Tyranny of a Lover...Diary of the Wife of an Undercover informant

by Janet J. White

  "I like Dick," she said. "He seems good for you. And it's good of him to take Simon under his wing."

  We talked of Dick's background, his early marriages, and the loss of his children. Suzie mused. "Maybe having us as a family will help fill some of the void."

  The picture looked rosy.

  Close to dinnertime, my daughter rose and hugged me. "I'll see you later, Mom. It's great being only twenty minutes away from each other instead of three hours. I love it." We hugged again as she left the apartment.

  Ten minutes later the doorbell rang. I opened the door to a short, somewhat stocky, weary-looking woman in her late thirties. She stared at me without speaking.

  "Lenore...Lenore Krantz?" I said, surprised to see her.

  "Hi Jen," she said flatly. "Is Dick here?"

  "No, he's not," I stammered.

  She shrugged her shoulders and shifted her weight. "Will you please ask him to return my heart medicine."

  I leaned against the frame of the door, feeling my knees grow weak. "Heart medicine? Why would Dick have your heart medicine, Lenore?"

  "I left it in the glove compartment of the van."

  I felt numb. I wanted to cover my ears and close my eyes.

  "I forgot to take it when we returned to Sarasota from Myrtle Beach. Together."

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Collector of Debts

  "Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some

  sense to know how to lie well."

  -- Samuel Butler

  My heart felt like a chunk of stone. Inviting Lenore in, I motioned her to a chair in the dining alcove. She tentatively sat on the edge of the chair, twisting a hankie grasped in both hands. "I'm curious," I said. "Why did you come here instead of calling Dick on the phone?"

  Lenore looked at me and remained silent.

  "You wanted me to know the truth, didn't you?"

  Lenore frowned as she thoughtfully considered my question. "He's played us both for fools, Jen. I loved him. I still love him. I left Sarasota with him because he said you two had broken up, that he still loved me, and we could make a fresh start in South Carolina. Then, about a week later, he started sneaking out of the motel room at daybreak. He must have thought I was asleep. I figured he started calling you early in the morning. Did he?"

  "Yes. He started waking me up about six in the morning."

  "I thought so." Lenore dropped her head slightly. "He broke my heart when he told me he wanted to come back to you. It almost killed me. My nerves are a wreck. One minute he loves me, the next you, then me again. I don't know what to believe or what to do."

  She looked so pathetic, twisting that small white hankie. "How about a cup of tea, Lenore? I find it soothing at times like this."

  "I guess I could do with a little soothing."

  I poured tea into delicate cups and sat beside her. She looked bone weary, like a woman who had just been keelhauled. I empathized with her, for I knew all too well what she was going through. She sipped tea and stared at the table in deep thought. Then suddenly she came alive. "I'd like to push his lying face in. Or better yet, see him hanging from the nearest telephone pole."

  "I know how you feel, He could use a lesson he'll never forget.” I leaned forward. "How would you feel about helping me teach him that lesson?"

  A glint appeared in Lenore’s eyes. "What should we do?"

  "Well, he ran up to the corner for cigarettes and should be back any minute. If you’re agreeable, you can hide in the spare bedroom. When he comes in, I'll ask him about you. He'll probably stick to his story and spew out more lies. Then I'll call you in. Maybe we'll both learn something more about Dick."

  Tapping her fingers on the table, Lenore contemplated my proposal. Then she smiled. "Let's do it!"

  As I paced the room the bright sun spilled in through the windows. The sky showed clear blue and a fresh sea breeze had risen, leaving the air new, touched with just a hint of salt. I dabbed at the corners of my eyes, then pulled back in anger...at myself. He didn’t deserve my tears.

  In minutes, Dick came bouncing into the apartment shouting, "Hi, Pussycat."

  "Hello, Dick," I said with little enthusiasm.

  He stood and fiddled with some mail on the table, then looked at me as I sat in silence. "Something wrong?"

  My breath caught sharply in my throat. "I think you should sit down, Dick. We need to talk."

  He raised his eyebrows, sat down at the table, folded his hands and waited.

  I sat opposite him and thought how little I really knew him. "I know that you lied about Lenore Krantz," I said and waited for his response. Leaning back in his chair, Dick clasped his hands casually behind his head and remained mute. "The two of you went to Myrtle Beach together and came back to Sarasota together. Everything you've told me has been one long string of lies."

  Dick brought his arms down and clenched his fists. His body grew rigid. "Jen! Let's not start this all over again. I don't know who you've been talking to or what rumors you've been believing, but it's all nonsense. I don't even know where Lenore is living. Just because she left the same day I did doesn't mean we left together. Damn! I'm so sick and tired of being called a liar." He glared at me with open hostility.

  "I don't think you could tell the truth to save your soul!"

  "What are you talking about? What in the hell are you talking about?"

  "I am talking about truth, Dick. T-R-U-T-H."

  Dick stood up and pounded the table with a clenched fist. "I've been telling you the truth!"

  "That's enough lies."

  Before calling Lenore's name, I experienced a brief moment of sadness. It would be over for us in a moment. Turning toward the bedroom where she waited and listened, I said "Lenore, why don't you come out and join Dick and me."

  She silently joined us at the table. Through the blinding white glare of my anger, I saw Dick's face turn ashen. His hands made little jerking motions while his eyes frantically searched Lenore's face.

  Lenore smiled sweetly at him. "I told her the truth, Dick."

  I heard a cold, unrecognizable voice come from somewhere within me. "You're a liar, Dick. A stupid liar. You should have covered your tracks by making sure Lenore had all her things out of the van. She stopped by here for her heart medicine."

  Dick looked at me squarely. "Jen, the only thing I can tell you is that I love you. That's the truth. I love you, not Lenore."

  I closed my eyes as a dull, sinking sickness came over me. This cheater never stops, I thought.

  Lenore rose to her feet. "It's time for me to go. I need my heart medicine, Dick. Is it still in the van?"

  Dick nodded. "The van's not locked."

  "I'm sorry. For all of us," Lenore added, her voice filled with hopelessness, "Jen, why not give him another chance? It hurts me to say this, but you're the one he loves."

  As she stood to leave, I got up and opened the door for her. I knew I’d never forget the look of heartbreak on her face.

  Returning to my seat, I stared at Dick from across the table. There might just as well have been a stone wall between us. "Jen, please listen to me," he pleaded. "Had I told you about Lenore, told you that after only a few days with her I realized I’d made a mistake with her, that it was you I truly loved, it would have hurt you worse. I only lied to protect you and to spare your feelings."

  Counting to ten so that I wouldn't scream at him, I leaned forward and braced both hands firmly on the table. "Now where have I heard that before? Are you going to lie when you smell smoke, just to protect me from knowing there's a fire? Please don't say any more. I don't want to hear it!"

  "I'm sorry, Jen, truly sorry."

  "Face it, Dick. You tell tall tales whenever it suits your purpose. I love you but I won't live with someone who can't be trusted. I detest a liar."

  "I'll change..."

  "I don't believe it! Take your dog and pony show somewhere else. I want you out of my life!"r />
  His head dropped to his chest and his voice shook. "I think I'm going to be sick. I need to get some fresh air, to walk, to think."

  I followed him to the door. "While you're out, you can think about finding another place to live. You seem to be an expert at fast moves. I want you gone in the next two days. After you're out I'll have this place fumigated !"

  Dick blinked, opened the door and quietly closed it behind him.

  I stormed around the apartment, seething with fury at him, livid with anger at myself for being in love with a man who functioned with such duplicity.

  An hour later I had calmed down a bit when Suzie and Simon knocked at the door. It turned out that Dick had called them, evoking their sympathy and help.

  "He’s so sorry," Suzie said, rushing into the apartment. "I've never seen a man so humbled. He really loves you. Mom, you've got to try and work this out."

  I listened without moving, looking straight at her. The concern in her eyes took hold of something deep inside of me.

  "Mom, this is our chance to be a family again. Don't throw out all the good just because of some bad. You can't throw the baby out with the dirty bath water. Forgive him, just once more...please, Mom."

  That did it. I sat down, feeling lost. The hurt and hope in her eyes were more than I could bear. Forgiveness? Was I capable of it--again? Besides, hadn't I also done things in my life that required forgiveness?

  I felt torn between never wanting to see Dick again; a naive belief that he would change; a desire to build a family unit which included Suzie and Simon, and on a spiritual level, forgiveness.

  With my daughter and future son-in-law present, Dick returned. Moments passed as I struggled to believe the sincerity of his begging apologies. Still, deep inside, I felt a smothering darkness take hold.

  "Jen," Dick managed to keep his voice calm. "I promise you--with Suzie and Simon as witnesses--that I'll change and never treat you badly again. The lies and games are finished. Please give me just one more chance. If I screw up again, throw me out on my ear. I'd deserve it. You're the best thing that ever happened to me." He ran his hands through his hair. "Jen, I love you with all my heart and soul."

  Suzie and Simon's intercession on Dick's behalf had won the day.

  I swallowed hard, turned and faced Dick seated on the couch beside me. "All right. I forgive you and we'll try again." He reached for my hand. Tears glistened in his eyes. Suzie and Simon stood up, smiled down at both of us and silently left the apartment. Still, my forgiveness could not wash away the fear of the future.

  As time passed, the fear began to fade. Then a new concern rose to the surface. Within a couple of weeks after our near breakup, Dick came in late in the day, glanced at me, and then looked away. "The T-shirt business is going belly-up."

  "Oh no! What about Christy's investment?"

  Dick shook his head. "I'm afraid she's taken a financial bloodbath. It's all gone, all $7,500 of it. I've returned the van to Christy and retrieved my truck."

  "I see. And that means both you and Simon are out of work."

  His laughter held indignation. "Simon's lazy. He doesn't want to work and support himself, much less a wife."

  Startled, I looked at him. Just days before Simon had complained to me. "If Dick worked the T-shirt business, instead of wanting to play most of the time, it could be a success."

  On the other hand, Suzie had confided to me that Simon canceled job interviews, and was smoking more and more pot. “Mom, if only Simon would try to find a job in the air-conditioning business like he had in West Palm Beach, we’d be fine. The pay scale's lower here than in Palm Beach and he keeps telling me he won't work for a scab's wage of $6.50 an hour. But that's better than the nothing that's coming in now. I hope he can swallow his pride soon, or we're in deep trouble."

  While sipping my coffee the following morning, I picked up the newspaper and scanned the classified job ads.

  "What do you need me for, if you have to go out and provide a living?" Dick asked. "We still have enough to see us through for a while. Something will come up. I'm not going to let you down. I'd feel less of a man if I can't support us. Don't do this to me."

  "Our relationship shouldn't be based on your need that I require you for support. Why are you so afraid for me to go back to work?"

  Just then the phone rang. "Mom!" Suzie's voice sounded frantic.

  "What's wrong, Honey?"

  "Simon's gone," she cried. "I don't know what's happening. Everything of his is gone, clothes, guitar, everything. Not even a good-bye note. Nothing!"

  "I'm coming right over, Sweetheart." I picked up my handbag and briefed Dick as I reached for the door handle. During the ten-minute drive, I wondered what could be said to console her. Both mother and daughter had now experienced the gut wrenching agony of being abandoned. How could I help lead her out of her confusion and onto firmer footing with my own life precariously balanced on a swirling bed of sand?

  Suzie looked pale and drawn when she let me into the small apartment. I wrapped my arms around my hurting child. With tear-streaked eyes and pain in her voice, she said, "I feel like I'm caught up in a nightmare we've both had." She collapsed on the couch, clutching a pillow to her chest. "What's happening to our lives, Mom? I don't understand how Simon could up and leave me like this."

  "I know how much this hurts."

  We both held back the tears as we hugged some more. She rose and paced the floor. Her usual sparkling eyes turned dull with exhaustion and despair.

  Hours later, I asked, "Do you have any idea what you'll do, Darling?"

  "No, Mom, I'm too upset right now. I can hardly think. I don't know what to do."

  "Thank goodness Simon didn't take your car."

  "Yes," she sighed. "Thank goodness for that."

  I made some tea and a bite to eat. She sipped a little tea, but brushed away the offer of food.

  "For now, Sweetheart, just give yourself some time to recover from the shock. Later, decisions can be made. You know I'll do whatever I can to help you."

  She laid down on the couch and closed her eyes. "Rest now, Darling." I kissed her cheek. "Sleep, if you can. We'll talk more later."

  I drove home feeling her misery.

  Talking about it later that evening with Dick, he blurted out that he had given Simon a ride. "I drove him to Interstate 75. He asked me to. What could I say?"

  I was fuming. "Why didn't you tell me or Suzie what Simon had in mind? You could have given either of us some kind of warning. Suzie might have had a chance to dissuade him from leaving like that! She's in a terrible state."

  Dick headed for the bathroom, shouting over his shoulder, "Hey, I'm not Simon's caretaker. He's a big boy. He needs to get his act together and Sarasota doesn't seem to be the place for him to do that."

  Lord, I thought. De ja vu? Did the past have to repeat itself over and over again? Were all men this selfish? No, of course not. There are good men out there, good men, like my brother and the Italian.

  In a few days Simon called Suzie and asked her to return to him in West Palm Beach. Taking the same advice she had recently offered to me, she decided to forgive him and try again. It saddened me to see her go. I had to wonder if some cosmic force was at work, pulling us apart.

  Before Suzie had left, we confided to one another that we felt caught in a whirlpool of shadowy bleakness, where light seemed harder and harder to find. In truth, mother and daughter could not yet see that the light failed because we both refused to pry the glue from our eyes.

  To stir the confusion even more, my son Gregg phoned, pleading to return home. This new problem might help to explain why my resistance to Dick’s further actions was weakened. The mother in me overshadowed the knowledge of Dick that my mind refused to accept.

  Gregg's voice sounded strained. "Mom, I want to come home. Dad and Nancy don't want me here, and I don't want to be here any longer. I know you tried to do what was best for me and I made a lot o
f mistakes, but I'll listen to you now if you'll only let me come back home."

  Groping with my heart, I had to remain firm. I needed to be sure that Gregg intended to make an honest effort to turn his life around, which meant overcoming unacceptable behavior and bad habits. Before Gregg had moved in with his father, his school grades had slipped to dismal and he had become a habitual truant. His defiance and rebellion had escalated to a point that I could no longer manage him by myself. And now, after living with his father for less than a year, he wanted to come home. It made me wonder if his behavioral problems might have grown worse since he had left here.

  "I'm not sure what to do," I explained to Dick. "Gregg needs a lot of love coupled with firm guidance."

  Dick frowned in thoughtful concentration. "Do you want Gregg here?"

  "He's my son. I love him. Nevertheless, I need to know that his desire to return home is more than just a passing whim, or the result of being struck by some lightning storm in their household. I will not allow Gregg to place his father and me on that old seesaw of playing one end against the other in order to get his own way."

  Dick peered at me. "He's fifteen now, right?"

  I nodded as my shoulders sagged.

  "If he wants to come, let's bring him here. You know I like kids, and I'll be happy to have him."

  Slowly, I paced the room. "You realize that Gregg has problems with marijuana. As a small child, his father bought him expensive toys to keep him occupied instead of spending time with him. Now that Gregg’s a teenager, his father throws him a bag of pot to keep him out of his hair. About six months ago, when I visited Gregg, I bought him a bike to get to and from school. He said something about being outside the school bus limit. Anyway, the bike's been broken for months and his father hasn't bothered to have it fixed. That means Gregg's not even going to school. And they have him sleeping on a mattress on the dining room floor. It's going to be a tough job, Dick. He needs a wholesome environment to get his life back on track."