by Vikki Vaught
“Thank you, Helen. I feel so much better now that I’ve finally told someone what Uncle Theodore really did.” She yawned and added, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Helen patted her on the hand, kissed her cheek, and left.
As Helen made her way to her room, she thought about what Kathryn told her, and she felt rage in a way she’d never felt before. To think about what that licentious, old rogue did to an innocent child sent shivers down her spine.
How could someone be that depraved?
If Uncle Theodore wasn’t already dead, she would shoot him herself!
As she entered the room, Matthew looked at her and asked, “What’s upset you so much? I can see by your expression, you’re furious. Was Kathryn all right? Tell me what’s wrong?” Pulling her into his arms, Matthew said, “Whatever it is, we’ll deal with it together.”
“Oh Matthew, it’s Kathryn. You have to promise me you’ll never let her know I told you. I promised I wouldn’t tell Henry, but she didn’t make me promise not to tell you. Promise me.” Helen looked up at him with tears in her eyes.
Matthew pulled her into his arms. “Darling, of course I promise. Now what in the world is wrong? What did Kathryn tell you?”
“Remember when I told you that Uncle Theodore almost raped her, but that Henry and Melody stopped him before he could finish? Well, it turns out he’d already raped her numerous times before that night.” Helen buried her head into his chest as she sobbed. “She…She was only…twelve, the first time he raped her. Oh Matthew, how could he have done something like that to an innocent child?”
“Darling, I can’t answer that for you. There are quite a few sick, lecherous, old rakes in this world, and it’s sickening to think that one of them did this to Kathryn. Now I understand why she wants a marriage in name only.”
“How do you know about that? I just found out myself tonight. How did you find out?”
Matthew hugged her close. “Jonathan told me this afternoon when we were talking. He says that he’s accepted it, and that he loves her anyway. He told me he knows that her uncle hurt her, but I don’t think he knows to what extent. I believe he thinks that if Kathryn falls in love with him, she’ll change her mind.”
“I don’t know that she can change her mind. She says that every time she thinks about being intimate with a man she remembers what Uncle Theodore did to her, and then she feels repulsed. Oh, this is so terrible. She doesn’t know it yet, but I think she’s already in love with him. I told her she should tell him everything that happened to her. He needs to know the full extent of her feelings about intimacy and why she feels that way. Do you think I did the right thing in telling her that?”
“I agree that Jonathan needs to know, but I think he’ll still want to marry her. He told me he would rather have Kathryn as his wife than not, even if they never become intimate, because she’s ruined him for any other woman. I asked him if he would be taking a mistress, and he told me that he would never betray her like that, even if they never truly become husband and wife. I think he’s deeply in love with her.”
Helen snuggled against Matthew. “That makes me feel better. I told her we would take her out to see him first thing in the morning. Now, you can’t let her know you know why we’re going out there. She’d be mortified if she knew I’d told you about any of this.”
“What excuse are we going to use? Everyone is bound to ask questions. I’m sure there must be millions of things that she’s supposed to be doing tomorrow morning to get ready for the wedding on Saturday.”
“We’re going to leave at eight o’clock in the morning, before Mother gets up. She never gets up until at least ten in the morning. We could even be back by eleven, and then Mother wouldn’t even miss her,” Helen said, laying her head on Mathew’s broad shoulder. “Just in case she does, I’m going to leave her a note saying that Jonathan asked us to come out and go riding with him, and that Kathryn wanted to come too.”
“All right. That just gives your mother something else to be angry at us for. She’s actually been decent since we arrived. Do you think she’s mellowing in her old age?”
“Don’t let her hear you refer to her as old, or she won’t like you anymore. Since we need to be up early in the morning, we need to go to sleep.” Helen yawned and closed her eyes.
“You mean I can’t interest you in a little love play before we go to sleep? Just think how much better you’ll sleep if you’re all relaxed and satisfied. Come here and let me kiss you, wife!” Matthew gave her a bruising kiss as he hastily unbuttoned her gown. Before Helen could catch her breath, she was naked and writhing as Matthew kissed her hot, deep, and long, setting off an explosion as ecstasy took her away on a hot wave of delight.
After Helen left her room, Kathryn cried herself to sleep. Once she was asleep, her dreams had her tossing and turning as the nightmare started. She dreamed of all the vile things her uncle used to do to her. She woke up gasping for breath from her vivid nightmare. Her body was dripping with sweat, and she was shivering all over. Tears were pouring down her face. At least she had woken up in her own bed and not wandering the halls as she did as a child.
Kathryn glanced over at the ormolu clock on the mantle, and it was only three o’clock in the morning. The dream was so realistic, that for the first time in years, she craved the oblivion laudanum would give. This frightened her because she never wanted to be addicted to laudanum again. Thank goodness, there wasn’t any available. There was a pitcher of water on the dresser, so she got out of bed, went over to it, and poured herself a glass. As she poured the water into the glass, she noticed her hands were trembling.
As she slowly sipped her water, Kathryn’s heartbeat slowed down, and she climbed back into bed. She was fearful of falling back to sleep and having another nightmare, so she lay there fighting sleep, but eventually she drifted off. She started dreaming again, but this time she dreamed of Jonathan kissing her with incredible tenderness. In her dream, she told him she wasn’t a virgin, that her uncle had raped her when she was twelve years old. He told her he could never marry someone who wasn’t a virgin, and she again woke up crying.
Soon she heard the clock striking five, so she got up and got another drink, but this time she didn’t get back in bed. She sat in a straight-back chair to keep from falling back to sleep. At seven o’clock, Sarah came in with steaming hot water, so she washed and let Sarah fix her hair, and then got dressed. Sarah brought her breakfast, but she didn’t eat anything. She was too nervous about telling Jonathan of her rape. As she waited for Helen, she stared out the window at the dreary day. The day fit her mood perfectly.
When Helen entered her room, she said, “Oh dear, you didn’t sleep well, did you? Are you ready to go to Jonathan’s? Matthew’s already outside waiting beside the carriage. If you’ve changed your mind, I will understand why.”
“Helen, I have to go see him. It’s the only right thing to do. I dreamed I told him about what happened, and that I wasn’t a virgin…he said…he could never marry a woman who wasn’t a virgin. I’m going to be devastated if he decides he can’t marry me. Mother will be furious with me if he calls off the wedding.”
Helen hugged her. “Honey, I’m sure that’s not going to happen. He’s going to understand that it wasn’t your fault that Uncle Theodore raped you. If it has you this upset, maybe I was wrong, and you don’t need to tell him.”
“No, you were right, Jonathan has to be told, and if he can’t marry me, then it may be for the best. He deserves to marry someone who can be a true wife to him, not someone like me who has so many problems, and wants a marriage in name only. Let’s go get this over with.” They went downstairs and joined Matthew in the carriage.
Matthew and Helen kept the conversation lively, but the closer they got to his house the more frightened Kathryn became. Before she was ready, they were pulling up onto the drive that led to the house. As the house came into view, Kathryn felt a crushing weight on her chest, knowing what she had to tell Jona
than.
Goodman came out to greet her. “Good morning, Lady Kathryn. Lord Sutherland is in his study with his steward. Please, let me show you to the drawing room, and I’ll let him know that you are here.”
Kathryn was too nervous to sit, so she went and stood by the window, looking out at the light drizzle as she waited for Jonathan.
Why was she so upset at the thought of not marrying Jonathan?
He’d had to do some serious convincing to get her to even agree.
She knew she would miss him horribly if he wasn’t in her life anymore.
As Jonathan came into the room, he said, “Darling, it’s wonderful to see you. What a pleasant surprise.” He looked over at Helen and Matthew. “Welcome to my home.”
Kathryn turned around with soul-wrenching sadness in her eyes. “Jonathan, I need to talk to you about something very important. Is there somewhere we can go so we can speak privately?”
“Of course, my dear. We’ll go to the library.” He turned to Goodman and said, “Please bring some refreshments for Lord and Lady Collingswood.” Jonathan smiled at Helen and Matthew. “Kathryn and I will join you shortly. Please make yourselves at home.”
Jonathan placed Kathryn’s hand in the crook of his arm, patted her hand, and led her out of the room. When they entered the library he said, “My dear, you look so distraught. What’s wrong? I can tell you have something serious you want to discuss. What is it, sweetheart?”
“Oh, this is so difficult. I…need to tell you about something that happened to me. I…I…don’t know where to start!” Kathryn began to cry softly.
“Dearest, please don’t cry. Let’s sit here on the sofa, and you can tell me all about it.” Once they sat down, he put his arm around her, pulled her close, and wiped a tear off her cheek.
Kathryn buried her head into his shoulder and sobbed, “I’m…not a…virgin.”
“Shush, sweetheart. It’s all right…neither am I. Now, just tell me what’s troubling you.” Smoothing her hair, he kissed her head and rubbed her shoulder.
“When I was a very young child my uncle…he started touching me…I tried to hide from him, but he always managed to find me, and when I was twelve…he…he…raped me!”
“Oh, my poor darling, you were a defenseless child! If you hadn’t already told me he was dead, I would be hunting him down and killing him for doing this to you. I already suspected that something like this had happened to you. That’s why you’re so afraid of intimacy, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I know I can’t ever be a true wife to you because the very thought of intimacy repulses me. You deserve a woman who can truly be a wife to you. I’ll understand if you don’t want to marry me.” She raised her head and looked at Jonathan. “In fact, I’m releasing you from your obligation to marry me. I’m sure you can find someone else that will help you raise the children. If we marry, then someday you may resent me, and I couldn’t bare it if you grew to hate me.”
Pulling Kathryn onto his lap, Jonathan said, “Sweetheart, I would never resent you or hate you. I don’t want to be released. You’re not to blame for what happened to you. Even if you never move beyond your fear of intimacy, I still want to marry you. I told you I never planned to marry. We’re doing this for the children, and you’ll be a wonderful mother to them. We already agreed we would have a marriage in name only. What happened to you doesn’t change the reason we decided to marry.”
“It’s so unfair to you. You’re the kindest man I’ve ever known. I just want to do what’s right for you.” Kathryn looked at him through tear-drenched lashes.
He pulled her against him. “I want you to stop worrying about me. I’ll be fine. We’ll have our friendship, and that means the world to me.”
Kathryn interrupted. “But Jonathan, I know that men have certain urges, and I can never fulfill those for you. If you still want to marry me, then I’ll marry you, but please feel free to keep a mistress. I know it’s the way of the ton. Many husbands keep mistresses, and I promise I’ll understand if you need one.”
“Darling, I have no need to have a mistress. I would rather spend the rest of my life chaste than not have you in my life. I promise I’ll be fine with just your affection. You’ve been sitting here on my lap for quite some time, and I don’t think you found it repulsive.” Jonathan gently stroked her shoulders, and Kathryn was shocked to realize she had never felt so safe in her life. “Now, I want you to stop worrying. Go home and get ready for our wedding. You’re going to be a beautiful bride—the only bride that I want. Will you do that for me?”
“Oh Jonathan, you’re such a wonderful man. I promise I’ll be a good wife and a good mother to your niece and nephew. I already love Frankford and Jane very much. Just remember, if you ever do decide you want a mistress, I’ll understand.” She smiled up at him and snuggled close.
“All right. If I ever do feel that I need one, I’ll take care of it, but that isn’t going to happen. I’m an adult and have complete control of my urges, so I know I won’t need a mistress. Now, let’s go join Matthew and Helen.” He pulled her close, kissed her tenderly on the cheek, and helped her up.
When they returned to the drawing room, they sat and talked with Matthew and Helen. Shortly after, the three of them left.
On the drive back, Kathryn thought about what Jonathan had said and knew he was going to be a wonderful husband. She still thought it was unfair to him, but at least he knew that if he ever did take a mistress, she would understand why.
Friday afternoon, Stebbins arrived with the unfinished portrait of Roderick and his family. Jonathan had the portrait carried up to the studio he had prepared for Kathryn. Once the footman placed it on the easel, he dismissed him. Jonathan gazed at the portrait and found it hard to swallow. Tears filled his eyes, and he fought to keep them from falling.
Oh God, why did life have to be so unfair?
Roderick and Allison had been so vibrant and in love with each other. Kathryn already had Roderick’s face painted, and she had captured his zest for life in his brilliant blue eyes that were so like his own. Jonathan prayed he would be able to raise Frankford and Jane to be the kind of adults that Roderick and Allison would have wanted them to be. He felt that he could, with Kathryn’s love and support.
He thought back over the conversation with Kathryn that morning.
Thank God, he’d been able to convince her to go ahead with the wedding.
His heart had stopped for a moment when she told him she released him from what she saw as his obligation to marry her. Her beautiful face had been so expressive, and the sadness in her eyes had torn at his soul.
How could anyone be so licentious with an innocent child?
No wonder Kathryn was repulsed by the thought of making love. The bastard had robbed her of something that should have been her gift to give. Obviously, Kathryn had not told Henry about the rape and abuse, or he would have been dead four years ago.
Jonathan realized he would have the battle of his life trying to help her overcome her fear of intimacy. His desire for Kathryn was intense, but he would have to step very carefully so that he didn’t scare her. He had to cling to the hope that as she grew closer to him she would be able to let go of her fear. Whether she did or not, he knew he would love her forever. As he turned away from the portrait, he noticed the time. Jenkins should be arriving shortly, so he left the studio and returned to his study.
No sooner had Jonathan sat down in his chair, than Goodman knocked and told him that Jenkins had arrived. “Good. Please show him in, Goodman.”
When Jenkins entered the study, Jonathan said, “Sorry, old friend, my knee is bothering me today or I would get up. I’m pleased you’re able to attend my wedding. How was the trip over?”
“The trip wasn’t bad for this time of year. When I received your letter about your marriage, I was astonished. The last time we talked, you swore you would never marry. What changed your mind?”
After taking a sip of water, Jonathan told him how he and Kathryn
had met. “While Kathryn was painting my portrait, we became very good friends. She’s very easy to talk to, and we have quite a bit in common. After she finished my portrait, we traveled to Westland Acres so she could do Roderick’s family portrait. She was with me when Roderick and Allison drowned, and she was invaluable when it came to the children. I don’t know how I would have made it through, if she hadn’t been there. Since I knew I couldn’t raise the children on my own, I asked her, and she said yes.”
Jenkins raised his eyebrow. “Jonathan, I’m so sorry about Roderick and Allison. I know how close you were to him, and of course I’ll miss him myself. We had some good times together, didn’t we? It’s so hard to imagine they’re gone. Sutherland, Lady Kathryn is a confirmed spinster. It’s a well-known fact that she never wanted to marry. She’s turned down numerous proposals over the last few years. She’s extraordinarily beautiful and well liked by everyone, so how did you get her to change her mind about marriage?”
Jonathan grimaced as a pain shot through his knee. He tried to get in a more comfortable position and answered, “She’s doing it for the children. She grew quite fond of them while she was at Westland Acres, and she knew they needed a mother. I offered friendship with no strings attached, and I convinced her I wouldn’t interfere with her art. That had been her main objection to marriage.”
“What do you mean ‘no strings attached’?”
Jonathan hesitated, but then he answered, “We’ve been friends for a long time, so what I’m about to tell you must be kept in strictest confidence. We’re going to have a marriage in name only.”
“Why in God’s name would you agree to that? Well, I guess you’ll have to find a new mistress when you get back to town. Maybe this isn’t a bad arrangement after all. You get a mother for the children, and you get to continue your life as if you were still single.”
Jonathan looked him directly in the eye. “I shan’t be taking any more mistresses, nor will I continue to live my life as if I wasn’t married. I could never betray Kathryn that way. Jenkins, I’ve fallen in love with her, and I would rather have her in my life without sex than not at all.”