I saw the color of my world leach away until there was barely any color at all. I watched us move from place to place. Never settling down. The color kept disappearing from my world. Then we were in LA. I knew what was coming. I watched as my Mother yanked me from my bed and dropped me to the floor. I winced as I remembered the pain. I pushed the memory away and tried to dive past it. I didn’t want to see this, didn’t want to feel this again. But my center wouldn't let me. I had to watch. I watched as my Mother beat me, kicked me and hit me. I watched as I screamed and cursed her, calling her names right back as she stomped me into the floor. I watched as I struck out with a foot knocking her back from me. I didn’t remember that part, that I had fought back. I watched as it went on and on. I watched as the cops broke open the door and yanked her out. I watched as I got to my feet and walked out the door to the police car. I walked out of there, I didn’t remember that. That changed something, I don’t know how to explain it, except that something inside me shifted with this new knowledge. I felt like me more, the real me. I sunk deeper.
I watched as I met Isaac and his laughing eyes. Then Ethan and Miles. Then Asher and even Zeke. As I watched our conversations, I noticed the color coming back. The world was alive again, not completely but getting there. The color grew the more I laughed with them. The more time I spent with them. I started to feel again, I hadn’t realized how numb I had become until now. Serena had been right. I had been so close to cutting myself off from everyone. I watched myself talking to Miles while lying on the dock. He was telling me that just because relationships don’t last, that didn't mean they weren’t worth having. Of course, he used stars as a metaphor, but that’s what he told me. I saw how he watched me out of the corner of his eye when I had to stop myself from crying. He had known. I sank deeper.
I watched myself telling Asher my dream of becoming a tattoo artist so he’d admit what he’d really wanted to do with his life. I sank deeper. I watched myself talking to Zeke at the garage he worked at. He was telling me he couldn’t trust himself around me. I watched as my shaking hands pulled off my sweater and told him to look at my back. I didn’t remember my hands shaking. And I saw something I hadn’t seen before, that I didn’t even realize before. When someone I care about is hurting, I gave them everything and anything I had to make them not feel alone. If standing naked and showing them my own scars made them feel even a little better, a little less alone. I did it. And it amazed me. I sank deeper.
I watched myself get jumped by the ghost of Mary Summers. I watched all the guys freak out as Zeke brought my face up so I could tell him what to do. I saw the panic and fear on everyone’s face as I went limp. I watched them drive me home and get me in the shower. They took off my sweater and jeans just like Rory told them to. I watched as they rubbed salt over my skin. I watched their faces as I woke up. Their relief made my heart ache. Then I watched them take turns holding me in the shower. Zeke passed me off to Asher when he got too hot. Asher stopped only to take off his shoes. When Asher got too hot, he handed me off to Isaac. Isaac didn’t even bother taking off his shoes. Then they were wrapping towels around me and carrying me to Rory’s bed. Everyone one of them had been pale. I sank deeper.
I watched myself being hugged by each of them after I woke up, I saw the relief on their faces. I saw how they cared about me. How they wanted to…. just be there for me. The way I was for them. It finally fully sunk in, they cared just as much about me as I did them. I was still a bit dazed by this as I sank deeper. I saw myself as I pressed gauze against Zeke’s hand. I watched as I refused to let up on the pressure. That’s when I noticed it. There was a connection. A shining golden thread that went from me to him. It wasn’t there all the time, but it was then. I sank lower. I saw myself at the crash site, pressing on Emily Hann’s abdominal wound to stop the bleeding. She was starting to give up. I turned to her, and I saw it again. That golden thread of light wrap around Emily Hann's wrist, holding her soul to me and from me to her body. I watched as her soul tried to move on, and the thread pulled taunt. I watched in disbelief as I pulled her back and held her till she could climb back into her body. What the...? I sank deeper.
I saw myself yank Isaac out of the party at the Dotson’s. I watched myself order Isaac to get it out in a better way. I saw the look on Isaac’s face that I hadn’t then. He looked lost, he didn’t know what he was doing that night. My chest ached. I needed to help, somehow, I needed to help him. I sank deeper. I knew what was coming. I felt almost completely like me again. I hadn’t felt that way since before I got jumped. I watched as I walked toward Mary Summers’ soul in my cousin Tara’s body. I watched as I threw her out of me. Then I watched as the world disappeared and we entered the Veil. I saw that rocky ledge above the pit of black. The boiling clouds in the sky with lightning and green smoke. But all my attention was on Mary Summers. My heart burned as I watched her scramble for a hold on the stone only for her to slip off the edge. I saw myself reaching for her. I felt like my heart was being crushed as I watched me try to pull her back. Then the feeling was gone, I don’t know how but I knew I needed to see without emotion. I needed to see the truth of it. I watched as I pulled against the pull of the pit. I watched as she began to fade in my hands. That’s when I saw it. I couldn’t believe it, the whole scene stopped as if I hit pause on a movie. I looked closer at Mary Summers. The energy had stripped her of her mind, destroyed who she was. I could see it. She was rotted from the inside out. But not completely. There was still a sliver of her in there. And I saw it. The scene began moving again in slow motion. I watched Mary Summers disappearing. Then I saw something new. She was saying something. The sound came on in stereo at high volume. The wind was howling, but I heard it. She said ‘Thank you.’ I knew somewhere my body was crying, but it didn’t matter. I watched Mary Summers die, and thank me for it. Dazed, I sank deeper. Light exploded behind my eyes, bright and golden. Then I was standing on a white plain with a golden lit sky, and across from me was me. It was me down to the last detail, even the odd eyes, and the way I tilted my head when I was pissed.
“Are you going to listen now?” The other me asked in my voice.
“I didn’t know I wasn’t,” I told her honestly. She smiled sweetly. Then smacked me upside the head.
“Ow!” It actually hurt. She smirked at me.
“You know the answer to a lot of things Alexis, but your head gets in the way.” She told me. “You need to start listening.”
“Yeah, I’m getting that,” I admitted. She half grinned at me.
“You need to follow your instinct when it comes to your abilities. Stop thinking there is a set of instructions somewhere. Because there isn’t.” I sighed. Shit. “You need practice with souls, Alexis.”
“I don’t want to fuck up like that again.” My voice was desperate, and I hated it. She smiled at me.
“Don’t salt and burn bodies, and you won’t. You can’t hurt the dead less than that.” There was movement over my other self’s shoulder. Another me was walking towards us from farther away. I looked back at the other me and had a hunch.
“You’re not me.” The imposter me smiled.
“No, I’m not. But this was the best form to take to tell you what I had to.” She looked over her shoulder. “Your true self is coming, and you’ll have to face her in order to reach your center.” She looked back to me. “If you have any questions, ask them now.”
“How do I link with the Veil and force a ghost to cross? Would that even still work?” She smiled.
“You grab them, come here, and think of the Veil. But it’ll take time for you to build the link. It’ll take work, and it’ll hurt. So, don’t start with a soul.” She warned. “But once it’s there, it’ll become easier with every use. Steadier.” She tilted her head to the side. It was weird seeing myself do that. “You can’t force a soul to cross, you can only get them to the Veil. Most souls can find the Veil-”
“Only someone's fucked with it, and it’s closed.” I pointed out. She nod
ded.
“But that someone can’t keep you out.” She countered. “Or any soul you take with you.” Holy shit. I could still get them to cross even before I open the Veil! The true me was coming closer.
“How do I grab ahold of a soul?” She smiled at me.
“You’ve already done it. You’ve done it with your friend Zeke, you did it with that woman in the car.” She said cryptically. I wanted to hit myself in the face. Which felt weird.
“The gold thread?” I asked. She nodded, smiling.
“You held Emily Hann’s soul to her body, don’t you remember thinking ‘I could let her go now.’” I nodded. She smiled. “That feeling in your chest when you were talking to her, telling her to stay. That is the thread. It’s how it forms. That’s how you grab them. It’s pure will. And you need to exercise it to make it stronger.” She looked over her shoulder. “And now I have to go.”
“Who are you? Am I going to see you again?” She smirked.
“Probably, and it’s not who I am so much as what I am.” She started walking away. I was going to ask what she was but my true self walked by the imposter me. This was so fucking weird. I watched as my true self came to me. Her hair was different. The left side was back in braids along her scalp, making it looked shaved. Five braids from ear to the top of her head, each dyed a separate color. The rest of her hair was still the copper I had. She wore a black t-shirt, black leather pants, and boots. Black and bronze scrolling letters were tattooed down the outside of her body, in a single line. From the sides of her neck to her wrists. For some reason, I was sure it had a purpose. A ring was on her ring finger on her left hand, but it was black, and there was something different about it. I looked at her face, she looked to be in her early to mid-twenties. I watched her examining me just as much as I examined her. Her eyes met mine, and she smiled.
“Let me guess. You just moved to Spring Mountain.” She said her voice sounding different to me, a bit rougher.
“Two months ago,” I said. She smiled, her eyes warming.
“An interesting time.” Her smile grew. “I’m your true self Alexis, I’m everything you are and everything you will ever be. To reach your center you have to go through me.” She tilted her head and looked over my shoulder. “Or more like, I’ll show you who you are. Cause the other way just sounds dirty if you think about it.” I snorted at her. She smiled.
“So, I’m still a smartass, huh?” I observed. My true self snickered.
“Always.”
“Can you tell me something?” I asked. She looked like she was considering it. Then her eyes focused back to me.
“Maybe.” Good enough for me. I knew I should be feeling my heart race, but all I felt was calm. I didn’t question it, I just ran with it.
“Do I end up happy?” She smiled my big happy smile. The one I rarely ever used.
“You can be.” My true self said. Then the smile faded a bit. “But it’s up to you how your story goes. Happiness isn’t just going to fall on your doorstep. You’re gonna have to bust your ass for it.” I got that.
“What about the guys? Will they still be around?” I asked before I even realized it.
“I’m not a fortune teller, I’m you.” She said smiling that big smile again. “But... follow your heart, no matter what normal people say. In fact, throw normal out the window. Then you’ll be fine.” Then her eyes narrowed on me. “And deal with your fear of abandonment. It’s annoying as fuck.” I snorted. Her eyes went up above us. Her smiled disappeared. “Yeah, yeah, I hear ya.” She looked back to me. “I’m getting bitched at for answering questions.” She explained. I snorted. Who the hell could be bitching at her? Or me? This is confusing.
“Will I see you again?”
“No, but after this you won’t need to.” Her eyes went over my shoulder as they unfocused. “Well, if you somehow lose your center again, then yeah you’ll see me again.” Her eyes ran over my face, her eyes sympathetic. “You’ve been lost since Mary Summers Lexie, it’s time to come home.” I took a deep breath and nodded. She held her hands out to me palm up. I put my hands in hers. She stepped closer. “Now, this is the weird part.” She warned me. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against mine. I instinctively closed my eyes. That’s when it happened. She showed me. I was stripped naked and in the light. Every fault, every flaw, everything I was. It was all laid out before me. I saw it all. I am Alexis Luanna Delaney, I have an anger problem. A tendency towards violence, I am terrified of people leaving me. I’m terrified I’ll be just like my Mother. I am impulsive and reckless at times. I have a tendency to be a perfectionist. And I am a huge smart ass. But I also love deeply, passionately. I am kind and generous. I am protective, not only of those I love but those that don’t or can’t defend themselves. If you come at me and those I love, you better bring an army because I will tear you down where you stand. I am a shitty cousin, an alright niece. And I was a more than decent daughter. But through all my faults, flaws and traits, I couldn’t find the word murderer. But I found a different one, one I didn’t expect. I knew it all, felt it in my heart and soul. This was my truth. This is who I am. And I liked her. I felt a hard click. The light was blinding, then it was back to the way it was before. I felt solid. Whole. I felt like I could stand against anything. The white and gold world was empty again. But I knew I could fill it if I wanted to.
“Okay, now how do I-” I closed my eyes and opened them. The world swam, there were swirls of green and other colors. “-get back?” I closed my eyes till my head stopped feeling dizzy. I opened my eyes and looked around at all the plants. It took me a couple minutes to remember where I was. Miles’ house, the conservatory, right. The sun was still streaming through the glass ceiling. In a daze, I got up and went back into the house. My mind was going over everything as I walked down the hallway. I didn’t deserve the shit my mother did to me. Mary Summers.... that word. I kept going around and around. I was so lost I didn’t hear my name. A blur jumped in front of me, forcing me to stop. Miles’ worried eyes ran over my face.
“Lexie? Are you alright?” He asked, his voice calm. I nodded. He looked more worried. “I’m not going to believe you until you say something.”
“I did it.” I managed, my head still running around in circles. I blinked and forced myself to focus on Miles. “I reached my center.” His eyebrows went up. “It’s just a lot to absorb right now. I’m… I’m gonna take a bath and think about this.” He nodded, his face concerned again. When I didn’t move, he took my arm.
“Alright, come on.” His voice was that soft and silky one that I loved hearing. He walked me down the hall and into the master bedroom. He picked up my bag and led me into the bathroom. When he let go of me, I sat on the edge of the tub, still thinking, still confused. When I didn’t move, he must have started my bathwater because the sound of water filled the room. I was still running in circles around my head. Miles was back in front of me. “Lexie, do you want to use your rosemary bath salt?” I looked back at him and focused. I nodded. Miles disappeared, and I went back to going in circles in my head. I was a good daughter to my mother, why did she beat the shit out of me? The water shut off, I smelled rosemary. Miles was back, kneeling in front of me. “Lexie, if you don’t focus for me I’m sticking you in the tub with your clothes on and staying right here.” He warned gently. I blinked at him.
“Huh?” His eyes ran over my face again, then he seemed to make up his mind about something. I was still lost in my head as he took my shoes and socks off. Then I was up in Miles’ arms. That woke me up a bit. Then I was in hot bath water up to my neck. It felt good. I sat up and wrapped my arms around my knees. Why would she have beaten me if I had been a good daughter? And Mary Summers... Did this mean...? And that word... I needed to focus on one thought at a time. Think Lexie. Focus. Miles was at the side of the tub, his chin resting on his arms. He was watching me.
“What happened, Lexie?” He asked softly.
“There was so much information, I saw all the big
moments in my life so far.” I swallowed trying to focus. “You guys were there, you guys brought the color back. You guys brought me back.” I felt tears falling down my face, and I didn’t care. “Once I got past when Jacob tried to rape me, once I got past my Mother beating me, everything had no color. You guys brought the color back.” I blinked, I wasn’t saying what I wanted to say. “Then I saw the Veil and Mary Summers. But this time I couldn’t feel anything. I was calm.” Tears fell faster, I forced myself to keep talking. This was helping. Miles could help me make sense of it. “At the end, when I was holding on to her, everything paused. And I saw what the extra energy had done to her. It had rotted her out, but there was still a sliver of her left.” I looked at Miles and his calm eyes. “Then everything moved again. And I heard her say something I didn’t hear last time.” I swallowed hard and looked at him. “She said ‘Thank you.’” Miles blinked, his face stunned. “She was suffering from all that energy. It was destroying her already. In the end, she wanted to go.” Then there was the other thing, that word. But I wasn’t going to tell him that now, not until... later. “I met me, my true self. And she showed me everything I am. Every flaw, fault, and trait I had. And not one of them... I was expecting to be a murderer.” I said simply. It fully sunk in. I didn’t really murder Mary Summers. I just put her out of her misery. But I still killed her…. There was more about that, but there was the other thing first.
When the Dead Come a Knockin' Page 8