The Goonies

by James Kahn

  Mouth shrugged and went for easier pickings on the floor.

  I held a huge perfect ruby up to the light. “Dad's gonna die when he sees this stuff,” I said. It made me feel calm for the first time since this whole thing began. “He's finally gonna get some sleep tonight.”

  Brand called out, “Don't take anything you can't carry!” Seemed to me like a dumb thing to say—I mean, if we couldn't carry something, how would we take it? “We'll come back for bigger stuff later,” he added. I was about to mention we weren't outta there yet but decided not to bum everybody out. Instead I just emptied my marble bag and started filling it up with gems. Not the biggest ones. I went for choice.

  My collection took me around the room, and back to Willy's side, where my eye was once more drawn to the book that lay open on the table before him. It was written in longhand. Beside it sat a moth-eaten quill pen and a dried-out inkwell.

  “Hey, Mouth, c'mere and translate somethin',” I said.

  He came over to where I was standing and looked down at the book. “‘Dear Abby… ’” he read.

  “Gimme a break,” I told him.

  “Okay, okay,” he said, and hunkered down to really try to read the pages the book was open to.

  And here's what it said, minus the words Mouth couldn't read or understand:

  “… would never have thought these men of seafaring heart to be so small in spirit and [ ]. For after the [ ] British sealed us in these three years ago, it was the fairest company a gentleman could ask in this our domain. Riches beyond [ ] and [ ].And then the women died, every one, in childbirth or [ ] and the men fell to [ ]. Some wanted to leave, but I could not, as captain, permit such desertion, so these men were [ ], [ ], [ ] the temptations of [ ] and began much fighting over the gold. We all were kings and still they fought. Three I beheaded to teach them [ ], and of Jilbahr I had to eat his heart for breakfast, to teach the others. After that there was order again. We drank and slept together. We were family once again, as no [ ] until Reno went mad, and [ ], [ ] no one left but my five loyal lieutenants, who joined me here to come to terms. Yet in less time than a [ ] they killed each other at my table while I watched with a great sadness. For many a lonely month I walked my [ ] and thought of [ ]. Nay, this cannot be, said I, they are not dead—it was but a trick these merry soldiers have played on me, to chastise me for my harsh disciplines. But no trick rotted their corpses at my table. I made to bargain with God, whom I had forsaken many these devilish years, and I told Him that if only He would send me the company of men, I would give a third of my gold to them and a third to the church. Yet nothing came to pass, so when I promised all my earthly treasure to the church, which caused me [ ]. I fell next into a [ ] rage, for my despair made me [ ]. I set traps to keep all men out of my kingdom, for now I hated all things and loved only my gold and myself and [ ]. And now the years have passed and I am not such a [ ]. I have accepted my place here in [ ] for it is proper that such a one as I would [ ]. I rue the misfortunes I have begot, I rue the world that seemed so careless. But do not think thee I rue my life, nor half a sun my time in this sacred place. Yet still there be time for reflection and [ ]. For since there be here now none to hear me, so will I speak to thee—thee in me that I have lost. Thou, thou Boy, hast taken sail from my soul, and it is to thee that I appeal for my redemption and my [ ]. Be thou strong before the mast and rejoice in thy bold youth—but then return to me, thou, that I may at last rest. And when thou hast returned and returned to me that boy who wast me, then to thine own manhood mayest thou go.

  I sit here now at my table with my guests. I await my next visitor with joy, and with the passion of a shared secret. I shall not move from this seat of honor until my honored and awaited visitor arrives, for to him I will my final will and testament which is [ ]. Take here what thee will. What was mine now is thine. Yet if thee take it all, do thou get it all—all the running from shadows, the [ ] greed, which hungers more, the more it is sated, the friendless old age, the grave of deep waters. Take rather that which is suited to the treasure thine own heart seeks and seek not for treasure cold and shiny, lest it lead thee to far caverns and chain thee there on a throne of waves, thou King of Empty Wishes.

  William B. Pordobel

  this 25th day of October, 1684

  We just stood there a minute when Mouth finished reading, kinda solemn. I tried to turn back some pages, to read more, but the whole book crumbled in my fingers.

  “Smooth move,” said Mouth.

  “C'mon, hurry it up, guys,” said Stef. “Those creepos still might be after us.…”

  “What're we gonna do?” said Andy.

  “I know,” I said. “The Hardy Boys did this once.…”

  The others went back to stuffing their pockets as I outlined my plan. “We can leave a trail of this stuff, leadin' to one of those skeleton caves. Then, if the Fratellis are still around, they'll follow the trail, while we hide in another cave and fake 'em out. Then we can make a run for it.”

  “That's a good plan.”

  We turned instantly to the door.

  It was Mama standing there, smiling, with her boys. “Real good plan,” she went on.

  Jake and Francis had swords from above deck. Mama still had her gun, which she pointed at us.

  I felt pretty scared, but Data just sorta freaked out. “That's it!” he screamed. “This is war! We will not be taken alive!”

  Now I, for one, was willing to be taken alive, but Data meant business. He shouted, “Intimidator!” and pulled one of his cords.

  His arms and legs began to expand, like he was growing muscles, and then lifts in his shoes elevated, and for a second he did look kind of intimidating, sort of like when the guy turned into a werewolf in The Howling, or like the Incredible Hulk. But then his muscles kept growing, just like the life raft, until they all exploded and brought him back down to size.

  Didn't phase him a bit, though. “Optional Bully Buster!” he screamed, and pulled another cord. In a second all these flash cubes he had tied to his coat began flashing, but they shorted out right away, I guess because of all the water we'd been in.

  So Data started pulling every cord on his body, while the rest of us just kinda stood there watching, sorta stunned. Green smoke filled his pants and coat but didn't go anywhere else. G.I. Joe toys popped out of his sleeves, firing tiny projectiles that hit the floor. Ball bearings rolled out of his cuffs. Bottle rockets, sparklers, firecrackers, bells—everything was shooting out of Data's body, but nothing was working. It was like a junk explosion.

  The Fratellis were enjoying the show. “This kid's better than Fourth of July in Asbury Park,” said Jake.

  There was suddenly a shower of sparks as Data short-circuited. Everyone flinched, and a big spark hit Mama's hand and she dropped her gun, and we ran like hell.

  Out the door, across the top deck. The Fratellis were right behind us, though, and tackled us in a sec. We were down and surrounded, with swords at our throats, when Mama walked over, slow and angry.

  “Up on your feet,” she said.

  We got up.

  “Now go on,” she said, “empty out all those goodies from downstairs. Move it!”

  We emptied our shirts and pants. Jewels and coins rolled onto the deck. The Fratellis were droolin' so much, I wanted to offer 'em a tissue.

  Mama walked over to Mouth and stared at him real hard. “You got awful quiet all of a sudden.”

  Mouth just smiled with his mouth closed.

  “C'mon, chum, open your yap,” said Mama.

  Mouth opened mouth, and about a pint of gemstones spilled out. Then Mama stuck her fingers inside and pulled out another three feet of beaded pearls. Mouth shrugged.

  “That about it, ladies and gents?” she asked, super polite.

  We all looked down at the floor.

  She nodded to her sons. “Tie 'em up,” she said, which they did. And when we were tied, they stood us in line at the edge of the deck. Right next to this diving-board thing that stuc
k out over the water. Sort of a plank.

  Mama smiled. “You wanna play pirate? We'll play pirate.”

  The plank stuck way out over what looked like a deep section of water. No squid in sight. Yet. But it was still kind of churned up from what had happened with him before.

  Mama paced back and forth in front of us, sword in hand, like a pirate queen.

  “You know, I've always wanted to do this,” she said. “Since I was a little girl. Wanted to have a bunch of snot-ass punks at my mercy and make 'em walk the plank. Me and my band of pirates. So, let's see, now, who's first? Who wants to help a grandma out with her dream come true? Who wants to belly-up and squirm for me so I can—”

  Andy kicked her in the shins, hard. “You gross old witch,” she shouted.

  Mama fell to the floor in pain but stood up before Jake or Francis could help her. Her eyes glimmered, and she brought the tip of her sword to Andy's throat. “Move it, sweetie,” she growled.

  Slowly Andy moved toward the board, then stepped out onto the plank at a little prodding from Mama Fratelli's cutlass. We just watched. I felt totally helpless and kind of sick. Andy looked so scared, and Mama looked so demented. It was like a bad dream you couldn't wake from. I started to cry.

  Andy walked to the end of the plank. She looked down. The surface of the water sparkled below. The brothers held us at knife point, facing the water, making us watch. Andy tried to say something, but her throat must've been as dry as mine. Mama was right behind her.

  “Hold your breath, sweetie,” cackled the old witch, and jabbed Andy with the blade.

  Andy jumped.

  And fell.

  She splashed into the water.

  She was gone.

  “No!” cried out Brand. He ran forward, out of line, and before anyone could stop him, his hands still tied, he leaped over the rail and followed her down to the murky depths.

  “Brand!” I yelled. But he was already under water, he couldn't hear.

  I closed my eyes. I didn't want to see them drown, or see the squid eat them, or see their heads bashed in on the shoal, or see sharks smell blood and come in, or see Mama's smile or Mouth's fear, or the jewels on the deck, or anything. All I wanted to see was my parents and my house, and the only way I was ever going to see that was to close my eyes.

  All I could hear was Mama Fratelli's cold, scabby voice. “Two down. Who's next?”

  They tied Mouth and Stef together, back to back. I heard Stef whisper, “How long can you hold your breath?”

  “An hour,” bragged Mouth. “Hour of Power, they call me.”

  “Be serious for once.”

  “Actually… about ten seconds. You were the one who was always champion of that underwater shit.”

  “Clarke?” she whispered. “When you run out of air, just turn your face to me and I'll share whatever I've got left.”

  Mouth looked really moved, you know, but the jerky Fratellis didn't give him a chance to say anything nice back. Mama just herded them over to the plank and pushed them to the edge. They lost their balance trying to avoid the sword's point and wobbled and started toppling over.

  That's when we all heard the scream.

  Not scared or wacked out. More like a Tarzan scream or a Crimson Pirate scream. More like a battle cry.

  We looked up to see Sloth swinging down from the mast. I mean, I didn't know his name was Sloth then, that's just what Chunk told me later. He wore a pirate hat and had a sword strapped to his waist, and he swung down on this heavy-duty rope and scooped up Mouth and Stef before they hit the water. Then he gave another bellow and kept swinging back up the deck, where he put them down like a box of candy.

  Then he faced Mama and his brothers, and growled that first animal growl I'd heard the day before in the lighthouse. Then he flexed all his muscles, and his shirt ripped and his chest bulged, and I swear I've never seen a better body in my life. It was totally awesome.

  “Hunk city,” said Stef. And she'd been around.

  With everyone's attention directed at this giganto pirate monster standing between us and the Fratellis, nobody much noticed Chunk climb over the side behind us. He picked up a knife off the floor and started cutting my bonds.

  “Chunk?” I whispered.

  “Captain Chunk to you,” he said softly, and kept cutting.

  Meanwhile Mama pointed her boys at Sloth. “Get him,” she ordered.

  Jake and Francis came slowly forward, swords extended. Sloth set himself like a defensive lineman. Francis swung his sword. Sloth ducked, came up holding Francis over his head, and threw his creepy brother all the way over to the foredeck. Francis landed with a crash, out cold.

  Chunk got me free, and both of us went to work on the other kids' knots.

  As soon as Jake got over his surprise at Sloth's swift move, he lunged for the big guy with his saber. And then I'll be damned if they didn't have a swordfight.

  My dad told me once about these kids called idiot savants, who are like born totally out-to-lunch about everything, except they each have one thing that they're a genius in. Like sometimes a kid like can't even tie his own shoes, but he's a musical genius and he plays concertos on the piano. Or maybe a kid can't talk or read or feed himself, but he might be a math genius and spends all his time writing equations and calculations and stuff.

  I think Sloth was a swordfight idiot savant.

  They went at it up the deck and down, in the rigging and on the rails, advancing and retreating and lunging and parrying and clanging away like real pirates. I mean, Jake was no slouch, but he was no Sloth, either. Sloth was just something beautiful to behold. I don't know, maybe he learned it from all the old pirate movies on TV or something. I mean, that's all he did, watch TV, right?

  Anyway, while that was goin' on, we got Data untied, and the others, too. As soon as Data was free, he screamed, “Pinchers of Peril!” and fired his clapping teeth right at Jake.

  Those Pinchers of Peril, man, they're Data's only invention that ever worked much. They shot out this time and clamped down right on Jake's crotch. Doubled him over. Sloth grabbed the sword from him and broke it in two and blasted him in the chin with a right uppercut that sent him skidding across the deck into a pile of cannonballs. Out for the count.

  Mama was just standin' there watchin' it all, real upset, like her party was wrecked or she hated seeing her children fight or something.

  We all ran to the rail. Andy and Brand were wading in the water right below us. “C'mon, jump!” called Brand.

  “How'd you get loose?” I shouted. Boy, was I ever glad to see them.

  “Cut my ropes on a broken bottle, and then I cut Andy's and pulled her to shallow water. Now quit yappin' and c'mon!”

  The other guys began jumpin' over the side. I turned back to see about Sloth and Mama. They were facing off near the hold, Sloth growling, Mama pointing her sword.

  “Okay,” she was saying, “so maybe I treated you bad, keepin' you locked up in that little room. It was for your own good, though.”

  Sloth growled louder and took another step toward her. Mama looked scared.

  “I ain't always been bad to you, though,” she said. “Don't you remember? When you were little? We had some good times then. Remember when I used to sing you to sleep?”

  Sloth grabbed the sword out of her hand and threw it overboard. Then he picked up Mama and carried her to the rail, ready to throw her overboard. She began to sing, though. “Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock…”

  Sloth stopped. Listening. He got this sweet, gentle smile on his face, like he was rememberin' a real warm memory, and he began to rock her in his arms.

  Seemed like he was gettin' second thoughts about what a creep his mom was, which didn't seem like such a good deal for us.

  “Mikey, c'mon!” shouted Mouth. They were already halfway across the lagoon. Nothin' more I could do here, so I jumped.

  I started wading as soon as I hit the water. Up top I heard Mama singin',
“When the bow breaks, the cradle will fall…”

  And Sloth dropped her into the water. And then he sang, in this really grotty voice, “And down will come baby, cradle and all.”

  Mama went under, and I took off as fast as I could, half swimming, half running. The rest of the guys were near the far shore already. Sloth climbed the rigging, grabbed hold of a rope, and swung out over the water, landing even farther than me. He made it to the shore a little before I did, and we all huddled there for a few seconds, catching our breath and figuring what to do next.

  I saw Mama climb back onto the ship—so that was one thing we didn't have to worry about immediately, at least. They weren't coming after us right away.

  And we were safe. And we'd found the treasure, and I'd found Willy, and we were all safe.

  I looked us all over, and my gaze came to rest on this totally weird demento in a pirate hat two sizes too small.

  Chunk stepped forward. “Guys, this is Sloth. He's just like us. A reject.”

  Sloth smiled and growled real low.

  “What are we gonna do now?” said Mouth.

  “I thought I saw some light comin' from behind those rocks over there,” said Chunk. We started workin' our way around the edge of the cavern, over these huge rocks, into the water sometimes, and then out. It was bringin' us closer to the ship again, which made me kinda nervous.

  All of a sudden I heard a loud clanking and looked up to see this trapdoor on deck fly open, and Willy's skeleton hoisted up to stand in front of the wheel. The opening trapdoor hit a cannonball, though, which rolled down a track until it hit a beam, which fell over, releasing, a bunch of loose rocks onto a balance that dislodged a bigger beam that was tied into the support system of a whole section of wall, causing the wall to start to collapse.

  The whole cavern shuddered and rumbled. Big sections of ceiling began caving in, dropping rocks down on the ship, on the water. On us. We ran toward where Chunk said was light.