That got my attention. “Why, then?” I asked more quietly.
“Because it made my relationship with Connor feel like a fucking farce. The way I feel about you? I never felt anything like that for him. Maybe I could have been happy with him, but I’ll never know, because he’s dead.
“And that’s my fault. I’m the one who wanted the destination wedding. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to reconcile the reality that I never would have met you if my whole family wasn’t dead? I’m not justifying my running. I’m just telling you why I did.”
Well, that showered me with a monsoon of perspective. Trey’s appearance would have brought all her guilt to the forefront. And the memorial service and the estate gave her the perfect escape. It would have been extremely difficult to handle.
I sighed. “I can understand why you went. But I still wish we could have talked it out before. The last three weeks were shitty.”
“And I’m sorry for that. It was the same for me. I’d change it if I could.”
“How do I know you won’t do it again? How am I supposed to trust you after this?”
Her gaze dropped; when she looked up, her eyes were shiny with unshed tears. “The only way is time, I guess. Will you give me that? I’m sure you have more questions, and I’ll answer them all if it will help. I’ll do whatever you need me to—even if it means giving you space.”
This was way more difficult than I expected it to be. “No thanks on the space. I’ve had enough of that—but I don’t think we can just pick things up where we left off.”
“I’m inclined to agree. So where does that leave us?”
“I have no idea. This isn’t something I’ve done before.”
“Me either. Not really, anyway.” She ducked her head.
“Is there a story behind that?”
“Yes. But the ending isn’t very nice.”
So it had to do with Connor. “You planning to tell it anyway?”
“Do you want me to?”
I wasn’t so sure now was the best time. “Maybe later.”
Her shoulders sagged with relief. “Okay. What now, then?”
I glanced at the clock. It was almost noon. “I’ve got to go to work in an hour, but we could go somewhere and get breakfast first.”
“You’d want that?” She gave me that shy, little smile I liked so much.
“Yeah. I’m gonna shower first, though.”
“I should probably do the same.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask her to join me, but then I figured it might not be the best idea. Showering included nudity, which would inevitably lead to sex. While I wanted that with a desperation that bordered on pathetic, it wasn’t smart. It would feel good, fantastic even, but my head was already too mixed up.
Getting to the shower without Tenley’s noticing my massive hard-on was going to be an epic feat, though.
“Wait.” Tenley grabbed my arm as I threw one leg over the side of the bed.
“Yeah?”
“Maybe I could—”
“I don’t think—”
Her intentions were obvious. “I just want—”
“—it’s a good idea—”
“—to kiss you.”
She didn’t give me a chance to argue. Her hands smoothed over my shoulders and up the sides of my neck. Her touch was exactly the balm I craved, and I loathed my weakness for her. When she leaned in, I gave her my cheek.
She dropped her hands and sat back on her heels, looking at me with sad longing. “You don’t want to kiss me?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“It’s just a kiss. I’m not expecting more.”
She made it sound so innocent, but I knew better. Last night when she’d kissed me, I ended up dry-humping her. And we both had more clothing on then. “We’re in my bed and you’re only wearing a shirt. You may not have expectations, but I don’t have much in the way of restraint right now.”
“You don’t need to restrain yourself for my benefit.”
“I’m still mad at you.” There was no point in denying it.
“I know.” Her fingers drifted along my jaw. “And I understand if you can’t forgive me yet.”
“It’s probably going to take a while.”
“I expect so.” She leaned in again, slowly, until she was only an inch away from my mouth.
I regarded her with wary anticipation. “Making out isn’t going to fix things.”
“No, but it might help alleviate some of the tension.”
Her lips touched mine. She met no resistance so she did it again, going to the left side, to the viper bites.
“I missed your mouth,” she said, nipping her way along.
I groaned in response and she tilted her head to the side, her tongue flicking across the seam of my mouth, a tentative request for access. One hand left my neck and glided down my arm. She stroked along my fingers until they unfurled from the fist I was making.
“It’s okay to touch me,” she said.
“It’s really not a good idea,” I muttered.
She ignored me, though, and moved my not-so-reluctant palm to her hip. I gripped the shirt and it bunched tight, conforming to the dip in her waist and the swell of her breasts. It didn’t at all help my conviction to postpone sexual gratification. Until maybe tonight. After I had the day to process all the shit we’d talked about in the past twelve hours.
“I missed the way you taste.” Her tongue pressed forward, all soft exploration and warm, languid sweeps.
Conflicted though I might be, my body was all for getting close to her. And the closer the better, as far as my dick was concerned. My brain appeared to have migrated south and didn’t see any problem with where we were headed.
Tenley’s hands were on the move again. The one against my neck slid higher into my hair. Her fingers curled and tugged, angling my head to the side. The other one went on a tour over my forearm, up my biceps to my shoulder, then down my chest. She paused at the barbell, her index finger drawing circles before she continued her downward trajectory. The descent stopped at the waistband, where she started tracing the perimeter, back and forth, over and over.
I tensed when her fingers dipped past the elastic barrier, so fucking close to the head of my cock. Contact from the waist up was manageable; anything below and I was liable to drop the pretense of civility. “I thought you didn’t expect more.”
Her fingers stilled. “Do you want me to stop touching you?”
“I don’t know.” Which was a stupid thing to say because I sure as hell didn’t want her to stop. Not one little fucking bit.
She retracted her fingers and settled her palm on my chest, pushing me down on the bed. Her hair fanned out over my chest, tickling the skin as she kept up with the kissing, teasing soft nips interspersed with mind-bending strokes of tongue. Eventually I snaked my hand around the back of her neck and drew her closer.
She shifted around, bracing her weight on one arm, then she started up with the touching again. And stupid fucking me soaked it up. I’d been deprived for too long. The slow progression from my arm to my shoulder, over my chest down to the waistband, and then back up was infuriating. My hips shifted of their own accord, seeking what I was denying us both. She brushed my erection through the fabric.
And I snapped.
In a smooth surge, I wound an arm around her waist and rolled on top of her, settling between her thighs. Even through the thin cotton I could feel the heat and wetness, welcoming me home. I fumbled with the hem of her shirt and yanked it up. She started to pull it over her head, but I swatted her hands out of the way. She might have started this, but I was going to finish it.
Fuck waiting. Fuck necessary conversations. Fuck getting the answers. I ran my palms heavily along her ribs, to the soft swell of her breasts. The barbells were fully healed now, so there was no need to be gentle. I dropped my head and sucked the taut skin into my mouth. Her hands went to my hair, pulling me closer as she arched under me. I bit dow
n, probably harder than I should have, and she gasped.
“I told you it wasn’t a good idea, but you didn’t listen, did you?” I was rerouting the anger into sexual aggression. I shifted in the cradle of her hips; my erection nestled right where I wanted it.
“I’m sorry. I missed you.” Her hands moved down my back and under the waistband, nails digging into my ass.
“Then you should have come back sooner.”
“I wanted to.”
“I don’t want lip service. You shouldn’t have left me here without any fucking clue as to why you were gone. You should have done something about it.”
“Then let me show you.” Tenley tried to slip a hand between us and get to my cock.
“Oh, no, you don’t.” I threaded my fingers through hers and brought her arm up over her head, pinning it to the bed, and did the same with the other one, clasping them together with one hand so I had the other one free. “I’ll give it to you when I’m damn good and ready.”
With a quick shove I pushed my pants down to free my aching erection. Then I shifted my hips back, my cock sliding along her slick skin. I kept it up for a long time, until she was panting and moaning. Every time she got close to an orgasm, I stopped. Then I resumed the slow glide until I was on the verge of coming myself. I slid lower, the head nudging past her entrance. I stopped.
“Please, Hayden.” Her eyes were glassy, her cheeks flushed. She struggled against the hold I had on her hands.
“Please what?” I asked tightly.
“I need you. Please.” Some of the heat in her gaze evaporated. “I never stopped wanting you while I was gone. I just didn’t think I deserved you.”
Relief replaced the near-violent fear that had settled under my skin. Her admission made me powerless against the covetousness to reclaim what was mine. I pushed forward and Tenley lifted her hips as my piercing eased past the threshold. I closed my eyes as the sensation of being connected to her like this again consumed every rational thought. I wanted it to erase all the hurt and the pain, but instead it reminded me of how alone I’d been without her, and how I never wanted to go through that again.
I released her hands and they immediately smoothed down my back and up again, clinging to my shoulders. Then I started a heavy fill and retreat. As I picked up momentum, Tenley’s legs tightened around my waist. I was far from gentle, slamming into her relentlessly. With grim satisfaction I watched her come apart underneath me, over and over again, her eyes never leaving mine. When the lick of fire shot down my spine, I buried my face in her neck even as she pleaded with me to look at her. I couldn’t handle being that transparent, so I denied her. I came so hard, I nearly blacked out.
9
TENLEY
We never made it out for breakfast. And Hayden was late for work.
“You’re going to come in and say hi to everyone, right?” he asked as we passed through the lobby of his building.
“Maybe I should wait until later,” I replied hesitantly. The sex left me feeling awkward and did nothing to assuage the strain lingering between us as we walked side by side, not touching.
“They’ve all missed you, too. It wasn’t just me you left behind.”
The reminder of the pain I’d caused brought on a fresh wave of remorse. I’d exchanged one guilt for another, but at least I had some control over this situation. This I could fix. Hopefully.
“Okay. I’ll come with you.”
His shoulders relaxed and he took my hand. I imagined the pendulum swing of his moods would continue as we sorted through the emotional turmoil I’d created.
We stepped out into the cold afternoon and headed right, passing the storefronts at street level. Hayden had the shortest commute in the world. I glanced at Serendipity, across the street. I’d need to go there next and face Cassie.
The door tinkled as we entered Inked Armor, and silence fell over the shop.
“Hi,” I said meekly as Lisa and Jamie stared. Surprisingly, neither looked all that shocked to see me.
Lisa shot up and came barreling toward me from behind the cash register. “I’m so glad you’re home! When did you get back?” She threw her arms around me, squeezing the breath out of my lungs.
“Late last night.” I returned the embrace.
“You should have sent me a message,” she whispered, too low for anyone else to hear. Lisa was the only one I’d kept in constant contact with. And only because she’d sent me persistent messages the whole time. She was a difficult one to ignore. I squeezed her arm, so she knew I heard her.
“He knows we were all in touch with you,” she murmured, then stepped back. “You’ve lost weight,” she said with disapproval. “And what happened to your face?”
“It’s not a big deal.” I glanced toward the back of the shop, where her office and the private rooms were. I needed to get her alone so I could ask how Hayden found out. It would explain his comment last night and why my silence was so upsetting, beyond the obvious reasons.
Lisa’s eyes moved surreptitiously to Hayden. He crossed his arms over his chest and dropped his head, eyes on the floor. I was sure as soon I left she would ask him all the questions she couldn’t ask me.
Jamie saved me from further interrogation by drawing me in for a hug of his own. “You’ve been sorely missed.”
Chris came out of the supply room when he heard all the commotion, laden down with an armful of supplies. “Tee! You’re back!” He dropped the supplies on the closest surface and lifted me right off my feet. “It’s good to see you, girl.” He set me down. “Sarah tried to call you last night, after she listened to your messages. It’s my fault she missed them in the first place.” He gave me a sheepish smile.
I laughed, even though tears slid down my cheeks. Lisa grabbed me a tissue and Hayden put a protective arm around my shoulder, pressing his nose into my damp hair. “Too much, too soon?” he asked.
“A little overwhelmed is all,” I replied, embarrassed.
“You’re not alone there,” he whispered.
While it was good to see them, conversation was a bit strained; they obviously had questions they didn’t feel comfortable asking yet.
When Chris’s first client arrived, I took the opportunity to make an exit. “I’ve got some things to take care of today.” But Hayden and I had been in such a rush to get out the door, we hadn’t discussed when we’d get together again.
Hayden shoved his hands in his pockets, rocking back on his heels. “I’ve got a break between clients around five. Why don’t you come back then? Unless you’re busy with whatever.” He kicked the toe of my shoe with his.
“No, I’m not busy. Maybe we could get something to eat.”
Hayden nodded. “Yeah. Okay. Food would be good. And I’ll need to pick up my car at some point.”
“I’ll take you,” I offered.
“Sure.”
“I’m going to stop in and see Cassie. Can I bring you something back from the café?” The conversation was terribly uncomfortable, especially with Lisa and Chris and Jamie all pretending they weren’t listening. Chris was the only one who was actually occupied with something legitimate, but even he kept glancing in our direction.
“I’m good. My client will be here any minute.”
“Okay. I’ll see you a little later, then.”
“Yup.”
I waited for some parting gesture of affection—even just a peck on the cheek—but none came. I turned toward the door, disappointed by his dismissal.
“Tenley?”
I looked over my shoulder. “Yes?”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” The keys for my apartment dangled from his finger.
“Right. Of course.”
He placed them in my palm and closed my fist around them. There was a pause, and then he yanked me forward. His hand slipped around the back of my neck and his mouth came down, hard and insistent. His tongue shot between my lips, an echo of the aggression in his bed less than an hour ago. When he was done, he rel
eased me. I stumbled back; light-headed and off-balance.
“Don’t go far,” he said darkly.
“I won’t. I promise.”
But I could tell he didn’t believe me.
My next stop was Serendipity. I was nervous about seeing Cassie. Her concern about my abrupt departure was clear in our brief e-mails. She never mentioned how Hayden was doing, even though I asked both times. At first I assumed it was because of her loyalty to him, but after seeing him fall apart last night and this morning, I was no longer convinced that was the case. I’d broken him, and I was sure she wanted me to realize that on my own.
The bell above the door chimed and her head lifted. Disbelief flickered across her face, as well as the same wary uncertainty I’d seen on Hayden’s. “You’re back.”
It was the new greeting.
“I got in last night.”
“Does Hayden know?”
“He’s the first person I saw.” Well, that was mostly true.
“How is he?”
“Confused. Hurt. Angry. Relieved, maybe? We had a long talk last night, and again this morning.”
“He hasn’t managed this well.” Accusation was in her tone.
“I know. Neither have I.” Her disapproval hurt. She had given me fair warning early on about Hayden. She would hold me accountable for what I’d put him through.
She slipped off the chair and came out from behind the counter. “Come here.”
Her embrace was exactly what I needed; it held her forgiveness. I wanted to apologize, but I didn’t know where to start.
“I didn’t mean to hurt him. Or anyone.”
“I’m certain that’s true.” Her hands rested on my shoulders. “And now that you’ve seen what it’s done to him, I’m also very sure you won’t ever do it again.”
A silent or else was tacked on at the end, but I took no offense. I expected nothing less from her.
After I left Serendipity I went to my apartment. Sarah’s car wasn’t in the driveway, but exams were this week, so she could well be in the middle of one. I hadn’t thought to ask Chris while I was at Inked Armor.
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