Missing Grace

by S. L. Scott

  Jane suddenly felt uneasy in her own appearance in comparison. She set her mug down in the sink, and said, “Good morning.” While he was getting his coffee, she ducked to the bathroom. “Oh God.” Surrounded by Ben’s heavenly scent, she needed to go. She returned to the living room and picked up her purse. “I should probably get going.”

  “What? No.” Ben came after her and took her free hand. “Please stay.” His eyes pleaded when he passed her coffee to her. “Just a little longer?”

  Jane was starting to feel overwhelmed by their attention. Two against one and the odds weren’t on her side. She didn’t want to disappoint them if she couldn’t remember more.

  The morning sun exposed the harsh truth they needed to face. This wasn’t going to be an overnight fix. As much as she wanted to hear all the stories they had to tell, her memories were like water trickling through time. Time was the only control she had, the thing she focused on when she had nothing else. So her lack of progress would cause frustration for both Ben and Emily soon enough.

  Currently, she had a life she had to return to, a fiancé who loved her, who she was currently hurting. Looking into Ben’s eyes, she could see how much pain he was also in. Everything was lose-lose for her. If she was with one or eventually chose one, she’d cause the other man pain.

  Time and space.

  Like last night when she ran from Hunter, she needed time and space to think clearly and to figure out her next move. “I’ll call you later like I promised. I just think I need to go. I’m meeting your sister for lunch and I’m sure you need to work. I’ve been disruptive enough already.”

  Bringing one of her hands to his lips, he kissed it, then the other. “You’re never a disruption. You are always the highlight.” Emily said her goodbye and gave them privacy when she went into the bedroom and closed the door. Ben watched her, then turned back to Jane. “Do you still want to fly to Seattle?”

  “Maybe that was a ridiculous suggestion made on impulse. I was tired—”

  “We should go. I promise you won’t regret it, Grace. I’ll make the arrangements for us to fly out tonight.” His hold on her hands tightened as if she intended to slip away from him.

  Despite all the things she was screwing up in her relatively orderly life, she liked being spontaneous with Ben. She was about to do the walk of shame back to Hunter’s apartment, but that didn’t change the fact that she wanted to see her parents. “Can I think about it and call you later with my decision?”

  “Of course.” Although she knew he wanted her to commit, he didn’t let that stray into his voice. No, Ben stood before her solid and strong, unwavering, and she started to relate to the word obsess when it came to him too. It was all so fast with him—her feelings, her reactions, her attraction—that she wondered if it was like that before her accident. She started to wonder about their love story and how it all began, but she still needed to leave. “Thank you.” Jane walked to the door, Ben followed.

  “Grace.” Her name was but a feather in the wind on his breath.

  She turned and hugged him, not wanting him to lose faith in her, and whispered into his ear. “Thank you for last night. I’ll call you. I promise.”

  He nodded, and kissed her just behind the ear. This time his lips kissed the spot that weakened her knees. She stayed there with his lips to her skin and breathed him in, hating that she had to leave. What she was doing was wrong, but he felt so right.

  Neither of them said goodbye, the word too ominous to speak. Her head turned just enough to feel his nose against her temple. She whispered, “I’ll see you soon.” Then she forced herself to walk away.

  The shame she expected never arrived. She didn’t even care that she was carrying a beaded clutch while wearing casual clothes and flip-flops. Sure, to a stranger on the street, they might suspect she was returning home after an impromptu sleepover, but whatever. She was walking on sunshine that Ben had rolled out for her. She was too happy to be embarrassed.

  On the cab ride home, she didn’t bother filling her mind with plots or excuses. Hunter was starting a forty-eight-hour rotation at the hospital early that morning and wouldn’t be home. She rested her head back and thought about how good it felt to be wrapped in Ben’s arms. The way his breath blew across her neck and how good the kiss to her skin felt.

  She arrived home floating from her night. As soon as she opened the door, her high crashed to the floor. Hunter was sitting on the couch in the same clothes he’d been wearing the previous night. Her heart stopped momentarily, and all those emotions she’d kept at bay overnight came flooding back; guilt led the charge. He looked at her through swollen eyes anchored with dark circles, revealing the burden he carried on his shoulders.

  The door was shut, and she used the seconds to collect her thoughts, plot her story, and put on a face of indifference. He didn’t move. He just watched as she set her purse down and walked into the open living space. “I thought you had work,” she said, keeping her voice from pitching in fear of the fight they were bound to have.

  “No hello or good morning? Just I thought you wouldn’t be here instead?”

  “Morning.”

  “Your omissions are glaring, Jane.”

  “Hunter, please don’t do this—”

  He stood up to his full height and said, “What? Don’t do what, Jane, or is it Grace now?”

  She wanted to yell but held her tongue. Arguing with him in the state he was in wouldn’t do either of them any good, and they’d say things that couldn’t be taken back. Jane stormed straight through the room and down the hall to their bedroom, her anger percolating with each step. She went into the bathroom and started the shower to get the warm water flowing before she stepped in.

  As she tested the water’s temperature, she heard the bedroom door open, slamming against the doorstop. Hunter appeared in the doorway of the bathroom, his eyes locked on her. “I asked you a question. Are you going by Jane or Grace these days? I have a hunch, but I want to hear you fucking say it.”

  “You don’t really want my ans—”

  “Answer me, Goddamn it!”

  She jumped when he yelled. In the few years she had known him, he had never yelled at her like that. She suddenly felt trapped in the bathroom since he was blocking the exit. Jane’s hands started to shake involuntarily, so she hid them behind her back, not wanting to let him see the fear overtaking her body. But, no matter how she felt inside, she wouldn’t lie to him just to assuage his reaction. “Grace is my real name.”

  He threw his arm against the wall, shaking the sheetrock, then dropped his forehead down against it, hiding his face. “I fucking knew it.” His fist hit the wall before he closed his eyes, and said, “Can’t you see what he’s doing?” Her gasp drew his attention. His dark brown eyes swallowed her whole when they drank her in. “Why do you believe him?” When he came closer, she stepped back—feeling cornered and afraid.

  Hunter had always been her protector, the one who took care of her and loved her. How could that change so quickly? Why did he doubt her so quickly? Jane fisted the towels hanging on the bar behind her and said, “He wants me to know the truth.”

  “He’s gotten into your head.”

  She knew better and mentally corrected him. Ben hadn’t just gotten into her head. He’d already begun to steal her heart. Although, if it was his to begin with, was it considered stealing or claiming back?

  He added, “You’re trusting him without asking questions. Believing him without any real proof.”

  Just like I trusted you, Hunter. Had he ever shown her his failed searches? Or had she been too guileless to check what he’d said. Should she now? But then she felt protective of the photos and memories Ben had shared with her. “You should want me to have my past back—my memories and my family.”

  Reaching for her, she flinched when he cupped her face forcing her to look at him. “I want all those things for you, Jane, but why right this minute? Why can’t it be in a month after the wedding? Fuck, I don’t c
are if we cancel the honeymoon to Fiji and go meet your parents instead. I just want to be married to you. It’s all I’ve wanted since we fell in love. Remember our love? Don’t let a stranger come between us.” Ben told me he didn’t want to get between Hunter and me, but he was doing that out of love . . . for me. That was love. This was the first mention of love she’d heard from Hunter in ages. Hunter was trying to enforce the wedding date, but had love been mentioned at all? Did we fall in love? Deep down, she knew the answer and it made her angry. And . . . hurt.

  “You made me sneak around. You had the chance to support me from the beginning, and you didn’t. You discouraged me, Hunter, and that hurt more than you know.”

  “I’m trying to make things right between us.”

  With a slow exhale, Jane tilted her head down and slid out from his grasp. She was almost surprised how easily he released her. She went to the door and held it wide open, raising her chin with her barely gathered strength, and said, “I want to take a shower.”

  Snarling, he said, “You sure are anxious to wash off the sins of your past, or are those sins from last night?” What the hell? He didn’t even ask where she had been? One call. He’d only called one time to find out where I was. Why was he being so controlling and nasty?

  “You need to leave.” He stared at her in disbelief for a good thirty seconds before finally walking across the bathroom and leaving disgruntled. “Hunter,” she called after he passed, “you should go to work.”

  So much was said in those five words.

  He turned back, just once.

  She struggled to read his expression, but her gut told her this was far from over. She shut the door and locked it before leaning against it and taking a deep breath. Terrified and now trapped. The white marble surroundings she once loved weren’t going to protect her or wash away her fears. Surely it was right to want to know your true identity. Your life’s meaning. A career you once loved. True love she once had without an emotional debt attached. She needed to find hope. She needed to know the truth. She needed to go with Ben to Seattle.

  15

  Jane Parker

  As soon as Jane was led to the table, Emily stood, and the women embraced. Jane looked at her watch, and asked, “I’m not late, am I?”

  “No, I’m early. I was excited.”

  An understanding passed between them. Jane knew the feeling well. Once Hunter left, she felt less anxious and allowed herself to look forward to lunch with her long-lost friend. They decided a glass of white wine would go nicely with the salads they ordered and both toasted to being reunited.

  Emily leaned across the table, putting a hand on top of Jane’s. “How are you really doing?”

  In the last three years, Jane hadn’t formed any tight-knit relationships with women, and to have Emily sit across from her—knowing her deeply—she felt relief. And teary. Jane instinctively let her guard down, because she knew trust was already established between them. “I’m a mess, Emily. I’m trying not to be, but I am.” She looked at her glass of wine while twirling it slowly by the stem. “This is all so sudden. I don’t know what I expected to find if I ever discovered who I really was, but I always imagined it unfolding slower than this.”

  “Maybe it’s because someone found you first?”

  Jane’s eyes flashed to Emily’s. “Ben.” Emily nodded, but let her add, “I know you’re his sister, but I could really use a friend to talk to about him. I don’t have anyone else.”

  “You can talk to me, Grace. I’m biased. You know this already,” she replied with a gentle smile. “My brother is the best, but I’m also your friend, have always been your friend. You can trust me.”

  She was starting to believe Ben just might be the best, but she had commitments—Hunter and . . . and . . . She suddenly realized she didn’t have much else. What filled her days, the hours, the minutes of her life? She always felt so busy, but when she gave purposeful thought to how she spent her time, there was nothing more than preparing for Hunter’s return or dinners that would help his career, parties where she would spend conversations promoting him to bosses, their wives, and chiefs of staff from every hospital in the city. She had become nothing more than a shadow to Hunter Barnes and his aggressive and strategic career path. No wonder he wanted me to stay with him. Inside, she began kicking that life aside and screaming for more—more of who she used to be. What did I used to do? Who was Grace Elizabeth Stevens? It wasn’t just the desolate life she currently led, but the one before that mattered. “Who was I, Emily? What did I do?”

  Her expression softened. “You were a human resource recruiter for a Fortune 500 company. And really good at it too. Have you been working in a similar field in Chicago?”

  “No,” she replied, half-embarrassed that she couldn’t say she had been doing anything to better herself. “I didn’t know what I did. I couldn’t remember. I haven’t done anything except chase after and promote all things Hunter Barnes. His life and career can be very demanding. I feel as though I’ve been living in a weird bubble to be honest.”

  “Oh, Grace. You must have so many questions.” Emily then tilted her head and gave me a warm, compassionate smile. It reminded her of Ben. “I’m just so thankful you’re alive. You’re a miracle. I’ll help you however I can, but I need to know what happened. There are so many who mourned your loss, friends, family, colleagues. You have a whole new life that I know nothing about—How did you meet Hunter? Did you search for your past? Do you remember anything?” She took a breath, and then smiled. “You’ll probably want to punch me before we’re even served our lunch. I just can’t believe you’re here. You look just the same.”

  “I was in the hospital for a week. I didn’t have many physical injuries—two broken ribs and a fractured wrist. It was the damage to my head that took time to recover from, therapy for months after, tests.” She laughed though not with humor. “So many tests. Hunter was my savior, right there from the accident through all the MRIs, CAT scans, ultrasounds. I took tests just to be taking tests for doctors. I was a guinea pig in so many ways, but I’m here physically. If I have a chance at regaining something of my old life, I want it. I need your help.” A smile stretched across her face. “This is so cathartic. To talk to someone so easily. Thank you. I also understand you love your brother. I can see how close you are, and seeing that makes me miss a family I don’t know anymore.” Leaning closer, she kept her voice low, not wanting any other patrons to hear. “He told me we were engaged when I had the accident. Our wedding date was the same as my parents and mine to Hunter now.”

  “What? The same date?” Emily asked.

  She looked around frantically, then leveled her eyes back on Emily. “Hunter originally wanted a Saturday wedding but I insisted on this date, which was a Tuesday. It was the only date that felt right to me. He thought I was insane, but with all of his connections, he finally agreed, hoping to keep the guest list under five hundred. A Tuesday would help keep that number down.”

  “Yes, I suppose, some might have to work or can’t attend a weekday wedding, so I really think you felt that connection to June seventeenth in your heart, Grace.”

  Jane could see the twinkle in Emily’s eyes, realizing she truly believed her words. She wanted to believe so badly that with each passing day she gave in a little more to that notion. “The date—that can’t be coincidence. Is it my subconscious leading me back to Ben? Is Ben my destiny?” When she looked at Emily, Emily had the beginning of tears in her eyes. Jane frowned. “I hate upsetting everybody, and that’s all I seem to be doing lately.”

  “It’s a good upset. You’re a lot to take in after thinking you were dead for three years. I’ve missed you so much, Grace.” Emily wiped her eyes with her napkin and said, “You can ask me anything, but I’d really like to share some memories with you.”

  Jane let out of sigh of relief and said, “I would love that. I have so many questions but can’t seem to get them out. Every time I’m with Ben, it’s overwhelming with tension
—good, bad . . .” She fidgeted with the napkin in her lap, and whispered, “Sexual. It’s a lot.”

  “You and Ben were perfect together—”

  “Nobody’s perfect,” Jane said, cynically.

  “You two were.”

  The way Emily said this with such conviction made Jane believe that maybe perfect was possible. Maybe she once had perfect. In that moment, she felt that loss deep in her bones. The thought cloaked her in sadness, so she scrambled to move past it by saying, “He told me stories about girls—”

  “I know he’s my brother, twin and all, but the boy’s a looker. It’s quite annoying actually.” I watched as she flipped her hair over her shoulder in mock annoyance. “Girls would befriend me to get to him. But you know what? Ben never noticed another girl because he had you. You were his first crush and the only woman he ever loved. You were everything to him, Grace. Given he’s spent three years looking for you, believing you weren’t dead, he still loves you.” Emily took a drink of her wine before continuing. “You’re a beautiful woman, but you were also a beautiful girl. You had your fair share of guys hitting on you behind my brother’s back.”

  “Please tell me I never cheated on him.”

  “You didn’t. You were hook, line, and sinker, head over heels in love with Ben. That’s what I mean when I say perfect together.”

  “I can see how much he cares about me when he looks at me.”

  “He wears his heart and emotions on his sleeve. He was never a good liar, and he could be easily hurt.”

  Jane caught the drift. “I don’t want to hurt him, Emily.”

  “Then don’t,” Emily said so matter-of-factly that Jane didn’t quite know what to make of it.

  “I have to take everybody else into account with every decision I make.” Emily nodded in understanding. Jane lowered her voice again, and said, “I had a terrible fight with Hunter this morning.”