by Ariana Rose
I hear my name and they let me onto the stage from the holding line, where my advisor is waiting for me. Without him, my dad, and a dozen more I can think of, I’d never be here. I get to center stage, shake his hand, and take that piece of paper. That amazing piece of paper. I hopefully can now find that perfect opportunity to begin my climb up either the Hollywood or Indie ladder.
I hold it up for my dad to see, and mouth “I love you” to him. I get to the other side of the stage, then back to my seat.
I instantly feel different. I can be different. I can do anything I want.
The reception following is a bit chaotic. Everyone is finding their loved ones and friends. There are squeals of excitement, some tears, and lots of laughter. I find my group waiting with smiles, greeting me with a round of applause. Daddy breaks through for his first hug. “I’m so proud of you, Alexandra.”
Holding onto him, I say, “Thanks, Daddy.” I can feel Mom coming through with him. “Daddy…you’re crushing me.”
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m just…I wish your mother could have seen this.” I can see he’s barely holding it together.
I whisper in Daddy’s ear, “She is here. I can feel it.” I let him hold on for a bit longer to try and fill the hole I know he feels right now. “Don’t we have a dinner to get to?”
“You’re right. You’re right,” he says. “Our reservation at Capital Grille is at six. Everyone, valet park, please. I’ve got it covered.”
“Dad…” I give him a look. “You don’t need to do that.”
“I want to, sweetheart. Humor the old man, would you?”
“Don’t talk old to me, Daddy. I don’t like it.”
Hunter breaks in, “I think I’m next in line.” He gives me a peck on the cheek and a soft hug. “Congratulations, Alexandra. I know you rode in with your father, but I’d like to escort you to your next stage of the evening.”
Shana makes my decision for me. “We’ll ride with your dad, so he’ll have someone to sing with. Don’t be late, kids!” She gives me a wink.
Hunter quickly takes my hand. “We won’t be.”
We cross the campus to the MCAD parking lot. He unlocks the car for us and disappears to his side. I finally get to drop this cap and gown and not be so formal. I love the new dress I bought; it’s a little Boho but it just called to me. I knew it would be perfect with Mom’s necklace.
Hunter calls from over the top of the car, “Did you want to go home and change before we meet everyone for dinner?”
“Why would I need to do that? I like this dress.”
“I’ve never quite understood the whole Bohemian thing, Lex, but…are you ready?”
My mood drops instantly. “Yes, I’m ready.”
I duck my head and slide into my seat. After the click of the seatbelt, I look up and see a small burgundy box with a silver bow on the dash. His door closes, locking us in.
“Is this for me?” I ask.
“Why don’t you open it and find out,” he says, as he starts the car.
I pull the box down from the dash and slide the ribbon off. Hunter doesn’t look away from the road as the box creaks open. Inside is a single round solitaire on a platinum band. Holy shit! No… I’m not ready for this. I don’t have my job situation finalized yet. We haven’t even discussed what I want.
“Aren’t you going to say something?” he asks.
“It’s pretty, Hunter. It really is.”
“I thought since you’ve gotten one adult notch today, why not add another.”
My mind is going a million miles an hour. At first, when I open my mouth, nothing happens, but I finally gain a bit of courage. “Hunter…there’s so much we haven’t talked about. So much we haven’t decided. I don’t… Don’t you think we should talk first?”
The car halts quickly at a light. My whole body jerks as he turns to me, “Are you actually going to say no? You know no one says no to me.” I can see his hands tighten then loosen before they tighten again over the steering wheel. “Are you trying to make a fool of me, Alexandra?”
He pounds the steering wheel with such force I can hear a cracking sound in the dash.
I’ve never seen him so visibly angry. He’s never raised his voice to me like this before. I’ve heard it in conversation or about a case but there was always a slow build. This went from zero to freak out in an instant and is the first time it’s full on directed at me.
“I didn’t say no, Hunter. I just asked to talk.”
“I didn’t think you were this ungrateful and naïve. Do you know the kind of life I could give you? You’d toss that away over a conversation?” he growls.
“Are you saying that we’re over if I don’t say yes?” I ask. He looks at me and says nothing, but in the same token says everything. “That is what you’re saying.”
I look back down at the box, which is now sitting on top of my diploma. I don’t know who this man beside me is at this moment, but I know I don’t want to lose him. I also know that I need my dream. I want my dream. We sit in awkward silence until we arrive at the Capital Grille. The line at the valet is a couple cars deep. The clock is ticking; I can hear it echo in my ears. I pull the ring from the box and slide it on to my finger.
“Yes,” I say reluctantly. “I will say yes, but I will still say we need to talk. My answer is yes.”
He finally looks at me with a half-smile. “Now that the deal is sealed, we can eat.” He quickly kisses my forehead as the valet opens the door for me. This is not how I saw my proposal. It’s not how I dreamt it. There were no bells or passion but, as it stands, I’m going to be Alexandra Mackenzie.
***
We hit what has become our place—Canoe. It’s tucked away along the Chattahoochee River, just northwest of Atlanta. It’s only about a fifteen-minute drive from the condo, but once we’re there, it’s like we are on another planet. We simply forget we’re in the city and only the two of us exist. It’s me and Lainey.
I’ve waited so long for her. The feel of my hand at the small of her back, her little hand in mine, the laugh that not only fills a room but fills my soul… all of it is perfect. It’s the only thing that ever has been. Now, here tonight, is when I hope to claim it all in a permanent way.
This last year has been life-altering in so many ways. Some people can’t make it work, being together all the time. Lainey and I prefer it. We are two halves of a whole and work better as we play together. She’s not only become my partner onscreen but tonight, I hope to make her my partner forever.
We are led from the host stand, down the short aisle, and toward the bar. The place is lit softly on the inside, and the lights pick up every alternating color in her hair. We’re seated at a more private table in the back, right near the doors to the garden. I pull out her chair to sit, then take the seat beside her. I’m so nervous. I’m about to ask the biggest question of our lives. What if her answer isn’t what I expect? What if I can’t give her what she needs?
The constant barrage of questions to myself is broken by her sweet voice. “Jules, you’re doing it again.”
“What am I doing?” I reply, but I know she’s right. This is our moment. I can’t hold my emotions in anymore. “Baby, can we take a walk before we order dinner?” I nod at the host. He’s in on this too.
“Call me baby, and you can have whatever you want.” She smiles.
“Anything? Well, I hope you remember that in about two minutes,” I quip.
“Now I really know you’re up to something. Should I be scared?” she teases.
We exit out to the garden. It’s mostly deserted, with the exception of a few staff mingling to set up for a wedding reception, which looks to be happening soon. I lead her to a secluded bench to the right, just off the river. I help lower her to a sit, but I need to remain standing.
“You asked if you should be scared. I’m not. I’m hopeful you won’t be either.” I take both of her hands in mine, positioning her toward the sun, which is quickly being eclipsed b
y the clouds. I even hear a faint roll of thunder. She looks back to the sound. As she does, I take the opportunity to pull a small black box from my pocket.
“Lainey…” I tug gently on her hand to pull her back to look at me.
Her eyes immediately fall to the box. They grow wider, and her lips dance on that fine line between a smile and a quiver. “Julian… What…”
I softly cut her words short. “Lainey, I’m not great with words that aren’t written for me. You know that. What you have taught me, more than anyone, is that it’s okay to go with how you feel. Your feelings never betray you because they are from you. I never used to believe in fate until a year ago. You walked into that audition and my life changed forever. Things that never made sense began to make sense. I felt I was good enough. I felt I was worthy. I felt loved for the first time in a long time for just being me. That was you. You gave me those things. Now it’s my turn to give you something.”
I open the box slowly. Inside is the perfect outward expression of what I feel for her—a two-karat princess cut diamond, one karat for each one of us and six smaller stones on either side…one for every month from our meeting to this moment. “Elaine Elizabeth Davis, you are the reason I love. I will never be perfect, but I will always put you first, I will always care for you and your heart. I’d be the happiest man in the world if you’d do me the extraordinary honor of being my wife.” I drop to one knee, the box shaking in my hand.
“Julian, God…” I watch her take a shaky breath. “I’d be doing you an honor? Jules, the honor would be mine. I’ve read fairy tale after fairy tale about Prince Charming in all shapes and forms, but I never thought I’d find one. You are everything I could want or need.”
“So, is that a yes, Lainey?”
“That is an absolute yes!”
I start to laugh softly, taking the ring from the box and sliding it on her finger.
A sun shower begins to tap down on us but not even a little fall of rain can dampen this moment for us. I start yelling to anyone who can hear me, “This woman is going to be my wife!” I pull her into my arms and swing us both in circles. Her giggle drowns out everything else. Once I set her back on her feet, I notice the tears in her eyes for the first time. “Baby, please don’t cry.”
“I can’t help it. This is not what I expected coming here today, but Julian, I suddenly have this calm in my soul. I know this is where I’m supposed to be, where we are supposed to be. It’s perfect.”
After all the applause from the patrons, the multiple congratulations, the lone photographer I hired to capture this for us, and a dinner I don’t even remember eating because nothing mattered but how happy we are, we leave the restaurant for home.
“Julian, take the back way. I want this to last as long as it possibly can.”
“Is this your first wife command?” I smile at her.
“I don’t order you, baby. I just want this to be our secret for just a while longer.” We choose the slow winding wooded roads. The roads glimmer like the ring on her finger with the freshly falling rain.
“We will have a lot of explaining to do. How do you want to do this?”
“Julian, are you ready to make an even bigger change?”
“What are you asking?”
“I’d like to relocate. We could go to LA. We could go to New York. We could even go to Chicago for a while. We need to break away from your family, my family, and just be us.”
I glance over at her. “Lainey, that’s what you want?”
“Jules, you know none of them are going to let us truly be how we are and need to be. You’ve felt the strings, just as I have, for months. It’s not just us in our relationship. Your father, my father…it’s all just too much. I can see it nearly every day. I feel it more in you. I don’t want your beautiful light to go out. I’d give anything for that not to happen.”
I pull her left hand to my lips and kiss it lightly. “I’m not even going to think. My answer is yes. Our agents can work out the business and we can create our destiny after that.”
Her face lights up in the glow of a lightning bolt. “I love you, Julian. I’ll always make sure you know that.”
“I love you more, baby.” I turn my head to see those words in her eyes.
A light fills the corner of my eye, and I wait for the instant clap of thunder that should follow. The sound I hear doesn’t match.
“Julian, look out!” Lainey screams.
Our tires squeal, oncoming headlights beam into our path, and then nothing.
I KNOW HUNTER will be pissed, but I’ve turned the home office into a darkroom and photo lab for the day. I’m feeling like myself one-hundred percent today for the first time in weeks. A few things are off these days. What am I saying, most things are off! I wanted to be further along than I am now. I knew that my choices were going to not be just my choices; they were going to be ours. They seem to be his choices though. I, however, choose not to rock the boat. It never seems to end well for us and by us, I mean mainly me.
Since I agreed to marry Hunter, it’s been about what I need to do better, whatever that means. I need a serious job. How am I supposed to do that? If I can’t go where my dreams are able to come true, then how can I accomplish that?
Today, I said the hell with it and am trying to get a little centered. Looking at life through a lens—any lens—is where I feel good; calm and in control. Here, I choose what to see and what is seen. It seemed the best and safest step for me right now to keep my dream somewhat alive. If I were in charge of our destiny, we’d be in New York, Los Angeles, or Atlanta right now.
I’ve always aspired to go to any of those cities. So many opportunities for me, branch offices for Hunter. It seemed like a win for both of us. I remember the conversation so clearly, the shouting, the accusation of not caring how hard he worked to move up the ranks here in the Minneapolis office. I do know, and care, but dammit, I worked hard too. He flipped my portfolio on the floor and asked me if I thought it was remotely the same as what he does. Why it always has to be a competition with him, I will never understand.
He mocked my writing too. There are not many people who know, but I have a passion for writing. I’ve kept journals since I can remember. There are poems, song lyrics, short stories, screenplays, and even probably the beginnings of a novel or two. I’ve saved every single one. I shared my secret, something nearly as personal as my body, with him, and he tossed it in my face. Not only was I hurt but I was angry. I hollered at him for how hateful and disrespectful he was being. In the end, the glass of scotch he was sipping on ended up smashed on the wall behind me and I ended up with a couple stitches over my left eye from a stray shard of glass. That was the last time I ever raised my voice in his presence or approached the topic of what I wanted.
All right, enough, Lex! Enough! Today is about you being in control and happy. I take a deep breath and push the negative thoughts away to focus on these photographs. This isn’t just any subject. Today is all about perfecting the memories from Shana and Aaron’s wedding. It was a beautiful day…as beautiful as it could be for March in Minneapolis. Rebecca—the third musketeer in our trio—and I told her she was crazy to get married in a Minnesota winter. But we knew once she set her mind to something, there was no point in trying to change it.
I shot nearly everything in digital, except for a special roll, which contained their most intimate moments. My favorite shot was of her and Aaron seeing each other for their first look. I felt so honored and privileged to capture that for them. I thought I’d feel like I was intruding, but they didn’t even know I existed.
Like my parents always said, while developing these pictures slowly, I notice things I’m sure no one else would. The tripod caught the slow turn of her head and the smile that grew with it at the sight of him. I caught the tears that fell from his eyes as he nearly folded at the sight of her. That is what love is. She sees her best self in him and he wouldn’t change a thing about her because she is perfectly imperfect and perfect
for him.
As I hang each image to dry, I feel a jealousy grow inside me. I wish I had what they have. I dream about it every night, then when I wake, I hope it’s there for me. Maybe one day it will be.
Just as I lose myself in the images again, my cell phone lights up. As if on cue, it’s Rebecca. I quickly wipe my hands and answer. “Well, hello area code 404! Make me jealous. What’s the temp in Atlanta today?”
“Hey, Nerd!” She’s the only person I let get away with that term of endearment . “It’s a happy fifty-five today instead of your twenty-five.” She laughs.
“You suck! I thought you were calling later tonight. Is everything okay?” I ask.
“Well”—there’s a long pause— “that depends on how mad you get in the next couple minutes.”
My anxiety peaks. “Becs, what did you do? Are you hurt? Are you safe?”
“Okay, here goes. What would you say if I tell you someone may have stolen a volume from your stash of journals and submitted it to a writing contest?” I take a breath to let her have it until she quickly continues, “I’m calling to tell you it won!”
I wanted to be angry for not being able to offer up my permission, but I couldn’t. “I suppose this someone was Shana and she mailed it to you?”
“Please don’t kill us. We knew you would never do this on your own, and we loved you enough to say fuck it and see what happened. So…on a scale of one to ten, how pissed are you?”
“I’m about a two, and I’m only a two because of sheer shock, Becs. What do I do now? What did I win?”
“Well”—another pause— “there’s another person on the line that may be able to explain the next step better than I can. Would the person behind the curtain like to reveal themselves?”
I sit and wait.
“Little One… I always knew you had it in you!”
Her booming voice makes me smile. “Cam? Cam, is that you?”