Don’t Forget to Remember Me

by Kahlen Aymes

  There was nothing worse than missing him when he was so damn close. The week since the nightmare felt like forever. I almost rummaged through Ryan’s room for clues to our past. I resisted, but only barely. Despite the way he was acting, I couldn’t betray his trust. I sighed and threw my head against the back of the chair. I was positive there was nothing that he wouldn’t want me to see; if the situation were normal, but now it would push my memory and he’d be upset. I trusted him and loved him with everything I had.

  I wish that was enough. Breathing literally hurt as I leaned both of my elbows on his desk. I reluctantly got up and gathered my clothes for the day. The hours dragged, stretching in front of me endlessly. Not knowing if I’d even see Ryan made it worse and my heart dropped.

  I finished getting dressed; pulling on dark jeans and a light pink pullover, then applied light make-up. It was Saturday and as I padded down the hall toward the kitchen, I heard Aaron saying goodbye to Jen. Ryan was already gone.

  “Love ya, babe. Have a nice day off,” Aaron said and kissed Jen lightly. He waved before opening the door. “Bye, Jules.”

  “See ya,” I answered.

  I threaded both hands through my long hair in frustration and flopped on the couch. I didn’t turn on the television; I didn’t look out the window. The room blurred and my throat ached. I felt helpless and I had no control of anything. Not my memory, not my relationship with Ryan…nothing.

  Jenna handed me a cup of coffee. “Here, honey,” she said and took a seat in one of the chairs to my right. “How do you feel?”

  “Physically, I’m fine. I don’t have much pain anymore. Mentally…frustrated as hell. Remembering part of the past is almost worse than starting over with nothing. It’s confusing, trying to piece it together and still have huge gaps. It sucks.”

  She took a sip and nodded. “I notice Ryan is gone again. I thought you guys had turned a corner. He was so happy and I thought he’d be around more. What happened, Julia?”

  I shrugged and looked down with a frown. “That’s just it! Nothing! I had a stupid dream and he blames himself! I’m so tired of him taking responsibility for everything. He thinks getting close brought it on.”

  “He is brilliant in many ways, but his head is up his ass on this,” Jen replied.

  “Yes,” I agreed. “Who’s to say I wouldn’t eventually remember the crash anyway? And, so what? It wouldn’t be the end of the fucking world.” My tone was full of defeat and frustration. “Maybe I should just leave,” I said in disgust.

  “What?” Jenna asked in surprise.

  “I’m making Ryan miserable. It hurts that he’s so unhappy. I miss him. I want him to stop over-thinking everything. Something could happen that helps me remember and that can’t happen if he’s avoiding me.”

  Jenna’s expression was sympathetic, but she was frowning. “I know. It’s screwed up, but I don’t think leaving will help either of you. He’ll lose it. It’s not that bad, is it? He calls you, doesn’t he?”

  “Yeah, but he stays away until very late and leaves early. I hardly see him. My emotions are so screwed I hardly even know what I’m feeling anymore. I’m so…sad, I guess. Lonely.”

  “I’d ask Aaron to talk to him, but he already has. Ryan is stubborn as hell.”

  “He’s so focused on making sure nothing shocks me that he is blind to what needs to happen. And if he won’t let things be, there is nothing I can do but leave. Either he’ll wake up or he’ll get on with his life.” I blinked as my eyes filled with tears. “Shit. All I do is cry.” I wiped quickly at the tears. “Anyway, I’ve made an appointment with Spencer to try to sort this out.”

  Saying the words hurt. It was so hard vocalizing any attempt to be away from Ryan. Jenna’s eyes widened in surprise, so I hurried to explain. “Uh, he’s objective. Ryan and you…even Aaron. You’re all too close to the situation.”

  “He isn’t objective! Are you trying to make things worse?” Her eyes widened incredulously.

  “I need help sorting through this. That’s Spencer’s job.”

  “Well, if you don’t want to hurt Ryan, you have a damn funny way of showing it.”

  I paced around the room; before turning to face her. “I don’t plan on telling him. He’s working so much, he’ll never know. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do.”

  “I don’t know, Julia…” she added hesitantly. “You should talk to Ryan.”

  I sucked in a shaky breath and shook my head. “For what? He won’t change his mind. If the episode in the bedroom and knowing I love him won’t do it, what will?”

  “He needs a swift kick in the ass, that’s all.” She tried to tease, but I was beyond it.

  “Men run when they can’t deal, but knowing it doesn’t make it hurt any less.” My lips lifted in a sad smile. “If I leave, maybe he’ll be more motivated. I can’t take more of grasping at a past I might never remember. I want to build a life with him.”

  Jenna covered my hand with hers. “I’m so sorry, but Ryan’s not running very far and he’ll never leave you. You know that, right?”

  My eyes overflowed with tears again. I turned so I could brush them away. “Look, enough of my pathetic bullshit.” I tried to change the subject. “Has Aaron gotten any closer to setting a date?”

  She shrugged slightly. Disappointment and hurt flashed across her features. “After almost nine years, it should be a done deal.”

  “Maybe he’s waiting until graduation,” I offered gently. “Maybe he also needs a swift kick in the ass, hmmm?” I smiled despite the tears that still clung to my lashes. An idea formed behind Jen’s blue eyes as a smile lit up her face.

  “Let’s go shopping! I hate sitting around feeling sorry for myself.” She tossed her long blonde hair over her shoulders. “In fact, let’s buy new clothes, new shoes, go to the salon, then we’re going out tonight. Let them wonder what we’re up to, huh?”

  A big part of me didn’t want to hurt Ryan anymore than he already was but going out with Jen sounded like fun. I found myself recalling times when Ellie, Jen and I would spend similar evenings together.

  “Okay. It sounds great! Let’s meet after my appointment. At the mall?”

  “Nope. Downtown. The shops are more fun and more expensive. Feeling better just takes money, honey! We can go straight to the bar, afterward,” she said mischievously, a new gleam in her eye. She was a woman on a mission and there would be no stopping her.

  I laughed. “Aaron doesn’t stand a chance!”

  “You’re perfectly capable of taking Ryan down if you want him, Jules. So do it,” she said seriously. My heart and body tightened in anticipation.

  “Okay. Yeah.” The decision made, I checked my watch. I needed to go or I’d be late.

  I put my empty coffee cup in the kitchen before heading out the door. “Okay, see you in a couple hours,” I threw over my shoulder as I gathered my purse and slid my feet into my black leather boots. “I’ll buzz you when I’m finished.”

  “Don’t let him try anything, hon.”

  “Jen, please. This is purely professional. Besides, you know where my heart is and nothing will change that.”

  “Yeah, not even your lost memory,” she said.

  It was like an ironic epiphany suddenly rushed over me like a storm and I stopped. “Exactly. Tell Ryan.”

  “Well, tonight he’s gonna get a clue,” Jenna spouted with a grin. I couldn’t help but laugh.

  *****

  “Julia, I was surprised you called. Is everything alright?” Spencer was pensive and distant, understandable considering the passionate display Ryan and I made at the Four Seasons.

  “Yes,” I said. I sat in one of the chairs in front of his desk for the last time. “I mean…not really. I don’t know,” I stammered and felt embarrassed at my lack of ability to even get out a coherent sentence. My face burned in a flush, and I pressed the back of my hand to my cheek.

  His eyes narrowed and raked over my face. “What’s this about?”


  “I’m thinking about going back to New York. I remembered my job. I think I’m ready and I’m bored doing nothing. It’s not my style.”

  “Forgive me, but…what does Ryan say about it? After last weekend, and,” he motioned toward the diamond sparkling on my hand, “I thought you might have remembered. Have you?” His words were slow and measured.

  “Not everything. I know that I love him and obviously that we were, are engaged. But, it’s so much more than I could have ever imagined.”

  “Did you remember on your own or did he tell you about the engagement?”

  “Ryan told me.”

  Spencer crossed his arms over his chest. “I see.” The tightness in his tone was clear.

  I shifted uncomfortably. “I’m not sure you do. Yes, he told me about the engagement, but the other stuff…I feel him within me. I can’t even explain it, but I know it. Even though I can’t get the whole picture yet, the love is so tangible that I can almost reach out and touch it. I don’t know how else to articulate it.”

  He didn’t speak but continued to study me. I moved my diamond back and forth on my finger.

  “What else has he told you?”

  “I’ve been begging him to tell me everything. It wasn’t his fault. He’s been doing just as you asked, but I need to know. Ryan hasn’t said, ‘Hey, Julia. You’re crazy in love with me.’” I lowered my tone in mock imitation and flushed. “And forgive me, but I don’t see what this has to do with my going back to New York.”

  “What is the real reason you’re thinking of leaving, Julia? The truth.”

  I swallowed and looked away. “Uh, my being here is hurting Ryan. He’s struggling and won’t let us move forward. We had an amazing 24 hours and then everything changed again. While he is very caring and concerned, he’s not touching me or spending time with me and…I need to feel close to him. He needs it, too.”

  “This is not what I expected. From what I saw of you two last weekend, I would have sworn he was going to take you out of there and tell you everything.”

  “I wish he would have.”

  Spencer sighed. “Julia, I want the best for you, and Ryan is doing that by letting you remember on your own. If you think you need to go to New York, then my advice is to do it. If you and Ryan are meant to be, it will work out.”

  I felt like I was back in high school getting a lecture from my dad. “We are meant to be,” I insisted, my eyes burning into his, chin jutting out in defiance. “I can’t live with anything less.” My voice cracked on the last sentence. “I guess I’m hoping he’ll realize he can’t live without me.”

  “Julia, I’m here to help you work things out and no more. The other night…well, I see how much Ryan loves you. His actions certainly support that,” he said quietly. “Has anything else happened?”

  “Yes. I had a dream about the accident but that’s really all, besides what I’ve already told you.”

  “And?”

  “I barely woke up. I remember pain as I screamed Ryan’s name. Truthfully, I handled it better than Ryan did. He held me afterward but since, he’s distancing again…it hurts.”

  “Julia, he’s a fourth year med student. He’s extremely dedicated and so close to being finished. Don’t take it personally.”

  “Seriously? Everything Ryan does is motivated by what’s going on with me. He could work at the apartment but he goes to the library instead. All the time. I’m really missing him.”

  “I understand. When was the dream?”

  “Sunday night.”

  “Ah, so right after the restaurant.”

  “The next night, yes. Please don’t imply that being closer to Ryan caused it. And even if it did, I wouldn’t change it.”

  “I’m only trying to determine what happened to see if we can make this easier for you. I figured something like this would push you into remembering.”

  It suddenly dawned on me. Did you tell Ryan that being close to me could be the catalyst? “I don’t really care about making it easier, only faster. I don’t want Ryan to hurt anymore.”

  He nodded, almost resigned. “Yes, I know it’s been difficult for him and I see that you really do love him. He’s a lucky man.”

  “No, I’m the lucky one.” I studied his reactions. “Did you…talk to him about me?”

  “Julia, I can’t talk to him about what you and I discuss, specifically. That’s professional privilege, but before you and I had our first session, he and I talked a little bit. About the accident and that you lost,” he hesitated briefly, “uh, your memory, but that’s all. Except for our conversation at the restaurant.”

  “Sorry about that. I should have considered it before I agreed to go to dinner. Ryan’s very protective.” Pleasure made blood rush into my cheeks.

  Spencer laughed. “I’d call it possessive and it’s perfectly understandable, but the dinner was innocent.” He paused and searched my face. “If you could have anything you wanted, what would it be?”

  While he meant well, it all seemed so pointless. I wanted validation of my feelings, validation of my decision to go back to New York, validation of resuming my life with Ryan. Ugh! Isn’t that the reason anyone goes to a psychiatrist? Fucking validation?

  “I just want my life back, even if I never remember completely. I want Ryan, to go back to my job and whatever our plans were. That is, if he’ll tell me.”

  “Do you think you can ask?”

  “I feel comfortable talking to him about anything. Whether he’ll listen, is another story entirely.”

  His face was contemplative and relaxed. I couldn’t help but consider what Ryan said about not trusting him, but today he’d only been supportive.

  “He’ll listen…eventually. He doesn’t want to lose you, so he’ll listen.”

  “Thank you. I hope so.”

  “No problem. It’s been my pleasure, Julia. Truly.”

  My phone rang in my purse and I looked up apologetically.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey. What are you up to?” Ryan asked. His words sounded guarded, reluctant, like he wanted the answer but shouldn’t be asking.

  “I’m going shopping with Jenna. Are you at lunch?”

  “Yeah. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

  “Well, you can hear it anytime you want,” I murmured softly into the phone.

  “Mmmm…” I could hear the want in his voice and my heart rejoiced.

  “Listen. Why don’t I pop over for a bit? How long do you have?” I asked.

  “Only about 45 minutes. That sounds good though. If you can.”

  “I’ll bring lunch.”

  “You don’t have to…” he began. “We can just meet in the cafeteria.”

  “Hush, Ryan. Meet you in the courtyard, okay?”

  “Okay,” The smile came through in his voice. “I’ll see you in a few. Bye.”

  “I’m on my way. Bye, honey.”

  I looked up at Spencer happily. “I have to go! Meeting Ryan for lunch.” I popped up and rushed to the door without a second thought. “Thanks, again!”

  *****

  Ryan was waiting on a bench near the East edge of the courtyard, lots of roses and other flowers on the pathway. The hair falling casually across his forehead glowed golden in the sunlight. He shoved his fingers through it in his haphazard way and a smile flashed across his mouth. So gorgeous; scrubs, stethoscope and a pocket full of pens, he was a sight for sore eyes. Finally enfolding me in his arms, his mouth fell to my hair at my temple as he kissed me. I cursed the food in my arms that prevented me holding him back. The best I could do was stand up on tiptoe to press my open mouth to the base of his neck. His arms tightened slightly and he kissed the side of my cheek.

  “I miss you,” I said before I could stop myself.

  “Miss you more,” he said softly, released me and took the bags from my arms. “Did you bring enough for an army? Maybe I should see if Aaron is free.” His blue eyes flashed to meet mine as we sat together on the bench.

  “
I’d just like it to be us, if that’s alright.”

  He held my gaze, his features soft but he had dark shadows showing under his eyes. I handed him a can of Coke and then reached out to touch his cheek, my fingers brushing along his strong jaw. “You look tired.”

  “Yeah. A little bit.”

  “I wish you didn’t have to work so hard.” He handed me one of the chicken salad sandwiches and I started to unwrap it.

  “After residency.” Ryan quickly disposed of the wrapping on his sandwich and took a big bite. He looked a bit thinner and I worried he wasn’t eating.

  “I worry about you.”

  He smiled after he swallowed his food. “I’m fine. Just busy.”

  I picked at the crust on the sandwich sitting in my lap. I nodded once. “Okay.”

  “You look beautiful,” he said in the velvet tone I loved. I couldn’t stop the smile or the blush that spread out on my cheeks. “What are your plans today?”

  “Shopping with Jenna.”

  He continued to eat and I managed a bite of my own.

  “That will be good. Jen needs a day out too. Aaron works just about as much as I do.”

  “Hardly. Not even close,” I insisted.

  “Well, his specialty isn’t as demanding.”

  The stilted silence between us hung like a storm as I struggled with what to say. Being so distant after our passionate evening was awkward. I swallowed one more bite of the sandwich and then wrapped the rest of it.

  I took a deep breath and jumped in with both feet. “Ryan, I spoke to Meredith today,” I began.

  Immediately Ryan abandoned his lunch and his eyes connected with mine. “And?”

  This was so hard! “And, I can go back to work whenever I want. I think it might be time.”

  He said nothing, but the muscle in his jaw began to work overtime.

  “Well?” I pushed. “Don’t you have anything to say?”