by Vikki Vaught
“When I met Helen, I was only interested in finding a mother for my daughters. I asked her to marry me two weeks after we met, and then she went to Sanderford Park to get ready for the wedding. Once she left, I realized that we really didn’t know each other, and I felt as if I was marrying a stranger and got cold feet. I knew I couldn’t back out, so that’s why I was so nervous.”
“I can imagine that would be quite daunting. You appear to have a good relationship now though.”
“Definitely. It didn’t take me long to realize what a wise decision I made in marrying Helen. Once we arrived at my estate, we realized we had quite a bit in common, and I have grown to love her deeply. Now, tell me, how did you convince Kathryn to marry you?”
Jonathan explained about how he and Kathryn had met. Jonathan knew it would come out about them marrying in name only, so he decided to go ahead and tell Matthew. “She knew I needed help with the children, and as I said, we had become good friends. She agreed to a marriage in name only. I assured her that I understood she didn’t want to be intimate. That’s why she said she would marry me.”
Matthew looked shocked. “You mean no sex at all? I guess you plan to keep a mistress then. I wouldn’t let Sanderford know about this. He would be furious. I had a mistress when I first married Helen. When Sanderford found out about her, he was so enraged that he hit me, and I deserved it.”
Jonathan looked him in the eye. “I have no plans to take a mistress. I’ve fallen in love with Kathryn and have no desire to be with another woman. I’m hoping she’ll fall in love with me and change her mind, but even if she doesn’t, I’m ruined when it comes to any other woman. All I can think about is Kathryn, and I could never betray her that way.”
“I hope for both your sakes that she changes her mind. Has she told you what happened to her when she was sixteen? I’m sure that’s why she wants a marriage in name only.”
“She’s told me a little about it, and Henry told me more and who it was. It’s a good thing that bastard’s already dead, because I would kill him if he weren’t. Well, we had better get back to the others. I’m sure Kathryn is wondering where we went off to.” By the time they returned to the drawing room, everyone was leaving for their rooms.
Jonathan escorted Kathryn to her room, gave her a quick kiss, and then squeezed her hand gently. “I’ll see at dinner. I think I’ll go rest my knee for a while.”
By the time Jonathan got to his room, his knee was pulsing furiously with pain. He opened his valise and took out the laudanum that Hatton had packed for him. He found a pitcher of water on a table, poured a glass, and took it. As he gazed about the room, he noticed that someone had laid out his black superfine dress coat with the matching embroidered royal blue waistcoat. Since he had some time before he needed to dress, he sat down in the chair. As he rested his leg on the matching ottoman, he leaned his head back against the cushion and closed his eyes.
Jonathan was very encouraged with Kathryn’s response to affection. He was amazed she had kissed him and felt it was promising. If he took it very slowly, he felt that eventually she would trust him enough that she would want to be intimate. Each day he spent with her, he grew to love her more. He thought about his conversation with Matthew, and he knew that he meant every word he had said to Matthew. He would rather have Kathryn in his life than a million other woman, even if they never made love. As he lay there thinking about Kathryn, he fell asleep.
It was seven o’clock when he woke up from his nap, so he had to rush or he would be late for dinner. Someone must have come to his room while he slept because he found steaming hot water available. He quickly washed up, gave himself a hurried shave, and then headed downstairs.
When Jonathan entered the drawing room, his eyes immediately found Kathryn. She looked so beautiful in her blue silk evening gown that he felt his heart skip a beat. Her fiery red hair, pulled back from her beautiful face with curls cascading down her shoulders, showed off her lovely countenance. She looked up, noticed him, and smiled.
Jonathan approached her and took her hand in his. “Darling, you look beautiful tonight. Did you rest after tea? I fell asleep and barely had time to dress and get here in time for dinner. Did you by chance stop by and see the children? I feel badly that I overslept and didn’t get to see them. Where’s Elaine, do you know?”
“I went to the nursery right before I came down, and the children are fine. Elaine should be down any minute. She’s freshening up in my room, and my maid is arranging her hair for her. She wants to look more mature tonight since she’s getting to dine with the adults.” Looking toward the door, she saw Elaine enter the room. “Ah, here she comes now.”
Elaine hurried over to them and said, “I hope I’m not too late. Thank you for letting me use your room Kathryn. I love what Sarah did with my hair.”
Jonathan smiled. “Hello, Princess. Did you have an enjoyable afternoon? I feel as if I’ve neglected you, even though I certainly didn’t mean to.”
“That’s all right, Jonathan. I loved playing with all the children. Mary Elizabeth and Angela are very sweet, and they have taken Jane under their wing. She’s happier than I’ve seen her since Roderick and Allison died. I’m glad you were able to bring us. It’s been good for all of us to get away.”
“How’s Frankford?” Jonathan asked. “Has he made friends with any of the other children? I think one of Melody’s sons is close to his age.”
Kathryn spoke up. “Brandon’s the same age as Frankford. When I was there they were playing pirates, and he looked happier than I’ve seen him since his parents passed away. I agree with Elaine—I think it’s good that they were able to come.”
Abernathy came in and announced dinner, so Jonathan escorted Kathryn and Elaine to the dining room. Elaine sat next to Jonathan, and Matthew was on her left side. Matthew kept her amused by telling her stories about his sister Margaret. Jonathan found all of Kathryn’s family warm and welcoming, and since he no longer had Roderick to talk to, it was pleasant to have other males to speak with about his thoughts on Kathryn.
Roderick would have been so pleased that he was marrying her. Both Henry and Matthew obviously loved their wives, and Helen and Melody clearly loved their husbands. He hoped that having them to talk to would help Kathryn deal with her fears about intimacy. Jonathan realized he had an uphill battle, trying to help Kathryn overcome her anxiety in regards to intimacy between a husband and wife.
It was a convivial group at dinner that night, which made for a pleasant evening. Jonathan knew Kathryn told him that the duchess treated Melody poorly, but she seemed to be as pleasant toward her as she was with everyone else. Once dinner was over, the duchess led the ladies into the drawing room and left the men to enjoy their port and cigars.
Over their port, Henry asked, “Jonathan, how long were you in the army? I spent almost seven years on active duty and then three years inactive when I had amnesia. That’s why I don’t remember meeting you. I recovered most of my memory, except for the weeks leading up to the battle, and then the month right after.”
“My brother and I joined when Bonaparte escaped from Elba. My father was opposed to us going, but we threatened to enlist as foot soldiers, so he bought my brother and me our commissions. He thought we would be safer as officers. I had no idea how to lead men, but my colonel gave me good guidance.”
Henry took a sip of his port, and then he asked, “How did we meet?”
Jonathan took a sip of his port, resisting the temptation to gulp it down, then answered Henry, “We met at all the balls and parties that the ton held in Brussels. When Wellington received the dispatch from the Prince of Orange, he sent most of his officers to Quatre Bras to defend it against Marshall Ney. You and I were among the ones he sent. I lost track of you after that. I received my injury during the final battle. I don’t regret going, and if I had it to do over, even knowing that I would be injured, I still would have gone.”
With a look of frustration on his face, Henry said, “I wish I
could remember the battle, but that whole month is a blank for me. Did you know my friend Hayden as well?”
“Yes, but I didn’t know either of you well. I was so young, and I was a little intimidated by you and your fellow officers because you were seasoned, and I was so green.”
“I loved being a soldier, but when I married Melody, I knew I didn’t want her to have to follow the drum, so I was getting ready to sell my commission when we received the dispatch that Bonaparte had escaped.” Henry looked over at Matthew and said, “I’m sorry Collingswood, this is probably boring for you.”
“I actually find this all fascinating,” Matthew said. “I wanted to go badly, but my father refused to buy me a commission. I don’t have any cousins, and my younger brother was always getting into trouble even as a young boy, so I bowed to my father’s wishes. I had my daughters to think about as well.”
Jonathan asked, “You must have married very young. Aren’t you about the same age as I am? I’m thirty.”
“My first marriage was arranged when I was one and twenty. My father thought marriage would have a calming influence on me, but the reverse happened. I hated him for forcing me to marry so young and continued in my wild ways. I was a terrible husband to my first wife.” Matthew leaned back in his chair and inhaled his cigar. “I’m an excellent husband now, and I would never do anything to hurt my wife.”
“I know I certainly wasn’t ready for marriage at that age, so I can understand why you resented being forced to marry.” Jonathan inhaled deeply, letting the smoke fill his lungs as he relaxed in his chair. While he now had to watch what he drank, he could still enjoy a good cigar.
Henry stood up. “As interesting as this all is, we need to join the ladies. I’m sure they’re wondering what we could be doing for this long.”
They found the ladies in the drawing room having tea. Kathryn was talking to Mary, so Jonathan went over to join her. “Hello, ladies. We let the time get away from us while we were enjoying our port. Henry and I were talking about the army and Waterloo.”
“That’s all right,” Kathryn said. “I’m pleased that you had so much to talk about. Mary and I have been talking about the orphanage that we both volunteer at in London. She’s a member of the board of trustees now. She’s one of only two women on the board.”
Jonathan smile over at Mary. “I’m sure you’re an asset to that board. It’s very generous of you to devote your time to the orphanage. Kathryn told me that you’re very involved and have been for quite some time. I admire you for it.”
“Thank you, Jonathan,” Mary replied. “When I lost my husband, I lost all interest in life and was very melancholy. Melody helped me deal with my grief, and working with the children helped me move past it. I’ll never forget my husband, but I know he would want me to be happy. I have been blessed with two wonderful children, and Melody, Helen, and Kathryn are as dear to me as any blood sisters could be.”
“I’m glad that they helped you overcome your grief. I’m dealing with that myself since I lost my brother.” Glancing over at Kathryn, Jonathan said, “I would be lost without Kathryn. I’m a fortunate man to have her in my life. The grief can be crippling some days, and she helps to ease it for me.”
Mary rose. “Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going up to check on my children. I just want to say that I’m thrilled for both of you, and I hope you’ll be as happy in your marriage as I was in mine.” She turned to Kathryn and added, “Kathryn, I’ll see you in the morning. Have a pleasant evening.”
Jonathan turned to Kathryn and asked, “Where’s Elaine? Has she gone upstairs? I need to get her and the children. We need to go ahead and leave since we have an hour’s drive ahead of us.”
“No, she had to step out of the room for a moment. I’m sure she will be back soon. Why don’t we go upstairs and get Frankford and Jane? She’ll be back here by the time we bring the children down.”
“All right.” The children had fallen asleep, so Jonathan and Kathryn carried them down to the carriage. Elaine met them on their way down. Once they had the children in the carriage, Jonathan turned to Kathryn, pulled her close, and gave her a gentle kiss on her forehead. “Good night, my dear. I’ll see you at the church on Saturday. I’m so grateful you’re going to be my wife. Tell your family good night for me.” Then he entered the carriage and signaled to the driver.
Chapter 14
Twenty-four Hours Before the Wedding
When Kathryn went back into the house, she returned to the drawing room, told everyone that she was retiring and that she would see them in the morning. As Sarah helped her get ready for bed, she thought about Jonathan. He treated her as if she was a fragile piece of glass, and it made her feel very special. He was such a gentle and kind man, she was so grateful she had agreed to marry him. She realized she wanted to be his wife. It was comforting to imagine growing old with him.
Kathryn imagined he would be a sensitive lover, but then she remembered all the pain and humiliation that she went through with her uncle. Kathryn hated her uncle even more than she had before, knowing he’d ruined any chance she had to have a complete loving marriage. If it weren’t for him, she realized she would gladly give herself to Jonathan. The tears started rolling down her cheeks at all she had lost because of that depraved man.
Someone knocked on her door, and she asked, “Who is it?”
The voice at the door replied, “Kathryn, it’s me, Helen.”
“Oh, come in.”
When Helen saw her crying, she ran over to her and asked, “Kathryn, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Did Jonathan do anything to hurt you? If he has hurt you, I’ll go get Henry, and he’ll take care of him for you.”
Kathryn shook her head. “No…No…Jonathan is wonderful. That’s the problem. He deserves to have a wife that will be his in all ways. Not someone who can never be a true wife to him.”
“What do mean a true wife? What haven’t you told me? Why can’t you be the wife he needs?”
In a halting voice, Kathryn replied, “It’s because of our uncle that I can’t be his wife in truth. Every time I think about being with a man, I remember what he did to me, and then the thought of being intimate repulses me.”
“Oh Kathryn, don’t let him ruin this chance at love. I was so pleased when you wrote me and told me about your engagement. I can tell that you both care about each other tremendously.”
“Jonathan is the most gentle and kindest man I’ve ever known. It’s not fair to him that I promised to marry him. I can’t expect him to live his life without intimacy. I think I need to call off the wedding, but I don’t want to. He needs me…to help him with the children, and he says that if I don’t marry him, he won’t marry anyone else, and then the children won’t…have…a mother. Oh Helen, what am I going to do?” By this time she was sobbing, she was so upset.
Helen put her arms around Kathryn. “Honey, does Jonathan know how you feel about…intimacy?”
“Yes…he knows. We’re to be married in name only. That’s the only way that I would agree to marry him. Oh, it’s so unfair to him!”
“It’s his decision to make, and if he’s willing to marry you in name only, then I think you should let him. I watched him with you today, and it’s obvious that he cares deeply for you. You never know, after you’re married and you see how kind and gentle he continues to be, you may change your mind. Kathryn, I need to ask you something,” Helen hesitated, and then asked, “I know that Melody and Henry stopped Uncle Theodore from raping you, but had he done something to you before that incident?”
It all came spilling out as Kathryn sobbed, “I…I…Yes…he had! He raped me when I…I was twelve years old!”
“Oh my Lord! Does Henry know?”
“No…No…you can’t tell him! I’ve never told anyone, ever. Please promise me you won’t tell Henry. I couldn’t stand for him to know.”
“Shush…it’s all right. I won’t tell him, I promise. Oh honey, I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. If
that old rogue wasn’t already dead, I would go kill him myself for hurting you like that! Did you ever try to tell Mother or Father?”
“You know Mother would never have believed me. She has never acknowledged what he tried to do when Henry and Melody stopped him that time.” Kathryn continued to weep as she hung her head in despair.
Biting her lip nervously, Helen said, “Kathryn, you need to tell Jonathan. He needs to know how strongly you feel about intimacy. It’s the only fair thing to do. Matthew and I will take you out to his house tomorrow morning.” As Kathryn started to interrupt, she said, “No, I won’t tell him why you need to go see him. We’ll just say you need to ask him something about the wedding.”
“I know you’re right, but what if he wants to call off the wedding?” she said, as she covered her face with her hands. “Mother will be livid. I really do want to marry him. He’s the best friend I’ve ever had!”
“He’s agreed to a marriage in name only so he may still be willing to marry you, but he needs to know everything Kathryn.” Helen helped Kathryn get into bed, kissed her on the cheek, and said, “I have a good feeling about Jonathan. I think that he’ll still want to marry you, but in case he’s thinking you’re going to change your mind about intimacy, he needs to know that if you ever do decide to be intimate, it’s not going to be any time soon. Has he ever kissed you?”
“Yes, and he was so tender. It was quite pleasant. I told him I wanted his affection…just not the other part.” Kathryn leaned back against her pillows and sighed deeply.
Helen smiled reassuringly. “Well, you need to get some sleep. I’m sure everything will work out in the morning. Matthew and I will take you out there early before Mother even knows you’re gone. We’ll say that Jonathan asked Matthew and I out to go riding, and that won’t even be a lie, because he did ask. He just didn’t say when. I’ll come and wake you at seven o’clock. We’ll be at his house by nine o’clock, and then you can tell him everything.”