It was not long afterwards that the boys started telling me they did not enjoy seeing their father on Saturdays because they found it boring having to stay in the house watching television. Michael did not take them anywhere. He was giving them one pound pocket money each. Then one Saturday before Michael came for them Philip said ‘I don’t want to go with my dad today, I want to play with my friends’. By then he was about 10 years old. I said. ‘That’s fine, if that is what you want to do’. Philip looked at me in a surprise. ‘Go and play with your friends’ I said. He asked Jamie to tell his father that he was not going to be with him today.
Then I asked Jamie what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go with Dad. I said that was fine. Jamie continued to see his dad for a little while, and Michael continued giving him a pound pocket money and nothing for Philip. Then Jamie too decided not to see him anymore. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t delighted. It was their decision and was entirely up to them.
Then Michael’s girlfriend Maureen came to the door and said ‘I am going to take you to court because Michael has every right to see them. I know what I am talking about, I work for the solicitor’. Did I lose any sleep over it? Certainly not! Did she keep her words? Of course not. What did Michael say? Absolutely nothing.
I did find being a single mother very hard, but I just had to get on with it. We didn’t have the luxury of toys and games like PlayStation or Gameboy, or a small television or computer of the kind most boys would have in their bedroom. I had to get on with it and bring my sons up the best possible way I could. They are the centre of my world. I would walk through fire for them; I would walk on burning coals barefoot for them.
When Jamie was seven months old his skin developed a very bad eczema. I took him to the doctors and wrote on a bit of paper to explain the problem, and he was given cream to be rubbed gently all over the body from the neck all the way to his feet. I was told not to use any soap when he had his baths. I used the cream three times a day, and some nights I would wake up to comfort him as he would scratch his skin and bleed (there was a long lead from the flashing lamp in my bedroom to his).
After a while I didn’t think the cream was helping him, so I decided to take him back to the doctor’s. When he saw me he immediately wrote me a prescription even before I opened my month! I wrote a note telling the doctor I wanted more help about his skin, but he must have thought I was an over-reacting mother. He asked if I would like to see a dietician, and I said yes.
My mother and I went along to see the dietician and my mother explained that I was deaf and told her about Jamie’s skin condition. When she saw me she looked at me as if she had never met a deaf person before. I get that all the time!
She examined Jamie’s skin and explained to us that the food I was giving him could cause his skin to develop soreness. She gave me a list of food items and their contents, preservatives, additives and E numbers. We were surprised, as we had never known about this and I was making baby food myself to save money. I had to learn and read the labels on every food and change the way I made the food. Slowly and gradually Jamie’s skin began to improve, and it was wonderful to see him looking healthier, with a smooth skin. He was now a happier baby and I did not have to wake up through the night. I had been right to persuade the doctor.
For Jamie’s development checks I regularly went to see the same health visitor, and I was apprehensive at having to see the same one when she was checking his growth, his vision and his weight for a few months. Nothing was said about his hearing, but one day when I arrived she said to me, ‘I am sorry but there is something wrong with his speech and he is not saying anything much’. At 20 months old? She suggested that he would have to see a speech therapist as his speech was not coming on at all. Again I was very upset. I straight away went to see my mother and she could not believe it. ‘What is she talking about?’ she said. ‘There’s nothing with wrong with his speech, it’s coming along fine! What it is about this health visitor? Don’t worry, when you have the appointment I will go with you.’
When we went to see the speech therapist I took Jamie’s favourite book and the security blanket that he always had with him, and we sat with the lady again. Once again she looked at me as if she had never seen a deaf person before. My mother explained that I was deaf and there was nothing wrong with Jamie’s speech and that he read books with my mother without any problems. But when she produced his favourite book Jamie was stubborn, and refused to say one word!
It was so funny during that half an hour with the speech therapist that Jamie refused to say a word and clutched his favourite book onto his chest, refusing to let it go! Eventually he did manage to say ‘car’ and ‘pup’ (cup), but he was only one and a half years old. Did he have speech problems? No! In fact he soon turned into quite a chatterbox.
We were told there and then that we would not require another appointment. Why was this? Was I being judged just because I was a deaf mother? What does that have to do with anything? Was the health visitor right? Was she being professional? Did she know exactly what she was talking about? Judge for yourself. It was all absolutely unnecessary and it caused me a lot of heartache and anxiety for nothing.
I believed in routine and discipline. I would always make sure the boys had their feeds and sleeps at the same time every day, with baths before bed, and I would read stories to them before they went to sleep. I never smacked my sons as I didn’t think it was necessary, and I never used dummies as I didn’t see the need. I absolutely loved looking after them and I always made sure they were clean, fed and happy.
One day when Jamie was about two years old he came into my bedroom looking pale and ill. I couldn’t understand why, and noticed his breathing was not normal. I panicked, walking around the house and wondering how I could get a doctor. It was two o’clock in the morning and all I could think of was write down the phone number and to knock my next door neighbour’s door. I did feel awful for waking her up as she was an old lady (bless her, she has since died). I asked her to call the doctor. She only opened the door a little - not that I blamed her at that hour. I gave her the paper with the doctor’s telephone number and she opened the door and asked me for some money!
As I waited I got more worried looking at Jamie wheezing. When the doctor arrived at our house communication was difficult, which didn’t help the situation as I got more upset and frustrated. When the paramedics arrived again there was a breakdown in communication as they were asking me a lot of questions. We were all taken to hospital, only to be faced with more questions from the nurse and doctor about what was wrong with Jamie.
Then I was told Jamie had to be kept in overnight. Philip and I went home, and when I returned I had to take Philip to the hospital because I could not leave him on his own at home. It was horrible to have to put Philip in his bedroom without Jamie.
The next day when I went to the hospital my father was there and spoke to the doctor, who told me that Jamie had asthma. I was very upset, but I could see he was improving with medication, and he was allowed home.
I received a letter to attend the outpatient department at the hospital for Jamie’s asthma treatment. When we met the doctor, he told my mother that he had never met a deaf person before and said he would like to learn. I was amazed that he wanted to learn, as it’s very rare to hear a doctor say that. Some of the nurses had attended classes to learn British Sign Language and he was happy for the nurse to come in the room after Jamie’s checks up on his health. He always took his time and was happy for me to ask questions, and he always made sure I understood the medication fully. I have never met another doctor like him. He was a wonderful doctor and wanted to help in every way he could.
Jamie was given quite a lot of medication and a nebulizer, which he had to use three times a day. I was bit nervous about giving Jamie those medications, as I wanted to do it right. I explained that it was difficult for me to get help when Jamie had an asthma attack as I would have to ask my neighbour, then wait for the doctor,
then the ambulance, then to be taken to hospital.
Dr Wyatt listened and said he would write a letter so that next time Jamie needed the hospital I would only need to go straight to the hospital with the letter and show it to the receptionist. That would help to make things easier for Jamie and myself. Philip too was developing asthma and I required them both go to the hospital to see Dr Wyatt. I have never forgotten what he did for all of us.
As Philip and Jamie were growing up I was very careful with the little money I had and I always made sure that they was plenty of food on the table, plenty of warmth and clothes so they did look smart and clean at all times. They didn’t have fancy brands like Reebok or Nike. As far as toys and computer games were concerned I was not able to afford them as other families did, but I did my best at Christmas time and birthdays.
We went on holiday to Whitby one year and stayed in an apartment the next year. We went to Haven in a caravan; my father drove us there. We have wonderful memories of those times. The holiday was paid for by the church from a charity organization.
When my sister had a car she would take us to Preston Park, Saltburn or Redcar at weekends in the summer. Sometimes we would take a picnic with my nieces. My mother would wallpaper my house for me to keep the house homely and my father did some painting outside to keep it presentable.
Around this time, new technology came out for deaf people called telecommunications for the deaf. It was used by many deaf people, but I did not have the money to have an installation by British Telecom. My grandmother offered to pay £160 for the phone line to be installed at my house. Text phone, sometimes called Minicom, is similar to a standard telephone. It plugs into your socket at home and the display lets you type and read conversations.
She phoned Social Services to ask for Textphone but the social worker refused. My grandmother was furious. She rang them several times and eventually they agreed to let me have one. It looked very much like a typewriter on which I could type a message to another Textphone so another deaf person could read it or if I wanted to get in touch with hearing people I would have to use a special number to connect to RNID, the Royal National Institution for the Deaf. Someone would read my message and call the hearing person on the other end, then type out what the hearing person said. But it is more expensive to use than a normal phone, and how would I know if someone had called me?
Again you would have to get in touch with the social worker to send an electrician to come to your house, put in a box and install the textphone. When someone called, the lights in my house would turn on and off quickly, and I would then know that I was receiving a message. I would then type ‘Hello’ and have a conversation with another deaf person.
The only problem I had was that the lights would only work downstairs, not upstairs. The social worker (a different one this time) knew I was deaf and if I was upstairs I would miss the call, also if I was asleep. I found out that other deaf people’s homes did have every room light working when the phone rang, and the doorbell too. If I was upstairs I would miss that. My grandmother phoned them for me and explained that it was stupid just to have the downstairs light working.
I have never liked social workers, because I have always felt that they were not there to help me but to save money.
Philip and Jamie went to the nursery, which was within the Catholic primary school at Sacred Heart, and they continued to go to school there at the same area near the nursery. I believed that they would receive the best education there. We all attended mass every Sunday and sometimes we would attend with the school pupils at the church. Once a month at the deaf mass the priest used sign language. Sometimes Philip would be an altar boy.
I had never missed their school plays or parents’ evenings and I continued to do so at the secondary school. When Philip left the school he got five GCSEs (Maths D, English D, PE C, Geography F, Science D). He hated going to school and never liked the people there, and he could not wait to leave. He decided to go to a college of performance art to do drama, but didn’t enjoy it. He then did several jobs and worked at a pizza shop, and one day he came home from the Job Centre and said he had got a new job, at Butlins at Minehead - so far away!
He was nineteen years old with no money, and he was going to be working in the kitchen serving fish and chips! I waved him off at the bus station, very upset. Jamie said to me he thought it was time I got a mobile phone, but I was not sure if I would be able to use it. Jamie told me to buy one and he would show me how to use it to text Philip. I was then able to text Philip any time. He would text me saying he did not like working there as some people were taking drugs and his bedroom was flooded, but the managers did not care. In the end he came home that weekend and never went back! Thank God for mobile phones. That was my first ever mobile phone at the age of 40 years old!
Philip’s next job was at Garland Call Centre and he then left to work for British Gas, then there was a car wash job and a job at the Gazette. He was not happy there, so he decided to be a car salesman like Jamie. In the end he decided to go back to the Gazette, where he now has a permanent job as manager of the newspaper office.
When Jamie left school he did well, with GCSE Drama D, English Speaking B, English Language C, English Literature D, Maths D, Geography D, Science D. he was always interested in joinery and he started to do an apprenticeship at Carillion to learn joinery. When he finished his apprenticeship at 18 he worked for an agency for a year and half, but he was always in and out of jobs. He got a bit fed up, so he left and worked in a call centre for Virgin for five months. He was not happy working there either. He got NVQ 1,2,3, in vehicle sales, which equates to a Diploma. He went to work for Reg Vardy/Evans Halshaw and still works there today.
When my sons both started working I got the most wonderful surprise at Christmas - a new automatic washing machine! That was a luxury for me. I could vacuum and dust while the clothes were being washed, all at the same time, and I didn’t have to use rubber gloves anymore! I never knew how much easier it would be just put in the clothes in, then take them out and hang them on the line.
CHAPTER FIVE
Defeating depression
I did wonder when I was going to get a letter from Michael, as it had been 19 years since we had last seen him and I would have to be prepared for him to want his money from the house and to have the house sold and divide the money between us as Jamie turned 17, but I received nothing. Then in 2008 I received a letter from a solicitor on behalf of Michael instructing me to sell the house. I got very upset as I was only working part time. I had to rely on my sons to make phone calls and arrange for a solicitor and go with me to see the solicitor on their days off. I got some photos taken of the rooms in the house to take to the solicitors to prove that I had spent a lot of money on the house, redecorating every room, having the central heating put in and a new boiler, plus new doors and a new bathroom. I had letters coming and going to the solicitors. However we did come to an agreement on the price of the house. I then had to get a mortgage, so I had to ask Jamie on his day off work to go to see a financial adviser. Fortunately we were able to get a mortgage and pay Michael off. That meant we all were finally free of him. We have not seen or heard from him since then.
I started to eat more unhealthy food, like fish and chips or Chinese takeaways. I would buy a box of chocolates and hide it because I wanted to eat them all myself - I would eat the lot in one night, and very soon I put on a lot of weight. I couldn’t understand why - I didn’t seem to care, just carried on eating, and I didn’t have a period for a long time. I would always feel tired, but never had any sleep. I would lie awake in bed.
It took me a long time to realize that I had depression. I think it was due to the fact that I was at home looking after my son’s and my own daily life with little money and little social life. I was depressed for about seven years and wanted to go to the doctors but kept putting it off, as I knew communication would be difficult. I found food and chocolate comforting. It took me a while to buck up the co
urage and go to consult Dr Smith (I had been told his son was deaf) by writing it down on paper. He give me low dosage anti-depression tablets. I did later go to see him again to ask if I could get counselling, but he refused.
I really wanted to do something with my life, and when I learned that other deaf people were teaching hearing people sign language I was very interested. However I felt I was too fat and ugly to do that, but I did not really know who to ask about it. I just happened to mention it to this man called Keith Williams who worked at the deaf club as advocated for the deaf people. He was deaf himself, and he was helpful and advised me to go to college and do curriculum training. I thought that if I went to college to be a teacher and got a job teaching it would motivate me to go out of the house more.
I decided to do regular exercise and take up running, and I soon learned to change the way I ate. I bought myself a book about foods, because I knew I could not attend the Weight Watch class as I would not be able to follow the teacher. I saw a Weightwatchers book which I found simple to follow with interesting and different foods. I could have as much fruit and vegetables as I liked, and there were plenty of pictures, which helped me to understand better and only cost £7 in a sale. I still use it today!
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