Her Mother's Daughter

by Alice Fitzgerald

  He will bath them. He will break up their fights. He will pick them up when they fall and graze their knees. I hope they cry for me, and I hope they don’t. I hope they know I love them, that I will be thinking of them every waking moment. My throat is blocked with dry tears. My head heavy with brandy.

  I carry the photographs upstairs and lay them on top of my clothes in the case. I do my face, and zip the case closed.

  I stop at their door, go inside and look round the room. I run my hand over the duvets, smell their pillows. My babies.

  I leave my keys in the dish and pull the door to behind me. It’s a cold, grey day. I pull the collar of my coat up over my chin. The wind scratches at my eyes. I turn left towards the station. I will go to Paddington and get a train from there. Jane says it is all arranged, and they will be expecting me. The case is light in my hand. I walk quickly, nervous I’ll hear the diesel engine any second.

  CLARE

  18TH OCTOBER 1997

  We reach the bottom of the hill and race along the path. I’m way in the lead. The wind is blowing in my face and the tears running into my hair when Thomas starts shouting behind me. I turn around, not wanting to lose speed in case he’s trying to trick me.

  He’s waving his arms, pointing towards the flower gardens.

  I stop running. ‘What?’ I ask, out of breath.

  ‘Can’t you see?’ he shouts, and he runs off the path and across the grass, even though it’s not in the direction of home.

  I watch him go into the distance, and as he approaches the ivy wall of the garden my eye is drawn to something moving at the side. It’s a dog in the bushes. Thomas approaches and shouts out and the dog looks up and starts running towards him, barking.

  I don’t believe it. Could it really be Sooty? He’s jumping up on Thomas and licking him and barking and Thomas is laughing and rubbing his head.

  I squeal and run towards them. ‘Sooty!’ I shout. ‘Sooty!’

  He hears my voice and leaps out of Thomas’s arms, bounding towards me. I can’t believe it, but it’s true, and when I reach him and wrap my arms around him and he licks my face over and over again, I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found Sooty again. Wait till I tell Mummy and Daddy.

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you to each and every friend who has read this book while it was in the making, for their time, encouragement, critiques, insight and wisdom that have helped me along the way. Especially to Margarita, Nicola, Andrew, Jacintha, Laura, Clare and Clive.

  Adriann Ranta Zurhellen at Foundry Literary + Media and Sam Brown at Allen & Unwin, thank you both for believing in this book, and letting it see the light of day. Thanks also to the teams at Foundry, Abner Stein and Allen & Unwin.

  Thanks to my family for their undwindling love and support, and for always being there when I need you. To my husband, who has been my biggest cheerleader since our first date when I told him about this book, and who has been by my side, telling me I could do it, ever since. I did – thanks to you. And finally, to my baby, who slept soundly on my lap while I worked on the final manuscript. I love you.