by Parker, Ali
“Hello,” I said, unable to stop the smile from spreading over my face.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m working on my boat.”
She laughed. “Of course, you are. Your actual boat or the little boat you are using as a prototype?”
“My actual boat. What are you doing?”
“Well, my client canceled at the last minute. Turns out I have nothing to do on a Friday night. I was wondering if you were free.”
“I’m always free for you,” I told her.
“I like that.”
“Come out to the boat,” I said.
“Are you sure? If you’ve got big plans to tear apart a perfectly good boat, I don’t want to get in your way.”
“Woman, I’m free. You’re free. Get your ass out here or I will hunt you down. You cannot put this man off another day.”
Her sweet laughter came through the phone. She thought I was joking. I wasn’t. I was so fucking serious. My balls were blue, and she was the only one that could cure the situation.
I had kept telling myself things would slow down after the presentation on Monday, and I would be able to see her more often. Just a few more days.
“I will be there. I’ll stop by my place and change.”
“No. Just get your lovely ass out here. You won’t need clothes for what I have in mind.”
“I’ll be there in thirty,” she said, sounding suddenly out of breath.
I smiled and put the phone back down. It was a little brazen, but that was the way we did things. I had never been quite so forward with any of the other women I dated. Evie was different. She made me feel like I could be that guy that was always locked down tight. I could tell her exactly how I felt, and she wasn’t going to slap me or walk out. She was going to have a comeback that left me weak in the knees.
I got back to work on the motor, losing track of time until I heard her soft voice behind me. “I always get very worried when I see you working on this thing. Don’t try to tell me you are working on the radio. I don’t know much about boats, but I know the radio is over there.”
I grinned and put down the wrench before sliding my hands down my pants again. They were still dirty. I didn’t care. I had to touch her. I helped her onto the deck before grabbing her and giving her the kiss I had been dying to give for weeks.
“It’s not a big deal, just a minor little issue,” I told her when she looked over at the tools.
“Why don’t you hire someone to fix it, or better yet, why not buy a new boat?”
I flinched as if I had been slapped. “Now why would I get rid of a perfectly good boat?”
“You keep calling it that, but you are always working on it.”
“That’s just for fun,” I answered.
“I thought you would be working on your presentation for Monday.”
I walked to the package of wet wipes and pulled a few out to clean my hands. “No. I’m done with it. If I keep fucking with it, I’m going to end up starting all over from scratch. I can get obsessive about it. I just need to go with my gut.”
“Good plan. Did you tell Kade about it?”
“I called him yesterday and left a message. I haven’t heard back from him.”
“It’s too bad he couldn’t be here to see it,” she said wistfully.
“He wouldn’t know what I was talking about anyway. If I can pitch it right and I get someone willing to let me try it out on one of their ships, then I’ll tell him.”
“Good plan.”
“Do you want a beer?” I asked her. “I wasn’t planning on seeing you and didn’t pick up any wine.”
“A beer sounds good.”
I headed downstairs and grabbed two cold ones before taking them back up. She had settled on the couch and kicked off her heels. She looked so damn perfect. She looked like she belonged on my boat.
I looked around the marina, disappointed to see it was a little too busy for me to have my way with her on the couch. I’d let her unwind for a few and then I would drag her below to satisfy the need I knew we both had.
“Here you go,” I said and handed her the open bottle.
“Are you ready for your presentation?”
“I am.”
“Do you ever get nervous before you do one?”
I shrugged. “Not really. I just say what I know. I don’t try to be flashy. I don’t give them a bunch of bullshit numbers. I give them the facts. They ask questions and I answer. I don’t feel like I have to really sell them anything. I know what I have, and they can take it or leave it. In the long run, they are only hurting themselves if they decide to walk away.”
She grinned. “There’s that cocky side.”
“Sorry. I don’t mean to sound like a prick.”
“You don’t. You are confident. I’m attracted to your confidence.”
“Are you now?” I asked, sitting down next to her and pulling her against me.
“I am,” she whispered, her eyes dropping to my mouth.
I lowered my mouth to hers and gave her a leisurely kiss that left us both panting and wanting more. “Why don’t we go downstairs?” I whispered next to her ear.
“Good plan,” she answered, nipping at my bottom lip. We stood and were halfway down the stairs when my phone rang.
I growled, cursing the interruption. I assumed it was Charlie. I would call him later. I ignored the call until it started ringing right back without leaving a voicemail. “Fuck,” I cursed. “Let me see who it is.”
“I’ll go ahead and get started,” she said with a coy smile as she pulled her shirt from her pants, yanking it over her head.
I looked down at my phone and saw a number I didn’t immediately recognize. Then it hit me. It was an Oregon number. “Hello?”
My dad cleared his throat. “Xander.”
I thought about hanging up immediately. If I didn’t answer, then he couldn’t tell me.
“Dad,” I said. Everything fell into slow motion.
Evie standing topless in front of me faded from my view. I saw nothing. I felt nothing. “Xander, it’s Kade.”
I gulped down the lump in my throat and turned away from Evie. I continued my walk down the stairs and moved to the edge of the room, trying to put some distance between me and her. I needed space. I couldn’t breathe.
“What?” I asked, my throat feeling raw.
There was only one reason my father would call me. He knew it, and I knew it, but I wanted him to say the words. I needed to hear the words, or I wouldn’t believe it.
“There was an accident,” he said, adopting his formal tone. He could have been talking to a complete stranger. It was the same tone he used when my mother passed away and he was making the funeral arrangements.
“And? How bad?”
There was a long silence. With every passing nanosecond, I felt my blood growing colder. I shivered, my cold coming from the inside. “He didn’t make it, son.”
My knees buckled. I quickly regained my composure. I wasn’t sure what made me more emotional, hearing him call me son or the fact that Kade was dead. “How? Is he here?”
“Training accident,” he answered.
“What the fuck?” I breathed. My brain was in turmoil. He had been through war, literal war, and survived with barely a scratch. How the fuck did he die when he was on American soil?
“You know the drill,” he said, sounding exhausted. “They aren’t going to tell me shit. I got the visit and the fucking apologies. I didn’t get answers. The family is the last to know.”
I wanted to know. Was he shot? Did he drown in one of their rigorous water drills? Tank? I wanted to know. I needed to know. “Shot? Was it on base?”
“I don’t know. Not yet. I’m going to make some calls. He was moving into one of those units that doesn’t get to talk a lot.”
I had suspected as much. He never said it, but I knew it was bound to happen. “But he is in the States?” I asked. “Where is he?” It was a stupid detail,
and it didn’t matter, but for some reason, I needed to know.
Once again, he was silent. “He’ll be coming home soon.”
I hated all the questions. I understood it, but I hated it. I craved details. I needed to make sense of it all. I needed facts. I needed to know the how and the why. I needed to know so I could put my grief in a neat little box with the loss of my only brother. Then I would tuck it away and move forward.
“Oregon?” I asked, not sure where Kade was calling home.
“It was his wish,” he replied.
“Okay,” I said. Who was I to argue? I didn’t know Kade’s plan. I didn’t want to know. It made it too real.
“I’m sorry, Xander. Your brother was a good man. A fine Marine.”
“I’m sorry too, Dad.”
“I’ll be in touch.”
I ended the call without another word. I couldn’t speak. There was a lump in my throat so big it was choking me. I tried to swallow it, but it wouldn’t budge. I exhaled before sharply inhaling. The fresh breath helped dislodge the lump.
I knew my dad was hurting. He was taking on a stiff upper lip, but inside, I knew he was crushed. Kade was his favorite. I couldn’t imagine the guilt my dad was suffering. Guilt for pushing Kade into the service. I hoped he was feeling guilty because I was feeling a little pissed. I shouldn’t have lost my little brother.
I pushed the thoughts to the side. I was not going to pull that thread. I was not going to lose my shit and blame my father. It wasn’t his fault. Kade made the choice to be a Marine. I had to respect his choice. He deserved to be honored for the sacrifices he made.
I wasn’t sure if I felt better about him losing his life on American soil or not. Part of me was glad to know he was close but another part of me knew he would have wanted to go out while kicking the enemy’s ass.
I couldn’t think about it. I was bombarded with thoughts and images of Kade. His life was flashing before my eyes. I thought about the last time I saw him. What did I say? What did he say? How fucking horrible was it that I couldn’t remember?
I slowly turned around to find Evie fully dressed once again with her hand over her mouth. I saw the pity in her eyes. I couldn’t deal with it. I didn’t want to see her pity for me. I didn’t want to be pitied.
I wanted to be alone.
Chapter 44
Evie
My heart was shattering into a thousand pieces. The look on his face told me everything I needed to know. I had heard his side of the conversation. I had seen his shoulders slump before he threw them back. He was trying to pull himself together.
“Xander,” I whispered.
He had a blank stare on his face. “I, um, he—”
I felt a tear stream down my face. “Kade?”
He slowly nodded. “Yes.”
I didn’t want to make the wrong assumption, but I was pretty sure I knew what had happened. I wanted to believe I was wrong. I could be wrong. Please, let me be wrong. “Is he, uh, is he—”
“Yes.”
I gasped. Hearing the confirmation made it all real. “I’m sorry,” I breathed before stepping closer.
“It’s fine.”
“Xander, it isn’t fine,” I told him. I put my hand on his arm. He flinched and pulled away. “What can I do?”
“Nothing.”
I could see him shutting down, pulling away. He was crawling into his corner to lick his wounds. “Can I get you a drink?” I offered.
I had no idea how to help him. I was grasping at straws.
“No, thank you.”
“Do you want to go home? I can drive you home.”
“No.”
I could feel the retreat. I wanted to pull him closer. I couldn’t lose him. We had come so far. I didn’t want to lose all our progress. “What can I do?” I asked and reached for his hands. “How can I help?”
He looked at me, but I didn’t know if he really saw me. “I need to be alone.”
Not what I was expecting. “I can help you through this. You shouldn’t be alone. If you don’t want to talk, I understand. We can just sit. I’ll be here for you.”
“No,” he said and pulled his hands away. “I want to be alone. There is nothing you can do to help me.”
“Are you sure? You don’t have to go through this all by yourself. I can be here. I can be a shoulder for you to lean on.”
“I don’t need a shoulder.” He was completely cold and distant.
“Okay,” I said with defeat. “Are you going to stay here?”
“Yes.”
I bit my bottom lip, trying to choose my words carefully. “Please, call me if you need anything. I’m here. I wish I could make you feel better. I don’t know how to do that but offer you support.”
“Evie, I’m sorry, but this is something I need to handle on my own. I don’t want to talk about my feelings and all that shit.”
“All right, I’ll go. Please take care of yourself. Can I call you later?”
“I’ll call you if I need you,” he answered.
It was a no. It was a leave me alone, don’t bother me. I touched his arm once again, doing my best to infuse him with all the strength I possessed. “Goodbye.”
I climbed upstairs and stepped off the boat onto the dock. I looked back, wondering if I was doing the right thing. I should stay with him. I should be tough and tell him he needed me. I couldn’t quite bring myself to defy his wishes. Not at a time when he was already dealing with so much.
I walked to my car with a heavy heart. I didn’t want to be alone. He might be okay with being alone, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t explain why I was feeling such grief. I barely knew the guy. But I felt like I had lost my own brother. I supposed Kade was about the closest I had ever come to having a brother.
I went to Nelle’s bar. It was happy hour. Not that I felt happy, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be too busy. She was leaning on the bar, chatting with an older man I recognized as a regular. She saw me and immediately came toward me. It was only then I realized there were tears streaming down my face.
“Portia, it’s all you,” Nelle hollered to the other bartender as she wrapped her arms around me. Her hug only made the tears come faster. I was beginning to understand why Xander wanted to be alone. I could see her understanding and pity. I was sure I had that same expression.
She guided me toward the back and took me into the small office. “What happened?” she asked. “Xander? Your father? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” She held me by the shoulders and looked me up and down, obviously checking me for injuries.
“I’m fine.”
“Honey, this is not the look of someone who is fine,” she said softly.
I broke into sobs. She quickly rushed to the desk and grabbed a few tissues before coming back to me. I wiped my eyes.
“Kade,” I managed to choke out.
“Kade?” she asked with confusion. “The brother?”
“Yes, he—oh god.” I couldn’t say the words. I felt like I was going to throw up. No matter how hard I tried, the words were stuck.
“He what?” she asked.
“He’s gone.”
“Gone back to an ugly desert far, far away?” she asked. “That’s okay. That’s what he does.”
I shook my head. “Gone,” I said with a gasp. “He died. He’s dead.”
Her mouth fell open. “Oh no. How?”
I shrugged, bursting into a fresh new round of sobs. “I don’t know. Xander wasn’t really in a very talkative mood.”
“Oh my god,” she said again before going to grab a tissue.
I looked at her and saw tears shimmering in her eyes. “Are you okay?” I asked her.
“Yes, I’m just so sad for Xander and you. And maybe a little for me. I know we were only joking but I was really looking forward to meeting the guy.”
I smiled through the tears. “He was such a good guy. I can’t believe he’s gone. It’s strange to think of the man I got to meet now lying dead. He was young and healthy and full of l
ife. It really isn’t fair.”
“Death is rarely fair,” she said. “How is Xander taking it? Did he call you?”
“I was with him. I don’t know how he is taking it. I would say not well. He wanted to be alone. He just totally shut down. I don’t think he wanted to look at me, let alone talk to me. I didn’t want to go, but he made it pretty clear he didn’t want me there. I didn’t want to make it worse.”
“I’m sorry,” she said and gave me a big hug. “I’m sure he wants you with him but he’s in for a bumpy ride. He’s probably just trying to figure out what to think and how to feel. That had to have been a huge blow.”
“It was horrible. The look on his face. It was like he knew before his father even told him.”
“Maybe he had one of those connections with his brother,” she suggested.
I dabbed at my eyes. The worst of the sobbing was over. “I don’t know. I think it was probably hearing his dad’s voice. They don’t talk. When you get a call like that, I think part of you senses what is coming. I can’t say from experience, but I’ve gotten bad news before. There is always this kind of calm that comes over you. He got that weird calmness. Oh, my heart hurts so bad for him. What do I do?”
“All you can do is be there for him. Don’t feel like you have to talk to him and make him talk. Just be there.”
I nodded. “You’re right. I want to do that but what if he doesn’t want me? What if he asks me to leave again?”
“I guess you just have to dole out a little tough love.”
“Maybe I can make him a casserole,” I said, turning to the one thing I did know. Comfort food was called comfort food for a reason.
“He would probably like that.”
“I think he is going to go to his dad’s,” I said as I replayed the conversation in my head.
“That would make sense. Are you going to go with him?”
“Oh shit,” I muttered.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“Tomorrow,” I groaned. “Tomorrow is my dad’s banquet.”
She closed her eyes. “I get it now. Oh shit is right.”
“What am I going to do?” I groaned. “I can’t ditch my dad. He would never forgive me, even if he didn’t technically invite me.”