by L. Grubb
A frustrated groan escapes me as he turns away from me. I can see him squeezing his dick to relieve the pressure and it makes my ego soar and my heart to flutter. I laugh, bringing the sheets back up to cover my body.
“You’re incorrigible, Alexis,” he exclaims, shaking his head from side to side.
“Takes one to know one, baby.” He laughs as he opens his top drawer and pulls out a pair of black boxers, slipping them on and throwing the towel at my face. “Hey!”
I removed the towel from my face as he’s pulling on his jeans and shirt. My face falls, a small pout on my lips. I prefer him with no clothes on.
“Don’t look like that, it’s already going to be the longest six weeks of my life, sweetheart.” Shaking his head, he walks over to me as he shrugs on his cut. “I need to head out. I’ll see you in a few hours, okay? I’ll be back as soon as I possibly can.” He bends at the waist and gives me a lingering kiss. A small moan escapes my mouth before I can control it. Damn him!
Laughing, he straightens up before giving a loving look at the baby in her bassinette. Jealously courses through my veins at the look he’s giving her. I rein it in, unsure why I’m feeling this way. “See ya later, alligator.”
After beaming a megawatt smile at me, he’s out the door, leaving me and the bubba alone.
Biting my nails nervously, I decide to take a brief shower before she wakes up. I climb out the bed, my joints protesting at being used after sleeping for so long but I plod along to the bathroom.
Three hours I’ve been alone with our new baby and I’ve just given her a bottle. Winding her seemed to take forever and then she still cried. I didn’t have a clue what to do and it was frustrating me to no end. What’s wrong with her?
I rock her gently, singing some song that popped into my head, I think it’s Adele, but I can’t remember, I heard it on the radio before I went into labor and it’s been stuck in my head ever since.
Soon enough, she’s back to sleeping and I place her back in her bassinette, unwilling to hold her much longer. Unsure with what to do with myself, I turn on the TV, turning the sound down. I can relax at long last.
My thoughts are going wild in my head and I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I can’t seem to get close to the baby me and Cobra created together, I can’t get around the fact that I don’t have Cobra to myself anymore. Fuck, I sound so selfish. Of course he’s going to love her, she’s his daughter. I’d be worried if he didn’t. So why am I thinking like such a bitch?
I feel the tears streaming down my face, not even realising that I was crying. Crying over what? For goodness sake, Alexis, get it together.
Curling up on the couch, I let all my emotions out. Maybe I’ll feel better after a good cry. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel normal enough to be able to say our baby’s name, to cuddle her with warmth in my heart. At the moment, I feel nothing but regret and shame. I feel half empty when I should feel like I’ve captured all the stars in the sky. But I don’t, and I don’t understand why.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been out but the shrilling cry of the baby wakes me from my crying induced nap. Letting out a loud groan, I sit up and rub my puffy, sore eyes. Looking down, bubba’s face is bright shade of pink and tears roll down the sides of her face and into her dark brown hair.
“Shh, shh, come on now, little one.” I lift her into my arms and rock her from side to side again. It worked before. “What’s wrong with you now?”
The shocking smell of poop fills the air and I hold my breath, scrunching up my nose. “That’s just gross, little one.”
Strolling over the changing mat, next to the shelves filled with nappies and wipes. I make quick work of changing her, the smell is revolting and makes me gag a few times. I do up her baby grow and all in one suit before lifting her again. This time, she’s silent and chewing on her little fist. “Hungry too? Gee, you don’t want much now do you.”
Okay, so holding an eight pound baby and mixing a bottle is harder than it looks. Juggling two major things at once is messy. Little one is screaming in my ear and baby formula and water is going everywhere.
After quite a while, I finally have the bottle ready and go sit on the couch, situating bubba in the crook of my arm and placing the teat to her greedy mouth. Her enthusiastic sucking of the bottle makes me chuckle as a little dribble lines goes down her cheek. Wiping it away with a baby wipe, I sit there, like a rock and stare into space. Fuck knows how long I sit there but I hear the front door close and I jump slightly, bringing me back to the here and now.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Cobra’s gruff voice calls out from the entryway. “I’m home.”
“I gathered that,” I whisper under my breath, shaking my head from side to side. Cobra has a knack for stating the obvious and it irritates the shit out of me.
The next thing I know, he’s standing in front of me, hands on hips and a deep frown on his face. “What’s wrong?”
“What do you mean? I’m fine,” I snap, narrowing my eyes at him. His eyes narrow and his jaw twitches, glaring at me from the doorway.
“Do not disrespect me, Alexis. I won’t stand for it. I know there’s something wrong, I’m not stupid. I just wish you trusted me enough to tell me.” He shakes his head, turning on his heel to leave, and ultimately, turning away from me.
I didn’t mean to disrespect him, I never would. I don’t know what’s come over me and I don’t want to voice my emotions to him. What if he throws me out? What if he refuses to be with me because I have issues? No, I won’t tell him. I can’t tell him. For the sake of our relationship, I have to keep this bottled inside of me.
Bubba starts screaming, loud enough to wake the neighborhood. I sigh, this is my life now, a life with a screaming kid and no time for anything else. What the fuck is wrong me? Why can’t I bond with the baby I gave birth to? Why can’t I say her name, or pick her up, cuddling her close while I profess my undying love to her?
Silent tears roll down my face as I pick her up and rock her gently. It takes every ounce of will-power not to shout and scream for her to be quiet. Being a good sport, I grit my teeth against the shrilling screech coming from the small baby in my arms.
“Everything okay?” Cobra asks as he saunters into the room wearing lose fitted jeans and no shirt. My mouth waters as I stare at his abs, his muscles contracting with each step he takes. Seeing him will never get old. Six weeks is a long God damn time to wait.
“I don’t know, she just woke up screaming.” I shrug. I read somewhere, while I was pregnant, that mothers have instincts and should know when something is wrong with their baby, but I have nothing. Not a single clue and this makes me feel even shittier about the situation.
“Pass her here, let me try and calm her down.” I pass her to him. He coo’s softly as he brings her to his chest, patting her back lightly.
Ten minutes of headache inducing screaming later, a loud belch fills the air. I scrunch my nose up and grimace. The silence in the room after makes my shoulders slump in relief. Thank God for that.
I need something to distract me, something to take me away from the situation before I lose my cool. Getting up off the couch, I make my way to the kitchen. Dinner, I’ll make dinner.
Since we’ve moved in here, I’ve learned a lot about cooking. I now thank my lucky stars, the ones that I do have, that I can now cook pretty much anything. Coq Au Vin sounds like a plan, it will take a while and will keep me away from the baby.
Seriously, what the fuck is Alexis’ problem? Her attitude is really starting to grate on me. The distance I feel between us is unbearable and I have no idea how to help her. She won’t talk to me and that in itself fucking hurts like hell.
I look down at our beautiful daughter who’s staring back at me. I can see the love shine through her eyes as she searches my face. How can Alexis be so cold towards Amalie? I saw the way she sat on the couch, hunched over and grinding her teeth, the vein on the side of her head pumping. She was angry… at what? Amalie?
I don’t understand what’s changed. During the pregnancy, she was so excited about having a baby, she would chew my ear off about everything and anything to do with Amalie. We didn’t find out the sex, wanted it to be a surprise she said. Is she angry because she had a girl and not a boy? No, that just doesn’t make sense. When Amalie was born, she was ecstatic, love shone in her eyes and her smile beamed from her face. What’s changed? I’m fucking helpless and that makes me feel like crap.
Amalie starts clucking her tongue on the roof of her mouth just before her little face scrunches up and she lets out an almighty wail. “Well, you must be hungry, kiddo. Let’s go make you a bottle shall we?”
Getting up of the couch with Amalie cradled safely in my arms, I go to the kitchen to prepare her bottle.
“Can you please shut her up? I have a nasty headache due to her last outburst,” Alexis huffs out from the kitchen counter where she’s chopping vegetables.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Alexis? I’m getting damn tired of asking you and you talking about OUR daughter like shit!” I shout, causing Amalie to screech louder. “It’s okay, baby girl. She doesn’t mean it.”
“Don’t I?” Alexis’ voice sounds so cold that I don’t even respond. I take a few deep breaths, reigning in my temper and go about making Amalie’s bottle quickly.
“Your behavior towards Amalie is disgraceful. I won’t have you speaking to or about her like that. I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know now that I can’t trust you to look after her on your own.” After saying this, I leave the room and back to the den where I plant my ass back on the couch and bring Amalie’s bottle to her lips. So much for not acting out. I sigh loudly and take a few deep breaths.
Shuffling slightly, I reach into my jeans pocket and retrieve my cell, hoping like hell the person I call can help me out.
After three rings they answer, “Hey, Cobra, what’s up?”
“Lauren, I need to ask a massive favor,” I say, sighing dramatically.
“Is everything alright? You sounds a bit…I don’t know, off?” Lauren asks, concern lacing her voice.
“No, not really. I can’t take time away from the clubhouse every day and I need someone to look after Amalie while I’m not at home.” I chose my words carefully, I really don’t want to alert her of an issue but I guess even with that statement she’ll guess there’s something wrong with Alexis.
“Why can’t Alexis have her? She’s her mom after all. What the hell is going on, Cobra?” she practically shouts at me down the phone and I wince.
“She’s not acting herself, I have no idea what the fuck is wrong but I don’t trust her to look after Amalie properly on her own,” I growl down the phone. This whole situation is completely fucked up, this is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives yet Alexis is making me miserable as shit.
“Okay…that’s a bit vague. Sure, I’ll have her. Do you want me to come there or Amalie to come here?” she asks.
“Yours would be best. Thanks, Lauren. I owe you.” I end the call and throw the cell on the cushion of the couch next to me.
Glancing down and noticing Amalie as gobbled all her milk down, I quickly wind her before placing her in her bassinette.
Lifting the thing is hard work, it’s heavy and it’s not Amalie that makes it heavy, we ordered one that was made of sturdy oak but didn’t take into account of how heavy it would be.
I carry her upstairs and place her on the rocking stand. Needing a shower, I go to the en-suite and leave the door open in case she needs me, knowing Alexis won’t attend to her.
Under the hot spray, my thoughts go wild about what could be going on in Alexis’ head. Nothing makes sense, none of my thoughts do and it’s fucking frustrating me. The water does nothing to relax my tense muscles and I sigh, clean up and turn the shower off before retrieving the towel on the hook next to the stall.
Checking on Amalie quickly, I hurriedly get dressed in soft jogging shorts and write a brief note for Alexis before grabbing the bassinette and walking quickly to the spare bedroom at the end of the hall. I’m so damn glad now that we put a bed in there, it was going to be an office of some sort but I won the argument of a spare room. God, I remember the argument we had over it like it was yesterday. We didn’t need an office of any sort but she was stubbornly persistent with what she wanted. I won after four days of abstaining from sex and been given the silent treatment. She couldn’t handle the no sex or me ignoring her and threw her hands in the air in surrender before jumping me right there in the kitchen.
Shaking my head, I place Amalie down beside the bed and climb under the cool sheets of the unused bed. The mattress is hard, compared to mine and Alexis’ soft, bouncy one and the pillows are stiff still from being unused. But a bed’s a bed and this will have to do.
My fingers grip the edge of the kitchen worktop, eyes squeezed shut as I rein in my rage. Guilt wraps me in its embrace as what just happened sinks in. Fuck. What is wrong me? I’m sick of asking myself the same question and I’m sick of Dom asking me too. The way I just spoke about our baby was unforgiveable and uncalled for but I just couldn’t hold in my frustration with her constant crying any longer.
I feel the tears slip from my eyes and make a trail down my cheeks. I don’t deserve to cry or wallow in self-pity, not when I know I’m the bad guy here.
I remember, weeks before I had bubba, that I was excited to meet our little baby, so freakin excited. Having no idea what’s changed since then frustrates and infuriates me. Do I need help? No, I think I just need rest, sleep, whatever. I just need some time to adjust to the idea of not having Dom to myself any more. Selfish. I’m full blown fucking selfish. This isn’t me, I’m not this person. It’s like I’ve been possessed, an out of body experience or something.
I heard Dominic on the phone to Lauren while I was preparing dinner, which looks like it’s just for me now, his concern laced his words as he asked her to take care of the baby while he wasn’t home. That fucking hurts. He doesn’t trust me to take care of her, hell, I can’t even blame him because I don’t even trust myself.
Screw dinner, my appetite is gone. I chuck all the prepped food in the bin under the kitchen basin, not even trying to be quiet.
I leave the kitchen in disarray, telling myself I’ll clean it tomorrow. It’s not like I have to contend with the screaming kid is it? I wince at my own thoughts, when did I become such a bitch? Before her I was docile and content, happy with my life. Now? I feel like a monster, waiting to be unleashed and my rage is consuming me, battling for freedom. I can’t let that happen, Dominic already hates me and I don’t blame him, I’m starting to hate myself.
Turning on my heel, I direct myself to the stairs and up to our bedroom. The door is stood wide open and I frown, usually when Dom comes to bed before me, the door is firmly shut.
I stand in the doorway, staring at the bed. He’s not there. No tell-tale lump to show he’s beneath the sheets, no movements to tell me there’s breathing…and no sound that usually escapes his mouth when he’s sleeping. My shoulders slump as I see the note that’s carefully place on my pillow, there was no need to write my name but it’s there in big bold letters.
Tentatively, I pick up the folded piece of paper and take a deep breath before unfolding it and reading out loud;
Alexis,
I refuse to share a bed with someone that would treat a baby the way you have this evening. I don’t even think I can look at you right now either.
Amalie will be out of your care from tomorrow, if I’m not home that is. I’m sorry, Alexis, but your behavior disgusts me. I love you, I really do but I can’t let Amalie be around you.
> Dom.
Silent tears fall as I let the note slip through my fingers. The pain in my chest causes my breathing to become choppy, the tightness makes me double over and I clutch my chest, struggling to catch my breath. He really does hate me. Even the bullshit he wrote about loving me…I can’t believe that after what else he has written.
I sink to my knees by the side of the bed and bury my face in my arms on the bed, uncontrollable sobs wrench from my body, soaking the red satin sheets. This pain, the rage, everything is bubbling inside of me and I can feel it wanting to break free but I can’t hurt this family more than I already have.
Taking a few deep, calming breaths, I heave myself from the floor and collapse on the bed, pulling Dominic’s pillow close and smelling his scent that’s left lingering on the pillow case. A calmness washes over me and my eyes slide shut, welcoming the darkness that sleep provides me.
The distant scream of Amalie filters through my brain and I swear I’m dreaming, though the more I concentrate, the louder the scream. Finally, I succumb to my eyes wanting to open and realising I’m in a strange room disorientates me a little…not sure why considering Amalie had me up every three hours.
I rub the sleep from my eyes and peer over the bed at my beautiful princess, red faced and screaming, it makes me chuckle.
Heaving myself out of bed, I pick her up carefully and hold her close to my chest. “Let’s go make your bottle, change your ass and get you to Aunt Lauren’s house, shall we?”
As I pass mine and Alexis’ bedroom door, something squeezes in my chest and guilt claws its way over my skin. The note was harsh, maybe too fucking harsh but I couldn’t let it slide, I need to get my priorities right and that means Amalie will always come first.
Shaking my head, I carry on down the hallway with bare feet, padding along quietly as Amalie whimpers into my shoulder.