by Ariana Rose
She enters from my right with the smallest of negligees on. She leans up against the wall, her arm over her head, and with full sugar lacing her tone, declares, “Honey, you’re home.”
“This is not home, but I’m here as ordered.”
She slinks toward me. “Do you like my outfit?”
“Quinn, if you mean the little piece of cloth wrapped around you, yes, it’s fine.”
“Fine? I wanted it to be more than fine, Jules.” She traces her finger down the button line of my shirt.
“I thought I made it clear this wasn’t going to happen.”
“Jules, I thought I made it clear there was going to be movement tonight. So, I’ve gotten creative.” She takes hold of my hand and pulls me forward into the living room where the lights are low, the shades are drawn, and there is a lone plush chair in the middle of the hard wood.
“What is this?”
“Well darling, this is going to be our stage for the night, and the show is for a party of one. Namely me.”
Fuck! Everything is always about her.
“You?” I ask.
“Jules”—she slides my shirt free from my waistband— “you say you can’t move. So fine. That doesn’t mean I can’t.” She spins me around and pushes me down into the chair.
“Quinn, I don’t….” I don’t want this. I don’t want you.
“No more talking.” She slides a small object into the palm of my hand. “You can’t rev me by yourself… fine. But you can be in control of what does.”
She sets the object in motion. What the actual fuck?!
“A vibrator? Are you serious?”
“Very.” Her voice trails as she kicks a leg across my lap, so she is straddling me, but facing away. Thank God she is facing away so she can’t see my disgust but even more than that, I won’t have to kiss her. I can’t. I won’t. She takes my hand with the toy in it and powers it up. “Oh, baby. Feel that power.”
I can’t speak. I feel sick again. I know where this is going.
“Julian, you need to participate.” She takes the toy from me and places it on her. She arches back into my body.
“You have me here, Quinn. That should be enough.”
“It’s not.” She pulls my hand over the toy and presses the pair of us tight against her. She instantly begins a show. “Oh fuck, baby. I’m going to be a sure thing tonight.” She groans, lays her head back on my shoulder, and grinds into our melted hands.
I instantly go to that place in my head my father created years ago. It’s the one where I can escape what was happening then and happening right now. How am I going to explain this to Alexandra? I know she understands doing what you must in order to survive, but I feel like I’m cheating. I know I am cheating myself most of all.
I DIDN’T SLEEP. I couldn’t. The replay of my time with Quinn was playing like a nightmare, only I was awake. I showered three times. The first was immediately when I got home. I wanted her perfume off me, even if I had to peel my skin away. The second was about two a.m., when I realized I’d likely need it to sleep. The last came about seven a.m., when I used it as my first cup of coffee. An actual pot in, I sit down to try and learn my additional lines for call this afternoon.
The only thing I’m thankful for today is the fact I’ve no screen time with Quinn. I have mostly solo work and scenes with my reel-life brother. He knows how to keep things light and fun. I stare down at the words on my pages and they all blur together. I think I even doze off for a second, when my phone rings. I turn and look at Diesel.
“Boy, I had my three things. This had better be something good.” Hoping it’s Alexandra, I turn my phone over. The caller ID reads my mother’s cell.
“Mom?”
“Hello, darling. Is everything all right?”
“Everything’s fine, Mom. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“I had a horrible dream last night, Julian. You were hurt.”
She wouldn’t be totally wrong. “Mom, I’m still at home. I’m not injured.”
“Sweetheart, I can hear something in your voice. I also know that your father ranted and raved about some victory, and I heard him say your name. Did you speak to him yesterday? Did you have words?”
I want to tell her. She knows so much but I don’t know if she can handle this too. “Mom, are you alone?”
“Yes, Julian. Your father stayed in the city last night. I’ve been taking advantage of the quiet.”
“You mean you get to make your own choices and not get yelled at for them.”
“Something like that. Is there something you wanted to talk to me about?”
“Mom, can I confide in you?”
“I would hope you could, Julian. You know that you’re my priority and you always have been. What is it?”
“You always told me to give it time. Even though you know Father’s wishes, you told me even if I wanted to go against it, you’d support me.”
“I stand by that, Julian. I know what you lost that day. Watching you lose your love was harder than anything I’ve ever experienced.”
“I find that hard to believe, Mom.”
“If you have children someday, you’ll understand exactly. You’re built like me. Always remember that.”
“Mom, I… I found a woman. I ran into her. Well, Diesel did. To make a long story short and give you plausible deniability, I really like her. We enjoy each other in the same ways Lainey and I used to. Honestly, even though it hurts, we have an even stronger connection in some ways.”
“Julian, that is all I’ve ever wanted for you. I hear a serious ‘but however.’”
“The but is always the same. Father is the but. His threats are getting larger. This time it’s toe the line, or the entire show is done. The weight of all those people on my shoulders is nearly more than I can bear.”
“Julian, you are stronger than you think. You’re the strongest person I know. If this girl, this woman, is worth the fight, then have the fight. You will win in the end. You will win because you will have your love. The rest will come out in the wash.”
“You want me to love her?”
“Julian, does she feel about you how you feel about her?”
“God, I hope so, Mom.”
“Then that’s more than half the battle won. In my eyes, she’s the lucky one.”
I sit silent on the line. My mother thinks I’m strong? I’m in awe of her.
“Mom, I really love you.”
“I love you too, son.”
WE FLY IN from the south. I let Julian have the window. I want the skyline to be the first thing he sees. Once the captain makes the announcement we are on approach, I lean over to wake him.
I run the back of my finger down his cheek. “Sleeping beauty…we’re almost on the ground.”
He stretches a bit. “I slept the whole time? Jesus! I didn’t think I was that tired.”
“I knew you were. You get this look in your eye.”
“My mother always said that too. Ever since I was little. Only the two of you have ever commented on it.”
“Maybe we are the only ones who ever paid attention.” His face falls a little bit. “No, Julian, I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t mean to disrespect Lainey.”
“I know you didn’t, Lex. It’s okay.” He kisses the back of my hand. “Don’t even think on it anymore.”
He doesn’t know me well then. How could I have said that? I shut my big mouth until we hit the gate. “We came in to the smaller terminal. There’s only about fifteen gates. I thought this would offer us more privacy. My dad will pick up on the baggage level. Are you ready to meet him?”
He takes our bags down from the overhead. “Is he as scary as you?”
I give him a look that fades into a smile. “More so.”
He already looks lighter, now that we are away from the set and all the demons he seems to have floating just below the surface. I know you can’t run away from your problems, but we’re sure as hell going to try.
Like
usual, Dad camped out on Post Road until I gave him the go ahead “we’re here” text. If I know him, he was waiting there an hour ago, just in case we got in early. We step outside the end door and there he is. He’s got the hazards on the SUV and waving with a grin. He looks so good! I run ahead and dive into his arms.
“Hi, Dad!”
“Oh, sweetheart.” He wraps me so tight, I nearly can’t breathe.
“I’m here now. I really missed you.”
“You’re too skinny, sweetheart.”
“Dad, stop! I have someone to introduce you to. Dad, I’d like you to meet Julian Stone. Julian, this is my father, Colin Taylor.”
Julian extends his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir.”
“The pleasure is mine, Julian. I’ve seen your work. Well done.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Please, call me Colin. Especially since I assume you’ll be rooming with my daughter.”
“Dad!” Oh my God! Can I crawl under a rock now?
“Colin, I would like to stay with her, yes, but only with your permission. If you’d prefer I stay on the sofa, I will do that.”
I look at Julian. He wants to stay with me, but if my dad doesn’t want it, he will make him happy. Julian just scored huge points with me.
My dad kisses my temple. “You are both adults. I will add a set of towels to your room, sweetheart.”
“Thank you, Dad.” If he only knew all the things I was saying thank you for. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for making this easy. Thank you for not asking too many questions, but most of all, thank you for accepting Julian as a part of me without really knowing how or why.
***
I stand behind Alexandra as she says good night to her father. “Good night, Dad. We’ll see you in the morning.”
I extend my hand. “Good night, Colin. Thank you for the wonderful dinner. I haven’t had a meal like that in forever. I appreciated the company the most.” It sounds like I’m sucking up, but I’m not. It was truly nice to be in the presence of a real family. I’ve never had that. Lainey never had that.
“You’re welcome, Julian. Good night, kids.” With a wink from him, we close the door, shutting Alexandra and I into the room that was hers as a child.
“I see you liked purple even then, Alexandra.”
She laughs. “Purple isn’t a like. It’s a state of being.”
I respond with a smile. “Good to know.”
“Are you tired? I could put on a movie or some music.”
“Music would be nice. I would like to talk for a while if you’re up for it.”
“You want to just talk, Julian?”
“Well, at least for now. I’d like to leave here with my balls intact.”
Her laugh turns into a cackle. “You’re that worried about my dad?”
“I am some, but after I tell you what I need to tell you, you might want them in a jar all on your own.”
“Ummm, okay. I think I should sit for this.”
I begin to pace. I don’t know how I’m going to find the words. “Alexandra, I’ve… done something. I wanted to tell you all week, but I didn’t want you to tell me not to come.”
“Should I be scared?”
No, but I am.
“No. I think angry, disappointed, and disgusted will be more the order of the day.”
“Julian, will you just tell me. Let me decide my own emotions. I hate being told how to feel.”
I face away from her. That’s the only way I’m going to get this out. “I thought there might be consequences for disappearing after Jekyll Island.”
She replies, “I remember.”
“They laid in wait, but I was right. They came from both my father and Quinn.” Before she can ask, I continue, “I was given the third degree all week by Quinn. I was able to beg her off with half-truths. I’ve become a master at it. It’s only when I’m at my weakest does she sense it and prey. Monday, during lunch break, I got a call from my father. I’d been avoiding his calls and texts successfully. The one I did answer so they would stop completely is the one I keep replaying over and over in my head. Lex, he threatened the whole show. He threatened to shut it down if I didn’t pay Quinn proper attention.”
I pick up a small pillow from the chair next to the window. “He threatened my family and, in turn, you. I was reeling from that when Quinn sunk her claws in. I know…” I take a hard swallow. “I know you think she and I are… that we… have sex. I swear that has only happened one time. It was a couple months after Lainey died. I was so drunk I didn’t know my own name, and I woke in the morning still connected to Quinn. After I escaped, I showered for an hour and was sick for three days.”
You’re rambling, asshole! Get to the point.
“I’m sorry. Back to Monday. The minute I got done with Father, she was standing in front of me. Making those types of demands again. She threatened in the same way as my father. I know what she’s capable of. Alexandra, I had to give in to her, or she would help incite my father’s wrath.”
“What demand did she make? What did you do, Julian?”
I close my eyes and speak the rest very quickly. “I was to have dinner with her, but she had other plans. She met me at the door in barely any clothes. She buys that I’m still hurting in certain ways physically from the accident. I’ve told her that things aren’t yet working. She decided to fix that problem via a battery-operated friend. She had me hold it…pretend it was me. The whole thing was fucking sick. Alexandra, I will leave on the red eye right now if you want me to.”
I remain facing away from her. I clutch that pillow across my chest. The silence in this room is louder than any conversation we’ve ever had. I set the pillow back down and reach for the handle on my suitcase I never opened. In the clusterfuck my brain is right now, I never heard her approach me from behind. She puts her hand over mine and pushes the bag back to the floor.
After she’s pried my fingers away, she turns me to face her. I can’t look into those perfect brown eyes. I think she senses it because she tilts my chin to make sure we are connected as she speaks.
“Julian, I am angry and hurt, but also honored.”
“What?! How is that possible?”
“I’m hurt that you were intimate with her in any way, but we will work through that. I’m angry that you were used and manipulated by not only Quinn but your father as well. And yes, I am honored. I am honored you trusted me enough to tell me the truth.”
Who is this amazing girl? She breaks my heart with the depth of her forgiveness, the beauty of her soul, and the belief she has in me.
“Julian, while I’d love to be with you tonight, I don’t think we should. One, because of your confession. It would be just too hard for you or for me right now. And two, my dad is down the hall, and it’s further than I’m willing to go. I hope you understand.”
I mirror her words. “You hope I understand?” I take Alexandra’s face in my hands. “Please, at least let me hold you. Please let me kiss you. Please allow me to wake in your arms. That’s all I need, ever.”
She turns her head and kisses my palm. “Yes, Julian. I need those things too.”
Mom was right. Maybe I will win.
I’VE BEEN TO dozens of weddings in my lifetime, at all different ages. I never understood their true power until today. Connor and David were finally able to stand in front of their families and friends and commit to love one another above all others for all time and space. I often had dreams of what my parents’ wedding would have been like. I’d looked at the pictures quite often. I remember my dad saying how nervous he was and how he couldn’t take his eyes off Mom. He said she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. It was the fantasy of the fairy tale for me. The bar that I always strived for, that I still hoped to strive for. Even after Hunter, I still wanted it. Maybe one day.
I feel the gentle squeeze of my hand. “Earth to Lex. Are you still with me?” Connor questions. “You know it’s not polite to ignore the groom whi
le we’re dancing.”
I smile at him. “I’m sorry. I was daydreaming. Well, night dreaming, as the case may be.”
“Something is wrong. Where’s your mind? You know Hunter isn’t coming. He never replied. That’s why I keep telling you you’re safe.”
I finally release the breath I’d been keeping in since we landed yesterday. “It’s being home, you know? My dad still doesn’t know. I can’t bear to tell him. It’s still just easier this way for now.”
“Easier for whom? It doesn’t seem so for you, Lex. And that tall drink of water you brought. Jesus! He’s an ounce of pure heaven. Don’t tell David I said that. I meant it in the most platonic of ways. Really, I did.”
I can’t help but relax and laugh a bit. “You have the worst sense of humor.” I rub noses with him. “I miss you in my life every day. You have no idea how happy I am for you and David. It makes me believe in love again.”
“Are you sure it’s not your date for the evening?” he questions.
“We’re…friends,” I lie. We are friends, lovers, confidantes, and I’m sure a thousand other labels we can’t describe.
“If I had a friend that looked at me like that, I’d be in trouble with my husband,” he jokes. “I think you need to do better than that, Alexandra.”
I close my eyes as Connor spins me. “All right, all right. I need to tell someone, and you need to keep it to yourself. Don’t make me break out the pinky swear.”
“Wow! This is serious. All right, you have the rest of Louis Armstrong to spill the details. Now spill!” he orders playfully.
“Julian and I are… I don’t know what we are, but I know what I feel. I know that I feel better when we are together instead of apart. I know there is so much more to him than what anyone sees, onscreen and off. I know he doesn’t make me afraid. He’s kind and gentle and….”
Connor breaks through my ramblings. “You’re in love with him.”
I stop dancing almost instantly. “Don’t say that. You can’t say that. It’s too complicated. Things need to be simple for both of us. Love would only complicate things.”