Nudist Cruise

by Hailey McPherson

  Chapter 14: Hong Kong

  I woke up earlier than usual since we went to sleep pretty early the night before. After Liam got to walk around the ship naked, we went back to our cabin and spent some quality time together. It had been a long day, so we both fell asleep right after.

  The ship docked in Hong Kong in the middle of the night, so the city was there waiting for us when I woke up. My plan was to take our American junk food to my apartment instead of having a morning jog, but they told me that I could not get off the ship until 8 am – something about clearing immigration. It did not matter that I was a resident of Hong Kong and don’t need a tourist visa. Or even that Americans who don’t live there don’t need a visa for short stays. The clerks on the Hong Kong side would not be there to let anyone in until eight o’clock.

  So I put on my running clothes and went up to the sports deck. It was pretty early and I was the only one on the deck. It was a warm Hong Kong summer morning and the deck was completely deserted. I thought it might be an interesting time to give naked jogging a try, but the ship was docked and nudity was not allowed.

  “I only want to get naked when there’s no one else around,” I laughed to myself. “But that’s never naked time, which is why there’s no one else around. When it’s ok to get naked, there are too many people around to get naked.”

  By the time I finished my morning jog, took a shower and got dressed, it was eight o’clock. I put one of our last peanut butter cups on Liam’s sleeping naked penis and dragged our carry-on bags full of American junk food away. A peanut butter cup on his penis is better than a post-it note any day. I knew that if he woke up before I got back, he would know where I went. He would never even notice a post-it note, and we did not have any with us anyway.

  My apartment is about a thirty minute walk from the pier, but I had two bags full of food, so I took the MTR. I don’t think I have ever seen it as empty as it was that morning. I usually take it to work much later in the day when it is full of people. This was a public holiday, so most people did not have to work, and most of the big holiday activities started later in the day.

  As long as I was going to my apartment, I brought all of my clothes from the ship. So I took a fresh batch of clothes from my apartment back to the ship. It felt kind of weird to go into my apartment in the middle of a vacation to another country, but this trip was full of weird things.

  My friends Livia and Hiram were sleeping in my bed when I walked into the bedroom. They had moved into my apartment when Liam moved to Mainland China, and they always slept in my bed when I was out of town. I got my new clothes as quietly as I could, but I could not help but notice that they were naked under the sheets. Livia had a naked leg sticking out like she was posing for a magazine cover in her sleep and Hiram’s bare butt was just hanging out. Liam has a nice butt, but I have to say I like Hiram’s better. It is the kind of butt you just want to grab onto.

  I had a busy day ahead, so I had to stop watching my naked roommates sleep and get back to the ship full of naked people. Just for fun, I left a peanut butter cup on Livia’s pillow. I knew that when she woke up she would have no idea where it came from, especially since we can’t get them in Hong Kong and they did not know that I was coming back to the apartment in the middle of the cruise. And they really did not know that Liam and I found that store in Xiamen.

  I went into the bathroom to make my bladder happy and never heard Hiram wake up. Apparently he did not hear me either because he walked right into the bathroom while I was sitting on the toilet. The bathroom door never locks and we have had some problems with it in the past, but we have mostly come to an understanding. Whenever the door is closed, don’t open it. This time, Hiram thought that I was away on vacation, so I can’t really blame him for barging in.

  We were both pretty surprised when the door opened and Hiram’s morning erection was staring me in the face. I have seen all of Hiram before, but never at attention. I was mostly surprised. He scared the pee out of me. Later on, I thought more about how wonderfully lucky Livia is.

  Liam was still asleep when I got back on the ship, so I took off my clothes, slipped into bed and took advantage of him. By nine o’clock I had already gone jogging, gone to my apartment, unpacked two bags of food, packed a bag of clothes, seen my best friend’s boyfriend in all his glory mere inches away from my face and ravished my own boyfriend. Maybe the army does more by 9 am than most people do all day, but I do more interesting things by 9 am.

  Both Liam and I had busy days ahead of us, so I kissed him goodbye and went downstairs to meet Earl and Edna for their big day in Hong Kong.

  “Is it ok if we’re dressed like this?” Edna asked me.

  At first, I thought she was asking because they were nudists and they were wearing clothes.

  “We don’t want to look like tourists,” Earl added.

  “The guide book says you’re never supposed to look like a tourist,” Edna said.

  “You don’t look Chinese,” I told them. “Everyone will assume you’re a tourist no matter how you dress.”

  “We just don’t want to draw attention to ourselves,” Earl said.

  “I’ve lived here for two years and people still stare at me,” I told them. “If I live here for a hundred years, people will still think I’m a tourist because I’m not Chinese. But it doesn’t matter. Believe me, this is the largest city you’ll ever go to where personal safety won’t be an issue at all.”

  Earl pulled an expensive looking camera out of his backpack.

  “You think I’ll be ok with this?” he asked.

  “Nobody’s getting robbed today,” I told them. “I guarantee it.”

  I wanted to say “not on my watch”, but I knew that would have been too much.

  Obviously I could not guarantee it, but Hong Kong is a relatively safe city as long as you are not particularly stupid. American tourists are always afraid of being mugged. That is mostly because people get mugged in most big American cities every day. Crime in Hong Kong is incredibly low for a city its size.

  When we got off the ship, Earl and Edna expected to get on one of the tourist buses that were waiting nearby.

  “Nope,” I said. “We’re turning right and walking down a few blocks.”

  Walking was not something they were used to doing on cruise excursions. Usually you go straight from the ship to a bus and the bus drives for an hour. Instead, we walked for about five minutes to get to one of the main attractions in Hong Kong and the top site on Earl and Edna’s list.

  “In a couple of hours this place will be jam packed with people,” I said as we walked up to the Avenue of the Stars. “You might as well see it now while there’s still room to see anything.”

  Their cameras immediately came out and they took pictures of the harbor and island.

  “Plus, it’s so close to the ship,” I added.

  “Why will it be full of people?” Earl asked.

  “The dragon boat races will be right here,” I said, pointing to the harbor.

  “Can we watch that from here?” Edna asked.

  “Yes, but it will be very crowded,” I answered.

  “We don’t mind,” Earl said.

  I could tell that I was not giving them an adequate impression of just how crowded it was going to be.

  “Not Omaha crowded,” I said. “New York City on New Year’s Eve crowded. There will be millions of people here all jockeying for the best space.”

  Nothing scares people from the Midwest like New York, and they agreed with me that it was better to leave before the races started.

  “You can probably get a better view from the ship anyway,” I told them.

  The cruise ship was docked in Victoria Harbour, so the dragon boats would go right by it. I had never been on a cruise ship on Dragon Boat Day, but I knew the view from the top deck had to be pretty good. It was much higher than the viewing platforms near the clock tower.

  Our next stop was Victoria Peak. I figured we should do that right
away since it was the second thing on their list and the sooner we went there, the sooner we could cross the harbor again. If we explored Kowloon first, getting to Victoria Peak during the dragon boat races would be difficult.

  Earl and Edna’s first ride on the MTR was an adventure, even if it was only two stops. They offered to pay me to play tour guide, but I would not accept it. Instead, they agreed to pay for all of our transportation around Hong Kong. What they did not know was that with my Octopus card, I could go pretty much everywhere without so much as a ten cent coin.

  The first thing we did in the MTR station was get them day passes because I knew we would be using the MTR plenty that day.

  “The day just started and you’ve already done more for us than we ever would have figured out on our own,” Earl told me when he and his wife got their cards.

  I had not really done anything yet, but when you are from Mason City, Iowa, the Hong Kong transportation network can be a very confusing place to navigate. The MTR system that I use every day was an endless labyrinth to them.

  “I don’t see how anyone ever figures this out,” Edna said, amazed that we were not getting lost.

  The Hong Kong MTR system is actually pretty easy. I don’t just say that because I live there. It is a simple system with only a few lines. I have seen some that are far more complicated and require an abacus to calculate the time schedules.

  Once we were done with the MTR, we went to the Peak Tram. They loved the ride up and wanted to take pictures all the way.

  “The view will be a lot better at the top,” I told them.

  You can always tell who has never taken the ride before by all the cameras trying to get pictures between the trees and buildings on the way up the mountain. People who have done if before know that there are plenty of unobstructed views as soon as the ride is over.

  It was not the dirtiest day in the world, so the view was pretty good. It was not the cleanest day either, but for their first visit it was acceptable. Sometimes it is so bad that you can’t even see the buildings on Hong Kong Island. On this day we could actually see the Kowloon side. We could even see our ship. They were pretty excited when I pointed it out. I was more impressed with the zoom lens on Earl’s camera. He could take a close up of the ship all the way from the Peak.

  Most tourists look at the harbor view, do some overpriced tourist shopping and leave. I took them around to the other side and showed them views of the South China Sea they never expected. The view of the skyscraper forest around the harbor is what most people think of Hong Kong, but if you look around a little, Hong Kong is surrounded by natural beauty. I would have taken them into the New Territories if only we had more time. That area looks nothing like the stereotypical Hong Kong that all the tourists expect to see.

  The tour that they originally booked would have taken them to the escalator at Mid-Levels, which is often called the longest escalator in the world. It was never on their list of things they wanted to see, but after they heard about it, they were curious. After I told them that it was not actually one long escalator but several escalators all lined up one after another, they agreed with me that it was something they could skip.

  It is in a neighborhood that is popular with expats and western tourists, but I tried to show them the Chinese version of Hong Kong. I don’t really see the point of going to Hong Kong if you are just going to hang out with other foreigners. If you live in Hong Kong and want a taste of home, that’s one thing, but if you are an American in Hong Kong for one day, don’t bother. That’s like going to Italy and eating at McDonald’s.

  Something they wanted to see that was not on their tour was the Hong Kong Museum of Medical Sciences. That is not too far from the escalator, so we ended up taking it part of the way anyway. After standing on one stretch of the escalator and then walking on the pavement to the next part, they agreed with me that it was really several different escalators and not one very long one.

  We walked through the winding streets to the museum and they were amazed that I knew where I was going.

  “There’s no way we’d find this place on our own,” Earl said to me.

  “We’d already be lost,” Edna added.

  I did not actually know where the museum was. I had never been there before, but I knew what street it was on and I knew more or less how to get there.

  The museum was not the kind of place I’m interested in, but Earl is a doctor and he loved looking at Hong Kong’s version of past medical technologies. I think Edna agreed with me that it was the kind of thing most people can skip on their visit to Hong Kong.

  I wanted to take them to Kowloon since that is more authentic Chinese Hong Kong than international Hong Kong Island, and one of the things on their list was to take the Star Ferry across Victoria Harbour. We were already pretty close to the ferry pier, but I convinced them that it would be too much trouble because everyone was setting up the dragon boat races. Our cruise ship had better views of the harbor than the Star Ferry anyway.

  After all that walking up and down hills, we were all ready for lunch. If I had been with Liam, we probably would have gone back to the ship to eat. The food there was free and there was a lot more than Chinese. Since Earl and Edna don’t live in China, they wanted to eat Chinese food.

  They had a list of restaurants they were told to try, but all of them were the overpriced tourist restaurants that don’t always have real Chinese food. I had been to one of the restaurants on their list and it was not bad, but it was not authentic Chinese, and a single meal cost more than what an average Chinese family eats all week. Earl and Edna were not concerned about the price. They expected to spend a lot of money on their big vacation to the exotic Orient. But in Hong Kong, the best meals are the cheapest.

  I took them to a little shack I knew pretty well and they were surprised by how small and dirty it was.

  “Are you sure this is the place?” Edna asked me.

  “The guide books never show you anything that looks like this,” Earl said.

  “We can go to the kind of place you’re thinking about,” I told them. “But the food here will be a hundred times better.”

  I was right about everything else and I obviously knew my way around, so they were willing to trust me.

  “If you don’t like it, we’ll go somewhere else,” I offered.

  They were not impressed by the ambiance. They were expecting bright red carpet with large, round tables like the Chinese restaurant on the cruise ship, not rickety card tables and plastic stools. They were expecting tourist Chinese, but I was showing them real Chinese.

  The menu had no English or pictures, so they let me order everything. When the food arrived, it did not look anything like they expected. I’m sure they thought I lost my mind, and I was almost ready to take them somewhere more upscale, but once they tasted it, they loved it.

  “This is the best Chinese food I’ve ever had,” Earl announced.

  “This might be the first time we’ve ever had authentic Chinese food,” Edna agreed.

  “I don’t think we’ll ever look at Chinese take-out the same way again,” Earl said.

  I knew that they would like the authentic Chinese food more than the tourist Chinese food. The funny thing is, I actually prefer American Chinese food to real Chinese food.

  “Where’s the fortune cookie?” Earl asked.

  They wanted to go to Temple Street night market, but that is a night market and we had to be back on the ship before it opened. During the day it is just a street. So I took them to the Ladies Market instead. It is more for tourists than locals, but they wanted that Hong Kong street shopping experience and the Ladies Market is more old style Chinese than a giant shopping mall like IFC.

  The benefit to living in Hong Kong is that I know how much everybody tries to inflate their prices, especially to tourists, and I know what a reasonable price should be. Edna was looking at some decorative chopsticks and the woman selling them told her that they were HK$500.

  “That
’s only $65,” Edna said as if that was a good deal.

  “No,” I told her. “That’s way too high.”

  Using Chinese numbers, I talked the woman selling them down to HK$75. Anyone can haggle down at least half the price, but if you use Chinese, you can almost get local prices.

  “You saved me 85% just by speaking Chinese,” Edna said, amazed.

  “It would’ve been lower if I looked Chinese,” I told her.

  Knowing numbers in Chinese helps, but even if I could speak the language fluently, I still would not look like one of them. If you look Chinese, no matter where you are from, you can get the lowest possible prices. If you are white, no matter how well you can speak Chinese, you are going to pay more.

  “That’s just a fact of life in Hong Kong,” I told Edna.

  Earl was even more impressed when we did some electronics shopping in Mong Kok. I know the area very well since I live there, so I knew a few places to go without getting fake Chinese bootlegs. When the people in the shop saw three foreigners coming, their eyes lit up with dollar signs. Every original price they offered was at least a thousand percent higher than it should be.

  Earl was disappointed that the prices were so high. He had heard about all the cheap electronic toys available in Hong Kong and here everything was expensive. I talked a few shopkeepers down to some reasonable prices, but nothing was the bargain basement discount that Earl was looking forward to bragging about back home.

  “That’s for the cheap Chinese counterfeits that fall apart in a week,” I told him. “Genuine electronics are going to cost the same as you can get back home.”

  It is probably not a good idea to buy electronics from a city you are only staying in one day anyway. If anything goes wrong, you can’t take it back. On a cruise ship, turning around and going back is never going to be an option.

  After all that shopping and non-shopping, they wanted to see more Hong Kong culture. The next thing on their list was the Symphony of Lights display at Victoria Harbour, but that is only at eight o’clock at night and we had to be back on the ship by six o’clock. The Symphony of Lights is a light and laser show from the big commercial buildings on the Hong Kong side of the harbor. It only lasts for a few minutes, but they do it every night and millions of people go to watch it. On big holidays, especially New Year’s Eve and Chinese New Year, they put on more elaborate fireworks shows.