by L. Grubb
Sitting on a bar stool, feeding Amalie her bottle, I contemplate my next move. I love Alexis, I do, but this…I’ve never seen her acting so fucking childish. I’ve never seen her so full of contempt that she’s on the urge of breaking.
Having no clue what to do, I place Amalie’s bottle on the side breakfast bar and go get us ready for the day ahead.
“Hey,” Lauren chirps with a wide smile on her face, her eyes zoning on Amalie in her car seat by my feet. “Come in.”
She opens the door wide, ushering us in with busy hands. “She’s such a cutie pie.”
“Well, she is mine after all.” This makes Lauren chuckle, shaking her head so her lose, dirty, blonde curls shift from side to side.
“You incorrigible. Are all you you guys like that. Champ’s the worst for it, trust me.” She leads us into her lounge, taking a seat on the edge of her cream couch. “Bring her here. I need cuddles with my niece.”
I pass her the car seat and shake out my arm. Damn, Amalie maybe small but in that car seat she weighs a fucking tonne. “I can’t stay, I have to get to Church. All her things are in the changing bag.” I place the overloaded bag by the armchair. “Bottles, nappies, wipes, everything is in there. If you have a problem call my cell.”
“Hey, don’t sweat it, this little babe is fine with me.” Lauren coos at Amalie as my spine stiffens. Lauren not saying Amalie’s name reminds me of Alexis’ internal struggle with…whatever the fuck it is that’s preventing her from uttering our baby’s name.
Leaving Lauren to it, I walk to the front door and shout over my shoulder, “I’ll call before I leave the clubhouse!”
Shutting the door behind me, I jump back in my 4x4 truck and speed off toward the clubhouse, ten minutes through LA Boulevard and into the open. Fuck, I wish I had my bike. The air rushing around me is just what I need right now to clear my head. Being in this truck is causing all sorts of shit to sift through my mind.
I’ve been awake for about twenty minutes, just laying here staring the white tiles on the ceiling. Having no motivation to move, I just lay there, as still as a statue, thinking about shit that I don’t want to think about.
Not hearing the scream of a baby should worry me right? Wrong. I feel fucking relieved that I don’t have to deal with anything today. Guilt niggles at the corners of my brain but a shrug it off. It’s not like anyone gives a shit is it?
My life was amazing…I had an amazing man, fantastic friends and I had a baby, but I still have no idea why I don’t feel anything towards the little bundle I brought into the world and it’s killing me. What’s killing me more is the fact that I’ve betrayed Cobra’s trust and love, and he’s now not even speaking to me. That’s what fucking hurts the most.
Once again, I can feel the tears leaking into my hairline as I lay there, still as stone but I don’t make any move to erase them from my face. I’m not ashamed of my tears, I’m ashamed at life, at Cobra, and myself for feeling this way.
Fuck today. It can go to hell. I vaguely remember the state I left in the kitchen but I don’t give a crap; it can stay there for all I care. Shower is out of the question, I don’t have anything or anybody to impress any more. There’s no point making myself look good when I don’t feel good on the inside. Screw everyone and everything. I’m not strong enough to fight these emotions, I’m not strong enough to fight for a stable mind.
Turning on my side, I glance out the window at our beautiful garden, the serenity makes me catch my breath but other than that, nothing. No feelings what so ever.
Crying harder than I have ever cried before, I squeeze my eyes shut and embrace Cobra’s pillow closer. Curling into a tight ball, knees up to my chest, I drift into a crying induced sleep, a void where nothing lives and no dreams await. A dark sleep that excludes anything in my life that I love or have loved, no vivid pictures invade my mind. Nothingness. If only this was permanent.
All through Church, I couldn’t focus on what Prez was saying – much less give a fuck – something about a gun run and the various strip clubs we own. All I can think about is Alexis, her erratic behavior and the outburst yesterday evening has etched a permanent tattoo on my brain. Her words swirl around on a loop like a vicious hawk stalking its prey, ready to attack.
“Cobra?” The mist behind my eyes clear at the mention of my name. My eyes land on a concerned Champ and I give him an imperceptible shake of my head, mouthing, ‘later’ to him.
“Something you want to share, Cobra?” Prez bellows from my left side, making me wince. “You’ve been unusually quiet the whole time we’ve been in here and you’re depressing the shit out of all the fuckers at this table.”
“Nothing that concerns the club. It’s personal, Prez. Are we done here?” I chew my bottom lip, not making eye contact with everyone but feeling everyone’s stare.
“Yes, but you stay behind.” His words are spoken on a warning. A warning for what, I have no clue. I just shrug my shoulders in response and rub a hand across the stubble on my jaw.
The scrape of the chairs moving grates on my nerves and I clench my jaw and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block it out. Their low murmurs piss me off even more, hearing my name mentioned multiple times.
“Something to say, fuckers?” My eyes land on each of them in turn but they all remain silent. Good choice.
Their feet pound on the hardwood floor as they exit the room, leaving me there with an angry looking Prez. “Be out with it then, old man, don’t prolong the inevitable.”
“Cobra,” he starts. “I understand that you’ve just had a baby which is why I’m not going to discipline your ruddiness this time. When in Church, I need you completely involved, aware, and as VP, I also ask for you input once in a while too. Usually, you don’t need to be told but it seems today you’re a little… off color, so to speak. Being in your own mind won’t keep you safe. What we discuss in here can be matter of life and death and where would that leave your daughter?”
“How do you know what it’s like to be a father? You don’t even have children,” I bark at him. My eyes widen and I clamp my mouth shut. I didn’t mean to say that and the sorrowful look on his face makes guilt spread through my body. “I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry.”
“Actually, I do know what it’s like to be a father. I have, had, a daughter myself.” The crease between his brows and the faraway look in his eyes tells me he’s remembering shit from his past. A past none of us really know about. “She died when she was six. Leukaemia. So, I do know what it’s like and I know the first few weeks are extremely difficult due to lack of sleep, but that shouldn’t affect how you are at work.” He blows out a breath before reaching for his cigarettes that sit on the glass surface of the Church’s table.
After lighting the one he offers me, I wait for him to take his first drag before saying, “I had no idea. I’m so sorry, Prez.”
“You and me both, boy. I didn’t tell you for pity, I told because I sympathize with you and giving you a reason why I am not going to throw my weight around just because you’re tired.” He gives me a weak smile, patting my shoulder.
“I’m not tired, Prez. Being tired isn’t in my nature, I can work through a day on two hours sleep. It’s Alexis that’s distracting me.” Hanging my head, I rest it on my fisted hands. “She’s not acting herself, she’s not normal. Last night, she snapped at me and Amalie because she was screaming for her bottle. She won’t even say our baby’s name.”
“Oh dear. Two minutes, son, wait here and don’t move.” Prez stands and takes long strides to the double doors leading out of Church and back to the main club room.
The ticking of the clock on the wall makes time go painstakingly slow. I sit, tapping my fingers against the glass, lost in thought when the door opens wide and Kristine struts on in. My eyes widen in surprise. No woman is ever allowed in the Church room but Prez is hot on her heels and laughs at my surprised expression. “I’ll give you time to explain to her what you did me. She may be able to help.” He turns an
d walks out shutting the door, loudly, behind him.
Kristina takes a seat opposite me, staring at me while worrying her bottom lip. “What’s going on, Cobra?”
“Alexis…” I trail off, debating the words in my head. Deciding on just letting it all out, I explain everything that’s happened since Amalie was born a matter of days ago.
“Oh, man, that sounds incredibly awful.” Shaking her head from side to side, she continues, “It sounds like the same behavior I had once I’d had Revekka. I felt like shit all the time, didn’t have any motivation and was insanely jealous of her relationship with Prez. It was irrational and I was out of control.” A solemn look crosses her face as she remember the little girl she once had that was cruelly ripped from her grasp.
In spite of that, I perked up in my seat, recognising those signs as the same as Alexis. “Your experience sounds just like Alexis.”
“Prez dragged my ass to the doc on the other side of town. He diagnosed me with post-natal depression. Everything clicked into place then. I was prescribed medication, I can’t remember the kind it was now, but it helped. I was on them from three months until I was stable enough to come off them.” Her eyes meet mine, the hardened shells protecting her bright green eyes, shimmer off the lighting in the room. “She needs helps and she needs it as soon as possible. I looked up post-natal depression as soon as I back home and it can get serious to the point of…she just needs help, Cobra and you need to get her to a doctor immediately.”
She doesn’t need to tell me twice. Scraping back my chair, I walk around the table and pull Kristine into a tight hug, thanking her repeatedly.
“Hands off my wife, Cobra.” I pull back and see Prez over her shoulder, a warm smile on his face betraying the seriousness in his tone.
I flee from the room, racing through the main room and out the front doors. “Hey! Cobra, where are you going?” Champ halts me. “What’s the hurry?”
“Alexis…” I leave it at that as I push away from him and carry on toward my glistening bike.
The sun beats down on me, covering me in a sheen of sweat but I ignore the heat, I ignore everything in my quest to get to Alexis. She needs me and I’ve been a complete dick when she needed me the most. Fuck.
I woke up disorientated, yet my emotions had turned numb. I didn’t have one thought floating through my brain. I didn’t know whether that was blessing or a warning that something about me just isn’t right.
As I walk into my en-suite, a wave of emotion floods me, making my knees buckle. So much for the numbness. The pain of hatred and guilt burns through my system, yet no tears fall but I can feel the burning behind my eyes, the lump in my throat; a tell-tale sign of oncoming floods of tears. But they still don’t come.
Confused, I relive myself before looking at my reflection in the mirror. The dark circles under my eyes make me wince and my pale skin looks uncared for, giving off the impression that I’m sick. I’m not sick, just confused about my life, about the baby and Cobra too.
Remembering the note that he left me, I have to hold myself against the bathroom basin to keep from collapsing to the ground. The pain that clamps around my heart intensifies and I rub circles around my chest, trying to relieve the agonizing pain. It doesn’t go and I whimper to myself.
I don’t want the baby, I just want my Dominic back. My badass biker, lover and soon to be husband. But I can’t have that can I? I can’t have him if I don’t accept the baby I brought into this world because he loves her more than me, I know he does. Seeing it in his eyes last night and the note he left proves to me, in my mind, that he doesn’t want me anymore. I’m definitely not enough for him.
My eyes trail to the medicine cabinet, the rush of blood flows through my ears at the disgruntled voice telling me to do it, to end the misery for myself and for Dominic. It’s selfish, but I’m making everyone miserable. I don’t want to share what I have with my man with a baby that’s only a few days old. I wish I never got pregnant.
Rummaging around in the medicine cabinet, my hand lands on a small bottle hidden at the back. Bringing it forward, I read the label; ‘Oxycontin’. There’s only about five tiny pills left, but that should do it right? I mean, it says on the label to be careful, only take one for pain if necessary. Fuck it, it’s worth a try, will save everyone the bother of putting up with my shit.
Filling a glass up with water from the tap, I empty the pills in my hand. Saying a quick prayer for my death to be quick, I throw my head back as my hand comes to my mouth.
Swallowing them all down with gulps of water, my mind frees, knowing this is the end for me. Peacefulness sweeps over my body, and my heart rate returns to normal for the first time in a few days.
Exiting the bathroom, and feeling slightly wobbly on my legs, I collapse onto my bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering how long it will take for these pills to kick in. I just want this pain to go, the aching to stop. Is that too much to ask? I wish I knew what was wrong with me, but the stubbornness inside me stops me from seeking outside help. Cobra isn’t talking to me, so the idea of speaking with him about my feelings is a no go.
I’m not sure how much time passes, the tick-tock of the clock calms me. Dizziness is making the room spin and my stomach is churning. Pain rips through my stomach and I can’t focus. It’s not long before the black spots to appear in my sight. Soon, darkness takes over and I’m thrown into a fitful slumber.
Fucking traffic is everywhere today and it’s frustrating the shit out of me. I need to get to Alexis. Having no idea how unstable she really is makes the guilt of leaving her that note all the more painful. Why the fuck didn’t I realise? Why did I have to just assume she was being a total bitch? There’s just no telling how far gone in her depression she is.
Various images of Alexis fly through my mind as I wait, impatiently, at a red light. Glancing at my right wing mirror, I notice champ behind me. My heart soars knowing my best friend has my back. He knows there’s something wrong with the way I high tailed it out of the clubhouse.
Revving the engine, making the loud growl of the bike to reverberate through the air, I push forward as the light turns green. Speeding in and out of traffic is dangerous, but she needs me now more than ever. I can’t turn my back on her, even after the behavior she’s shown over the past few days, least now I know why she’s acting like an unstable woman.
Turning down our street, I push the bike a little faster, making the last thirty seconds to the house quicker. Pulling up onto our front lawn, I kick out the kickstand on the bike and jump off quickly, almost losing my footing in my rush to get to the door; Champ is right on my heels.
“ALEXIS!” I shout as I enter the small house we own. “Where the fuck are you? Alexis!” I run from room to room on the ground level, but there’s no sign of her, not even a slither of sound.
I take the stairs two at a time, my heart pounding wildly in my chest. I call out her name again when I reach the top, still, I get no response. God damn it, Alexis.
Opening the door to our bedroom, and stumbling over my own two feet, I see Alexis sprawled out on the bed, white foamy gunk trickling from the side of her mouth. Oh no, what has she done?
“Alexis? Wake up, sweetheart. Please, wake up!” I shake her but get no response. “Please, baby.”
Checking her pulse, my fingers to her neck, I feel nothing. No, no, no, fucking God dammit, woman! Remembering my first aid training from my prospect days, I immediately start CPR just as Champ comes flying into the room, breathing heavily. “Oh shit.”
“Call an ambulance, Champ.” My panic is evidenced in my face and I turn my head over my shoulder to see Champ stood in the doorway with eyes wide open and a hand to his mouth. “NOW!” He scampers into the hallway while fishing in his pocket for his cell. I hear his muffled voice as he speaks to the emergency services. His panic making me panic ten times more. “Come one, sweetheart.”
After some compressions, I bend my ear to her mouth, listening for any sign of breathing and to see
if her chest is moving. Nothing. Giving her mouth to mouth, I don’t relish in my lips being on her cracked ones, not the way I’m used to. I need to save her. I can’t lose the one person in my life that grounds me.
“Dammit, come one!” More compressions, more mouth to mouth and sweat slides down my face from exertion, my pounding heart is threatening to come out of my chest. I don’t give up, I’ll never give up on her. Tears prickles at the corners of my eyes but I hold them in. It’s one thing to be pussy-whipped, but to be a crying biker? I don’t think so.
“Cobra? Stop, man, the paramedic crew is here.” Champ lays a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Come on, dude, stop, and let them take over.” He clamps his arms under mine and hauls me off Alexis. The paramedic guys swarm in, taking over CPR and setting her up on an IV.
Standing there and watching everything unfold makes me feel helpless. How could I not have spotted the signs? The note. That was the icing on top of a nasty cake for her. My guilt multiplies and I feel the bile rising in my throat. Running into the adjoining bathroom, I hunch of the toilet and empty my stomach, the bile burning my throat on its way up. After the last few dry heaves, I rest my forehead on the rim of the toilet and take a few deep breaths.
“You okay, man?” Champ is stood by the door, half in and half out of the bathroom, one eye trained on Alexis. “They have a faint pulse. They’re ready to move her. You going with her?”
“Y-yeah.” Coughing, I reach for the glass by the sink. Filling it to the top, I down it in one, the coolness soothing my sore throat. “Okay, I’m ready.”
I pace up and down the waiting room, biting my nails with nerves. The watered down yellow walls and beige carpet makes the room seem welcoming, the painting of flowers and trees scattered on the walls makes the place seem livelier. But none of the things calm me, nothing will calm me until I know Alexis will be okay.