Tired Of Surviving

by Naomi Amanda

  When they finally looked up to notice that we were on the field, Laura stood up and slipped onto one of the chairs. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Logan who watched me with an amused expression.

  I took my seat in the middle and Marika sat next to me, her eyes scanning the line of girls. I followed her gaze to see a petite girl with short, caramel blonde hair that brushed her shoulders as she shifted weight from one foot to the other. Her bright green eyes sparkled with excitement as she noticed us so I picked up the list of names and started the tryouts.

  Twenty minutes later, I was only done with half of the list and none of them had done as well as I had hoped. I told all of them that I’d let them know if they had made it or not by tomorrow but who was I kidding? They hadn’t made it.

  Then a girl with handmade pompoms jumped up front and I thought ‘Finally! Someone with the energy I expected’.

  “Hi!” she chirped in a high pitched voice. “I’m Maggie. I’m a freshman-”

  “Please start when you’re ready,” I cut her off, tired and impatient; especially because I knew I was going to be in for it for being home late.

  She nodded, her smile faltering for a second and I could feel Logan’s stare in my back, as if I had just kicked a puppy or something.

  “They got our ball, we want it back,” she sang, jumping from left to right and I felt the strong urge to slap a palm against my forehead. I was obviously a horrible judge of character. “They got our ball, we want it back.”

  I turned around to give Logan a look but he had his hand over his mouth, fighting against the chuckle that was probably making its way up his throat.

  “They got our ball, we want it back,” Laura mocked, imitating Maggie. “We get it, Hannah Montana. Is that all you got?”

  I was a little shocked, not that Laura had mocked someone because she was a pro at that but because I hadn’t gotten around to doing it first. And by the look on Logan’s face, so was he.

  “I’m sorry but if this tryout is a joke to you, you’re barking up the wrong tree,” I told her calmly. “We’re not playing games here. We have the homecoming game in two weeks and we have to pick girls who are actually going to be on the varsity team.”

  “I-I-” she stammered, the tips of her ears turning red and tears welling up in her eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” Marika jumped in, being the nice one out of the three of us. “But maybe you can try again next year?”

  She nodded, turned around and rushed off the field, toward the locker rooms.

  “Well, that was hilarious.” Laura’s laugh bubbled over. “But you could have been a little nicer.”

  “I didn’t yell at her,” I pointed out.

  “But you were harsh,” she retorted and I frowned at her. “What’s got you so grumpy?”

  “You already know.” I shot her a look, my eyes darting from Logan to her. “I’m going to get into so much trouble if people start talking about him and me.”

  “Babe, this is high school and everyone talks about everyone,” she told me as the next girl stepped forward. “You can’t stay away from someone just because Cruella tells you to, especially when he’s in all your classes. Your friendship with him has nothing to do with how his father is going to vote for yours. I mean, you’ve got to start living, okay?”

  I opened my mouth and then closed it. She had no idea how much I wanted to start living. Staying in that house with Susan felt like a prison. A prison where I couldn’t even get three square meals a day without being glared at. A prison where I couldn’t even get a moment of fresh air. And even prisoners were allowed to make friends, right?

  Marika had been right about Ava. She definitely was the best out of all the girls who had tried out. She got a definite yes after her routine of splits, jumps and stunts with a pretty decent cheer she made up and her sexy dance moves.

  “I told you she was awesome.” Marika grinned and I stared at her.

  I wondered whether there was more to them than junior and senior. Did she already know Ava?

  We ended up picking four new girls for the homecoming game routine, including Ava. Marika rushed over to talk to her as soon as the tryouts were done with.

  “Am I missing something here?” Laura asked, eyeing them and I shrugged. “Do they know each other?”

  “Looks like it,” I answered as they made their way toward us.

  “Okay, so I didn’t want you guys to be impartial towards her or anything so I kept quiet.” Marika looked like she was trying to contain her happiness. “But this is Ava-” She held a hand out and Ava gave us a shy wave. “We met at a dance workshop during the summer and I found out that she was joining our school.”

  “Hey, Ava.” Logan appeared behind us, putting his arm around me and Laura which I wiggled out from under. “I’m Logan.”

  “So, I guess we’re taking our new girls for some pizza,” Laura announced and the other three girls hooted and whistled. “Come on, buttercup.”

  “I can’t,” I told her, giving her the look that was meant to remind her about Susan who was going to kill me since it was already dark outside and I wasn’t home yet. “And you can’t because I came to school in your car and you need to drive me home.”

  “Can’t you just call and tell-” Marika started but I shook my head.

  “I can drop you home,” Logan offered and I stepped away, shaking my head.

  If Susan saw me get out of Logan’s car – because she would be watching for me from the living room window – I would never hear or see the end of it.

  “No, its fine,” I said quickly, registering the disappointed looks on the new girls’ faces. “I’m just going to walk or something.”

  “Okay, okay, I’ll take you home,” Laura said quickly and I instantly felt bad for ruining their evening. “You guys go ahead and I’ll drop her and meet you guys at the pizza place.”

  Marika nodded, linking her arm with Ava and leading the other girls off the field.

  “I can take you home, you know?” Logan said as we walked back into the school building. “It’s no big deal. It’s not a bother-”

  “It’s a bother for me,” I cut him off and hurt crossed his face, making me feel guilty instantly.

  “Wow, you were way nicer when we were kids,” he joked. “You’ve really changed-”

  “No shit.” I rolled my eyes. “I didn’t think any of us would have changed since we were eight years old. Did you, Laura?”

  Laura cupped a hand over her smile, holding back her laugher. “I’m bringing pop-corn next time you guys are in the same room.”

  I narrowed my eyes into slits to glare at her and she laughed again, shaking her head. I obviously wasn’t as intimidating as I wanted to be.

  “Well, I don’t intend on being in the same room-”

  “Are you going to change all your classes?” he asked, trying to sound sympathetic. “That’s going to be a pain in your rear end. I’d much rather you ignore me during class like you did today.”

  I tried my best to conceal my smile at his use of ‘rear end’ as if saying ‘a pain in the ass’ was swearing or something. I took a deep breath and looked at him as we neared the parking lot.

  “I’d rather not have someone staring holes into me through all my classes,” I told him, offering him a fake apologetic look.

  “Oh, did that bother you?” he asked, chuckling. “I just couldn’t wrap my head around how beautiful you are.”

  I felt my face flush several shades of pink so I huffed, stalking toward Laura’s Audi. I could almost feel the excitement mixed with shock radiating off of Laura at his comment.

  “Normal girls would accept the compliment gracefully and say thank you,” Logan said in a light tone, probably smiling one of his cute dimply smiles.

  “She’s not normal.” Laura laughed, unlocking her car with a press of a button. “Get in, Cinderella. Your chariot awaits.”

  “And the evil step-monster, too,” I said way too loudly, mentally slapping myself as I quickl
y got into the car, hoping Logan hadn’t heard.

  I was talking too freely in front of him. Was it because somehow, even though I didn’t remember much about my childhood, I did remember him?

  “I think you’re making a mistake,” Laura said as she drove me back home.

  “Excuse me?” I asked, partly because I wasn’t sure what she had said and partly because I wasn’t sure what she had meant.

  “You avoiding Logan and pushing him away,” she continued. “I think it’s stupid because Susan’s just looking for more ways to take over your life and you’re letting her.”

  “It’s more complicated than that,” I told her quickly, hoping she wouldn’t continue prodding.

  “Then explain it to me so I can understand,” she said, sounding exasperated. “Because I could see that he likes you from the moment you guys looked at each other.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” I let out a bark of laughter. “I’ve seen him only twice since he moved here and I don’t even remember much about him from before.”

  “But he does,” she pointed out. “And you know me. I’m good at figuring these things out and I saw the way he looked at you, like it’s always been you.”

  “You have got to be joking.” Now I was full on laughing until I had tears in my eyes. “You’re trying to tell me that he liked me since we were kids and his feelings didn’t change for nine years? What is this? A cliché teen fiction novel?”

  “Forget it,” she said, shaking her head like she had given up on me. “Do what you want but I see the way you look at him, too, like you’re trying to push away your feelings.”

  “I admit that he’s cute, okay?” I told her as she pulled onto my street. “I am attracted to him and so is the rest of the female student body but that doesn’t mean anything.”

  She shrugged, done with the conversation. I nudged her playfully when she stopped in front of my house and she frowned at me. It felt like she was looking right through me and I sighed, getting out of the car.

  “Fine, I’ll think about it, okay?” I told her and she nodded. “Go have fun with the girls. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “I wish you could come, too.” She sighed.

  “Me too,” I replied. “I love you-”

  “Love you, too.”

  I shut the car door, only to spot Susan peeking through the curtain in the living room. I felt my heart jump at the sight of her, afraid of what she would have to say or do because I was home late. But I forced a smile for Laura’s sake and waved goodbye, rushing through the front lawn and stairs.

  Susan opened the front door just as I reached the porch and I was sure it wasn’t to welcome me home. She stepped aside so I could enter and shut the door closed with a bang, making me jump.

  “I told you to be back before sunset,” she said through gritted teeth, grabbing a handful of my uniform top from the back, pulling it enough to make the neckline choke me from the front.

  “W-we had the tryouts today,” I stammered, trying my best not to throw up the apple and juice I had eaten in between the try-outs. “It just ended.”

  “Don’t lie to me, you slut,” she hissed in my ear.

  She pulled me backward, making me stumble but I didn’t try to hold my ground. I couldn’t let her tear my uniform. It would raise a lot of questions.

  “Everyone in this town knows this family. You think I haven’t heard about you hanging around Mr. Kendall’s son?”

  I opened my mouth, ready to explain or give excuses but she wouldn’t stand for it. I shut my mouth and she let go of my uniform, shoving me forward and onto the staircase where my forehead collided with the railing that I had so carefully avoided the last time. I felt a rush of air get knocked out of me as my forehead throbbed in pain, making me shut my eyes against the burning tears.

  “Don’t let me catch you being a slut like your mother,” she said, bending down in front of me so we were at eye level. “Stay away from that boy because our family and his are going to see a lot of each other.”

  I touched my forehead gingerly, feeling a bump already rising and looked at my fingers, letting out a breath when I saw no blood.

  “Unfortunately his family remembers you being his friend earlier and they’ve asked to bring you to their house party,” she continued, lifting my chin with two fingers, pressing them into my skin with a deadly grip. “You’ll stay away from him if you want to help your daddy.”

  I felt anger bubble through my veins and I clenched my jaw, forcing myself to keep it in but she felt the movement in my bones.

  “Is there something you’d like to say?” she asked politely, as if she was actually going to listen to anything I had to say. I wanted to tell her that I didn’t want to help my father. He had never helped me but I knew I couldn’t say it.

  She smirked, her eyes gleaming as if she had won something as her other hand collided with my cheek, her rosary ring slicing my skin. I let out a gasp and her eyes widened as if she hadn’t meant to cut me.

  “You better do something about that,” she hissed. “Wouldn’t want anyone to see it on Saturday.”

  That was when we both heard feet shuffling upstairs. She quickly got onto her feet as the footsteps drew closer to the stairs.

  “Mommy, what’s wrong?” Cody’s voice drifted to us from the top of the staircase.

  “Nothing, my baby,” she cooed, her voice so fake, it made me want to throw up. “Cheyenne just had a little fall. Come on, get up, now. You’re not hurt are you?” she asked me, holding her hand out as if she was going to help me stand up.

  I looked up at her and her eyes bore through me, daring me not to take her hand. I slowly lifted my hand up and her fingers circled around my hand instantly, yanking me up with enough force to hurt me. She raised her eyebrow, waiting for me to say something.

  “I’m fine,” I said, my voice low and my back turned to him still. “Go back to your room, Cody. Dinner will be ready soon.”

  “Okay,” he said slowly and I waited for his footsteps to fade and his bedroom door to close before starting up the stairs, wiping off the blood that dripped from the gash on my cheek.

  “Don’t ever let my child see what happens to sluts,” she said in a low voice, so softly that I almost didn’t hear her.

  I didn’t need to think about it as I went to my room. I had to keep avoiding Logan as much as I could. I didn’t have a choice. I never had.

  Chapter 7

  Trying to conceal the cut on my cheek proved harder than I expected the next day. I had mastered the art of make-up over the years to mask and hide bruises and wounds but it wasn’t working.

  The bruise on my forehead had been easy to conceal with my magic concealer but I couldn’t put it straight onto the cut. I had placed a skin colored Band-Aid over it but concealing that was giving me problems.

  After spending a good fifteen minutes on trying to hide it, I finished the rest of my make-up, painting my lips a bright red, hoping to change everyone’s focus. I combed my hair to one side so the shorter hair would cover the cut side of my face.

  I stuffed my cheerleading uniform in my book bag, knowing that we had to prepare our routine as soon as possible so we could teach it to the rest of the team. It was going to take a little longer to get the whole team to cooperate and be in sync with the stunts and cheers since we had new students.

  If it had been up to me, I would have done the tryouts after homecoming but Ms. Hansen thought it was better to use the practice of the homecoming routine to choose who was going to be on the varsity team. After all, Laura, Marika and I were going to graduate in a year and someone needed to take over the title of team captain, too.

  After putting on a black lace corset-style bralette, I pulled a white knit sweater over it, buttoning it up completely so just a thin piece of lace was visible. I paired it with my black skinny jeans, liking how it fit me so well. It made me feel like my curves were defined better. I put on my white sneakers and headed downstairs even though I was earlier than usu
al.

  Susan and my father were at the dining table when I got down but Cody wasn’t. Maybe he was still asleep. I decided it was better to grab a slice of toast with jam or something and head out. I would have much rather waited outside Laura’s house for her than spend extra time in my house.

  “Sit down,” Susan told me, her voice strangely warm. “Have breakfast since you’re early.”

  “I’m fine,” I said quickly but her eyes turned cold.

  “You should be grateful I’m making you breakfast,” she said, her face twisting as if she was trying to control her snarl.

  I sat down, my stomach in knots as she got up and went to the kitchen.

  I couldn’t believe it. Was she actually cooking me breakfast? Did she feel bad about hitting me the night before? No. That wasn’t possible. She had hurt me worse so many times. Guilt was an emotion that woman couldn’t feel and a conscience was something she didn’t have.

  I glanced at my father when I heard her scraping the pan to fill a plate with food. He barely even met my eye, shielding himself with his newspaper as Susan placed a plate of food in front of me. I stared at the food, my stomach grumbling. My mind, on the other hand, called me names for coming downstairs instead of waiting upstairs or escaping from the house before she had seen me.

  “Eat,” she ordered and my hand shook as I picked up the fork.

  I carefully scooped up some of the scrambled eggs and slowly placed it in my mouth. I chewed, her hateful glare causing my stomach to twist even further. I swallowed even though I had a lump in my throat, willing myself not to choke on the taste of the extra salty, cheese filled egg.

  “Stop picking at your food and eat fast,” she snapped. “I want you gone by the time Cody comes down.”

  I felt a stab of pain in my chest. She didn’t want Cody to see me after what he had almost witnessed the night before. Did that mean I hadn’t done that good of a job at concealing the bruise and cut?