by Ariana Rose
As I listen to his words, it’s hard not to cry. He’s so raw and so exposed. I can feel the love he has for her. It’s palpable. It’s a living, breathing thing.
“You’ve rarely heard these words from me because you know I don’t offer them like some do. When I say them, you know they are honest and true. I… I love you.”
I pull my head away from his chest and find him looking down at me. I don’t want to interrupt him, but I can’t help but touch his face. I take hold of the back of his head and gently pull his lips to mine for the softest of kisses. He doesn’t resist. His hands slide up my arms to the sides of my neck, and he holds me like a precious piece of glass. He softly clears his throat.
“I want to make love to you.”
I nod in clear permission. “I want that too.”
“You saved me again,” he says.
“I’ll do it as long as you let me, Julian.”
I don’t know if it was wrong to say that, but I can’t take it back now. I wouldn’t, even if I had to. Julian reaches over and takes the playlist off repeat, letting fate decide what guides us. The selections become soft, slow, and sultry, just like him. I know this isn’t our first time, but I’m nervous… really nervous. It feels like our first time to me. I want everything to be perfect. I want every time to be perfect.
We stand as close as two people can without touching. I can feel the heat from his body. I raise both my hands, looking at each one; first, right…then left. He mirrors my actions. It’s like we are afraid to touch each other because it’s too real. I give in first, laying my hands on his chest. I just want them to settle there. He closes his eyes, inhaling a deep breath.
When he opens them again, he doesn’t quite smile but there is a tenderness to his face. He reaches with his hands to glide across the hair that lines my face. He pulls his fingers lightly down and forward, over and over. My instant reaction is to turn my cheek into his palm, and his hand freezes except for his thumb. It draws a lazy path from my earlobe down my jaw. I turn my head and kiss that same palm. Slowly, he tucks my hair behind both ears, placing a kiss on my left shoulder. I reach my left hand and hold the back of his neck gently. I don’t want to be too greedy but, in my mind, I want nothing more than to touch his whole being like this…soft…slow. I want to show him every ounce of love he’s been missing and that he’s had taken from him. He wraps a free arm at my waist and lifts me from the floor. As my arms drape around his neck, he leans in for our first sweet taste. His lips are different this time. It’s not about a need. This is about love.
He sets us gently on the bed, side by side, guiding me to lay down before him. His fingers trace a lazy line between my breasts, only stopping to open each button until my pale skin appears. He leans in, kissing my navel. I cup his cheek in my hand and pull enough so he knows that I want him laying right beside me.
“I want to feel all of you,” he whispers.
I nod and reach my hands up to open each button of his shirt. He wants skin on skin and it will be my pleasure to give it to him. Julian stands up for a moment, pulling his shirt off over his shoulders, drawing his zipper down on his jeans and sliding them off as well. I don’t think, if I looked at him like this for every minute of every hour of every day, it would ever be enough.
He kneels near my feet and soon, he’s straddling me. His hands settle on my thighs. They glide north, catching the fabric of my skirt, and push it to my waist. He slowly lowers to hover over me.
“Before we do this, I need you to know something,” he says.
“What? What is it, Julian?”
“What I said before… that I want to make love to you…”
“Yes…” I anchor my hand on his back, stroking his spine.
“You need to know one thing. I’m making love to you, Alexandra… not the memory of her. My words could have been for her, but they were about you. Tonight, I’m going to be showing you what those words mean.”
In that moment, I finally admit to myself what my heart has known since that first day in Piedmont.
I’m irrevocably in love with him.
I WAKE JUST as the sun begins to peek through the wood slat blinds. I feel completely hung over but oddly in a good way. Alexandra’s sleeping so peacefully on my chest that I don’t want to move. Her right arm is tucked like a wing between us, and her left arm across my body feels like a protective armor. Our legs are woven together beneath the one sheet we left with us. I need her still, but guilt outweighs my selfishness.
She deserves her sleep after everything I put her through last night. She stayed by my side through everything. I thought, or I should say I’d always been told, no one could ever love me as damaged as I am. She can, and I think she does. I’m not sure how I feel about that? I’ve ever only loved one other woman, and it was nothing like this.
With Lainey, it was natural, safe and smooth. I never had any questions about it. With this one—I look down at her wild chestnut hair—it’s been a tornado. She called that from day one when she said Diesel had the wrong name. I smile as I pull a long curl away from her cheek. Her soft skin is still flushed. I knew then she was trouble for me. She was forcing me to live again. The more time I spend near her, the more time we are pushed together, I can’t and don’t want to stay away. Her vibrancy, tenacity, her “no bullshit” attitude. I need to know more than what we’ve been allowed to experience. How can I do that? How can we do that?
My mind begins to race with all kinds of possibilities. Then it hits me like that lightning we can’t manage to stay away from.
I whisper, “Alexandra…” I begin to stroke her back. “Lex…” I move in next to her ear and she protests only with a small groan.
Her eyes don’t open as she speaks against my chest. “What time is it?”
“It’s early.” I gently run my fingers in and through her hair. “Just after sunrise.”
She lifts her head so her chin rests on my rib cage. Her eyes finally open. They are bright and soft. “Why, exactly, are we awake?”
I take a huge risk and ask, “What are you doing with your three-day break?”
She looks at me with complete confusion. “Well, I was going to use them to go to home to Minneapolis. I haven’t booked a flight yet though. Why?”
“You know my scenes are done. I don’t want to return to Atlanta yet.” I can’t look at her this raw. I gaze up at the ceiling and watch the fan spin like the thoughts in my head. “I want to run away with you. I want us to spend time together, in a place where we don’t have to worry about who is around, what we are saying, and where we are. I don’t want this, what we have right now, to stop.” I take a leap of faith, open my eyes, and I weave my fingers with hers. “Come to Savannah with me. I have a brownstone right off Forsythe Park. No one knows I do but me. We’ll be free. Come with me.”
I watch as her eyes grow wider. But as they do, they also gloss over a bit. Is she crying? Fuck!
“Julian…” She pauses. It’s one of longest pauses of my life. “When do we leave?”
***
Lying about where I was going was easier than I thought it would be. I don’t know if it was because Jordan was sick of looking at me, it wasn’t his business, he didn’t care, or any combination of the three. Whatever the case, I was glad to be out. I was going to be away from the grind, I was going to be away from Quinn and, the best surprise of all, I was going to be with Julian.
The call to my dad was not easy. He wasn’t happy that I wasn’t coming home but he’s trying to become more comfortable with my gypsy nature. He knows something in me is broken but slowly, it’s healing. That’s all that he cares about, so his blessing for this trip was what I needed to hear. I haven’t mentioned Julian to him. I don’t know exactly what is happening with Julian and I at this point. Am I a distraction? Am I a friend? Am I something he needs? Maybe this trip will make things clearer. What’s more, my dad is still confused by my break from Hunter. I’m not ready for full disclosure on either front.
; We were able to find a short window while the crew was occupied to slip away without fanfare. I don’t know what Julian told Quinn, if anything. I wish I could say I cared, but I don’t. I’ve never had a good feeling about her, and if she is even remotely involved with caging in Julian’s feelings like this…I can’t even go there right now.
It felt so good to get onto I-95 going north. I didn’t mind driving. When I’m in control, I feel able to let things go easier. Besides that, Julian needs to sleep. I know I got more than he did. Ninety minutes from Jekyll Island to Savannah isn’t long, but I hope he’ll sleep the whole way. What he did last night was so brave in my eyes. He stared at something so painful and faced it. I don’t know his father, or Quinn’s, but I hope with all that I am I never have to. I won’t be able to hold my tongue. The pressure they’ve put on him to blow past his grief and love someone he can’t is mind-blowing. I know all about grief. You can’t just snap your fingers and it’s over. Sometimes it takes months, or maybe years. Sometimes never. Some may never move on. I pray that’s not him. I’ll help in any way I can but at his pace. If he’s comfortable, he will heal.
The sun is warm, nearly too warm, but I can’t help but crave the sea air in my face. All the causeways and tributaries we drive past is more space between us and the world we’re trying to leave behind. I look to my right, every once in a while, and watch his face. It’s so much more peaceful than last night. I’d like to think it was simply me, but I know better. It was the memories of Lainey.
I honestly wish I would have known her. All I know about her is what I’ve studied, read and watched in old clips. I thought it would only serve my due diligence in my job. Now it’s helping me to understand him, where he’s been, and what he’s been through. She was absolutely beautiful. I never found one bad word or picture of her. Her hair was slightly lighter than mine. She seemed to have this beauty that radiated from the inside. It definitely wasn’t one that was painted on like she who shall not be named. How can two people be related but be so very different? I can see exactly why Julian loved her. Everyone seemed to.
My thoughts carry us all the way into the city limits. As soon as we cross over, I try and wake my sleeping beauty. “Julian… Hey…” I whisper, touching his hand. “Julian, we’re here. You have to tell me where to go.”
He stretches a bit and rubs his eyes. “We’ll go in the back way. Take a right on MLK Boulevard then a left on Gwinnett Street. We have gated parking behind.”
“How long has it been since you were here?” I ask.
He watches street after street pass. I feel the tension build and the relaxed face I watched sleep is all but gone. After what feels like forever, he finally registers my question. “This is the first time since Lainey died. She had the place decorated but never got to see it. I couldn’t stay here without her.”
My heart seizes. “We don’t have to stay there, Julian. If you’re not ready to go back, we can find a hotel. Aren’t there a ton on the Riverwalk?”
He’s finally able to look at me. His eyes are a whirlwind of emotion. “Lex… I need to go there. I want someone to see it with me, and I want that person to be you.”
His pure honesty catches me off guard, yet they were words I didn’t know I wanted to hear. “I’d be honored.”
We roll to a stop at 815 Whitaker. The exterior is gorgeous. A white three-story brownstone that has a small second floor balcony on the front. The Spanish moss falls all up and down the street.
“I see why you like it here, Julian. It reminds me of some of the homes around the Chain of Lakes in Uptown. You should see it sometime.” The words fly out of my mouth before I can take them back.
“I’ve never been to the Twin Cities, so I’ll need a tour guide. Know anyone qualified?”
I giggle a little bit. “I might know a person or two.”
The gate pulls back, and we park outside for now. His small smile fades away. I can tell he’s hesitant to go inside. Silently, I pop the trunk for the bags and exit the car. He quietly offers to take both. I close the trunk, lock up, and we stand at the back entrance. I don’t prod him to move forward. I know he will when he’s ready.
Ten minutes we stand there. He finally hands me the keys. I don’t say a word. I open the lock and push the door open. It smells like…lavender and vanilla, mixed with a hint of lilac.
“Julian, was someone here?”
I listen as he replies, as if on autopilot, as he stares down another round of ghosts. “I have had caretakers for the property ever since she…” He steps to open the curtains behind the seating area. “They clean once a week, just in case I would come to see the place.”
“It’s really beautiful, Julian. She would have liked it. I know I do.”
“Yes, well…” He clears his throat. “The master suite is on the third floor. Do you feel comfortable joining me?”
“If you need me next to you.”
“Alexandra… I’m asking what you want.”
“I want to be where you are, so…yes. Yes, I want to join you.”
***
We spend most of the evening walking the city. He was in the mood for a local brew, which was perfectly fine with me. We ate dinner at Moon River. It was so filling, we had to continue walking, and we were able to catch the sunset. It was one of those that takes the sky from blue to orange to fire red, then darkness. Since it was my first time in Savannah, he said we had to do a ghost tour. He seems happy to be here and I can’t help but be the same. The tour guide put on an amazing show. She was so knowledgeable about the city. I never realized the amount of history the south held. I was mesmerized.
After the tour, we grab a pedal cab back to the house. I’d never heard of such a thing. Now that the sun is down and the water so close, the temperature sinks. The two of us huddle up in the back seat under a blanket. Now it’s my turn to be barely able to stay awake. The smooth ride is like a lullaby. In what feels like seconds, I wake to him calling my name, and I lift my head from his shoulder. We’re back home… Home. I can’t believe I thought that word. Am I getting in to deep? Too invested?
He steps down to the sidewalk and offers his hand up to me, which I take. In a show, he grips me by my hips and sets me down beside him. After he tips the driver, we go up the front stairs. He’s starting to tense again, and I hate that this is so hard for him.
“Are you tired?” I ask.
He looks down at me in a pure moment of honesty. “I’m exhausted.”
“Julian, let’s just go to bed. I’m tired too.” I hope that helps him know he doesn’t have to entertain or amuse me. I know his being here is about leaving all that behind.
“Lex… I do want to go to bed, but can we…talk for a bit?”
“Sure, of course we can. Are you sure you’re all right with me being in… her bed?”
“Alexandra, I can’t be in that bed alone. At least if you’re there, it will be someone who understands, you know?”
I take his hand and give it a gentle squeeze. “I’m going to clean up a bit. Just give me a couple of minutes?”
“Thank you.”
“Why are you thanking me, Julian?”
“I know none of this is easy for you.”
“This isn’t about me. This is about you connecting to her again and being comfortable in this place. I’m here however you need me to be. All you have to do is breathe. I don’t expect anything more.”
As I turn to enter the bathroom, Julian’s words stop me. “You’re truly stunning.”
I give him a small smile before I disappear behind the door. Once it closes, I turn my back and lean against it. Now I’m the one who needs collecting.
***
When I return, I find him sitting on the side of the bed, holding one of the pillows close to his face. “Julian?”
“I thought the smell of her would be a comfort. That’s why the lilacs. They were her favorite flower.”
I sit down next to him. “They’re mine too. My dad’s yard is full of every
color bush you could imagine.”
“It must be beautiful.” He lowers the pillow to his lap but still doesn’t let it go.
“Julian, I need to ask you something. That day in my apartment… it was the lilacs, wasn’t it?”
“What do you mean?” he asks.
“The lilacs were what finally sent you running. You were you, then you weren’t.”
“It was a combination of several things, Alexandra. It really was.” He places the pillow back at the head of the bed.
“I feel like pieces of the puzzle are starting to come together, you know?” I pull my hair back over my right ear.
“Where did you get the scar over your eye? I never noticed it until now.”
He reaches up to touch it and I quickly pull my hair back down. “It’s an old injury. It was…an accident”
“What kind of accident? Bike? Car? Dog?” he asks. I quickly get up from beside him to get into bed on the other side.
“It’s the kind of accident I can’t talk about.” I lay my head down on the pillow to cover it. I pull the sheet up over me, hoping he’ll let it go. “Will you turn out the light?”
I can feel his eyes burning into the back of my head. He’s not going to let this pass. I turn over; he looks at me, confused for a split second but then a realization washes over him. His look goes from that of inquiry to borderline fury. “What was his name? Does he still have his balls? If so, I’m offering my services to remove them.”
“Julian… I don’t want to talk about him. I’m not ready. Please?” I reach out for his hand. “All I want to do right now is sleep.”
“I get it, Alexandra. I really do.” He climbs in on the other side, facing me. We lay there in silence for a long time, just staring into each other’s eyes. Then, in the simplest of gestures, he reaches across and holds my hand between our pillows. Once he takes hold, he closes his eyes. I know he understands. I’m learning we are more alike than I ever imagined. Once I hear his breathing even out, I close my eyes and sleep in bed with this man. The man I’ve dreamed of my whole life; only now, I’m finding out that he’s not a fantasy.