3
Kate
He knows something is going on.
It’s those questioning looks he keeps giving me.
Good luck figuring me out.
I can’t even figure myself out right now.
Can’t you?
It’s not difficult. You love Ethan. Ethan loves you. Done.
That answer is too easy. This is a real life problem with real life outcomes. The biggest by far being the risk to me and Ethan.
I need to be more careful. I can’t act like I’ve been acting since the airport.
Going to Ethan’s parents’ house will make it easier. No opportunities to touch him and get lost in his eyes.
If our parents could see our airport reunion, we'd be on the receiving end of some serious questions. It’s no secret that our parents are huge fans of an Ethan-and-Kate union. Especially his mother. Whom I love dearly. And who wants me to love her son just as dearly. I already do.
My hand comes off the wheel to fidget with the neck of my dress. Stopping at my apartment to change was a good idea. I want to look nice. That red tank top was too casual for dinner at Ethan’s parents’ house.
My lips twist as I spare a quick glance at myself. “I wish Harper had been home when I was getting dressed.” Her style is lightyears better than mine.
“I’m pretty happy she wasn’t there.”
“Ethan!”
“Sorry, sorry. She’s just not my favorite person.”
“I know, but be nice. Besides, I really needed her today. After the lunch we had, I should be wearing maternity pants. Not this cute dress.”
“You ate five fries.”
“I tanked your whole basket when you were busy dropping the Trent bomb on me.”
“You really hate him, don't you?”
I tap the steering wheel and toss an admonishing look his way. “I have good reason to.”
One day. Trent knew me for just one day before he decided I was leading Ethan on. And apparently I remind him of a foster mother he had who repeatedly acted like she would adopt him and never did. After that experience, Trent had been shuffled between foster parents before he was finally adopted. According to him, I’m just like the woman who gave a little boy false hope.
“You know, he had a really rough start in life. Try to give him a break.” Ethan boomerangs the admonishing look.
A loud, short stream of air comes from my nose. “He could give me a break too. I’m not his foster mother. We all have our issues, maybe some more than others. We're adults now. He can't keep using his childhood as a reason to be a jerk.”
He tugs my ponytail. “Not everybody can be perfect like you. Kate Masters. Straight-A student. Valedictorian. Serious rule follower. Weird ability to accomplish any task. Kate will Master it.” He sing-songs the last sentence.
I smile, but it feels wrong on my face. I’m ready to leave that phrase in the dust. Being perfect is exhausting.
I turn onto the street we grew up on. Instantly I’m comforted by the big, green lawns and old, leafy trees.
“Look at Mrs. Witherby.” Ethan points at the old woman standing in her front yard with a garden hose. “She looks…old.”
I glance at the cloud of white hair puffing out over her head. “She is old. She was old when we were little.”
“I know, but… Wow.” He waves at her as we drive past.
She waves back, but she looks confused.
“It's been less than a year since I've been here, but it feels like longer. Everything is green in this neighborhood. A world away from where I’m headed.” I glance over to see a pensive look on his face.
In his parent’s driveway, I put the car in park. I reach for his hand and give it a squeeze. This is something I would have done before I knew I loved him. This is okay.
“I’m sorry you feel upset.” And I wish you didn’t have to go.
He shakes his head. “I’m fine.”
He watches me, not moving his hand. I don’t move my hand, but I definitely should.
“Ethan…” I stop. I don’t know what I was about to say. I have no words. Just a swirling feeling. Growing and stretching, consuming me from the inside.
He leans over, just an inch. One inch closer to me. His eyes drill into mine, like he’s willing me to just say it.
My mouth opens, closes. Opens, closes. A muscle in my thigh starts twitching.
“Ethan!”
A woman’s voice breaks up the moment. My brain is thankful. My heart is despondent.
Ethan jumps from the car and rushes to his mom and dad. I follow slowly, giving them time for a reunion before I join.
“Mom, Dad. Good to see you.” His voice is thick.
Evie finally lets go of Ethan and reaches for me.
“Kate, I haven’t seen you at your mom’s house. Where have you been?”
“Oh, here and there.” The truth is that I’ve been avoiding my mom. She has a keen sense of knowing when something is up with me.
“Sounds like there’s a new man in your life.” She grins back at me, but it’s fleeting. Her next look is to Ethan, and it’s worried.
Ethan rocks back on his heels and purses his lips, shrugging. “If that’s the case, Kate’s not divulging any info to me. But she has been a little off today. Maybe there’s trouble in paradise.”
I cross my arms. “I’m in paradise by myself, thank you very much.” No I’m not. I’m in hell. A mental and emotional hell of my own making.
“Ethan Shepherd, you come hug me this instant.” My mother’s voice sounds from the end of the front yard.
Ethan laughs and jogs to her. “Linda, long time no see.”
Yes, everyone loves Ethan. Including me.
“Hi, Mr. Shepherd.” I smile at Ethan’s father. It’s hard to know exactly how to act around him. He was my high school principal, not just my best friend’s dad.
“How many times do I have to tell you to call me by my first name?” He laughs at my discomfort. “I haven’t been your principal in a long time.”
“Hi, James. How are you?”
“Great now that my boy is home for ten days.” His chest puffs up with pride as he watches Ethan and my mom walk to us. “Or are you going to steal him away like you usually do?”
I balk. Steal? Is that what I do?
James elbows me lightly. “I’m joking. Ethan is perfectly happy spending the majority of his time with you.”
I nod, attempting a smile. The Trent conversation on the drive over has made me sensitive.
“Katherine Rae Masters, you missed dinner on Sunday.” My mom comes up behind me and swats my butt.
Ethan’s laughter breaks through the group. “Did you just spank her?”
I step into my mom’s open arms. “Sorry, Mom. I wasn’t feeling well. I left you a message.”
The corners of her lips turn down. “You weren’t feeling well a few weeks ago when you canceled on me for a shopping day. Are you pregnant?”
“Mom!” My face flames.
Ethan looks like he wants to vomit.
James smirks and Evie howls.
“What?” My mom raises her hands. “You’re an adult.”
I frown. “New subject. Now.”
Ethan steps in. “Let’s move this party inside.”
Evie squeals an unintelligible sound. “Oh! Dinner. I better check on it.” She darts in front of us and into the house.
I let my mom and James go in front. Ethan grabs my hand and pulls me back a few inches. His lips go to my ear, and my whole body shudders.
“Are you pregnant?” He breathes the question, his words nearly inaudible. The barely hidden current of horror sounds much louder than his words.
I scowl at him. “No.”
For a second he looks chagrined. “Well, I just had to ask. Your mom said you were sick. Twice.”
“And somehow that means I have a baby growing inside me?”
My words put a softening in his eyes, giving them a dream-like quality. “No. S
orry.” He steps aside and opens the door for me.
I see the banner right away. Two feet tall and at least ten feet long, the behemoth extends from the fireplace across the entire length of the wall. Welcome Home Ethan. Scrawled in big block letters with American flags drawn on either end.
I watch Ethan see it. He smiles, nods his head slowly, swallows the lump in his throat, and walks to his mom.
“Thank you.” He hugs her.
She pulls back and takes his face into her hands. Her eyes are shiny. “We are so happy to have you home. Safe and sound.”
James claps Ethan on the back. Ethan, eye-to-eye with his dad, looks at him and nods in that manly, respectful way that men sometimes do.
Is that what Ethan is now? A man? He's always been Ethan, the best friend. But right now… I sneak a peek at his profile. He looks like a man. He certainly felt like a man in my dream.
I want to run, hide, understand what’s happening and plan my reaction. My best friend, the boy from all my childhood memories, is now a man. I need time to absorb this realization.
“Kate, want to help me in the kitchen? I need your skills.” Evie’s gaze is expectant.
I clear my throat, pushing away my thoughts. “Sure.” I have to pass Ethan to get to Evie. When I do, I take great care not to touch him. Not even a brush of arms.
The kitchen is a disaster. It looks like she used every pot and pan she owns to make dinner. I walk to the stove and look down at the contents of a pan.
“Umm… This is burned.”
She winces. “I thought it might be but I wanted your expert opinion.”
I can’t contain my laughter. “So what’s the plan?”
“Pizza?”
“Order-in?”
“Well, I’m certainly not making it.” She points at the stove and wrinkles her nose.
“Who’s cleaning this kitchen?” I ask, looking at the piles of used cooking utensils and dirty countertops.
“The guys.” She laughs the words.
Evie orders pizza while she pulls down a bottle of wine and three glasses from a cabinet. I go to the fridge and remove two beers for Ethan and James, then follow Evie to the living room.
“Mom, I’m kind of glad you burned dinner.” Ethan is reclining on the sofa in the living room when Evie announces the impending pizza delivery. “I haven’t had good pizza since I went to Italy.”
“When were you in Italy?” My mom asks.
“A few months ago. We can go off-post when we’re between deployments. My friend Nick and I got on a train and left Germany for the weekend.” The corners of his mouth turn up, like he’s remembering something funny.
“Ethan, is Nick still planning to move here?” Evie pours the third glass of wine and hands it to me.
I murmur a thank you, my eyes on Ethan as he drinks from his beer bottle, his Adam’s apple moving. That tiny action, and suddenly my knees feel like they weigh less. I may or may not be panting. I can't tell. I'm a mess.
“Yep.” Ethan watches me, curiosity raging in his eyes. “Lucky bastard gets out seven months earlier than I do. I told him you all will help him adjust and get his life together. Right, Katie?”
“Of course.” I agreed to the task months ago.
“You guys are going to love him.” Ethan’s voice is excited. “He’s a solid guy. He’s been through a lot.”
“Is he anything like Trent?” I ask.
Ethan laughs. “More like Zane. Nothing like Trent.”
I let out a loud breath. “Thank God. I like Nick already.”
Evie laughs and high fives me. She tolerates Trent for Ethan’s sake.
We talk and laugh until the pizza arrives. Ethan eats like he hasn’t seen food in days and swears he doesn't have room for any more, but when Evie walks out with a store bought dessert she had in the fridge, he changes his tune.
After dessert, we continue to visit until Ethan reminds us that his body clock is out of whack, and he’s about to pass out on the floor.
“You can take your old room. It’s ready for you.” Evie looks hopeful.
Ethan looks at me. “Sleepover? Like old times?” His eyebrows are raised.
My insides turn to jelly. The pizza and cannoli in my stomach threaten to re-enter the world. “Sure,” I manage to mumble.
Evie claps her hands together. “I’ll make up the trundle.” She starts for the stairs, but turns back suddenly. “Wait a minute. Is it safe to let you two sleep in the same room without adult supervision?”
A flush ignites on my cheeks.
Ethan rolls his eyes. “Mom? You know Kate and I are just friends. And even if we weren’t just friends, we’re—”
“Adults. I know, I know.” Evie throws up her arms. “Forgot for a second. I’m just happy to have you here, that’s all. Have sex, I don’t care.”
“Mom!” Ethan yells.
“Evie!” I yell.
She laughs and runs to the stairs. “I’m getting out of here.”
By the time my mom leaves, I’m dangerously close to fainting. I don’t know if I’ve taken more than ten breaths since I agreed to stay the night.
Evie and James say good night to us and go to their bedroom on the first floor.
I look at Ethan.
Ethan looks at me.
“So…” I draw out the word.
“Ready for bed?” He has that softness to his eyes again. It makes me want to melt into a puddle right there at the bottom of the stairs. I gulp and nod.
We climb the stairs together, arms bumping, and I want to reach out and curl my fingers through his.
Once we’re in his bedroom, he hands me a t-shirt from his dresser. “Are you okay to sleep in this?”
I take the oversize white T-shirt. “Turn around.”
He obeys. Unzipping my dress is a struggle, but there’s no way I’m asking him for help. Finally, I get it down far enough that I can slide the dress down my body and step out.
I slip his T-shirt over my head, silently inhaling the scent. Of course it’s freshly laundered and smells of fabric softener. I wish it smelled of him. It’s a good thing I’m petite. As it is, the bottom of his shirt only reaches mid-thigh. “Okay.” I sit down on the trundle, legs carefully folded beneath me so the shirt covers as much as it can.
Ethan isn’t shy about changing into his pajamas in front of me. With one hand he reaches over his shoulder and grabs a fistful of fabric, then pulls the shirt over his hand in a single graceful motion.
Oh my god, that was sexy.
Ethan is sexy.
My brain is trying to wrap itself around the fact I’m thinking this of Ethan, of all people. My libido is acting independent of my brain. It’s a racehorse out in front of the rest of my reason, screaming for more.
Ethan unbuttons the top button of his jeans. I look away, but it’s too late. The image, seared into my brain, is already doing things to me.
Heart galloping.
Pulse racing.
Blood boiling in the very best way.
I need to go to sleep. Immediately. The rustle of his jeans as they’re removed from his body makes me want to give up all my secrets.
My head hits the pillow as fast as I can. My body faces away from the man behind me taking off his pants.
I’m in love with you. Now can we please pick up where my dream left off?
I shake my head. Go to bed. Close your eyes and forget about it.
Ethan’s voice is suddenly right next to me. His lips move against my ear. “Take my bed. I’m not letting you sleep on the trundle. We both know it’s not comfortable.”
“I’m fine.” I need to be in this exact spot, curled up with my face pointing away from him. This is safe.
He sighs. I feel the mattress roll under his shifting weight. Two arms slip under me, and then I’m airborne.
I stay silent, unmoving. Gently I’m laid back down, this time on Ethan's bed.
“Goodnight, Kate.” There’s a long pause between those two words, and when he sa
ys my name it sounds like there are so many more words hiding behind it.
“Goodnight, Ethan.”
Just like him, I could say so much more.
But I don’t.
4
Ethan
My eyes open. I sit up and peek over the side of my bed, careful not to make noise.
She’s still there.
Kate’s mouth is parted halfway, her deep, even breaths passing through her pink lips.
My eyes travel down, away from her face. Her restlessness during the night has moved the blanket to the foot of the bed. Now she only has the sheet, and it’s tangled in her legs. My white T-shirt has bunched at her waist. The twisted sheet exposes one half of her bottom curves. My heart beats faster. I roll my eyes at my excitement. It’s like she’s wearing bikini bottoms. No big deal.
But it is a big deal. I saw what happened inside her last night. As if her skin were translucent, I saw everything that went on in her head. And her body. She was at war with herself.
She’s attracted to me.
But does she love me?
I would never do anything casual with Kate. Talk about ruining things between us. We’ve come too far to ever be bed buddies.
I want her love. I want her every morning and every night. I want to marry her and have babies with her and be by her side until we’re old and wrinkled. I want her in the spaces between seconds, when the clock tells a boring story of time filled with nothingness.
I want her in moments of nothingness.
Does she want me the same way?
I get up as quietly as I can and leave my bedroom. My desire and my love for Kate overwhelms me. It takes me away from my senses and makes me want to see if her attraction to me is more.
And I know Kate. She has to come to me. On her own time. So now I just have to wait.
Thanks to Kate, I’m an expert in waiting.
***
I got out of my parents’ house with a lot of hugs from my mom and a promise to come back later today. We’ve stopped at Kate’s so she can shower and change. And then we’re going somewhere Kate has no desire to go.
I feel for Kate. Really, I do. I don’t like spending time around her roommate either.
The Day He Went Away Page 3