by Naomi Amanda
“No,” I whispered and he turned me around. “I can’t.”
I felt tears burn my eyes. I knew how messed up my body was underneath my clothes. That was why I had never taken things further with Logan. I knew that it would only take one look at my back for him to lose it. Seeing my scar covered body would be his breaking point. He would lose all resolve and he’d want to help me. He’d want to go to an adult and Susan would go to prison. And as much as I wanted her to pay for everything she had done to me and my mother, I couldn’t let Cody lose his parents in the bargain. Because I knew that my father would go to prison, too, for never stopping her.
“Chey, this isn’t the time to be shy, okay?” he spoke carefully, his stormy grey eyes searching mine.
“I-I can’t,” I stammered again.
“Why not?” he asked, brushing my hair to one side.
“Because-” I contemplated lying to him but I couldn’t do it. I’d never be able to lie to him. “-I don’t want to break you.”
“Chey, what’re you talking about?” he asked, looking confused. “Why would you break me? I don’t understand.”
“If you see me underneath my clothes, you won’t be able to stay quiet anymore,” I explained, squeezing my eyes shut and letting the tears fall. “I know how hard this has been for you; to keep quiet and not say anything.”
“I’m going to keep my promise, Chey.” He pressed his lips softly against mine and I felt my insides turn to mush. “But you’re hurt now and we need to treat it, okay?”
I nodded slowly and turned around. I unbuttoned my shirt and slipped it off slowly, wincing as the fabric brushed against the cuts. I trusted him. If he said he would keep his promise then he would.
I heard Logan let out a strangled sound and suddenly he was right behind me. I felt his warmth against my back and a tingle as his fingertips grazed parts of it.
“Chey-” he started. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
I turned around to face him and not once did his eyes leave mine. I could feel the hot tears stream down my face as he stepped closer, wiping away my tears. He slowly pulled me to his chest and buried his face in my neck. I held onto his sweatshirt, my tears seeping through the fabric. He slipped his hand through my hair and caressed my tender and raw scalp.
“I love you so much, Chey,” he whispered into my hair and I swear I felt my heart skip a beat. “Please don’t hide things from me.”
I pulled away from him slowly, tears blurring his eyes, too. His expression was somber but I could see it in his eyes. He meant everything he said.
“You love me?” I choked out and he nodded.
I felt warmth burst through my body, settling in my stomach. A tingly sensation prickled from the inside of my body to all the extremities and suddenly, I was extremely aware of how I was semi-naked. I was standing shirtless in front of him but his eyes weren’t even dropping lower than my lips.
“I couldn’t find the right time to say it,” he whispered, turning red from his neck to his ears. “I wanted to say it when you were in my bed last night but you were so out of it. And I-I-”
“I love you, too,” I blurted out, putting him out of his misery.
His eyes rose to mine and a smile spread across his lips. I felt his warm hands come in contact with my waist, sending shots of electricity through my body. Then he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. He slowly pulled away and slipped his fingers through mine, leading me to the bathroom.
“Let’s clean up your arms, legs and stomach first,” he told me, and I felt my cheeks heat up. “Then you can lay on my bed and I’ll do your back, okay?”
I nodded, watching him as he went through his first aid kit for more cotton swabs. While he rummaged through his medicine cabinet, I slipped out of my jeans. I put the toilet seat down and slowly sat down, staring down at the cuts on my stomach and thigh from Susan’s belt.
“Got it.” Logan turned around, his face turning various shades of red when he saw that all I had on was my underwear.
I felt my cheeks heat up, too, but I ignored it. He cleared his throat and knelt down in front of me. He carefully cleaned the cuts on my arms, then my stomach and then lastly, my thigh. I felt hyper aware of how close he was, how he was touching my skin and how near-naked I was.
He wrapped gauze around my arms and thigh and luckily, the blood didn’t seep through right away. Then he carefully placed a folded up piece of gauze on my stomach and taped it down. He sprayed some medicine onto my sprained ankle and wrapped it up.
“Done.” He looked up and smiled at me.
I held my breath, the embarrassment suddenly coming down on me. He had never seen so much of my skin before. I hadn’t allowed it before but he still wasn’t looking at me any different. He wasn’t even saying anything about the bruises and scars when I knew how much he wanted to.
“Chey,” he whispered, standing up. “Lie down on my bed.”
I complied, making my way to his bed slowly. I lay on it, face down and I felt him cover the bottom half of my body with his comforter. The fabric that covered his bed felt soft and silky against my skin and suddenly, I felt drowsy again. I closed my eyes against his fluffy pillow and my mind went to the picture of my mother and the letter that I had left in his car. I would get them later since he had given me his word that we’d find my mother once Laura arrived.
I felt him clean the cut on my back, one of his hands flush against my waist. And eventually, I dozed off, waking up only when he was taping down the gauze.
“Why don’t you sleep a little while longer?” he whispered into my ear when I looked up.
“No, I have to find my mom.” I could hear how tired I sounded but I refused to sleep again.
“Laura is on her way,” he said as I turned around in his bed. “We’ll try to find your mom as soon as she comes. Until then-”
“Logan,” I cut him off and he looked down at me, covering my chest with his comforter. “I’m sorry for putting you through all this.”
“Don’t.” He caressed my cheek. “Don’t ever apologize for any of this. It isn’t your fault and I will never regret being with you.”
I tugged on his sleeve and he leaned in to kiss my forehead. I felt my heart throb in my chest. I really didn’t deserve him. He was too good.
“I should have told you about-” I shook my head. “This should have never happened. I should have done something about Susan a long time ago. I should have asked about my mom. I should have done something.”
“Hey, hey.” He forced me to look at him. “It is not your fault. This is not on you. She should have never touched you.”
The bell rang downstairs and Logan got off the bed. I watched him leave the room and then lay back down to stare at the ceiling.
I wished my mind would go blank. I wished that the tiredness would have gotten to me enough to make it impossible to think. But I couldn’t stop the million thoughts swirling in my mind.
What if my father had just picked the right girl? What if I had complained about Susan a long time ago? What if I had managed to snag my letter before she had gotten to it? What if I had just stood up to her and fought back?
Then Logan and Laura wouldn’t be in such difficult positions. And I would have been able to have a normal relationship with Logan. He wouldn’t see cuts and scars on my body when he finally got underneath my clothes. Things would be different when he took things further. He probably didn’t even want to look at my body now.
“What the hell happened?!” Laura barged into the bedroom.
I quickly sat up in bed as she made her way toward me, Logan trailing in behind her. She sat on the bed and analyzed the cuts and bruises.
“That freaking psycho,” Laura cursed. “I’m going to kill her-”
“I want to find my mom,” I cut her off. “You guys don’t have to come. She’s in New York and its three or four hours away. I’d never ask you guys to come all the way-”
“What?” Laura asked, knitting her eyebrows toget
her in confusion. “She’s in New York? How do you know that?”
“There’s an address on the back of the picture,” I murmured, giving in.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Laura asked as Logan sat behind me, his hand on my bare waist. “We asked you that day whether you wanted to find her and you-”
“I didn’t want to walk in and ruin her life.” I stared at my hands in my lap.
I felt tears burn my eyes again and I wanted to smack myself for crying so much. But I knew I was hurt enough to have an excuse to cry.
“I ruin everyone’s lives,” I murmured. “My father’s, Cody’s, yours, Logan’s. My father wouldn’t have been in this position if I wasn’t born. Cody wouldn’t be on the verge of losing his parents if it wasn’t for me. You wouldn’t be constantly inconvenienced, be used as an excuse and missing family events if it wasn’t for me. Logan could have had a normal relationship if I – I didn’t want to ruin hers, too. But I can’t do this anymore.”
“Chey-” Laura started and I knew she wanted to tell me that I hadn’t ruined anyone’s lives. That it wasn’t my fault. That it was Susan’s.
“I’m so tired.” I choked on my tears. “I’m tired of just surviving. I’m tired of wondering whether I’m going to make it through the day. I want to live, not just survive.”
“I can’t imagine being with anyone else but you,” Logan spoke into my ear. “It could have been under better circumstances but it isn’t your fault.”
“Chey-” Laura said again as Logan hugged me from behind. “We’ll find her. We’re going with you.”
Chapter 23
Laura brought me a clean set of clothes to wear from the bag in her car. She always had a sleepover bag in her car, in case of emergencies.
She helped me change into a pair of tracks, a soft shirt and pulled a sweater over my head. This time, Logan stayed in the room, watching as Laura fussed around me. She then tied my hair into a braid so she wouldn’t have to comb it since my scalp was still tender. She helped me slip my feet into my shoes and tied the laces.
Then Logan carried me down the stairs and into his car. I reached for the picture of my mom and my envelope as he got into the drivers’ side and Laura got in the back with me. When he closed the door and started the engine, I handed him the picture. He smiled at the picture of my mother and turned it over, reading the address.
He handed the picture back to me and I gave it to Laura. He backed out of his garage and out of his driveway, pulling onto the road.
“What’s that?” Laura asked, pointing at the envelope.
“Can we talk about it after we find my mom?” I asked, not wanting to explain why I hadn’t told them about applying early.
Laura nodded and made me rest my head on her lap, pulling my legs up onto the seat and ordered me to get some sleep. I closed my eyes but sleep evaded me. Logan turned the radio onto a classical music station and after what seemed like forever, I fell asleep. I didn’t wake up even once along the way but I guess that was because of how tired I was.
“Chey, wake up.” Laura brushed my hair out of my face and my eyes fluttered open.
I sat up and rubbed my eyes, feeling completely disoriented. I couldn’t place where we were until I noticed the light blue mailbox next to the house Logan had parked in front of.
“Pereira,” I whispered, reading the name off the mailbox.
We had reached my mother’s house and now that we were there, I felt my stomach knot up, my heart wrench and my hands go sweaty.
“Are you okay?” Laura asked me. “You look like you’re about to throw up.”
I swallowed against the lump in my throat and nodded. I prayed that my mother would be inside, now that I saw her maiden name sprawled on the mailbox. And I prayed that if she was in there, I wouldn’t be ruining anything for her. I wished that she still wanted me and loved me. And if she did, I knew I would be okay.
“Can you guys stay here?” I choked out. “I think I should go alone.”
“But can you walk?” Logan asked from the front seat and I shrugged.
I got out of the car, stumbling at first but then I caught myself. I hobbled past her front yard, my heart in my throat and I held my breath. I held onto the side of the wall for support, my other hand hovering over the doorbell. I looked back to see Logan and Laura who were staring out of their windows, giving me their silent support.
I let go of the breath I was holding and pressed the doorbell. A loud bell rang out and I tried not to dry heave on her doorstep. I heard feet shuffling on the other side and I tried to blink away the tears that were now forming in my eyes.
I listened as someone unlocked the door and slowly pulled it open. A short old woman appeared behind the door. Even though her features were softened with old age and her hair was greying, I could tell that she was related to my mother. And her hazel eyes widened as she looked at me.
“Camille?” she asked, tears shining in her eyes.
I felt my heart throb and I covered my mouth to hold back a cry that was trying to escape. She thought I was my mother. I slowly shook my head but she had already engulfed me in a hug. When I heard her sniffle, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I burst out crying.
“I’m not Camille,” I murmured even though it was obvious she had figured that out when she pulled away.
That was when an old man appeared behind her. He was tall with completely grey hair. His eyes were brown but even then I could tell who he was. He was my grandfather. I knew because I had the same nose and the same jawline and so did my mother.
“Cheyenne.”
All it took was for him to say my name to send my grandmother over the edge. She burst into tears again and he held onto her so she wouldn’t fall to her knees. I felt like someone was squeezing all the air out of my lungs. Even my existence caused them so much heartache.
I took a step back, ready to leave so I could go back to my friends but I felt a strong hand hold onto my shoulder. I winced in pain, not because he held onto me too hard but because of the aftermath of Susan’s wounds.
“You are Cheyenne, aren’t you?” he asked me and I looked up at him. “You are.”
Apparently my eyes were enough to give him an answer. I closed my eyes and tears slid down my face and soaked into the fabric of my sweater. I opened my mouth, ready to ask them where my mother was but something in their eyes told me that I wouldn’t be able to handle the truth. But I had to know. I had to know where she was. I needed to find her. I couldn’t live with my father and Susan any more. I knew that I only had a few months left and then I’d be off to college but I couldn’t wait that long to find her.
“Where’s my mom?” I breathed and their eyes widened. “Is she here?”
“Do you want to come inside?” he asked me. “Mary can make you some tea and we can talk-”
“My friends-” I turned around to glance at the car.
“Call them in, too,” he told me and then headed inside.
My grandmother watched him walk back inside, his back slightly hunched. I looked at her and she forced a small smile, trying to assure me that everything was fine.
“This is hard on Harold, that’s all,” she explained. “I think it’s hard on all of us. We never thought we’d see you again. Please, come in.”
I knew that she meant they’d never see me again after Susan and my father took me away since Grandma Maria had told me the story. But it still killed me to hear that they thought we’d never see each other. Did they think I’d never look for them?
I turned around and waved over to Laura and Logan. They got out of the car quickly and rushed up the stairs. Logan slipped an arm around me and helped me hobble inside.
Once seated, we looked around their dimly lit living room. Their house was small with simple furniture, nothing like my house or even dad’s parent’s house. My grandmother brought us all tea, setting it in front of each of us and then took a seat next to her husband.
“Is she not here?” I asked, not wanting t
o beat around the bush. “I guess she moved away. I’m sorry for disturbing you-”
“Where did you kids come from?” my grandfather asked and I started to wonder why he cut me off every time I asked for my mother.
“Northwynne, Sir,” Logan answered when I didn’t. “We drove down from Northwynne.”
“That’s more than three hours away,” he stated and then looked at me. “How did you find us?”
“A picture,” I murmured. “Grandma Maria gave it to me.”
“I always did like Andrew’s mother,” my grandmother nodded. “I knew she would help if needed.”
“She didn’t tell me to come here,” I blurted out. “I just really needed to find my mother.”
They looked at each other and I squirmed. I didn’t like the looks on their faces. I also hated the fact that they had cried so much when they saw me and that she had looked like she saw a ghost when she called me Camille. I felt Logan take my hand and I knew he felt uneasy, too. Laura looked at me and I stared straight at them, waiting for them to tell me where she was.
“I’m sorry, kid,” he finally spoke up. “Camille died seven years ago.”
In that moment, I felt my world shatter around me. If it was possible, hearing the words leave his mouth felt worse than anything Susan had said to me. I couldn’t feel any part of my body except my heart that throbbed painfully in my chest. I didn’t even realize when the tears started streaming down my face and Logan and Laura hugged me. I felt frozen in place, like the news had paralyzed me.
“Chey,” Laura whispered in my ear. “It’s okay.”
“It’s going to be okay,” Logan whispered, stroking my hair. “We’re right here.”
“Cheyenne,” my grandmother’s voice rang out after a while.
“How did she die?” I heard the words tumble out of my mouth.
“I’m sorry you had to find out like this,” she said. “But I think this is hard enough for you as it is.”
“Please tell me,” I repeated, trying to control my breathing. I felt a pang of anger.