by Ariana Rose
“That one, Julian. The silver with the bright green stone. That’s the one I want.” The owner smiles and praises her choice. She unlocks the case and presents us with the ring. It’s even better up close. It’s so ornate yet delicate.
“Let me put it on you. Please?”
I hold out my right hand. She slides it on to my middle finger smoothly. It’s a perfect fit. “Alexandra, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Just wear it. As long as you have it on and I can see it… just wear it.”
After we exit the jeweler, back on to the street, we notice that the City Market has become quieter. It could be that it is a Monday. It could be the heat. The stools outside the Georgia Tasting Room were still full. We decide on a pale ale; it’s just a little something to cool us down. As we walk back up toward the horses boarding position, we hear music coming from one of the restaurants. It’s the anthem about brown-eyed girls. Could it be more apropos?
“Alexandra? One more thing before the horses.”
She takes my hand and holds it up, so the sun gleans off my ring. “What is that?”
“Dance with me?” She looks around, seemingly a bit nervous. “This song is playing for you. I don’t care who is looking. This song is playing for you. Dance like no one is watching.”
She links her left hand with my right. I roll her out and then back in to tuck close to my chest. The beat is fast, but we take it ever so slow.
***
Three and a half hours seems like a long time, but when it becomes the clock ticking down to the minute we have to separate, it’s the shortest two hundred and ten minutes ever.
We talked a lot for the first hour. The second hour was every now and then. But, by the time we got north and west of Macon, the car was silent. I knew we’d see the loop soon and I had to say something. I look over and he’s watching the trees go by. The sun is setting in front of us, in more ways than one.
“Julian?”
He slowly turns toward me. “Yes?”
“What do we do now? I mean…this is complicated, to say the least. I don’t have any illusion that you’re just going to change your entire life. I don’t… I don’t know what I’m saying.”
“I wish I had answers for you, Alexandra. I’ve been sitting here, trying to figure out a solution.” He looks down at his ring and continues, “I want to keep you away from the bullshit. This is my burden. Work is its own animal. Quinn picks up on everything. You’ve seen her affinity for creating trouble.” He begins to twist the ring in slow circles. “I don’t want my father near you. I don’t want him to know you exist.”
His words sting a bit. “Julian, I know I’m a secret.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. I see it as you’re mine. You’re pure. You’re not able to be harmed. I will protect you. Even if you don’t see it, I’m protecting you.”
I can feel him anticipating the danger.
“Julian? Was this what it was like before?”
“Before?” he asks.
“Did you feel this pit in your stomach while you were with Lainey?”
“Every day.” He reaches across the console for my hand, and nearly crushes it with how hard he squeezes.
I offer him one word back. “Trust.”
“What?”
“My father always says at the root of everything is trust. We have to trust everything will work out. We have to trust that this will work out the way we want it to. You need to trust me, and I need to trust you. I will try if you will.”
“I will try, Alexandra. I will try.”
I’VE SCANNED THE same sections of this script five times and nothing is sticking. My mind is drifting all over the place. I can’t stay on one train of thought long enough to have anything make sense. The best way I can describe it is it’s rained so long for me, now that the sun is finally starting to peek out, it’s all I crave. Lainey was, and still is, my sun. But Alexandra is beginning to shine brighter. I’ve done everything wrong since we returned from Savannah. We got too close. I thought distance would be better for both of us. For me, that was further from the truth. It’s been nothing but darker.
The week began with a not-so-friendly call from my father, which took me about seven rings to decide if I was even going to answer.
“Yes, Father?”
“Is that really how you want to come at me right now?”
“I’m on set and busy. Why don’t you just yell at me for whatever you’re going to yell at me for and get it over with.”
“Where the hell were you? Jordan said you immediately disappeared after your last scene, and then you were out of pocket for nearly four days without Quinn. You need to explain yourself.”
“I am an adult. I know you like to forget that, but I am. I needed some time. You should know why, considering you were a large part of my need for escape.”
“Blaming me again because you can’t handle anything. Typical.”
“Father, you helped get the entire location shoot moved to a place you know I couldn’t or shouldn’t have had to go back to.”
“That? That’s what you’re in a tizzy over? It’s called, it made business sense and you had a job to do. Your ‘emotions’ should have had no play in the matter. It’s time to be done with this grieving nonsense.”
I got unintentionally brave being able to hide behind the phone. “Nonsense? You are really a selfish bastard, aren’t you? Just because you have zero feelings about anything or anyone, unless it’s green paper or a connection to gain you something, doesn’t mean the rest of the civilized world needs to operate in that bullshit.”
“You’d better watch that tongue of yours, or…”
“Or what, Jack? You’re going to what?! There’s nothing you can do that you haven’t already done. You, Quinn, and her father sending me back to Jekyll Island was my break. I’m done.”
“Done, you say? You ungrateful brat! I can take everything you have away in the snap of a finger. Do you want to see everyone surrounding you out of a job? I can and will do that. I didn’t get to the heights I have without my finger in several honey pots. The network vice president is on the arts council with me in New York. I have his ear tonight. Should I fill it with pressure to cancel you, or should I fill it with bullshit demographic information that shows you should be picked up for season three? Clock is ticking. I will be hitting disconnect in three… two…”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to will away the sickness of what I’m about to do. “I’ll step back in line. But to be clear, it’s not for you. It’s for my real family. This is my family.”
“You’re so easy. Get back to what you call work. I will pull the strings from my end.”
“Well, Father, didn’t you always say do what you’re good at?”
He cackles in a way that would send chills up Vincent Price’s spine. “Touché.”
He kills the call and I drop my phone into my lap. I just sold my soul to the devil. I open my eyes to the floor and I see a pair of black pumps tapping in my view. This is hell. I’m in hell. I look up and see Quinn standing with her script in hand and arms crossed. Fuck…
“May I help you?” I bark.
“You could help me by explaining where the fuck you are and have been. You’ve got your head up your ass or in the clouds, and it’s really killing our scenes and my performance. As far as the weekend, I waited forever for you on Friday, and you checked out with not so much as a word. I had a candlelit dinner waiting for us and a bed that went as cold as the duck. Then you ignored my calls all weekend. I’m about two seconds from blowing up everything.”
“Oh, Jesus Christ. I needed a break after your stunt. You pulled me into a place, knowing what effect it would have, then bitch about the outcome. Look, for those in the back who are hard of hearing and lacking memory, I’ve told you that things are not all the way back with my functionality. I’m doing my best.” I don’t know how long this lie will keep her at bay but I’m using it un
til I have no other choice. “If you want anything at all out of me today, you will turn around right now and walk away.”
“Pushing me away again and again.” She bends down and whispers in my ear, “Your best isn’t cutting it anymore. This is the last time, Julian. I don’t care what your doctors say. I don’t care what you say. I have needs that should be met. You need to start giving me something.”
“This must be ultimatum Monday and I was not informed. Quinn, we are two weeks from wrapping. Give me that two weeks to get us renewed so we all still have a job, then we can talk about your needs.”
“I will expect you in my apartment tonight for dinner and dessert. If you don’t show tonight…” She gives my cheek a kiss and smiles only in her eyes. When she does that, it means usually one thing and one thing only. It means Hurricane Quinn is about to unleash her fury on everyone and everything. The claws will come out and tear apart lives. It’s her one gift, if you can call it that. The sickness I was trying to stave off after my father’s phone call is tenfold. I don’t think I can stop it. My stomach bobs and weaves, but it gives me till the privacy of my trailer before I wretch until my body aches. How can the solace of Savannah have evaporated so quickly? I know how. It’s my disconnect with Alexandra. I need it back.
As I sit on the floor of the bathroom in my trailer, my brain wanders to that old saying, bad things come in threes. What the fuck is next to finish me off?
***
Thirty days. I’ve been in Atlanta one month. I don’t think I’ve had more chaos or more peace in thirty days in my life. This past week was the quietest but the most chaotic at the same time. We snuck back into town after Savannah and save work, I haven’t seen Julian. I knew being so close yet so far apart would be hard, but I didn’t realize how hard.
Since I’ve been here, every Friday has held something. The first Friday, we had sex for the first time. The third was his painful confession on the beach. I expected something to happen last Friday. Maybe he would sneak to my apartment again. Maybe on one of my runs, I’d see him with Diesel. None of that happened. I had hope again. I shouldn’t have.
I’ve been flying through the motions of my job. I’m trying to stay focused there. Filming is near over for this cycle and I do hope I’m asked back. The other side to that coin is that when filming is over, what does that mean for Julian and me? Will it still be like it is? Will there be more? Will it be over? I can’t think about it being the last choice. How did I go from never wanting to be with someone again to only wanting that with him?
I hear them call for dinner break. I can breathe for an hour. I see Julian across the soundstage with Quinn. She’s got his full attention, except for the one lingering look. He glances over at me. We try and have a conversation with our eyes. I miss you. I miss Savannah. I’m thinking of you. We end our silent dance with a twist of his ring. He’s been wearing it, even in filming.
The squawk of my earpiece startles me. Jordan is barking in my ear that I will need to be back twenty minutes before everyone else. I acknowledge him, then sink into a chair at a table in the very back of craft services. Nadine, the lead chef, has taken a liking to me. I spend a little of the spare time I have with her. She reminds me of my mother a bit. She’s been this little security blanket here on set for me. She sees me have a seat and sets tonight’s plate in front of me with two bottles of water.
“Eat. Drink,” she says.
“Thank you.” It’s all I have for her tonight.
She cups my chin. “Rest.”
No trouble there, Nadine. Trust me. After I take my first bite, my phone buzzes. I pull it from my back pocket and see a “call me soon” text from Connor. Shit! My RSVP! I quickly call him back.
He answers, “So, I just have to text you’re in deep shit with my caterer in order for you to call?”
“Con, I’m so sorry. It’s been crazy, and I was a bit off-grid for a while. You know I’m coming next weekend. I’d walk home if I had to.”
“I was just kidding. I knew my best girl wouldn’t let me down.”
“I do need to ask you one thing. Is Hunter coming?”
“He never replied, so no, he’s not. Why does it matter?”
“Fuck… there’s so much you don’t know. Do you have time for the Cliff’s Notes?”
“Jesus, Lex, that sounds like a story I need in full.”
“You will eventually. I promise. For now, you need to know that he hurt me, Connor. He had nearly our whole relationship. He was the final reason why I left. I don’t want to see him or be near him. I’m scared to even come home yet because I simply left, and basically did it ‘fuck you’ style. It was deserved, but to a man like him, it was something that will gain payback.”
“I will kill him. If I see him, I will kill him. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I really didn’t tell anyone, Con. Shana and Becca knew some, but not all. They helped me leave and get down here. I guess I was ashamed. I was ashamed I was with someone like that at all but also ashamed that I let it go on as long as I did. My dad doesn’t even know.”
“Your dad would melt down. I hate that you’ve been taking this all on alone.”
“I’m not totally alone.”
“You’re too beautiful and smart to be off the market too long. Who is he?”
I turn to the corner, so no one can hear me or even see my lips move, “All right, I will tell you, but you have to keep this a million percent to yourself. This is the most solemn promise I’ve asked you to make. It could mean not only my job, but even more. Say it. Say you’ll promise.”
“God, I promise. You know I’m like Fort Knox.”
“There is someone here, on set, that I’ve been spending a lot of time with. He’s wonderful when we’re allowed to be alone.”
I can hear Connor’s wheels turn. “What do you mean by alone?”
“Like I said, it’s complicated. I can’t really go in to details. There are too many ears near me.”
“All right, I won’t press. I will make you a suggestion, though.”
“What is that, oh wise one?” I tease.
“Make him your plus one.”
“My plus one? Are you kidding?! He’d never… we’d never… pulling that off would be the job of the century.”
“I think you’re just the woman to do it. I dare you.”
“Connor, you didn’t just lay a dare down, did you? I hate it when you do that.”
“I know you can’t resist. Don’t think, just do. I love you.”
“I love you too. Damn you anyway. I’ll see you in a week.”
“I’ll be one of the ones in a tux. Call me if you need me.”
“I will. Bye, Con.” With that, I hang up the phone. As I turn back around, I realize I haven’t been alone the whole time.
***
The look of surprise on her face tells me she wasn’t expecting company. I told Nadine I’d bring Alexandra the peach cobbler that she’d become so attached to.
“Nadine said you ordered this.”
Alexandra smiles a bit. “She says I’m too skinny. Are you all right? You look pale.”
“It’s been an especially hard day. I’ll be fine. Back to topic, I think you’re perfect, if it matters. Who do you love?”
“Excuse me?” she asks.
“You told whomever you were on the phone with you love them.”
“It was Connor. His wedding is next Saturday. I’m flying back home on Friday for the weekend to attend.”
“You didn’t mention leaving before. Is there a reason?”
She looks around to make certain no one will hear us. “It slipped my mind while we were together. We haven’t exactly been alone or talked since.”
I take a deep breath and let it go. I can’t fight with a third person today, least of all, Alexandra. “So, you’re going to be gone for how many days?”
I watch her nervously fold her napkin over and over. “Friday until Monday. It will be nice to be with my dad for a few days, and
watching Connor and David marry will give me hope.”
“That is a dangerous word, Alexandra.”
“Trust me. I’m well aware.”
As she tries to get up and walk away, I take her wrist in my hand. “I know you’re angry, hurt, and confused. Know I understand and feel much the same. Things have happened this week that I can’t talk about. The walls that came down in Savannah have gone back up and been fortified. I can’t breathe. I was going to go back there this weekend for our break, but…”
“But what, Julian? What?”
“What if I came with you to Minneapolis?”
The color washes out of her face. She sinks slowly in the chair across from me. “You haven’t really spoken to me in over a week. We go through all these things together, and then nothing. Now you want me to just be okay with everything, and fall to my knees, and say yes come with me?”
“Christ! No, I don’t expect that. Nothing is okay. This whole situation, for the lack of better words, is fucking bullshit. I can’t take anymore from anyone. I’m going to try and do what I need to do.”
“Julian, I’m really trying not to have any expectations. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, and I’m really trying to let things be. I know what is at stake for you, at least a little bit. But there comes a point when I have to take care of myself. I came to Atlanta for that reason.”
I close my eyes to set the place of complete honesty in motion. “I want to go. I need to go. Being here gets harder and harder. I know what going home could mean for you. Let me be there to protect you how you protected me. Just say yes. That’s all you need to do, and I will take care of the rest. We will figure it out. Just say yes.”
“Yes, Julian. My answer is yes.”
***
I think I can get through this. I must get through this. I unlock her door with my key and enter. Just as I suspected would be the case, there is no dinner waiting.
“Quinn?” I pause, then call out again, louder. “Quinn?”