by Parker, Ali
“No, you can’t,” she agreed. “You could offer to fly up to Oregon on Sunday. Nothing is going to happen before then anyway. My experience with the military is they move a little faster than a snail. They won’t be able to have a funeral for at least a week.”
I put a hand over my eyes. “I just can’t believe it. Dead. It’s so awful. Xander was just telling me he called him and never got a call back. I don’t know why I’m feeling so sad. He wasn’t my brother. I think I’m feeling Xander’s pain for him.”
“I’m sure you are,” she said. “You are definitely an empath. It’s what I love about you.”
“I’m going home. I’m going to try and call Xander and see if he has changed his mind.”
She gave me another hug. “I’m so sorry. Please tell Xander I’m sorry for his loss. It’s a tragedy. You take care of him.”
“I will if he will let me.”
“He will. Just don’t give up on him. You told me he was a hard man. Men aren’t big on the feelings as it is. Make him a casserole and you will have an excuse to go over and see him.”
I grinned. “Good plan. Thank you for talking to me. I’m definitely not a man. I do not internalize anything.”
“Take care of yourself,” she ordered. “I will call and check on you later.”
I left, feeling a little better after crying it out. Xander needed to do the same. A little cry now and again made everyone feel better. I drove home and immediately called Xander. He didn’t pick up. I was feeling very guilty for leaving him alone. On a boat. I winced. That was really not a good idea. I considered going back over there. I would refuse to leave until I got him home and tucked into bed.
That would never work. Xander did what Xander wanted. I picked up my phone to try texting him, hoping he would at least tell me he was okay. I waited with the phone in my hand, staring at the screen. He didn’t text back.
“Shit,” I mumbled. “Xander, please talk to me.”
My phone chirped, alerting me to a text message. I snatched it, hoping it was Xander. It was my dad. It was my official invitation to the banquet. I smirked, shaking my head at the timing. Now my dad was talking to me and Xander wasn’t.
I quickly texted my dad back and let him know I would be there. I had heard people tell me they were torn. I now had a very real understanding of that feeling. I wanted to be with Xander. I wanted to absorb his pain. I also really needed to be there for my father. It was a once in a lifetime award. One he would never get again. Of course, Xander would never lose his brother again.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I shouted at the ceiling.
The timing couldn’t have been worse. I knew that was completely selfish, but it made me want to scream. Instead, I opened my laptop and began to search for flights. Then I realized Oregon was kind of a big place. I had no idea where in Oregon his father lived.
I texted him again, praying he would give me some sign of life.
Chapter 45
Xander
I had yet to sleep. I was afraid to sleep. Every time I stopped moving, I thought about Kade. I had spent some time on the boat and came home sometime around two. Then it was on the treadmill and then for a swim. I didn’t want to stop. Stopping meant thinking. The rational side of me knew I had to think at some point.
My legs felt heavy, a sign my adrenaline was wearing off. Any moment, the crash was going to hit. I had gone through something similar when I lost my mom. Her death was expected. I was prepared for it. It sucked and it hurt but it wasn’t nearly as bad as what I knew waited for me. Kade’s death was going to hit hard. It already did, but instead of letting myself feel that pain, I pushed it away.
I could feel it creeping in now. I climbed the stairs, one heavy footstep at a time, as I made my way to the room he had used when he stayed with me. I walked to the dresser where the picture he had left me was still resting.
I picked up the picture, staring at the image of a time that would always be engraved into my memory. It wasn’t just the memory of the moment but the memory of what he had left me as a reminder of good times. I carried the picture to the bed and sat down on the edge.
I couldn’t believe I would never see his face again. I would never hear him laugh or see him smile. He would never tease me again. It just seemed impossible. Maybe if I went to sleep, I could wake up and discover it was all a really bad nightmare.
The doorbell rang, pulling me from my reverie. I wasn’t up for company. The doorbell rang again, followed by the door opening. I got up, wondering who the hell would dare come into my house. I didn’t have to wonder long.
“Xander?” Evie’s voice echoed off the walls.
I should have texted her back. “Up here,” I said before going downstairs.
“Hi,” she said with a tentative smile.
“Hi.”
“I texted and called, but you didn’t answer. I got worried.”
“I’m fine.”
“Xander, you haven’t slept.”
I frowned. “How do you know?”
“You are wearing the same clothes you had on last night.”
I looked down, only then realizing she was right. “Oh.”
“Have you eaten anything?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Let me make you some breakfast,” she said.
“I’m okay. I’m really not hungry.”
She grabbed my hand and led me into the kitchen. I didn’t have the energy to fight.
“Sit,” she ordered.
I sat down on one of the stools and watched her move around my kitchen. She started coffee before opening the refrigerator.
“I don’t want anything to eat,” I said.
“I know you don’t think you want to eat, but you need to eat.”
“What are you doing?” I asked her.
She put down the carton of eggs and turned to look at me. “I’m making you coffee and breakfast.”
“I don’t want it.”
“Xander, I’m here. I’m going to be here. I can go with you to Oregon. I can stay with you here today. I’m here for you. Whatever you need. I will make sure you eat and sleep and get some rest. You need to rest.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want or need any of that.”
“Baby, you do.” Her voice was soft and sweet. If the situation was different, I would have cherished her kindness. That was not today.
“I don’t,” I insisted. “I have never needed anyone. I have been alone my entire life. I’m better alone. I like being alone.”
“Stop,” she said. “You don’t mean that.”
I scoffed, looking at her through eyes that felt raw and gritty. “I do mean that.”
“Xander, I know you are hurting. I want to help you.”
“No.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Why don’t you go upstairs and shower, and I’ll get you something small for breakfast? A shower and something in your stomach will make you feel a lot better.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to be cruel, but she wasn’t hearing me. She didn’t get it. I didn’t want to be near her. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I sure as hell didn’t want to be taken care of. “Look, I appreciate your effort, I really do, but I want to be alone.”
“You don’t have to be alone.”
“I do. We have had a lot of fun but this thing between us isn’t going to work.”
She stiffened, her head tilting just a little as she looked at me. “What?”
“I was fooling myself. I’m not the guy you think I am. I’m a loner. The only person who has really ever understood who I was and how I was was Kade. Kade got it. He didn’t push and he didn’t try to smother me with attention and affection. He left me alone. That’s what I want. It’s what I have always wanted. I wasn’t born to be the other half to a whole. I’m a lone rider. I always have been, and I always will be.”
She looked down at her feet before her eyes met mine again. “I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true,” I said.
I heard my voice. It was cold and unfeeling. It was how I felt. I had nothing left to give. I was an empty shell and I was convinced I would never feel anything again. It was over for me. My destiny had been written a long time ago and me trying to change it was futile.
“Please,” she whispered. “I know this is the grief talking. Don’t push me away. Don’t shut me out. We will get through this together. You do not have to be alone.”
I let out a sigh. “You are not getting it. I’m doing this for your own good. I’m not a man you want to be with. Trust me. Your father was right. I’m never going to be the guy that dotes on you and treasures your love. I don’t love. I don’t know how to love. If we had a relationship, it would be all one-sided. You would be putting in all the work. It would be a pointless exercise in futility. Just walk away.”
“I can’t walk away. I don’t back down from a challenge.”
“This isn’t a challenge you can win. It will only hurt you in the long run. Walk away. I don’t want this. We’ve had a good time, but it’s time to get back to reality. This thing between us is finished.”
“No.”
That was not what I expected. “Evie, this isn’t something you can reject.”
“Yes, it is. You are in a lot of pain right now. You are a wounded animal lashing out. I won’t let you push me away when you need me the most.”
“You are wrong!”
“I’m not wrong.”
“I want to be alone. I don’t want to be a dick, but I need you to leave.”
I could see the emotions running through her. I was being harsh. It seemed to be the only thing that worked. She was too fucking stubborn. “I will give you some time today, but I’m not going to abandon you.”
“I will never love you,” I told her and got to my feet. “I know that’s what you think this is, but it isn’t. I don’t love. I’m not wired like that. Your father warned you. He told you I was selfish and self-absorbed. As much as I hate to say your father was right, he was. I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy to love another person. I don’t want to try. I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m really not trying to do that, but it’s better if this ends now before things really get serious.”
“Don’t do this,” she whispered. “Don’t say something you will regret.”
“I never do,” I answered matter-of-factly. “This is who I am.”
“I refuse to believe that,” she shot back. She said the words with firmness, but I could see her bottom lip quivering.
“I’m sorry, but this is for the best. Please, just go. Leave me alone. I have things to do and I don’t need a tagalong. I don’t need you worrying about me. I’m fine. This thing I have to do does not involve you.”
She used the heel of her hand to wipe away a tear that had slid out from her eye. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I do.”
“You don’t. You know I can help. You know I’m able to handle this. You know you are different with me.”
I smirked. “Maybe, but that doesn’t change who I am at my very core. Look at the last couple of weeks, Evie. I have barely paid you any attention. I’ve been caught up in my work. That’s who I am. I don’t think about others. I don’t return phone calls when I should. I don’t make time for people. I do what I want. What you experienced the last couple of weeks, that’s who I really am. If Kade was here, he would tell you the same thing. He was my only fucking brother and I was too busy to call him or visit him. That’s the man I am. Now go.”
She wiped her cheeks again, her eyes flashing pain and anger. “I’ll go, but I’m not giving up on you. You better believe that. I won’t intrude on your grief, but I will be here. I will call you and I will check in on you. Believe it or not, I know better.”
I turned and walked out of the kitchen without saying a word. I couldn’t stand to look at her and see her pain. Pain I had caused. I heard the front door close a minute later and breathed a sigh of relief. She was gone. I didn’t want her around me. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want her to feel the sting of my rejection and the absence of my attention when I ignored her.
Like Kade. My little brother had reached out over and over, and I always had one excuse or another for why I couldn’t see him. He called me from fucking Afghanistan, and I was too busy to talk. That was a shitty brother. That was a shitty man. Evie was a good woman and deserved so much more than I could offer.
I walked out to the patio, and my gaze focused on the ocean. I remembered Kade standing in the exact same spot and daydreaming. I had known then he was dealing with some shit, but instead of asking him if he was okay or if he wanted to talk, I ignored the feelings. I didn’t want to know what was bothering him.
My phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I couldn’t deal with anyone else. I pulled the damn thing out of my pocket and threw it into the swimming pool. I’d said I wanted to be alone. Why was that so fucking hard for people to understand?
I wanted to run. I wanted to strip away everything and just run. I turned to look down at the beach. It wasn’t too packed. I went back inside, took the stairs two at a time, and stripped off the clothes from yesterday. I pulled on a pair of shorts and my tennis shoes, not bothering with a shirt.
I headed out of the house, ignoring the coffee cooling on the counter and the carton of eggs still sitting out. I didn’t stop moving. I practically ran down the steep stairs, hit the sandy beach, and started to run.
I ran until my legs burned. The exhaustion from no sleep was gone. I felt a new adrenaline rush as my legs ate up the distance.
At some point, I got hot. Too hot and I did the only thing I could think of to cool down. I ran into the ocean, shoes and all. I dove under, letting the water wash over me and pull me down.
I wanted to stay under the water forever. My body emerged from the salty water. I took several long breaths before diving back down and extending my arms. I wanted to float away. I wanted to get away from the pain. I begged the ocean to do that for me.
Chapter 46
Evie
I slowly dressed, reaching for the zipper that ran up the side of the blue gown I was wearing to my father’s award ceremony. My arms felt heavy and my fingers felt like they didn’t want to work. The very last thing I wanted to do was get dressed up. My heart was broken. It literally felt broken in my chest. I stepped in front of the mirror and grimaced when I saw my puffy eyes and pale complexion.
Tonight was going to require extra makeup. I didn’t want my father to see my suffering. Tonight was his night. I would not ruin it for him. I would sit at his table, a place of honor, and smile. I would drink champagne and make small talk with the other people seated at our table. I would play the gracious daughter and make my father proud.
I carefully put on my makeup, hiding the dark circles under my eyes and doing my best to make my complexion look bright and healthy. I left my hair down and put on some very simple jewelry. It took every ounce of energy I had to get ready. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry my eyes out.
I kept telling myself Xander was worth crying over. A man that said those things wasn’t worth a single tear, but he was worth it. I knew his words came from a place of immense pain. “No excuse,” I said as looked myself directly in the eye in my bathroom mirror. “Don’t make excuses for him.”
I stepped away from the mirror, grabbed my purse, and headed to the hotel where the banquet was being held. I took a deep breath before stepping inside the ballroom. I scanned the room, looking for the table. As expected, it was near the front of the room. I hoped to sneak in, take my seat, and go unnoticed. I didn’t want to mingle. I would, but I didn’t want to do it if I didn’t have to.
I sat down at the empty table, thankful I didn’t have to smile and introduce myself. I was delivered a glass of champagne, which I eagerly accepted. After the first sip, I realized it was not what I wanted. The bubbles felt like little drops of acid in my stomach.
“Thank you for coming,” I heard my father’s voice
behind me.
Showtime. I got up. “Hi, Dad.” I greeted him with a smile before hugging him. “I wouldn’t miss this.”
“You look lovely tonight. I’m so glad you are here.”
I forced another smile. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
He studied me with his eyes that always saw too much. “What’s wrong?”
I tried to play it off. “Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Evie, I know when you’ve been crying,” he said, gently pushing me back into my chair before sitting in the one next to mine.
“Allergies,” I lied.
“Evie, you don’t have allergies.”
I sighed and stared down at the napkin on the table. “You were right, Dad. I should have listened to you.”
“I’m usually right about most things. You’ll need to be more specific.”
It was supposed to be a joke. I knew he was trying to make me feel better. I wasn’t sure it was working. “Xander.”
It was his turn to let out a long sigh. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to be right. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”
I shrugged. “Well, I did, and I have no one to blame but myself. I should have listened to you. I got caught up and didn’t see who he was.”
“What happened?” he asked in a gentle voice.
I could feel the tears burning the backs of my eyes. I did not want to ruin my makeup. I looked up at the ceiling, swallowing several times and taking several cleansing breaths. When I managed to push the emotions away, I looked at him. “His brother died. His only brother. He was in the Marines. I’m not sure what happened, but he died, and Xander wants to be alone. He ordered me to leave him alone. I wanted to help him. I know he’s suffering, and I just wanted to help.”
My father’s face fell. “Oh my. That is awful.”
“It is awful. I met his brother when he was home on leave recently. He is—was—so full of life. I really liked him. I know Xander loved him.”