by Ariana Rose
I take my props back for the day. Lex only gets the words “Thank you” out and I can feel the daggers at my neck. I feel it before I see her. The siren qualities of Quinn’s voice give her away, and not in a good way.
“Where is your head today? You acted like a total fucking rookie,” she unleashes at me, giving Alexandra a ‘get the fuck out of here, this is a private conversation, you minion’ look.
I do my best to tell Alexandra I’m sorry with my eyes and to her credit, she nods and simply walks away. Once she’s out of earshot, I hiss, “You’d know all about being a rookie, wouldn’t you…darling.” I use that term in the loosest of fashions.
She scoffs as she sets her things down beside mine. “I knew you’d be an unbearable asshole here.”
“That was the desired effect, was it not? You created this mess, you can fucking deal with the fallout.”
She smirks. “Jack, Daddy, and I thought it was time you came back here to finish with your demons, so we can move on with the next steps. You should have been ready a long ass time ago.”
“Demons, Quinn? Is that how you see it?” I get in close to assure she is the only one who hears. “She was your sister. Where is your fucking respect? Your devotion to her?”
Quinn, being the attention whore she is, uses the situation to her advantage, to play to the world she’s someone she’s not. She wraps her arms around me and puts her face gently into my neck. Once her lips are away from view, she whispers, “We all deal with things in our own way. I miss her, but I will take her place.”
I feel her try to fake a few tears and it’s more than I can stomach. “You’re pathetic.” I pull her off me, taking her wrists gently to the world around us, but my disgust evident to her. “Leave. Me. Be.”
Her eyes narrow. “Leave you be, Julian? Ha! That’s rich! You haven’t touched me in months. I don’t think I could leave you any more alone. Just remember, we have a deal. Being here is now a part of it.”
“You knew what was supposed to happen here. Lainey and I were to be married here… close to now, and you could give a fuck.”
“Isn’t that convenient timing. Buck up ‘boyfriend.’ You’ll still have your wedding here. It will just be with me. Our engagement announcement will be going out soon, or so I’m told.”
I growl back. “Over my dead body! That is not happening yet. There is still time. It will not happen until or unless that deadline is forced on me!”
She lays a gentle hand on my chest, but digs her nails in. “You’d better be ready. Trust me. You don’t want to cross Jack or Daddy…let alone me.” She kisses my lips, making sure Alexandra is watching. I think I’m in the clear when she begins to walk away but turns back for one last jab. “Over your dead body…hmm. How very Romeo and Juliet, don’t you think?”
Each step she takes further away, instead of my relief growing, my chest tightens. Everything is crashing down on and around me. I can’t breathe, I need to get out of here. I take a couple steps backward. The foreground begins to gloss over. There’s a hand at my shoulder.
“Julian, we need your mic pack.” God… Alexandra…
Even her voice or touch can’t bring me back right now. I rip the pack from beneath my clothes, slamming it to the ground. “I have to… I have to…” I can’t finish a thought. I take off running, I need to escape. I need the noose around my neck to loosen.
I need Lainey back.
***
“Julian?” I reach out to touch him. I don’t like the look in his eyes. I’ve been scared to be near him before, and now I’m scared to leave him alone. “Julian, what happened?”
“I have to…” He turns and breaks through the crowd of onlookers, nearly wild. I follow behind him, making apologies as I try and catch him. He’s in a flat panicked run.
“Julian! Julian, wait!” I call out to him.
He either doesn’t hear me or is choosing not to respond. He’s running so fast. Why? I know that Quinn can be… well, a bitch, but this is different. Security couldn’t even hold him. He escapes the grounds to the pavement of the main road. At the main entrance, the road hits a sharp curve. The left side is a thick grove of trees, the right is a clearing, and just beyond that is the beach.
“Julian, stop!” I scream. My lungs are on fire. The next five seconds are the longest I’ve lived in a while.
Five… A large vehicle comes around the curve.
Four… “Julian, look out!”
Three… The headlights illuminate his face.
Two… The truck screeches to a halt at the last second.
One… The noise I thought were the breaks grinding and the tires squealing were really my screams. Julian is frozen in what could have been his end.
Just as I’m about to reach him, he staggers away from the scene, down the cleared path, toward the ocean. It’s almost as if the waves are beckoning him. They’re why he didn’t hear me or the truck that nearly hit him. I exchange choice words with the driver of the truck who thought he owned the road when I get close enough.
As the truck drives off, I get across the asphalt and chase him down the path. Once past the tree line, I find Julian staring at the waves that are climbing closer and closer to his feet with the impending tide. With each step, he comes into clearer view, and I can see he is breathing as if he ran a full marathon. I tentatively reach for his shoulder.
“Julian?” He flinches, so I pull my hand back. “Talk to me... Please?” He opens his mouth as if to speak, but no words come. I circle into his view, so we are standing more face to face. I don’t want him to turn away from the ocean. I feel like it’s all that is between him and a total loss of self. His eyes are vacant yet filled with so much pain. I’ve never seen him like this. “Please...please tell me.”
After an eternity, he takes a breath, continuing to face the vastness of the ocean. “It was this time of day...just before sunset,” he begins. “We were on our way back from dinner… Lainey and me. We had an early call the next day. I had just proposed...Elaine, my Lainey, she said yes. We were”—he pauses for what feels like forever— “so happy. I had her. She was free to... We were free. We were going to leave all the bullshit behind. Her family...mine...all of it. I was going to terminate my contract, ask to be written out…anything!”
I watch him crouch down. He picks up a white seashell that has appeared at his feet. “Lainey and I, we wanted a new start... Our terms, no one else’s. She was smiling, holding her hand up.” I can tell the memories are precious like glass, but they are also cutting him just the same. “The sun was catching her ring...I was driving.”
I could tell he was replaying it like a movie in his head, as if it was happening in real time. “Lex, I took my eyes off the road for a second, just one second, to give her a kiss. A Mercedes… flying in from nowhere...she screamed.” He closes his eyes and his head bows. “I tried to swerve. It was like they were playing chicken. At the last second, I... I hit a tree. I don’t know how fast I... we were going. I woke in the hospital the next day. Broken ribs from the impact, the seatbelt...cuts from the glass. I kept asking the nurses where Lainey was...how she was doing.”
I wrap my arms around myself, just listening to him. He takes that shell he was holding and tosses it out into the waves as far as he can throw. He finally turns to face me, shedding tears as numerous as the stars.
“She died on impact, Lex...” His choked words ring over and over in my head, like an echo I wish I could get to stop. “She died because of me... My carelessness.”
“Julian...it was an accident.” My heart is in pieces for him, for them. “A terrible, horrible, unimaginable accident.” I tentatively take a couple of steps toward him.
“They never even stopped...” He goes into a near trance. “They left us both there.”
I want to comfort him. I need to comfort him, to hold him. I reach my hand for his face. This time, he doesn’t flinch. His eyes only close.
“I’m...I’m so sorry, Julian.”
His arm
s cross over his chest; he looks down and away. “Don’t...”
I rest my other hand on his upper arm. “Don’t what?” My voice is only just loud enough to be heard over the roar of the ocean.
“I don’t deserve it.”
“What don’t you deserve, Julian?”
“Your comfort, your solace...”
I guide his chin up to get him to look at me. He’s so lost. I take one last step closer and slide both my hands under his arms. “I’m going to hold you.”
I can feel him try to pull away from me, as if my touch burns him. “Alexandra, please…”
I pull him tighter, showing my resolve. He’s near double my size, but he seemingly can’t find the strength to break free.
“I’m not...I’m not allowed to be sad. I was told it’s time to move on. What’s past is past. That’s all I ever hear.”
I try and keep my anger at bay. “Who would ever tell you that?”
“Everyone! Her father, my father... Quinn...” I feel his body tense at the mention of her name. “She set this all up. The location, coming here. This weekend. This was the weekend Lainey and I would have married. She wanted it to be here on the island. Quinn knew that. This was cold, calculated, and planned to hurt me more than I already am.”
His trusting confession sets so many unanswered questions to rest in my mind. I speak against his body, “I’m not going to be like them. You should think of her, mourn her. You can cry, scream, break things. Do what you need to do, Julian. I will be here—before, during, and after.”
That small permission was seemingly all he ever needed to hear. His body begins to sag toward the ground, and I can’t hold him up. He hits the sand with such force, his fists pounding at the earth as the tears flow freely again. I sink down beside him.
“Shhh. It’s all right, Julian...I’m here...I’m here.” My tiny hands cover his.
His sobs are nearly choking him. “I miss her, Lex. I still love her.”
I pull his head to my chest and rock him slowly. I can’t hold back anymore. Before I know it, I’m crying with him. “I know you do... I know.”
***
I held him forever. The sun set, the moon rose. The only thing I did was text Jordan with a story that would satisfy us both being missing. Julian didn’t need questions right now. Selfishly, I wasn’t going to move. Unfortunately, the tides were determining our departure. I couldn’t move him. He seemed to finally release into the massive waves his own infinite emotion. There were times I didn’t think he’d ever be able to stop. Even though he didn’t know, I understood. You get to the point where you’ve hidden for so long that once you break free…
His weight is still heavy against me. I fear he may even have exhausted himself to sleep. I speak the first words in hours.
“Julian…we have to leave the beach. The tide is coming in.” I stroke his hair just a bit. He doesn’t respond verbally but he does with my touch. “You don’t have to talk, but I need you to help me. I’ll take you back to the resort. No one will see us… You. I promise. Not until you’re ready. I need you to just put one foot in front of the other and walk with me. Can you do that?”
For the first time in forever, he looks up. His eyes are nearly swollen closed from the tears he’s shed.
“Just lean on me. I won’t let go.” I know he understands by the gentle squeeze on my arm. I let him set the pace. We get to our knees, then our feet. “Just one foot in front of the other. We’ll make it together. I promise.”
He takes a deep breath. We follow the same path back to the road…retracing our steps. I don’t know what to do, but I know what I feel. I need to help him. I need to hold him. I need to make him feel safe again. I need him to feel the love he’s missing. He’s a zombie. I’ve seen him struggle through very tough scenes and come out wrecked on the other side. I’ve never seen this, though, and it scares me. What if he doesn’t come back? He has to come back. I need him as much as he needs me.
We make the walk back to the main gate in silence, where we’re greeted by security. I’m still having to encourage him to keep moving, and we’ll never make it without some sort of vehicle to get us to the residence side of the property. The guard, Charlie, looks to be the same age as my dad, and I look up at him with pleading eyes.
“Please. I need to get him to his room, as discreetly as possible. If I can’t, I’m out of a job.”
Charlie hesitates at first, but he can see I’ve been crying, and his father-like sensibilities win out. “My car is parked right over there. Come on, I’ll give you a ride.”
He smiles at my instant relief and gets us to the bungalows by way of the staff only roads.
I keep looking around before we leave the car to make sure no one sees him or me. I’m also trying to sort out how I’m going to get him up three flights of stairs. Once the car is in park and Charlie kills the engine, Julian doesn’t even move. There’s a storm in the distance. Occasionally, a flash dancing in the clouds illuminates us. His eyes are so dark and vacant still.
I whisper in his ear, “Julian, you’re staying in my room tonight. I don’t want you to be alone. You shouldn’t be. Please, take my hand.”
I’d usually hear a protest at this point. What if someone sees us? His silence screams loudly. “Julian…I need you to trust me.” I lay my hand in his lap, palm up, and he takes it slowly. “I’m right here, no matter what, remember?”
The rain comes in big drops, as large as I’ve ever seen. This storm mirrors the first one, from our first night together. He was so in control then. This time, it’s my turn. I kiss Charlie’s cheek from the back seat and thank him again. He blushes a bit. Through all this, Julian doesn’t break our contact. I open his car door and unbuckle him, then I lean in. “Julian, I need you to not give up right now. One foot in front of the other.”
He does as I ask. In doing so, he faces the storm, tilting his head to the rain. I don’t know if he’s trying to hide his own tears or soak in the ones from above. I hate that in this moment, one of his most raw, he’s never looked more beautiful to me.
I slide across the bench seat and exit behind him. I place my arm around his back and keep a careful watch around us. No one will see us, no one will see him at his most vulnerable. I won’t allow it. There have been too many people who have let him go this long without care for him, his feelings, and his soul. With each stair we climb, it gets a little harder. His feet move like drying cement, but I encourage him on.
Finally, we reach my door. The rocker on my balcony is teetering back and forth and he seems drawn to its movement as I work the key in my door. Pushing it open, I see the staff has already been there. The bed has been turned down and my lilac blanket is carefully folded its foot. I turn on the small amber desk lamp, which barely lights the room. Julian just stands in the middle of the space, the water dripping from every inch of him. His will is gone.
What would I want if this were me? What am I saying? It has been me. I peel his leather jacket slowly from his body, then toss it to the chair next to the bed. He’s visibly shaking. I take my special blanket and wrap it around him.
“Julian, I need you to sit down before you fall down.” I lean forward and kiss his bruised hand. He takes a breath and complies by slowly sinking into the cushions. His head rolls back over the top of the chair. The silence is too much. I reach for my tablet and place my playlist on shuffle. My hope is that it cuts through the rumble outside the window, and the one within him.
I kick my shoes off under the table, my movement seeming to track as slow as the music. I grab two tumblers from near the sink and a bottle of brandy from the wet bar, pouring his first and then one for myself. I kneel at his feet and push the bottom of the glass toward his lips, praying this will help some. The song changes to one that was always a favorite of my mom and dad’s. James Taylor has always brought me comfort.
He’s singing about fire and rain. I’ve seen both today, in many forms. The tumbler nearly drops from his hand.
“What? What is it?”
He speaks his first words since we left the beach. “This song… Lainey… Your music is so much like hers.”
My eyes drop closed. Fuck! This was one of their songs. I listen to every word and I immediately understand why. He hides his eyes, but I can see the tears that flow silently down his face once again. Part of me wants to shut off the music but I decide on a different course. I set the song on repeat, then take the drink from his hand and set it on the table. I rise to my feet and open the blanket surrounding him. I wind my fingers in his and pull him to his feet. We walk slowly to the center of the room and our link only breaks long enough for me to walk over and quickly shut off the light. The cast from outside is all we have.
I hold his ashen face in my hands, take a deep breath, and say, “Julian…for one night, just one…pretend I’m Lainey. Tell me everything you wish you could have said to her. Everything you want to say to her right now. Anything you need. Make love to her if that’s what you need.”
He looks at me with complete disbelief and confusion. I pull him in close and begin to sway. He stands stiff in my arms, but I don’t back down. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what else to do. The lyrics over and over seem to break through. They are what he needs to hear. The message behind them, the memories they bring. I send up a small silent prayer. “Lainey, if you can hear me… help me help him.”
I don’t know what verse it took…if it was me, her, or a combination of the two, but he begins to lose his resolve and melts into me. I feel like a conduit and I’m content to do it. I press my face into his chest. I want to give him the privacy to decide what, when, and if he will take me at my offer. I don’t know how long we hold each other before his broken voice cuts over the lyric.
“You don’t know what you mean to me. I’ve spent so much of my life being told what to do, where to stand, what to wear, and what to say. You were one of the only people to tell me that I’m good enough just as I am. I’m always myself around you. You make that easier than you’ll ever know, or I could ever tell you. You know my heart and care about my soul. You and I have a bond that is deeper than space, time, and distance… physical or otherwise.”