by Ariana Rose
I always keep my promises.
Enjoy your breakfast
It was real. He tucked me in and he made my coffee. What happened last night? It was beautiful, scary, carnal, and amazing. I’m more confused than ever.
***
The clouds have broken outside. But, inside...that’s another story. It was just before sunrise as I took my walk home. The air was thick; last night’s rain left a heat in its wake. All the morning usuals were out and about. Cutting through the park was a calculated move. It was the easiest way home, it felt familiar and calming, But, it was also the place where she appeared.
Who is this girl? She came whirling into my life and turned it upside down. My craft has supposedly made me able to analyze and understand emotion and convey it. Right now, I’ve never been more confused as to where to be or how to act. I felt like an asshole for going to her. I felt like an even bigger one for leaving. More than that, I feel like I’m a cheat. I am cheating on the promise I made to my father… fucked up as it is. I am cheating on the promise I made to myself to turn off my emotions when the cameras weren’t rolling. Most of all, I’m cheating on Lainey. Every day, I’m cheating on her. I was supposed to tell my father to go to hell. I was supposed to keep on living because she would want me to.
Before I realize it, I’m on the track and the gravel is crunching under my feet. It’s slow at first, less than the beat of a waltz. I can feel a tightening in my chest; the oppressive thickness of the air mirrors my mood. The more I find myself unable to breathe, the faster I run. I find the track can’t hold me. I charge up the hill like I’m being chased. I can’t, and I won’t, stop until I’m near her. The only place that ever made sense… Lainey’s presence.
I start digging for my keys a block away. I don’t even bother with the elevators. I toss open the stair door and climb. I climb so far and fast that by the time I reach my floor, I feel like my heart could explode. I nearly break the key off in the lock trying to escape inward. Diesel immediately greets me, but even he knows I’m about to break. I need a solace I can’t have.
I still smell of her… Alexandra’s sweet combination of lavender and vanilla, with a hint of gardenias. I need it off me, so I can try and forget what I feel. I can’t name it and I don’t want to. I peel off my clothes in a trail to the shower. Only once inside the confines of my bathroom filling with steam do my lungs stop burning. As I press my hands against the tile walls and bend forward so the scalding stream pounds at my back, I begin to recall the night. Her simple presence was everything I needed, but it cut like glass. I nearly felt like she knew me in another lifetime. She knew where to touch me. She knew I was battling something but didn’t press. I feel so selfish. I didn’t once ask about the tentativeness I felt from her at first. Was it because of what she thinks is happening with Quinn? Is it because she can see through me?
I’ve had only one woman in my head and heart, now there is another. Her ivory skin, which looked like it had rarely seen the sun. Her swirling waves of hair that clung to her cheeks. The way her cheeks flushed with every kiss that I placed on her body. She was so open…so trusting. Could she feel something for me? How do I even feel about that?
Her petite frame fit in my arms as she quietly purred in her sleep. I think I fell asleep for a brief time. The simple gesture of her hand over my heart lulled me enough to feel safe. When the morning light began to peek in, so did the darkness in my soul. I wanted so badly to give in to the security I hadn’t had in over a year. I was going to. When she woke, I was going to apologize for what happened at the studio and what happened with Quinn.
I slide from her bed and gently dress her. She never moves. I see a hint of a smile and I can’t help but smile back. Our talk would best be served with some coffee, so I pull my jeans back on as I make my way into her kitchen. Everything is where I would have put it. It’s disarming. As I hit brew, I notice she has music playing still. I can barely hear it, but it draws me in. As I get closer, the familiar words begin to choke the air out of me. Shit! Nat King Cole?! Lainey always said this would be our wedding dance if I ever made an honest woman of her. She mentioned it again at dinner…our last dinner together.
Fuck! Fuck! I can’t do this. I shouldn’t. I can’t be here. I try and back up out of the room but as I do, I knock a beautiful leather-bound journal to the floor. The pages trickle open to a blank page. I can’t just leave and say nothing. What can I say so she doesn’t think I used her? That’s the last thing I want. Think, you asshole!
I always keep my promises.
Enjoy your breakfast
Simple. If only it was.
Now I’m in the shower, alone, burning the skin off my body as a near penance. She’s there, waking alone. I wish I wasn’t such a coward.
I wish Lainey was still here.
I wish I’d stayed.
I wish…
I’VE AVOIDED BEING alone with Alexandra for nearly a week. Some of it is that the atmosphere really hasn’t been right. Some of it has been a calculated play by Quinn. If I’m honest with myself, it’s more I don’t know what to say. I’m sparing her from the clusterfuck my head is. I’ve gone fifteen rounds every day in my head. Just when I manage to find a few words, they don’t seem enough. I know she’ll have a million questions. They’re the same ones I’m asking myself. What happened? Why did I leave? Who is Quinn to me? That last question is one I can’t even answer. I avoid it with everyone, but it’s getting to the point where I can’t anymore. Since filming began, she has pushed fast forward with direction from her father and mine. They are all expecting some sort of compliance or expression of commitment from me. That will be something they never get.
I think back to the last confrontation I had with my father. The mere suggestion I should jump from one sister to another to make their business deal more solid makes me fucking sick. I don’t, and won’t, ever see Quinn like that. Not only because of who she is at the core, but it would spit on everything I’d ever built with Lainey. Then there is Alexandra. As if on cue, she comes into my view. I hope she doesn’t catch me watching her. I do it more often than I care to even admit to myself. She’s becoming more confident and assertive. There have been times where I found myself full of pride at how she can handle not only the thousands of demands placed in her path daily, but also the skill she’s finding with Jordan and even Quinn. Quinn had better be careful. I think she’s found her clear match.
“Daydreaming again?” I look up to the voice and find Quinn has been watching me.
“It’s called being silent and still. I know those are foreign concepts to you, Quinn.”
She barks back, “I know one way you could get me to be silent and still. Well… maybe not totally silent and totally still.”
The thought honestly repulses me, but engaging her fully is not good for anyone, including Alexandra. “You know I have some… limitations still.” This is a full-on lie, as proven less than a week ago. But, it’s the only way to hold her at the distance I need.
“Why don’t you let me see if you are limited?” She sits on my lap.
My initial instinct is to shove her off far and fast, but I know that would cause a rage I’m not willing to deal with. “Quinn, my doctors have said that side would be the last to come back because of the nerve damage. You’ll just have to be more patient. I know it’s not your gift, but it’s all we have.”
“Your tongue isn’t broken obviously,” she growls.
I take hold of her sides and give them a harsh squeeze. “I don’t want this shit brought to set. We are supposed to be professionals here. This is your first major job. Do you want to jeopardize that and be marked as a pain in the ass before you get established?”
She glares at me. “I know something else is going on. I want to go to your next appointment, Jules. I want to ask your doctors some questions of my own.”
I close my eyes. “Fine. I don’t go again for a few weeks, but I’ll tell you when it gets closer.”
I’d say just abou
t anything to make her stop right now. When I open my eyes, I catch Alexandra looking at us. She looks disappointed. She looks tired. She looks beautiful.
“I’ll leave you to be silent and still.” Quinn takes my chin and turns my attention to her. “Daddy has reservations for us at eight at Nan Thai tonight. Your father has set the paps to be there. Dress nice.”
I sigh internally and know there is no way to get out of this. Reluctantly, I agree. “I’ll pick you up at 7:30. Let me get back to memorizing. Okay?”
“Okay,” she says. “Don’t be late. You know I detest being kept waiting.”
After she’s out of earshot, I rub my hands over my face and reply, “If I could tell you all the things I detest.”
“Julian?”
A sweeter voice breaks through. As I move my hands, a new anxiety washes over. Alexandra is right here.
“Hi. Hello. Hi. Is there a change for the afternoon?”
“We are about an hour behind, as you know. Nothing has changed there. I didn’t know if you needed these.” She drops two Tylenol in my hand and gives me her water. “I saw you rubbing your head.”
“You noticed that?” I ask.
“Isn’t that my job? Rule number one, your needs only come second to Jordan’s. Rule number two, there is only one real rule.” She gives me a bit of a smile.
I’m not sure I deserve for her to look at me like that. “I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble for not caring.”
“I care about everything, Julian. That’s also my job.”
Her words cut like a razor right into my heart. I take a quick glance around to see if anyone can hear us. “Alexandra… Lex…” I pause, searching for the words.
“Don’t. You don’t have to. I’m a big girl. I get it. Don’t worry about me.”
“I did. I do. I just don’t want you to think… I’m not an asshole. If you believe nothing else, please believe that.” I slowly rise, touching the back of her hand. “Thank you for these.”
I give her a half-smile before I go. As I leave the main stage, I take one last look back. She’s focused on her set list and rolling her ankle out. Dressing room… couch… nap. Those things, in that order, is all I can hope for right now to keep me sane, and to center myself before the greatest performance of my day… dinner with Quinn.
***
I’m hot, exhausted, and starving. I open the sliding door of my balcony and the breeze blows in. Thank fuck… problem one solved. I flop to the floor and lay like a starfish in the center of my living room. I really need to power nap before Becca brings the solution to problem three; that being sweet and sour chicken, veggie lo mein, and cream cheese wontons by the half dozen. Chinese is becoming a sort of ritual for us.
We are celebrating. I survived another week. I thought the first week was hard, just limping around and getting to know everything. This week was even more difficult. Julian has created this extra layer. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. All I know is I have two days away from it.
While I want to be near him, I think the distance will be good for both of us right now. I need to figure out a few things. How I really feel about him is at the top of the list. I can do the casual thing. I know that would be best for me, but I find myself inexplicably drawn to him.
He’s charismatic for certain, handsome without a doubt, extremely sexy without question, but what draws me in is not those things. I recognize myself when I look at him. I don’t know exactly why. I wish I could talk to someone about it. I can’t tell my father because he still doesn’t even fully know about Hunter. Shana would want me to dive in headfirst, which is not what I want right now. Becca would be put in this super awkward position. Even with all that aside, I get the sense that Julian doesn’t want anyone to know about us, whatever that us means. I hardly know anything about him. I need to know the whys about everything but this I haven’t even touched. That seems to leave me at a disadvantage, which is one place I swore I’d never be in again.
When I feel I can finally move, I slither like a seal over to the coffee table and pull my laptop to the floor. I should have done this a long time ago. I open my favorite search engine and type his name: Julian Stone. Instantly, my view floods with images. There are pictures of him on red carpets, pictures of him from when he was young, and a million and one head shots from various modeling shoots. He takes such amazing pictures.
As I continue to scroll, I find they start to contain Quinn. I don’t understand that pair. She seems his complete opposite. I don’t know him very well but from what I do know, he has a kindness and gentleness to him, where she is very harsh and, well… a bitch. The way she carries herself reminds me so much of Hunter that it’s off-putting. Just on general principle, she’s not someone I would be comfortable around, but add that piece and I just have to put on a brave face and try not to let her know how much she really bothers me.
As I keep scrolling, I find more shots of him but with a different woman. Her hair is light. Her eyes are bright. She is so beautiful. I click on it and it brings me to a story about the pilot for our show. I speed read the article and find her name: Elaine Davis. I don’t recognize the character’s name that she was signed to portray.
Just then, I hear a knock at the door. I’m way too lazy to get up so I holler out, “It’s open, Becs!”
She bounds in with the energy of a kindergartener. “What the hell are you doing down there?” She laughs.
“This is where I sort of landed. Can we set up on the coffee table? I’m not up for moving too far.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Once your ankle is healed, we are getting you in the gym. You need more stamina. If this is how you are after week two, what is week four going to look like?”
I groan. “Thanks for the confidence. I’ll get there. This is a very different pace than I’m used to.”
“Yeah, they can screw you into the ground pretty quick if you let them.”
“Goodie. If I didn’t like the weather so much, maybe I’d rethink things.” I laugh.
“Like hell! I wouldn’t let you! Even as worn down as you are physically right now, this is way better for you than that toxic bullshit you were rescued from. If I have to tie you down and hold you captive, you are staying!”
I know that would actually happen. She was the first one to call the kind of man Hunter was and is. I just didn’t want to see it. As I sit up, she begins to unload the take-out bag. “Do you have a bottle of that Moscato we love so much?” she asks.
“It’s in the freezer, flash chilling.” I crawl on my hands and knees toward the kitchen. “If I’m not back in two, say you knew me when.”
She laughs even harder. “You’re so fucking dramatic. It’s frightening.”
“Maybe I should audition for the next open role!” I laugh at myself as I finally get off the ground to open the freezer to the promised land. I grab a couple of glasses and rejoin her. As I round the half wall, I find her staring at my computer search.
“A little light reading, Lex?” she inquires.
“Ummm, well curiosity, mostly. I didn’t have the chance to prepare like I should have before or since I got here remember, so I’m finally getting to it.”
“He’s hot, right?” she baits me.
“I uh… well… yes, you could say that, I suppose.”
“I think I just did.” She dishes me up as I pour us two big glasses of wine.
“I saw pictures of Julian and Quinn together, but then as I got to some older ones, he was with someone else. Do you know who that was?”
Her face changes; becomes a little sad even. “You mean Lainey?”
“Was her name Elaine Davis? An article I read said she was in the pilot with Julian. Was she?” I ask.
“We all called her Lainey. She was in the initial season. She was a thing with Julian. A serious thing, but…” She stops.
“But what?”
Becca continues, “She was killed about a year ago in a car accident. We shut down produc
tion for months. Julian was with her. Some say he’s never been the same since.”
“Holy shit. That’s…wow. But Davis? Isn’t that Quinn’s last name too?”
“Yeah, they’re sisters. Quinn is younger.”
My thoughts instantly run a mile a minute. They’re sisters?! “Is Julian… are they a… Are they together?”
“They have spent a lot of time together since Lainey died. The rag magazines all have them hooking up. I think they both just needed to grieve together, you know? I mean, they were going to be family and they work together now.”
I nearly collapse into the chair next to Becca. The smell of the food is now nauseating to me. I lean my head back and feel a crunch. As I turn my cheek, I feel the cool leather sleeve of a jacket… his jacket. The smell of his cologne quickly fills my senses. I feel anger, sadness, empathy, and embarrassment, all rolled into one.
“Lex? Did I just lose you? Maybe you were on your feet too long.”
“Yeah…maybe. That was also just a lot to process,” I try and deflect her questions.
“Why don’t we leave work and all its baggage behind and drown in one of those DIY home renovation shows you like so much. Your dad would never forgive me if I didn’t have you eat and rest. Colin is small but mighty.”
She knows that anytime my dad is brought up, I will instantly decompress. “You pulled the Dad card. Well played, friend. Well played.”
***
Quinn leans over and whispers, “You couldn’t have driven? We should be alone.”