Let Me In

by Parker, Ali

  I put the picture down, cursing Kade for his little trip down memory lane. I preferred to keep memories that made me feel sad or melancholy for the good times way back in a corner. I preferred to keep things on a nice even keel with no highs and no lows. I picked up the letter, wondering what words of wisdom he was going to impart on me.

  Hey big brother,

  Sorry to cut and run, but I got a call late last night from a buddy of mine. His wife left him, and he isn’t handling it well. I caught an earlier flight. I should have woken you, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to see you cry. I know you’ll miss me. I’ll miss you too.

  I had to laugh at his humor.

  I left the picture because I think you need to remember more of the good times and less of the bad. I do. I like to think on the good stuff. You think about the bad stuff enough for both of us. I know things are rocky between you and dad. I get it. He’s not an easy man to get along with.

  He loves you. I know he does. He doesn’t know how to relate to you. He wants to be a part of your life. I want you to be a part of his life and mine. Mom would have wanted us to make an effort to fix this. She would be pissed to find you and dad drifted so far apart.

  It’s just the three of us and we did have some good times. I’d like to have more of those good times. I want to go fishing with you and dad. I want us to go to Mo’s and drink a beer around a campfire on the beach.

  Say we can go back to those days. I know it is a huge ask but damn if I don’t miss those days. I’m going to try and get back for a visit before I deploy again or PDS overseas. Don’t make excuses. Just do it. I want to be like we were. This weekend was amazing. It reminded me of the good times.

  Life is too short not to fill it with good times. Let’s make a pact to outweigh the bad with the good. Do it for you. Do it for me. I’ll call you before I head back east. Take care of yourself and take care of that beautiful lady. She’s a good one. I like her.

  Love, Kade, the good-looking one.

  I smiled and put the note back on the dresser. My eyes drifted to the picture. He was right but I wasn’t sure I could swallow my pride. There were a lot of hurt feelings. Every month, every year that passed, the gap between my father and me widened. I wasn’t even sure I could fix what was broken.

  “Well, shit,” I muttered. I had a full breakfast downstairs and a clear schedule.

  I went back downstairs and grabbed my phone. I doubted Evie was available, but I was going to call her anyway.

  “Hello,” she answered.

  “Hey,” I said, smiling as I took a bite of bacon. “What are you doing?”

  “At this moment, I am going to a coffee shop.”

  “Do you have a packed schedule today?”

  “Nope. I only have a few things. Why?”

  “Want to play hooky?”

  She softly giggled. “What do you have in mind?”

  “I took the day off to hang out with Kade, but he ditched me. I was thinking me and you could do something. I think I’m due for a new lesson in having fun.”

  “I’m in. Let me go into the office and check on a couple things. Then I can be free, say by ten?”

  “Awesome.”

  “What did you have in mind?” she asked. “Theme park? Beach?”

  “How about the zoo?” I blurted out, surprising even myself.

  “The zoo?” she questioned, sounding surprised.

  “Yeah, why not? I don’t think I’ve been there in forever.”

  “I’m excited. That sounds like a great way to spend the day. I’ll need to go home and change. Do you want me to meet you at your place?”

  “I can pick you up,” I offered.

  “I’ll text you my address.”

  “See you soon.”

  I ended the call and felt hopeful. I wanted to take Kade’s advice to heart. I wanted to fill my days with fun. I figured I had another thirty or forty years to make memories that would hopefully fill the void in my life. I tended to dwell on the negative. The less negative I had, the less chance I could dwell on the bad.

  I put away the leftovers and went upstairs to take a shower. I changed into a pair of shorts and the usual T-shirt. I pulled out a pair of new tennis shoes that had been sitting on a shelf in my closet for weeks.

  I wasn’t a shopaholic. I didn’t really like shopping at all and I absolutely hated shopping at the ridiculously overpriced shops that carried brands like Gucci and Prada. I had the money, but damn if I was going to pay five thousand for a fucking shirt.

  I headed back downstairs and went into my home office to check emails and kill time until she texted. I hoped she hurried. I was looking forward to seeing her. It felt like forever before she finally texted and said she was on her way back to her apartment. I grabbed my keys and was out the door in a hurry. I didn’t want to wait another minute.

  Her place was only fifteen minutes from mine. I liked that she was close. I couldn’t explain why it mattered, but I liked it. I parked my car and texted to let her know I was there before going inside.

  She met me in the lobby instead of waiting for me to knock on her door. I wasn’t going to read too much into it. She didn’t want me in her place.

  Watching her walk toward me in the pretty pink capris and the white flowing blouse made me think it was probably a very good idea I didn’t go into her apartment. We would never get to the zoo.

  “Hi.” I greeted her with a kiss.

  “Hi, yourself. This was a nice surprise.”

  “If the zoo isn’t really how you wanted to spend your day, I’m up for anything.”

  “I’m absolutely thrilled to go to the zoo. Kade dumped you, huh?”

  I nodded. “He had a friend in crisis. Those guys stick together. Kade is a sergeant and he takes his duties very seriously. He looks out for his team on and off duty.”

  “That’s sweet. I can see him being like that. I think he wants to take care of you as well.”

  I rolled my eyes. “He’s always been bossy. I’ve told him a million times I’m the older one. I’m the one who is supposed to take care of him.”

  “And I bet you did when you guys were younger.”

  I nodded. “I tried. Now, let’s go before all the animals go down for their afternoon naps.”

  She wrapped an arm around my waist. I wrapped mine around her shoulders and pulled her against me. She was the perfect fit. We walked out to my car. I opened the door for her like a perfect gentlemen before going around and getting in the driver’s seat.

  “Are you sure you want to do this?” she questioned.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You don’t like public places. I know you aren’t comfortable doing public things. We could go somewhere quiet if you want. I don’t want you to do this for me. I am perfectly happy doing anything, as long as you are there.”

  I reached across the center console and grabbed her hand. “I do want to go to the zoo. I have to confess something.”

  “Oh?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “I wasn’t always reclusive. I’ve never been a social butterfly, but it just seemed easier to fade away than deal with questions and opinions. When you are around, I do feel a lot better about being in public places. Your social butterfly wings protect me.”

  “Okay, that works. Let’s go to the zoo.”

  I put the car in drive and headed to the zoo. I shouldn’t have been surprised to find the place very busy. With no school, there were a lot of kids and families. There was a tiny twinge of anxiety, but I quickly tamped it down. I was a normal guy, out for a normal date with a beautiful woman.

  She took my hand and gave it a good squeeze. “This will be fun.”

  I nodded and handed over my credit card to buy our tickets. “Yes, it will.”

  Chapter 34

  Evie

  He held my hand as we made our way from one animal exhibit to the next. He was saying all the right things and smiling and was acting perfectly normal. That was what bugged me.


  He was too normal. He wasn’t being his usual self. I could feel him trying too hard to be the normal guy. Xander was naturally reserved, but just then, he was being very—for lack of a better word—normal.

  “Something to drink?” he asked with a friendly smile. That was when I knew something was definitely not okay.

  “Yes, please.”

  I stood to the side while he got in line to get the sodas. I spotted a small table in the shade and took it over. When he turned to look for me, I waved my hand to get his attention. He carried the drinks and sat down. Again, I could see there was something on his mind.

  “Hot?” he asked.

  “It’s not too bad. What about you?”

  “Fine.”

  I sipped on the soda before I decided the best way to find out what was on his mind was to ask him directly. “How are you? Like really, how are you?”

  He frowned. “Fine. Why? Do I look ill?”

  “No, you look devastating,” I said with a wink.

  He grinned. “Devastating, huh? Does that mean you want to go in the bushes with me?”

  He was flirting, which was definitely a good sign, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. He was reserved, holding something back. “You seem like you have something on your mind. Is it me? Work? What’s up?”

  He sighed, shaking his head. “Nothing.”

  “Okay. If you do decide it’s something and you want to talk about it, I’m here. I know you’re not a big talker and I’m not going to be a nag.”

  He offered another small smile before sipping his drink and staring off into space. It was evident there was something. I wondered if it was Kade’s visit. Had they gotten in a fight? That could explain why he was suddenly available for the day. I hoped not. I hated to think of the two of them fighting.

  They were very cute together. I loved watching the camaraderie. I loved that Kade accepted me with open arms. I could admit I let myself have a little fantasy about the three of us being pals and hanging out together in the future. And yes, I was already thinking about a double date with Nelle and Kade together. I had never been accused of not having an active imagination.

  “You’re right,” he said. “I’m sorry if I’m being a killjoy.”

  “No!” I quickly answered. “You’re not being a downer at all. I’m having a lot of fun. I’m only asking because I care, and I can see you have something on your mind. If you don’t want to tell me, I get it. We can go on with our day. Sometimes, a day at the zoo is just what the doctor ordered.”

  “I appreciate you asking. I guess I’m not so great at hiding everything. It’s just that seeing Kade got me to thinking about a lot of stuff. Stuff I have chosen to not think about for a long time.”

  I sipped on my soda, waiting for him to go on. He was a tough cookie to crack and I didn’t want to push. “Stuff? Is that code for feelings and memories?”

  “I haven’t seen him in over a year. The last time I saw him, it was maybe ten minutes and he was out the door. The last five years, I’ve maybe seen him a few hours.”

  “Because he’s been in the service?”

  “That and because I didn’t want to be around my dad. My dad and Kade are close. Well, as close as my dad can be to anyone.”

  “Are you jealous?”

  He seemed to mull it over. “Maybe a little. It’s more about me acknowledging I miss the kid.”

  “That is very sweet. I saw you two together. You guys have a great relationship. I don’t think there is any breaking that bond. Now that you guys have reconnected, you have a chance to change.”

  “I suppose you are right. I don’t want to fuck it up.”

  “Is he gone gone or back at your dad’s?”

  “I would guess he’ll be at my dad’s eventually,” he said.

  “Why don’t you go too? You can surely take the time off work. Spend as much time with him as you can.”

  He grimaced and shook his head. “I don’t think that is a good idea.”

  “Because you don’t want to see your dad?”

  “I don’t think he wants to see me.”

  I hated to think of him feeling unwanted and unloved. It hurt my heart a little. “I’m sorry. I hate to ask, but are you sure? Is there a chance he is over whatever beef you guys had?”

  He sighed. “It wasn’t just one beef. It was me. He doesn’t like me.”

  “I refuse to believe that. You are a very likeable guy.”

  He smirked. “You met my brother. He’s likeable.”

  I grinned. “He is pretty damn likeable. Is he single?”

  He eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?”

  “I’m kidding. I was only teasing.”

  “Not funny,” he mumbled under his breath.

  “It is funny. You are the total package.”

  That seemed to make him feel a little better. “Thanks.”

  “I don’t want to be nosey, and feel free to tell me to mind my own business, but what happened? That was too forward. I shouldn’t have asked.”

  I thought he was going to tell me to fuck off. He didn’t. “Kade is perfect.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “He’s a nice guy and easy on the eyes, but perfect? That’s a stretch.”

  “Okay, if you keep telling me how good looking my brother is, I’m going to feed you to the lions.”

  My smile erupted over my face. I liked his little jealous side. I liked that he wanted me all to himself. “Speaking of, let’s go. They should be getting fed about now.”

  We got up, both of us carrying our sodas in one hand while we held hands. “You really are worthy,” I told him.

  “My dad doesn’t see it that way. Him and your dad would get along very well.”

  That stung. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I rub people the wrong way.”

  “You rub me in all the right ways,” I said.

  “Be careful,” he warned. “I am still thinking about taking you back into the penguin palace. There were plenty of dark corners.”

  “I’m thinking that could be a little cold. The chill might cause some performance issues.”

  He slowly shook his head as his eyes raked over my body. “I could never have any issues when it comes to you. I don’t care how fucking cold it is. You make me hot. You would melt away all the cold.”

  “You are dangerous,” I breathed.

  “So I’ve been told.”

  “For what it’s worth, my dad is kind of a dick to everyone. I don’t even think he realizes when he is doing it. He’s very abrasive. He’s never really been that way with me, but I have seen him do it to countless people, students as well.”

  “His reputation at the school isn’t great,” he said.

  “How so?”

  “He’s known as a hard ass. Everyone dreads taking his class, but it’s a requirement to get almost any engineering degree. I don’t want to talk too much shit about your dad, but he’s hardcore. He fails more than he passes.”

  It was hard to hear that about my father. “I know I’ve said this before, but I’m sorry. I think I’ve had hero worship for so long, I wore blinders. I didn’t see or I chose to ignore the rude behavior and his condescending words to just about anyone he has ever encountered. Truthfully, I have apologized for his bad behavior for the majority of my life. I think I just stopped seeing it. If I don’t see it, I can’t be embarrassed by it.”

  “My dad was a dick most of the time, but people expected it from him,” he said. “He was in uniform almost always. People saw the uniform and just gave him a free pass. I didn’t. I think that’s why he and I clashed. I didn’t think it was okay to treat people like shit.”

  “It is not okay, but I think we have to acknowledge our fathers are a different breed. I don’t think either one of them is bad, but they are just a little harsher than most people. They don’t have those soft edges we see in TV dads.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Not even close.”

  “Why do you think you guys clash?” I was prying. I did
that even when I told myself not to do it. “I’m so sorry.”

  “My dad wanted me to go into the service. I knew from about the time I was thirteen I didn’t want to be in the Navy. I didn’t want to be in the Marines. I wanted to go to college. He kept telling me I could go to school after I did my four years. I tried to tell him four years was too long for me to wait. I didn’t want to wait. I had been designing stuff from a young age. I always knew I wanted to be an engineer or an architect. I always knew I wanted to create. I wanted to design something I could see with my own two eyes.”

  I smiled as he spoke. He spoke with a great deal of passion. I loved hearing him talk about it with such enthusiasm. “I don’t see anything wrong with that.”

  “Me either. He did. He called me selfish. He insisted I was making the wrong choice. He made me feel like I was not only letting him down but the entire country. He couldn’t even look at me. When I left for school, it pretty much sealed the end of our relationship.”

  “All because you wanted to go to college?” I asked with disbelief.

  “Yep. Just like your dad hated that I wanted to do something that had never been done. It’s like they all wanted me to fail. Every step forward was a direct insult to them.”

  Things became very clear. We slowly walked toward the primate area, joining the crowd of people watching the beautiful apes groom themselves. “And Kade joined the service,” I said.

  “Yep. Kade was selfless. Kade put his life on the line for his country. Kade is the son that followed in my father’s footsteps. He’s carrying on the family name with honor.”

  “You aren’t exactly a bum,” I told him.

  “Nope, but it doesn’t matter how much money I have or how successful I am or the fact I’m technically changing the world. I will never be good enough in my dad’s eyes. Or your father’s eyes for that matter.”

  “I’m really sorry you feel like that.”