Let Me In

by Parker, Ali

  I barely listened as one man after another wearing dress blues spoke about him, applauding his bravery and courage. They all knew a different man than I did. They all called him their brother. I felt a twinge of jealousy as I realized many of them were probably closer to him than his real brother.

  About a minute into the slideshow, I realized I’d had enough. I couldn’t watch his life play out in a chronological order. Every picture was a memory. A reminder that we would never have another memory together.

  “I need to go,” I said and began to move.

  Evie’s hand gripped mine as we made our way out of the funeral home. I burst through the door, dragging in deep breaths of fresh air. The air inside the funeral home smelled like grief. The sniffles and the sight of hardened Marines crying was too much for me to take.

  “Are you okay?” Evie asked.

  That was a strange question to me. “No, I’m not okay.”

  “Would you like to talk about it?”

  “No, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it.”

  “Okay. Would you like to go for a walk?”

  I looked up and down the street lined with cars. “A lot of people loved him,” I said.

  “Yes, they did.”

  “I’m glad. I’m glad to know he had that many people in his life that cared about him.”

  “Just because there are a lot of people that loved and cared about him, it doesn’t mean your relationship or your love for him didn’t matter. You were important to him. I only got to know him for a very brief time, but I know he loved you.”

  “But did he know how I felt about him?” I asked.

  “I think he did. He knew you very well, even if you don’t think he did.”

  “I don’t know,” I murmured. “I just wish I could talk to him one more time. I want to tell him all the things I should have said when he was here. I want to apologize for not dropping everything and coming up here to visit him. I took him for granted.”

  “Xander, you are not the first person to realize they should have done this or should have said that when a loved one passes away unexpectedly. We know we should do better, and yet, we rarely do. Trust that he knew you cared about him. Don’t try to add to your grief. Just accept the fact that he loved you and you loved him and you both knew it.”

  I wanted to believe her, but my heart wasn’t there yet. “Thanks.”

  “Would you like to go get something to eat?”

  “No, I hate to say this, but I really would just like to be alone. I appreciate you coming all the way here, but I don’t feel like doing anything. I just want to hibernate.”

  She nodded without arguing. “Okay. I’ll be in town.”

  “You will?”

  “I have a room nearby. Do you have your phone?”

  “I do.”

  “Same number?”

  I felt a little guilty for not texting her back. That was a dick move. “Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t text back. I’ve just been trying to figure shit out.”

  “It’s fine. I’ll text you the hotel and my room number. You don’t have to text me back. You’ll have the information if you want it. No pressure.”

  “Thanks. Really, thank you for coming. It helped.”

  “You are welcome. That’s what friends are for.”

  “Did you drive? Can I give you a ride to your hotel?”

  “I rented a car,” she answered.

  “Me too.”

  “I’ll let you go. Please call if you need anything. I’m here Xander. I’m here for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to kiss her goodbye or leave it. It felt weird. I felt weird. I didn’t have to worry about it for long. She turned and walked away, leaving me alone on the sidewalk.

  Chapter 50

  Evie

  I wrapped my hair up in a towel and pulled on my panties before walking into the room. I had waited all night for Xander to call. He never did, but he texted me a couple times to let me know he was okay. That was enough for me.

  I was going to catch a flight home tomorrow. I wanted to give him one more day, just in case he changed his mind and needed me.

  I flipped on the TV just to have a little noise in the room. It was going to be a warm day—in the eighties. I laughed out loud. That was an average to cool day where we were from. I stepped back into the bathroom to brush my teeth and was just rinsing out the last bit when I heard a knock on the hotel room door.

  I froze, looking down at my undressed body and panicked. I rushed into the room, yanked on a pair of shorts, and managed to pull a T-shirt over my head with the towel still holding up my thick hair. I looked through the peephole to find Xander standing at the door, hands in his pockets.

  I jerked open the door. “You’re here. Did you text?”

  “No, I thought I would surprise you.”

  “Come in,” I said, feeling a little flustered. “You did surprise me.”

  “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

  “Absolutely not,” I told him. “I’m glad to see you. How are you feeling?”

  “Good. Fine. Do you have plans for today?”

  “Nope, I am at your disposal. I’m here for you and you alone.”

  “I was thinking we could go out on the town today,” he said.

  “I’d like that. I hear it’s supposed to be a warm one today.”

  He laughed. “It is much cooler up here.”

  “I like it,” I told him. “I can see the appeal.”

  He gave me a onceover. “We can go down to the beach, check out some of the tourist traps, and just have some fun.”

  “That sounds amazing.”

  “I’d like to take you to the best seafood restaurant in town. You will never want to eat clam chowder anywhere else.”

  I smiled, happy to see him behaving so normally. That was a positive sign. “I’ll get dressed.”

  “You are dressed,” he said with a smile.

  He had a sense of humor once again. “True, but I think shoes would be good and I should probably remove the towel.”

  “I suppose if you want to be fancy,” he said with a soft smile.

  “Give me five minutes. Have a seat. Change the station if you want.”

  I disappeared into the bathroom to quickly towel dry my hair before pulling it into a messy bun for the day. I put on a little makeup and called it good before digging in my suitcase for a pair of sandals.

  Xander was sitting on the small balcony that had a view of the ocean, if one tried really hard to see it through the buildings and trees.

  “Ready,” I declared.

  He got up and came into the room. I could see he was still carrying that heavy weight of grief but was trying hard not to show it. My heart ached for him. It was clear he wanted to ignore the reason we were in Oregon. He was making it into a little vacation. I could go with that. I could pretend right alongside him if that was what he needed.

  We left the hotel with him driving us down to the waterfront area. We walked around the many shops that essentially sold the same old T-shirts and other items advertising a person had visited the Oregon beach. He didn’t talk and I didn’t push him.

  “This is the restaurant I was talking about,” he said.

  “I’m excited to taste this food you’ve raved about,” I told him, trying to stay upbeat.

  We took a table outside. Thankfully, the bulk of the lunch rush was over. “Don’t take this the wrong way,” he said after a few minutes of silence between us. “But why are you here?”

  “I told you I’m here for you.”

  “I know how busy you are. Why would you leave your work behind?”

  “Because I wanted to be here for you. I have coworkers that can pick up the slack. I worked when I got back to my room yesterday. It’s fine.”

  “I really do appreciate you being here.”

  “You are very welcome. If the roles were reversed, I know I would have liked having you aro
und for me.”

  That seemed to confuse him. “I would,” he said. “I would be there for you.”

  “Thank you. Hopefully, this situation is never repeated.”

  “I’m sorry for the way my dad talked to you yesterday,” he said.

  “Don’t apologize for your father,” I told him. “Your father is grieving.”

  He made a choking noise. “That’s his normal attitude. He hates me and anyone I associate with.”

  “He can’t possibly hate you,” I insisted.

  “He does. Trust me. He does.”

  “Grief is notorious for turning families against each other. It’s an evil little demon that worms into a person’s heart and soul. Grief rips your heart out and twists up all of your emotions. I’m sure he needs some time to process everything. Then he will be in a better place to talk.”

  “No, I’m serious. That was a normal conversation between us. He doesn’t like me.”

  I felt my battered heart breaking all over again. “I am sorry. It’s so hard for me to get my head around that. You’re a good person. He should be proud of you.”

  “But I’m not a Marine or a Navy man. I’m not even a soldier. He would have tolerated me going into the Army, but Kade and I were groomed to become Marines or sailors from the moment we took our first breaths. I bucked tradition. I tarnished the family name. Apparently, our family’s military service goes back to the days of the Civil War, according to my father.”

  “That’s impressive.”

  “And I fucked it up,” he replied without any real shame.

  “You did nothing of the kind. You put your family’s name on the map as one of the leaders of the future. Be proud of what you have accomplished. Don’t let him take that away.”

  “I say that all the time, but it never really seems to sink in. Then I see him, and I remember why. The man is hard. He doesn’t pull any punches.”

  “His opinion is his alone. He has a right to it, but it doesn’t make it right. Not even a little bit right.”

  He seemed to brush it off. He took a drink and stared out at the water. The man drew strength from the ocean. He was a modern-day Merman. I watched as he collected his thoughts. His face, that had moments earlier revealed a hint of the pain he felt, was now devoid of all emotion.

  “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “There’s nothing that will bring me back here. He said what he needed to and that’s that. Without Kade, there is nothing left between us. I won’t have to listen to him and his ugly comments.”

  I felt the familiar twisting low in my gut. I could not begin to imagine the pain he was enduring. My father and I had been at odds for a few weeks and it turned me inside out. I knew my father loved me. Xander didn’t believe his father loved him.

  “You are a good man,” I said again. I felt like I needed to say it a million times to make him believe it. “You are good and worthy, and you would make any father proud.”

  “Not any father. Not mine.”

  “He can’t see it but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I see it. I know you are smart, capable, and generous.”

  “Thank you. I’ve made it this far in life without his support. I don’t need him.”

  “You have me, for what it’s worth,” I said.

  “It’s worth a lot,” he said, looking directly into my eyes. “It means more than anything.”

  I smiled, feeling like I had just won a gold medal. “Good.”

  “Let’s do something we have never done,” he said.

  I raised an eyebrow. “Dare I even ask?” I teased before remembering this was not an appropriate time to flirt.

  He didn’t seem to mind. “I want to take you to dinner. A nice dinner.”

  “When?”

  “Tonight,” he answered.

  “I’m going to have to do a little shopping,” I told him.

  “Shopping?”

  “I brought the one funeral outfit and casual wear. I need something nice to wear for our dinner.”

  He shook his head. “You don’t have to do that. We’ll keep it casual.”

  “Oh no, you don’t,” I said with a laugh. “You don’t get to dangle that carrot and then pull it away. I want to do dinner with you and I want to wear a pretty dress.”

  “Then, by all means,” he said with that familiar smile I had been missing for too long. “Would you like me to help you pick something out?”

  “Absolutely not. I want to surprise you. This is an official date, right?”

  “It is.”

  “Then as soon as we are finished with our lunch, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ditch you.”

  As if the waiter knew exactly when to deliver our meals, they appeared at our table. I was already trying to plan my outfit. There wasn’t a lot of shopping to be had in the small, coastal town, but I was confident I could find something. I wanted to knock his socks off. I wanted to make him want me. I wanted to remind him how good we were together before he cut and run.

  We got through lunch, which was just as good as he promised it would be. “I’ll see you at six,” he said when he pulled to a stop in front of my hotel.

  “I’ll be ready and waiting. Don’t stand me up.”

  He grinned. “I wouldn’t even think about it.”

  I hopped out of the car, went directly to my own rental car, and set off in search of the perfect dress. I hated that I didn’t have my expansive selection of dresses from my closet. I reassured myself a new dress was appropriate for the occasion. It was a new start to our relationship. Yes, I was totally getting ahead of myself, but I felt like we had turned a corner.

  He was accepting me into his life and I was not going to forget what he said yesterday. He’d introduced me as his girlfriend. I was holding on to that with a white-knuckled grip. I was going to be his girlfriend. At least until he decided otherwise. I knew it was likely said as a defensive mechanism and he probably didn’t actually mean it, but a girl could dream.

  I would show him what it would be like to be my boyfriend. The moment I thought it, the familiar panic welled up inside me. Commitment was a big C word. I didn’t like to use it. I was the one who said we needed to remain friends and here I was, trying to be his girlfriend.

  I needed my head examined. Later. For tonight, I wanted to experience what it would be like to be his. I decided to think of it as a trial run. If it worked, great. If it didn’t, we could still be friends with an occasional side of sex hopefully.

  Chapter 51

  Xander

  I was probably fucking myself over with this, but I was going to do it anyway. I couldn’t resist her.

  I thought I was over it. I’d ended things with her, but damn, the woman was stubborn. She didn’t take no for an answer, and quite honestly, I was glad she didn’t.

  The rest of my life was imploding. I wanted to hold on to her for just a little longer. I knew it would never work long term, but having her near right then felt good.

  I didn’t want to admit I needed her. Technically, I didn’t need her in the sense I wouldn’t survive without her, but if she was here and offering her company, why not take it? It would ease my misery for a bit. I didn’t have to commit to anything. We were having fun. We were friends. Casual friends. Nothing more.

  Then why did I introduce her as my girlfriend?

  That was a problem to be handled another day. I stepped off the elevator and walked down the quiet hall of her hotel until I came to her room door. I knocked, and when she opened the door, I felt my breath whoosh from my lungs.

  “Holy shit,” I said, barely managing to get the words out.

  She looked down at herself and then me. “I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad statement.”

  “It’s a very good statement. Holy shit.”

  She smiled. “You said that already.”

  I couldn’t believe my eyes. I knew she was beautiful. I knew her body was rockin’ but seeing all her curves hugged and plumped in the red dress that was tight in all the right plac
es was an assault on my senses in the best way possible. It was very Jessica Rabbit. All I could think about was stripping the dress from her body.

  “You are hot. Gorgeous. I feel privileged to be the man taking you to dinner.”

  Her pretty smile created a stirring in my gut. If I stepped inside the room, we were going to miss dinner. I’d promised her dinner and I was going to damn well make sure she got to eat. All bets were off after dinner.

  “Thank you,” she answered with a little extra pink in her cheeks.

  “Are you ready?”

  “I am.”

  She grabbed her purse and we headed out. There were few fine dining choices to choose from, but I found one. I put my hand on the small of her back and gently guided her through the restaurant. I realized my chest was puffed out with pride.

  Why not? I was with the most beautiful woman in the room. Hell, the state.

  We sat down and ordered a glass of wine to go with our appetizer of stuffed mushrooms. “I know I asked you yesterday, but how did you find me?”

  “I’m almost afraid to tell you.”

  “Why?”

  Her eyes flashed with mischief. “Because there could have been a crime committed. I would hate to incriminate the other parties involved.”

  I was intrigued. “Now you have to tell me.”

  She looked guilty. “I asked my dad for some help.”

  “How would your dad know where I was?”

  She bit her lower lip, her pretty little nose wrinkling. “Your school files.”

  I raised both brows. “What?”

  “I was desperate. I didn’t want to spend days calling every hotel in the city.”

  “Your dad broke into my school file?”

  “Not exactly.”

  I could tell by her reaction there was more to the story. “Evie, what did you do?”

  “My dad offered to do it, but when I realized just what I was proposing, I made him give me his password. Then I made him go get coffee while I did the deed.”

  I couldn’t stop smiling. “You broke the law?”