Tired Of Surviving

by Naomi Amanda

  I kept my mouth shut, knowing that if I agreed with her, questions would follow. So I watched her as she opened a drawer and dug underneath the neatly folded clothes.

  “I also never approved of your father’s decision to hide everything about your mother from you,” she continued and I felt my heart lurch forward. “Your mother was a wonderful lady. I had a special relationship with her. She was beautiful and vibrant and happy. She loved you and your father very much.”

  “What happened to her?” I asked, my voice strained. “Did she really leave because she didn’t want me?

  “What?” She turned around to ask me. “What are you saying, honey?”

  She looked completely shocked to hear the words leave my mouth and in that moment, I could feel my heart throb painfully in my chest. With that one look, my whole world came to a halt. I had always known that Susan was a liar. I had always known that she spoke ill of my mother but none of it was true. But seeing the confirmation on my grandmother’s face was enough to make my eyes sting with unshed tears.

  “Susan said that my mom walked out on me because she didn’t want me,” I choked out and she rushed to my side.

  She sat down next to me and put an arm around my shoulder. That was when I felt the first tear fall.

  “That woman is lying,” she assured me. “She hasn’t lived an honest day in her life. But I’m going to tell you as much as I can.”

  “So she did want me?” I asked, looking into her eyes and she gave me a sad smile, nodding.

  “She wanted you so much, baby girl,” she told me. “She loved you to the moon and back. She would do anything for you and that was why she left. She knew she wouldn’t be able to take care of you. She thought your father would give you everything she couldn’t. And trust me, if she saw you now she’d be so proud. Here-”

  She pulled out a picture from a photo frame and handed it to me. I looked down at the picture of a young woman with hair so dark, it looked black. I would have questioned who she was but her hazel eyes made it clear. She was my mother and she looked exactly like me. Or I looked like her, rather.

  “You look like a younger version of her.” She smiled. “And I think you are just like her. She was smart and always did everything by herself. She loved writing, too. She was an author. She published at least three books, I think.”

  “Really?” I asked, my heart swelling.

  I stared at the picture in my hands, my tears falling freely. I really had taken up after her and I couldn’t explain how happy I felt to hear my grandmother talk so well of her.

  “I’m not sure where she is now,” she continued. “But-”

  “Why does Susan hate her so much?” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

  I couldn’t help it. I needed to know. I felt my heart rate slow down and my palms started getting sweaty again. So I kept the picture down and wiped my hands against my jeans.

  “I don’t know the whole story,” she answered. “But I know my son is to blame for most of it. He started dating Susan in the second year of college. I never knew what he saw in her but he claimed he loved her. Then one day, we went on a road trip to the surrounding towns, just for a change of atmosphere.”

  I watched her as she spoke, her eyes sad as she told me the story that I had been waiting my whole life to hear. The story of how my father had met my mother and how Susan fit into it enough to hate my mother so much. Enough for her to punish me every single day of my life, just because I was my mother’s daughter.

  I didn’t know how to feel. All I could feel was the dread at the knowledge of it being my father’s fault. But I also felt a little contentment of finally hearing the story.

  “He saw Camille at one of the resorts we were staying at-”

  “Her name was Camille?” I asked and she nodded. “Even her name is pretty.”

  “It was love at first sight for the both of them,” she continued. “He started seeing her but he failed to mention that he was already dating someone else. Your mother was kind and innocent back then. She didn’t expect your father to be two timing her. So they met outside town, got closer and he even brought her home. When I asked him about Susan, he said he was going to break up with her because he thought Camille was the one for him.”

  “Then why didn’t he?” I asked, feeling a surge of anger toward my father. “Why did he leave my mom instead?”

  “He tried to leave her,” she explained. “But she wouldn’t let him. She threatened him, saying she’d kill herself. That was when Camille came home, telling us that she was pregnant – with you.”

  She forced another sad smile at me and I felt my head hurt from all the frowning. She looked at her hands in her lap, fidgeting.

  “We were shocked but also happy at the same time. We loved Camille very much.” She nodded. “Your father tried again and again to end things with Susan but she wouldn’t let him. She’d follow him around, saying that he couldn’t leave her or she’d die. She was a tad bit dramatic back then.”

  “She’s even worse now,” I muttered, shaking my head.

  “Then one day, she followed him back home and she saw Camille. Camille was already six months pregnant by then, her stomach very visible.” Her eyes flew to mine. “She got so angry, she left. After a few weeks, she told your father that she was pregnant, too. Back then, he had still been trying to be a lawyer. He had to have a clean record to join the law firm and Susan said that she’d ruin him if he left her instead of Camille. ”

  “So he left mom instead?” I concluded and she nodded.

  “Your mother took care of you for a little more than a year.” She smiled. “You were such a happy baby. We even offered to help take care of you but she hated burdening others. That was when your father came back, claiming that he wanted to see his daughter. Camille cried to him that she didn’t want her daughter to grow up without knowing her father.”

  “So she gave me up?” I asked, my voice cracking. “And made me live without a mother?”

  “Susan agreed to take you in and treat you like her own. That way, you’d have both parents,” she elucidated. “Andrew and Susan were doing fairly well by then. They had the resources to take care of you which Camille and her parents did not. Susan made a deal with her, saying that she’d give you everything if she stayed out of your life. She wanted to be a part of your life but she knew you had a better shot at living if she let you go. So she chose to give you up in the hope that you’d have a better future.”

  I felt myself hate Susan more and more through the whole story. I also kind of hated my father. I hated him because he had made countless mistakes but he had still picked the wrong woman in the end. He had decided to live in his hell created by the lies and mistakes he had made. And he had decided to bring me up in that hell.

  I had a new found understanding about why my mother had left me and I didn’t hate her for it. But I was a little angry that she had left me to them in the first place. But how was she to know how Susan was going to treat me and that my father would ignore it?

  “Do you understand a bit more?” she asked and I nodded solemnly. “I’m sorry you had to hear this from me instead of your father. And I’m sorry you never got to know your mother.”

  “Me too,” I answered, staring down at the picture of my mother in my lap. “Can I have this?”

  She nodded and I tucked it away in the pocket of my coat before standing up. Everyone was probably wondering where we were. So when she left the room, I told her that I actually wanted to use the bathroom.

  When she left, I pulled out the picture of my mother again. I stared at her face, wondering how she was doing. I wondered how her life had turned out to be after she had left me. Was she happy? Did she meet someone else? Did she have a new family? Did she still remember me?

  Different thoughts clouded my head, making it feel as if it was filled with cotton. I wanted to find her. Badly. But what if she had moved on with her life? What if she already had a new family? What if she didn’t want
to see me? Or what if meeting me flipped her life upside down again? I couldn’t do that to her. I couldn’t ruin her life just because I wanted to run away from mine. If she was happy again, I didn’t want to spoil it with my presence. I didn’t want to burden her again.

  I flipped the picture over and my eyes scanned the cursive handwriting on the back.

  “Camille Pereira

  21 Westwood Lane, New York.”

  I stared the name and address and my heart screamed at me to go and find her. But my head told me not to. My brain swam with the thoughts that she was living a different life and I had no place in it, much less the right to ruin it. So I shoved the picture back into my pocket and headed downstairs.

  I walked into the dining room, unable to meet the eyes of a woman who had gone out of her way to ruin people’s lives. I couldn’t even look at the man who was too much of a coward to fix his own mistakes.

  Chapter 20

  When we got home after lunch, Cody hopped out of the car and I followed suit, my eyes on the letters in Susan’s hand. My father opened the front door and I couldn’t get up the stairs fast enough. I needed to avoid Susan because of the whole dessert fiasco and I kind of didn’t want to speak to my father.

  I quickly went into my bedroom and shut the door. I dropped my bag onto my bed and removed the picture of my mother from my pocket. I quickly shoved it underneath my clothes in my underwear drawer.

  I was about to check whether I had missed any pending assignments when I heard my phone ring. I quickly picked it up when I noticed Laura’s name flash across the screen.

  “Hey, how was lunch?” she asked me and that one question was enough to make me choke on my tears. “Chey, what’s wrong?”

  “I-I-” I stammered before sighing in defeat.

  I couldn’t tell her everything that had happened over lunch on the phone. It wasn’t just for the fear that Susan could be outside, listening to everything I was saying. I knew I needed to be comforted and I knew I needed to talk to my best friends about it.

  “I’ll call Logan and we’ll meet at my house, okay?” she asked and I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “How does that sound?”

  “I’ll meet you there in ten,” I managed to choke out.

  I quickly wiped away my tears, grabbed my keys and wallet off the dresser and headed out of my room. Neither Susan nor my father had come upstairs yet. So I made my way downstairs to tell them that I was going out to meet Laura.

  I was padding down the stairs quietly when I heard the sound of someone pacing in the living room. I stopped on the middle of the staircase and waited.

  “That brat of yours is starting to act more and more like that whor-” Susan started but to my shock, my father cut her off.

  “Would you really like for our child to hear you talk like that?” he asked. “She just sided with Cody about dessert, for God’s sake. They’re siblings!”

  “Don’t use that word,” she snapped. “The daughter of that whore will never be my child’s sibling.”

  “I think that’s enough.” His voice was incredibly low, close to a growl.

  “I knew this would happen,” she countered. “I knew going to your parents’ house would turn you against me again!”

  “No one is against you, Susan!” he almost screamed and I prayed to God that Cody was out with his friends and not inside the house. “Can’t you just get over the past? I mean, it’s been sixteen years since I’ve seen her!”

  “That doesn’t mean you aren’t still in love with her.” Her voice was soft. She sounded almost human.

  “I wouldn’t have started a family with you if I did.” His voice softened, too, but even I could tell that my father was lying.

  I could feel my heart hammering so hard in my chest, I swear if it was any louder, they’d be able to hear it. My hands became sweaty all over again and I felt like I had been choking on my tears all day. I was tired of it.

  I wasn’t sure how hearing my father lie made me feel. Was I supposed to be happy that he still loved my mother? Should I have felt angry that he had left her despite his feelings? Or should I have felt some other emotion for the fact that he had chosen against my mother and my safety when he let Susan have her way?

  But there was still one sickening truth. Even after he had agreed to my mother’s request after Susan’s threat, he refused to see how she was hurting me now. He chose to be blind to her horrid attitude and physical attacks on me.

  I knew I couldn’t walk in on their fight because Susan would just beat me up for eavesdropping so I headed back upstairs. Opened the door to my room and slammed it shut as hard as I could, letting them know that I was on my way down. I noisily stomped down the stairs until I found them both at the bottom, looking up at me.

  “I’m going to Laura’s house,” I told them.

  Then I walked past them without waiting for approval. I knew that they’d rather me not be in the house. Then they could argue and scream to their hearts content without the fear of being overheard.

  I quickly got into my car and drove to Laura’s house. Logan’s car was already in her driveway when I got there. My heart rate sped up at the thought of seeing him. I got out of my car quickly and rushed up the stairs. I was about to ring the bell when the door swung open. Laura gave me an once-over as if she was trying to find any cuts or bruises on me. When she didn’t see any, she stepped aside and let me in. Then she shut the front door, grabbed my hand and started leading me upstairs.

  “Mom, Chey’s here!” she called while half-dragging me up the stairs. “I’m taking her to my room!”

  Once we were in her room, she shut the door and my eyes settled on Logan. He stood up from the chair he was sitting on as soon as he saw me. I slowly made my way to him and he held his arms out. I threw my arms around him, feeling totally over-dramatic but I couldn’t help it. His hands surrounded me and I automatically felt the warmth of his body as he pressed his lips to my head.

  “What the hell happened?” Laura asked, plopping onto her bed.

  Logan and I pulled away and he laced his fingers through mine. I sat beside Laura on her bed and she took my other hand in hers. She played around with my hand until I was ready to talk.

  “My grandmother told me about my mom,” I whispered and both Logan and Laura’s eyes snapped to mine.

  “What did she say?” Logan prodded, scooting closer to me.

  “That Susan lied when she said my mom didn’t want me,” I muttered but they didn’t look surprised.

  “I think we’ve all established what a lying psychopath Susan is,” she told me. “What else did she tell you?”

  “That her name is Camille and-” I mentally slapped myself as the image of my mother crossed my mind. “I forgot to bring the picture of her that she gave me.”

  “She gave you a picture? Is she pretty?” Laura’s eyes lit up with curiosity.

  “I look just like her,” I whispered softly, blinking back tears that burned my eyes.

  “So she was extremely beautiful, then,” Logan commented and I looked at him, smiling.

  “You guys are such dorks.” Laura chuckled. “Save your sappy comments for later. What else, Chey?”

  “Dad started dating Susan first,” I started, taking a deep breath. “He met my mom after that but hid his relationship from her. He tried to break up with Susan but she wouldn’t let him. Then my mom got pregnant-”

  I swallowed against the lump in my throat and Logan’s fingers tightened around mine. He offered me a reassuring nod and I took three deep breaths before I decided to continue.

  “So Susan threatened to ruin my father’s career.” I heard my voice crack and I fought the tears in my eyes. “So he left my mom.”

  “God, she’s always been a psycho.” Laura shook head as if she didn’t even understand how it was possible.

  “My father came back a year later, saying he wanted to see me,” I continued, blinking back the tears. “And mom thought that I’d have a better life with him
so she gave me up. Susan promised to treat me like her own but told her she couldn’t come back for me.”

  “Do you want to find her?” Laura asked and I met her eyes. “Your mom, I mean.”

  “Grandma said she doesn’t know where she is now,” I murmured, leaving out the fact that an address was on the back of the picture.

  I knew my friends well enough to know that they would want to drive right over to find her. I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready to show up at that address. What if she didn’t live there anymore? What if I was setting myself up for failure? Or what if I really did end up ruining her new life by walking in on it?

  “I’ll still try to find her,” Logan cut in. “Camille, right?”

  I nodded, getting ready to turn his offer down and he forced a smile. I knew he would try his hardest to find her but I also knew that he had other things to concentrate on. I couldn’t let him spend his time looking for a mother who had left me sixteen years ago. Especially when I wasn’t even sure whether I wanted to find her.

  “Don’t.” I squeezed his hand. “You have bigger things going on. Like the SAT’s and getting into Harvard.”

  “Chey-” Laura broken in and I shook my head ever so lightly.

  “She left sixteen years ago. I’m not saying it’s going to be impossible to find her but it is going to be hard,” I told them. “And we’ll have time but after we graduate.”

  “Are you sure you can wait till then?” Logan asked me and I nodded. “But if you want to find her, we will. You just have to let us know and we’ll help, okay?”

  I nodded, giving him my word that I’d ask him if I decided that I wanted to find her. And I meant it. I knew that they were always there for me and I knew that they’d take a little time out to help me find her if I wanted. I was grateful for friends like them. I was lucky to have them.

  “Do you want to stay over tonight?” Laura asked me and I glanced at her.