Don’t Forget to Remember Me

by Kahlen Aymes

  “I figured it out because something just told me to make them.”

  “I’m glad you did. I miss you. So much.” My heart squeezed as the words ripped out of him involuntarily.

  “Me, too.” The truth of it was profound. A familiar ache constricted my chest. “It feels like I’ve missed you like this before. It hurts, not like the normal way people miss each other. Like it’s so much more.”

  “Yeah, it hurts.”

  “Ryan, tell me. Just tell me.”

  “Julia, I’ll call you in the morning. Do what I said and rest. Please?”

  He was so friggin’ exasperating when he clammed up like this, and always when I was getting closer.

  “Okay. Goodnight, then.”

  “Night.”

  When the phone went dead, I threw it back on the couch. I bent over and pulled up my portfolio, intending to take it back into the bedroom and look through it with Jenna, but it was open and several drawings fell out and scattered all around the floor.

  Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. They were all of Ryan. My eyes welled with tears and I sank slowly to my knees, carefully gathering them up so they wouldn’t be damaged. I picked one up and examined it closely. I brushed at the tear that had slipped onto my right cheek with the back of my hand, worried that my tears would fall on the drawings and ruin them. Most were in pencil, but there were some in charcoal and a few in watercolors.

  A sob caught in my throat as I looked at them, so lovingly created, so detailed and perfect. It was hard to believe they were mine. My fingers ran over the signature. I knew, for sure, that these were done by my hand, and the lack of memories hurt.

  Jenna must have heard because she came out of the bedroom. “Julia, what’s wro…ong?” She stopped when she saw me on the floor with my drawings all around. “Oh my God,” she breathed.

  I looked up at her as more tears slid down my face. “Look at all of these…just look at them.”

  “Yes. I know. Are you okay?”

  I wasn’t sure if I was or not. “When did I draw these?”

  She sank to the floor next to me, careful not to hurt the drawings and put her arm around my shoulders. There were tears in her eyes. “All along. You started in college.”

  I put a hand over my mouth to stifle the sobs. “Did I love him and he didn’t love me back?”

  “No Julia, the man is over the moon for you. You already know that, don’t you?” she asked softly. When I didn’t answer she got up and left the room. “I’ll be right back,” she called over her shoulder. She came back in seconds, carrying a picture frame. She was standing above me where I was on the floor and she sank down onto the couch. She held it out to me, and I took it carefully in both hands.

  “Uhhh…” I gasped as I looked down on it. It was a poem or letter and it began, I love you because…I sat shaking in silence as I read the words he’d handwritten, the tears falling uninhibited from my eyes like rain. Jen didn’t say a word, just waited as I read it. At the end, the words shot straight to my heart and my mind flashed to candles and firelight, to warm arms around me and my hands wound in dark golden hair.

  You breathe your life into mine.

  You’re all my dreams come true.

  You are my Julia. Only mine, forever…

  Because of all of this and so much more…

  I need you. I want you. I adore you. I love you…more than my own life.

  Ryan

  My hand hovered over the glass, over his words as I sat there stunned, my heart racing so fast it felt like it would burst. “My God,” I finally managed to breathe and looked up at Jenna. Her brow was creased and she was wringing her hands. “I’m…overwhelmed. Do you know when he wrote this?”

  She moved to the floor next to me. “I think around the time you moved to New York. Julia, did you remember something?”

  “Just a little. Nothing I can really articulate. I…love him. That’s what I remember. I can’t place specifics, but…he’s…everything.”

  Jenna’s eyes filled with tears and her hand reached out to rest on my shoulder. “Oh Julia, I’m so glad you realize that. He’s been so lost.”

  “This…” my hand skirted over the glass again, “and the drawings have helped. It means so much to me that you came here with me and helped me like this.” I placed my hand over the one on my shoulder and squeezed. I set the frame back on the couch and then picked up two of the drawings. “I sense…sadness around some of these pictures. Not all, but some of them hurt me. I was in pain over him.”

  She nodded. “He’ll be so mad at me, but I won’t let you suffer this and not tell you.”

  I wiped at the tears on my face and tried to smile. “Thank you.”

  “You and Ryan were friends. You both dated a few other people, but you and he were always together. Sometimes, when he went out with someone else, you’d stay in and draw. You were sad, but we never knew how upset you were. Ellie and I asked you to go out, but you’d stay in alone when he…well when he…”

  I nodded. I didn’t need her to say the words. The pain washed through me and I could remember feeling it then; being left behind while he went out and made love to someone else. It felt so real; it was like it was happening right in that moment, fresh and raw. My face crumpled and I covered it with both of my hands.

  “Ryan loves you, Julia. As you can tell now…he loves you so much.”

  “I know.” The truth of the words burst through my barely controlled sobs. “Maybe I can’t remember all of it, but I feel it. I get flashes and in those moments, he just fills me up. Why didn’t we date? Why would he date others? Didn’t he love me then?”

  “The rest of us saw what was between you and we tried to get through to you, but you and Ryan are so similar. Neither of you were willing to risk your friendship on a love affair that might end badly. After Aaron and Ryan got accepted to Harvard, the prospect of not having each other nearby forced you both to admit that you were in love with each other.”

  I started crying again. The floodgates burst and my shoulders shook. “Oh, God! He must be suffering so much now.”

  “You’re alive, Julia. He’s so thankful. Thank God he isn’t too great at hiding his love. You sense it.”

  I nodded and tried to sniff back the tears. “I do. I need him to tell me, to let me love him now.”

  “He will in time. The first time you spent together as a couple, you drew him and he brought that picture with him back to Boston. That was the first time Aaron or I found out about your sketches. You told Ryan about the ones you did on those evenings alone and he shared it with us. You amazed him and he was so proud of you. I’ve never seen a man so in love, Julia. So, dry those tears. It’s all going to be okay. He’s been in love with you since the moment you met.”

  She hugged me as tight as my injury allowed and I wrapped my arms around her. “Thank you, Jen. I needed to hear this.”

  We spent several minutes looking through the drawings. “It’s almost a sin for someone to be that gorgeous. You’ve certainly captured him perfectly, Julia. It’s like looking at a series of black and white photographs. Was that Ryan on the phone?”

  “Yes. He wants me to take a bath and go to bed. It actually sounds pretty good right now. I’m wiped.” I wanted to be alone with my thoughts of Ryan, to search my mind for memories.

  “Okay, do you need help?”

  “I think I’ll be okay, but thanks.”

  “I can help you get in the bath if you’d like. Ryan will kill me if you slip and re-fracture your ribs.”

  “I just need a little time alone. Do you mind?”

  “Not at all. I understand. I’m just going to find a blanket and pillow for the couch.”

  “You can share the bed.”

  “Hmmph! No I can’t.” She smiled and turned her phone toward me.

  Please let Julia have the bed. I don’t want her to re-injure herself by sharing. I’ll make it up to you. Love you and thanks for taking care of her. –R

  I nodded and left the room.
After I pulled some clean clothes from the dresser, I made my way into the bathroom. More candles and fluffy towels adorned the all-white room. I looked in the drawer of the vanity, found the lighter and lit the candle closest to the bathtub and turned on the water, adding bubble bath. I turned off the vanity light, leaving the room glowing in the candlelight. I stripped off my clothes slowly to avoid any unnecessary movements and I thought about hanging them on the back of the door, but lifting my arms would surely hurt. I discovered a dark blue button down hanging there. It was too large to belong to me. I dropped my clothes on the floor and gathered it to me, bringing it to my face to inhale the scent. It was faint, but it was Ryan. I breathed in deeply, relishing in his essence. He was hanging on the back of my bathroom door, filling my portfolio, filling my heart. I wanted him to fill my life. In every single way.

  As I lowered myself slowly into the bath and leaned back in the warmth of the water, I knew what I’d be wearing to bed that night.

  ~6~

  Damn, it was a long day! My rotations started at 5 am and afterward, I had class until 2 pm. I’d just come from spending 2 hours at the library, working on a diagnosis assignment. The research involved in that shit was endless and if I tried to do it at home, forget it. It was almost ten and I just wanted to shower and fall into bed. My grumbling stomach reminded me that I hadn’t eaten since eleven that morning. I climbed the stairs thinking that maybe, just maybe, I could coax Julia into making me something simple. Maybe an omelet and toast. Whatever she came up with had to be delicious.

  Since she and Jen had returned from New York the prior weekend, things had been falling into a routine. We still argued over sleeping on the couch and sometimes I let her win, mostly because it meant I could lie where she’d been, surrounded by her scent. I mused at my weakness. Aaron hadn’t mentioned the episode in the gym but I knew he felt terrible. He was left in no doubt of my perspective. Sex isn’t love, but after Julia, it was impossible to separate the two.

  She was constantly inside my head.

  I was working a lot and our time together was scarce. Outside of a walk in the park last Thursday afternoon and a few hours watching television together last night, we’d hardly seen each other. I worried when Jenna told me she’d found the poem I’d written the same Christmas that I’d given her the bracelet. I was pissed I hadn’t remembered to have her take it down so Julia wouldn’t see it. Jenna admonished me. “And how was I supposed to do that? Wait here Julia, while I remove all evidence of your former life? You’re just damn lucky I was able to get to that pregnancy test in time.”

  Jen said they hadn’t talked much about it, so I had no idea what went through her mind or what she remembered. Maybe they did talk and Jen wasn’t telling. Seeing it, Julia had to know how much I loved her, though we didn’t talk about it. I didn’t ask and she didn’t volunteer anything, but something changed between us. The tone in her voice, the way she found reasons to touch me more and more, all indicated that she knew. It was driving me fucking crazy.

  The workload was a blessing in disguise. While I missed her terribly, it helped me focus and get my shit together. I still ached for her. The nights killed me, knowing she was soft and warm and only a few feet down the hall. I found myself staying at the library or at the hospital later just to make it bearable. It confused the hell out of Julia, but it was one more thing we didn’t talk about. I regretted it, wanting to wrap myself around her, ease her fears and confusion, but was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to control the overwhelming love and want that I felt. She had to see how hungry I was and I didn’t want to burden her with anything more than she already had to deal with.

  I came into the apartment and set my laptop case and backpack by the door, sighing in exhaustion. The lights were low, Aaron sitting on the couch, watching something on ESPN. My eyes scanned the apartment.

  Aaron heard me come in. “Get your ass ready. We’re going out,” he said shortly.

  “No way. I’m starving and all I want is to shower and go to bed.” It amazed me how Aaron’s ass never seemed to be dragging like mine, but then his internal medicine program didn’t require nearly as many hospital hours that my trauma specialty did. “Where are the girls and why are you so dressed up?” My eyes took in his dark jeans and burgundy button down.

  “Jen is getting dressed and uh…well…Julia is out with Moore.” He cringed when he said it. I felt like I’d been kicked in the chest. Every muscle in my body tensed as I froze in place and turned to look at him. I’d never considered she’d actually take him up on his offer.

  “What did you say?” I asked quietly.

  “Um…she went out.”

  “What the fuck?! On a date?” I exploded.

  “Don’t know if I’d call it a date, dude. She was on her way out, to meet him, when I got home and uh…she did look amazing, Ryan.”

  My heart started racing as I paced around the room, not quite sure what to do with myself. I felt panic, pain and anger course through every cell of my body. “How?”

  “What do you mean, how? She walked out the fucking door and got in a cab.”

  “Hell, Aaron! I mean, how does she have a date with one of her Goddamned doctors?” I was furious, heat rising up under my skin. I wanted to claw that shit right off of my body.

  “Said she was bored, always being stuck in the apartment. It probably doesn’t mean a damn thing. Calm down and go change your clothes.”

  Both hands threaded together on the top of my head. “You said she looked good though. So why, if it wasn’t a date? How could you let her go, Aaron?! Why the hell didn’t you call me?”

  “They were meeting at the Four Seasons, so she had to look nice. She’s an adult. I couldn’t stop her, Ryan! So…” He shrugged. “Let’s go crash his party.”

  Four fucking Seasons?!

  I was already on my way down the hall, ripping off the shirt to my scrubs. My face hadn’t been shaved in the past 18 hours, but what the hell, I didn’t give a shit. The Four Seasons was a classy hotel with a restaurant and music, but it was still a Goddamn hotel.

  He better not lay one finger on her or I will beat his fucking face in!

  Jenna came out of their bedroom as I passed.

  “So, I guess Aaron told you,” she said flatly and smirked at me with one raised one eyebrow.

  I didn’t answer, just breezed past and slammed the door to my room. I pulled some black dress slacks and a white button-down out of my closet, throwing them on as fast as I could. I didn’t wear a tie, but donned the blazer that went with the pants and ran some water through my hair. That was all the time I was going to spend getting presentable. I hurriedly put on some black socks and pushed my feet into black dress shoes and threaded a matching leather belt through the loops at the waist of the slacks. I opened the door to my bedroom, checking my wallet for cash on my way back to the living room.

  “Okay…let’s go.” Both of them stood staring at me like I was an alien from outer space. “I said, let’s go!”

  Jenna chuckled and it only served to piss me off even further. “I’ve never seen you get ready so fast, pretty boy. Shit, what was that? Like thirty seconds?”

  “You drive, Aaron. I’ll bring Julia back in a cab.” My heart was racing, my breathing shallow. I was so upset that my hands were shaking.

  We all piled into Aaron’s Suburban. Jenna slid into the center and I got in beside her, adjusting the collar of my shirt once I settled in the seat.

  “Calm down, Ryan. She just wanted a night out.” I didn’t answer, running a hand over my face. “What are you planning to do?” Jenna asked pointedly. It was apparent by her cross expression that she didn’t like my choices of the past weeks and thought that I was likely getting what I deserved.

  “I don’t know what the fuck I’m planning, Jen! If she wanted a night out, she should have told me.”

  “When Ryan? You’re not home lately. Julia thinks you’re avoiding her so why would she tell you?” she asked. The hard edge to her voi
ce was loaded with disapproval. “And tell you what? ‘Hey, best friend, Ryan, I’m bored, lonely and horny as hell?’ I mean, you’d think she has the plague the way you’ve been avoiding her. Can’t take it when she got a little taste of the truth in New York?”

  “Jenna,” Aaron admonished. “I don’t think you’re helping the situation.”

  “He should know what she goes through, Aaron. What did she tell you about our trip, anyway?”

  “Not much,” I muttered, keeping my eyes plastered to the road in front of us, mentally calculating how long it would take to get to the hotel.

  “Mmmm, well, maybe you should ask her. You know she saw the letter.”

  My heart fell. “Look, I appreciate that you care about Julia. I do. But what the hell do you know about what I’ve been going through? I’m in agony. Being near her and not being able to touch her or tell her how I feel is killing me. So don’t tell me to calm the fuck down when she goes out and finds someone to replace me.” I glared at her.

  “But you can touch her and tell her how you feel, if you weren’t so damn stubborn! She doesn’t want to replace you, you dumb ass. That’s what I’m trying to tell you! Keep your head buried in the sand if that’s what you want. Fine by me.”

  She crossed her arms and didn’t say another word. We were close to the hotel and I stopped to consider what I wanted to do.

  “Aaron, can you drop me off and meet me inside? Jen, get Julia away from the table for a bit, please. I’ve got a few things to say to that prick.”

  “Ryan, don’t make a scene,” Aaron warned.

  “That’s not my intention, but he will be clear on what the fuck is going on. He’s known all along that we’re together. I mean, who the hell does he think he is?”

  Aaron pulled up to the curb and I opened the door. “Ryan, take a deep breath. Think about Julia. She only wanted to get out of the apartment,” he said.

  I hoped that was all she wanted, but Jenna’s words were swirling around in my brain. I’d kept my distance and maybe she was thinking I didn’t care about her. Shit, I never told her that we were together like that, but it felt like she knew. After New York, she had to.