During that summer, Philip developed eczema on his legs and he was wearing shorts. I asked Michael to take him to the corner shop for some milk, but he refused and asked me to put trousers on him to cover up his legs before taking him to the shop as he was embarrassed! How could he do that to his own flesh and blood?
I went to the doctor’s as I had missed my period. I very much hoped that I wasn’t pregnant again, but the doctor confirmed that I was. I was so shocked. I asked for another test but he said no.
There followed a difficult nine months, as this wasn’t planned. Michael promised to cut down on his drinking and try to give up smoking. He did manage it, but only for about two weeks, then he went back to the same routine all over again. He promised he would stay at home and if I went into labour he would walk around to my brother Stephen’s house and get him to call an ambulance.
This time I didn’t want Michael to be with me during the birth. I was in labour eleven hours and for most of the time I was on my own. My mother looked after Philip, as I was not comfortable leaving him with Michael.
Our second son, Jamie, was born on February 21st. The midwife was a lovely nurse and she told all the other mothers at this hospital that I was deaf and to treat me like a normal person. She made sure that the nurse remembered to wake me up during the night if Jamie needed to be fed. She could use British Sign Language, and she was a lovely nurse who had been married herself for seven years and badly wanted a family. Sadly she died a year later from cancer. I wanted to visit her, but she refused any visitors.
Michael once again promised to be more sensible with his drinking and would go outside if he needed to smoke, as I did not want him smoking in the house with Philip and Jamie there. He agreed to that, but he did not control his drinking. On the mornings before he went to work he would try to kiss me, but I would turn away as I felt sick. He would just look at me and laugh.
For some reason when I was in bed one morning and Michael was getting ready for work, I looked at him and thought, ‘My God, isn’t he ugly!’ I would feel sick if he came near me or tried to kiss me. I could not really understand why I was feeling like that. I just wanted to be kept away from him.
CHAPTER FOUR
Single mother
When Jamie was twelve weeks old I started thinking about divorce. I felt it would be better for Philip and Jamie and I also thought this was a way to protect them. I decided I did want a divorce, and I confronted Michael about it. He looked at me and laughed and said ‘You wouldn’t go ahead and do that, would you?’
It didn’t go well at all when he told his Uncle Russ of the situation, because Russ then turned up at our house shortly after. We were surprised, as we had never seen him since our wedding. He never came to see how Michael and I were getting on and if we needed any help. This was the first time I had seen him, and I confronted him and refused to let him in the house. I said ‘Stay where you are on the doorstep’. I was really angry with him. He came right up to my face, pointing his finger at me, and said ‘I am going to make absolutely sure that you, Philip and baby Jamie are going to be thrown out of the house. I have got a solicitor and he is a friend of mine and we are going to fight tooth and nail to have you out of the house’. He then reminded me that the money we had used as a deposit for the house was from Michael’s mother and that she had saved up the money for him. He was furious with me. His attitude toward me was unbelievable. He actually believed that I did not deserve to stay in the house and it was right that Michael would have his money if I were to move out.
Didn’t Uncle Russ once say to me ‘you are good for him?’ Now he was all against me. What was I supposed to have done to Michael? All this was going on after I had just put Philip and Jamie to bed upstairs. I was extremely upset and frightened that I would have to be removed from the house, and worried what would happen to three of us. I didn’t sleep for a very long time while all this was going around in my head.
I did not have a solicitor. I found one in Yellow Pages, but my mother got in touch with the Citizens’ Advice Bureau to ask them for help, and they said they would send us a list of solicitors and we could choose one. I was not very happy with the solicitor we saw. My mother called him and explained that I was deaf and that she would be coming along for support. While we were there, he would look at his watch every five minutes, which was making us uncomfortable.
Each time I had to see him I would have to tell my mother what had been going on between me and Michael and she would write everything down and come with me to the solicitor’s office while my father looked after Philip and Jamie. While we were at the solicitor’s office, he would leave the door open with his secretary next door so she could hear what my mother was saying. I did not think it was right, and felt we had no privacy. When we walked out of the office when we had finished our discussion I noticed that the secretary’s surname on her desk was Bland - I thought this was strange as my maiden name was Bland.
Michael and Uncle Russ were using a firm of solicitors opposite my solicitor’s office. Michael went along with everything his uncle said. He didn’t put up a fight and say that the children would be better off in the house.
A few weeks later it was time to go to court. On the day of the case, we had to travel to a court in Hartlepool, which my father drove us to. Michael and his uncle were there and Russ said to me evilly, ‘you will not be getting the house’. He made sure I understood that. He said ‘I am going to wait here on this chair till you come out of that room’.
There was only one interpreter for us, arranged by Russ for me and Michael. I had a photograph of a bruise on my back, which Michael had caused, and gave it to the solicitor. Michael admitted that he had done it.
I had to leave Philip and Jamie with my parents’ next-door neighbours while my parents drove me to the court. Michael was still adamant that I should be put into a council house and have our house sold and divide the money between us. He wasn’t interested in fighting for the children. The Judge asked Michael, ‘You want her to leave her home and live in a council house with your children?’ ‘Yes’ said Michael, but the Judge ordered that I was entitled to the house and contents till I remarried, co-habited or sold it. He decided that because I had the children and their welfare came first, I should live there. He ordered Michael to pay the mortgage, which was £10 a month for seven years (that was when the house would be paid for).
The Judge then decided that Michael would have Philip and Jamie on Saturdays from one o’ clock till five as custody on those days only, and if he wanted to see them more (to have them the whole weekend) then he would have to ask me. The court decided to put an injunction on him, and he was given 28 days to find somewhere else to live.
I knew that his aunts and uncles had houses with plenty of rooms within their homes, but not one of them offered Michael a room. I believe they did this on purpose, hoping that I would not be able to cope with him in the house and agree to move out myself. This meant I would have to co-habit with Michael for 28 days before he had to find somewhere else to live.
What was I going to do? I did think I could not bear it with a baby and a two-year-old child, but I did not have a choice. I decided that I had to make sure to use the kitchen when he went to work or when he went out. To use the bathroom I would keep out of his way until it was free, so I could look after Philip and the baby if I needed to, or use the bath. Every morning I would look out of my upstairs bedroom window and wait for him to go to work. Jamie’s cot was in there, and a small bed made for Philip because we shared my bedroom, while Michael used the back bedroom. Then I would come downstairs and use the house the way I liked it until he was due back from work. I would get on with looking after the children, feeding them, dressing them, and then leave the house go to my mother’s for our tea before Michael came home. We would not see each other, and when we all returned from my mother’s I would check that Michael was not in the house, then put the pram in the hall and get the boys ready for bed. Then we all stayed in my bedroom w
ith a bolt across the door to keep Michael out.
This did not stop Michael going out boozing with his friends or worrying about looking for somewhere to live. He couldn’t care less and he would return drunk night after night. I was worried for my life, for Philip and Jamie. I put up a calendar in the kitchen so that we could both see he had so many days remaining before he had to go, and I put big red crosses on the days gone by every day to count the days down. Philip, Jamie and I continued to share my bedroom, doing the same thing for 28 days. I would look out of the bedroom window and wait for him to leave the house so we could go downstairs and do the housework or play. It was important to do this as I didn’t want the children to feel restricted in the house.
When Michael came home from work I would go to my mother’s for a couple of hours, where I would have tea, wash and bath the children. When I eventually came home I would go to our bedroom, put Philip and Jamie to sleep and bolt the door, as Michael slept in the back bedroom. We did that for 28 days, until the day came when he was forced to leave the house. Did Michael put his children first? He hardly saw them for 28 days!
Michael and his Uncle Russ were hoping I would give up the house so that he could have the money. The children were not his priority, and I don’t call him a father. I detested Michael seeing them, but I had no choice. I was so thankful that the Judge had decided that I could live in the house so I could raise Philip and Jamie without being scared and trying to have a normal life without having to rely on my parents all the time.
I could not wait to see Russ’ face when I walked out of court. I said to him ‘I am not going anywhere and I am staying at that house’, and it felt so good saying that to him! He certainly wasn’t pleased - he never said a word! He immediately went over to his solicitor. I was pleased that I could stay at the house and no more looking out of the window all the time. The best thing was that Philip and Jamie could go back to their bedroom.
The day he had to leave the house, I said ‘I’ll help you pack your clothes and carry your suitcases out of the house for you’. I waved the calendar at his face, because finally the day had come! Because I had the house, I asked if he wanted the table, chairs and television. He said he did and took them with him to a house that his Uncle Russ found for him, but I never thought he would actually take them.
For the first time in a month I was able to relax and move freely around the house. It didn’t dawn on me that I was on my own with a five-month old baby and a little boy, no dining table or chairs, no television, no telephone, no car and very little money after the bills, but I still had my twin tub washing machine, which I really needed, especially washing the nappies every day!
We had to eat our breakfast, dinner and tea on the sofa. We would just have to manage without the television for a while. As soon as Philip and Jamie were in bed I would go to bed too.
The first few nights after Michael moved out, he would call around in the evening and ask me to reconsider. He promised he would change his behaviour and said he was sorry for all the aggravation he had put us all through over the past couple of months, but I wasn’t interested. I felt that I was now safe and certainly didn’t want to go through all that again. I said ‘No, please do not call around here again’. He did this four nights in a row, and I eventually say ‘if you keep harassing me again I am going to get the police’ (not really knowing how I would manage to get them to come). He never came around again after I said that.
Over the next few months I managed to save up for a second-hand table and chairs from a charity shop. I carefully worked out that I could afford to pay for a television on a weekly payment scheme from the little money I had. I was glad to be able to stay at the house as I felt it was a home for the three of us. This was just the type of stability I’ve wanted all along.
It was arranged by the court that Michael would have visiting rights on Saturday afternoons from 1pm-5pm. I was dreading every Saturday, when he would come for Philip and Jamie. I put Jamie in his pushchair and got Philip ready and had them at the front door. Michael never stepped inside the house. I decided it would be best to let the boys go outside the door as soon as Michael arrived. Then when they returned home I would open the door and let them in without any words between me and Michael. I would be really glad to see them and give the boys a hug and kiss, because I had been without them for the afternoon. I never asked them any questions about their afternoon with their father or anything.
There were times when I used to get them ready and he would not turn up! We used to play a game while we were waiting for him - ‘Do this’ putting my arms across or ‘Do that!’ if one of them got it wrong it would be ‘you’re out of the game!’ It was a ‘Simon Says’ type of game, but the aim was to copy everything I did when saying ‘do this’ but when I said ‘do that’ and you did it, you would be out. I was trying to keep their minds occupied as to not get them upset. But if he did not turn up, I would take them out myself.
One time it was Jamie’s birthday and Michael turned up without a birthday present. I had to remind him! The following week he arrived with a Ghostbusters van, which Jamie absolutely loved.
Michael would come most weekends, but he never once gave me any money towards the kids’ new shoes or new coats for the winter. He would spend his money on drinks or cigarettes. At this point, there was no law to make fathers or mothers pay child support for their children.
He would sometimes bring Philip and Jamie back within two hours and tell me he was bored. But it was different when he had a new girlfriend, because he would turn up and drop them off after the full five hours. He had wanted to show this new girlfriend what a great father he was!
One Saturday when he turned up to pick up the children, he was very angry with me. He said ‘Why have you reported me to the CSA?’ I didn’t know what he was talking about; I hadn’t reported him to anyone. I told him this, but he didn’t seem to believe me. It turns out that Margaret Thatcher had created the Child Support Agency in 1990, and in 1993 it became law that child support was paid. It cost him £5 a month for each child. Michael never apologised or brought it up again.
Michael’s girlfriends would come and go, but he saw one particular one for a while and I knew she wasn’t deaf. One day I saw this woman standing on the other side of the street just staring at my house. I thought nothing of it at first, but when I realised she was still just standing looking at the house I began to wonder who she was and what she wanted. For about five or ten minutes she still was standing there. I ran upstairs to get a better view of her and it then became clear that she was pregnant. I went back to the living room and then opened the curtains and waved her off. She just walked away.
I did find that very strange and wondered if Michael was going to be a father again. Then a couple of months later she was standing at the same spot looking at the house again, but this time she had a baby in a pram. I did not want to know. At first I just ignored her, but she did not move, so I opened the net curtains and waved her off again. I have no idea why she did this or what had happened to her, and I never saw her again.
Not very long afterwards Michael brought a new girlfriend a few times, and I was shocked when I had got Philip and Jamie ready to take them to the door to see that this woman had a big bruise on the left side of her face. I did not say anything, but I was not surprised. He asked if Philip and Jamie could go to his wedding, as he was getting married again. I refused to allow this as I was not sure how well Philip and Jamie would be looked after in a room full of strange people, and no one at the wedding would know our sons well.
His new wife was already pregnant with his child. When he picked Philip and Jamie up for his Saturday ‘duty’, as I called it, he was delighted to announce that he had had a baby daughter! This meant that Philip and Jamie now had both a half-brother and half-sister by then. Did I want to know? I wasn’t the slightest bit interested!
Michael was now already a father of four. I was very uncomfortable and very unhappy about having Philip and
Jamie at his house with his new wife, as I knew the area was a bit rough and he did have a very big dog. I gave him a list of foods that Jamie could or couldn’t have to eat, and warned him that both Philip and Jamie could not go near dogs or cats. However when Jamie returned I noticed he was not very well. I was very concerned and kept myself awake all night checking on Jamie. I was worried, as Jamie was wheezing and his eyes were all puffed up during the night. I kept very calm and took all of us to the hospital, where I was told he had to stay overnight.
The following week when Michael came for them I explained that I had had to take Jamie to hospital because he was allergic to the dog. I had already told him about keeping the dog away and I held him responsible. ‘Oh well, he’s fine now isn’t he?’ was his response.
He never knew that I had taken Jamie to hospital for treatment for his asthma and never questioned or took any interest.
Then on his Saturday babysitting he started coming on his own, and told me he was no longer married and was getting divorced again after less than a year of marriage. He did not see his daughter.
When Philip was starting school full time I went to see Michael at his friend’s flat. At that time I was struggling with money. When I asked if he was going to pay for Philip’s school uniform he said no. After that I never asked him for anything ever again.
Shortly after that he met a woman who was a lot older than him. I thought she was not very pretty and that somehow I recognized her from somewhere, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Michael went to live with her at her house and when Philip and Jamie came back from there Philip said her surname was Bland. That’s when I knew - she was that secretary I had seen when I went to the solicitor for my divorce.
I was astonished to realise that this woman must have listened to our conversations and typed letters to be sent to me, all about the bruises and the house, all the things he had done to me, and yet she was willing to have a relationship with him. She would sometimes come with Michael in her car, and sometimes he would come with her daughter. She had a daughter and grandchildren and a son slightly older than my sons and Michael was living with her for nothing, as I later found out. Philip and Jamie would and stay at her house for couple of hours, and it was difficult because her son had everything, but as we did not have the luxury of having the best toys and games, her son James would enjoy rubbing his nose to them (I have recently found out about it and that really hurts me) because he had all the best stuff.
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