Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

  “Sounds good. Meet you up front,” he said, backing away and heading for the locker room.

  Penny was long gone, so I sat up front alone waiting for him. When Tyler came out, he was dressed in loose jeans, flip flops and a V-necked white T-shirt. His long blond curls were wet and wrestled in varied directions on his head. He looked like a model, but he still wasn’t for me. I was crazy, and I knew it.

  We drove separately to the sub shop just down the road. I ordered a ham and cheese and Tyler paid for everything before I could stop him. We talked about normal things over dinner. His brother was a senior at ASU, majoring in engineering. Tyler was hoping to get a scholarship for diving somewhere in California. His parents were both lawyers. He asked about my family, and I talked about my dad’s long days driving deliveries. I mentioned how Mike was a coach at Eastern and how I grew up knowing football because of him. Well, that and everyone in Coolidge was taught football from a young age.

  For a moment, I was having fun.

  We refilled our drinks and left the restaurant to head to the parking lot. The heat from the nearing sunset was burning my shoulders some. It was amazing how evening held so much heat in Arizona. As promised, Tyler kept our dinner very platonic. He clicked his car button to unlock and held his drink in his other hand and nodded goodbye to me. “See you tomorrow?”

  “Yep, see ya then,” I said, opening my door. I stopped and yelled over my roof at him. ”Thanks for today.”

  “You got it, Nolan. Anytime,” he smiled, got in and drove away.

  The rest of my shifts were mornings, and I was able to avoid Reed all week. I managed to work a break for the end of every shift so I was in the locker room whenever Reed arrived. I suspected Tyler had a hand in that since I knew he checked the schedule every morning.

  I was able to make a few open practices at the school gym, too. I was working out hard, and I was hitting the ball harder than I ever had before. The coaches were impressed and told me to keep doing whatever I was doing. Ha, just get called a slut by your first love everyday, Nolan, I mused to myself.

  Days had passed since I had seen my friends. I think they were giving me space, but I was starting to feel a little lonely. I was surprised, then, when Sean was sitting on the bleachers during my open gym session on Friday. I waved a few times and he motioned for me to come by to chat when I could. Between games I grabbed a drink and stopped by to talk.

  “What’s up? What are you doing here?” I said, breathing a little hard from my last match.

  “Just getting in some weights. We have workouts tonight, nothing formal. Not allowed,” he smiled.

  “Ah, that’s right,” I looked down knowing that meant everyone else would be here soon, too.

  “So, Buck’s having a BBQ for July 4th,” he looked at me, almost expecting me to say I’d see him there. I just nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I know you won’t be there. I just know he thinks highly about you. He’ll miss you.”

  “I like him, too. And if you could promise that his son wouldn’t be there, then I’d show up. But we both know how stupid that is,” I said with a small laugh.

  “I know,” he stopped, pausing for a long while. I could tell he had more to say. I kicked at his shoe a little getting him to look up.

  “Spill it, cowboy,” I tried to make light of it.

  “Noles, Tatum’s making this whole thing up,” he just stared at me, waiting for me to react. All I could do was laugh.

  “Sean, you’re reaching for anything,” I said.

  “No, I know it, Nolan. I know it,” he had the straightest face. “Look, Devin and Cole saw her out drinking at a club in Tempe the night of the desert party. She was with some of her girlfriends. She’s registered for ASU and is going there this fall. All of her plans are still the same. Now don’t you think if she was having a baby she’d be making a few changes? And drinking on a fake ID would probably be off the table, right?”

  I sat down now, deciding to skip out on the next round of games. I just waved a few of the girls off so they could start without me.

  “What are you going to do?” I asked, my heart speeding up a little with my anger for Tatum and what she could do.

  “I have to tell him. We’re hanging out tonight, I’m staying over to help him set up at his dad’s for the BBQ this weekend,” he said. “Nolan, he’s in a bad place. His drinking is out of control, and he’s missing practices. I don’t want to see him fuck things up. I love that guy like a brother, you know?”

  I grabbed his hand and smiled at him, nudging his shoulder with mine. “I know. You’re a good guy, Sean.”

  He stood up and slung his bag over his shoulder. I followed him out the door to the hallway to the locker room entrances. My mind was tumbling between this new information and the anger that still brewed in me over Reed’s words and behavior. No matter what my tangled heart was feeling, I still didn’t want to see Reed throw his future away. He was so gifted. And I didn’t want to see him disappoint Buck.

  “Hey, Sean?” I stopped him before he got inside the door. “Would you let me know how it goes? I just…need to know he’s ok. Just let me know?”

  He smiled tight-lipped and nodded once, heading inside.

  I finished another game, packed my stuff and escaped before the rest of the team showed up, avoiding Reed like I had done all week. My phone was buzzing as I got out of my shower and noticed I had a text from Tyler.

  What are your plans for 4th?

  I sent back:

  I got nothing

  I wasn’t sure where this was going, and I wasn’t sure where I wanted it to go.

  Wanna see a baseball game? Todd has suite tickets. We’re playing the Dodgers.

  How could I resist that.

  I’m in.

  I loved baseball, and there would be a group of us again. It felt safe.

  OK, I’ll pick you up around 4. We want to get there early enough for the free T-shirts J

  I wrote back:

  I love free T-shirts!

  And it was refreshing to see the embarrassingly awkward Nolan make an appearance again. I tossed my phone on my bed and went into the living room to join my dad for a little dinner in front of the TV. My mom was working late, so dad made chili. I loved these nights, even though I looked forward to my mom coming home. There was something special about watching reruns of old sitcoms with my dad over his greasy chili.

  Mom came home around 10, and I gave her a big kiss and decided to call it a night. I was exhausted from my hours of play at the gym and getting up early was making me go to bed earlier and earlier. I checked my phone one more time before plugging it in to charge and noticed another text alert. It was Sean.

  I told him. It did not go well. He made me drive him to her house. He confronted her, called her some shit, threw a few things, broke a few things, and then we came back to Buck’s. He’s drinking again. A lot. Buck’s in Tucson. I’m worried.

  I sat there and read his note a few times, wondering what to do. I pushed the phone aside and turned my light off, lying down on my bed. There was nothing I could do, but I couldn’t get Sean’s worry out of my own mind. I looked at my phone again and noted the time stamp. It said 8:30. Two hours ago.

  A few more minutes passed before I decided I needed to know how the night ended.

  Sorry, just got this. Was with my dad. Everything ok?

  I waited, and waited. Almost 30 minutes passed before I heard from Sean again.

  Yes. He passed out a little bit ago. I got him upstairs. I’m in the spare room. He’s wrecked. Buck comes home in the morning. I just hope he can hold it together for the party.

  I took a deep breath and shut my eyes tightly. I hated the spiral Reed was on. And I just couldn’t seem to make sense out of the version of him I was so intimate with just a few weeks ago. This new him was so destructive and hateful.

  Let me know if I can do anything. Thank you, Sean.

  I put my phone on my desk and decided I had to stop.

  I don’t
remember what I dreamt, but I know I woke up every few hours feeling like I needed to cry but nothing would come out. I tried waiting in the bathroom to be sick, but nothing happened there either. I wandered my tiny house in the dark a few times before making my way back to my bedroom and forcing myself asleep again and again. I woke up for the final time at 6, exhausted.

  On autopilot, I put on a pair of running shorts and slid my feet into my tennies. I was never much of a long-distance runner, but something in me felt like my body needed it this morning. I drank a giant glass of water in the kitchen and left my parents a note on the counter. They always slept in late on Saturdays; it was their one day.

  I laced my shoes tightly on the porch and jumped down to the gravel. I started a slow pace down my small road and ran along the desert trail along the side of the main road all the way into town. I would guess I made it about four miles by the time I got to the school. I was breathing hard and needed water badly. I snuck through a small space in the fence and made my way to the drinking fountain by the baseball field, taking a good drink.

  I crawled back out and walked a few blocks through town getting my breath back. I don’t know how I ended up at Tatum’s house, but there it was. I saw her car in the driveway and noted that all the lights were off. Before I knew it I was lightly knocking on the front door. When the gravity of what I was doing hit me, it was too late and her face was staring right back at me.

  She looked fine. Like nothing had ever happened. There was no evidence of spending all night crying (I was well acquainted with what that looked like). She just sighed and put her hand on her hip, looking at me.

  “What?” she seemed annoyed.

  “How could you,” I shook my head. Looking down, I noted the new pedicure on her toes. She was wearing tiny shorts and a tight shirt. Her hair was perfect as always. It was like nothing had ever happened. She was just moving on to her next day, her next victim. She was truly crazy and thought nothing of the lie she spun.

  “Whatever,” she said, closing the door in my face.

  I stood there for a few minutes, stunned. When I realized she didn’t matter and there was nothing I could say that would make her feel, I turned to leave. I walked back home and my parents were making bacon and eggs when I came in.

  “Breakfast, honey?” my mom offered. It smelled delicious, and I had worked up an amazing appetite. For once, in weeks, I was hungry. Honestly hungry. I just nodded and smiled, stealing a piece of bacon on my way to the bathroom. “Let me take a quick shower. Keep it hot?” I asked.

  “Will do,” my dad said.

  I let the water pour over my face. Every so often I would shudder, trying to force myself to cry, but nothing happened. I wasn’t sad anymore. I was tired. I felt grief, in a way, but I wasn’t sad. I just didn’t have it in me.

  Piling my hair in a towel on my head, I threw on a clean shirt and shorts and joined my parents for the most delicious breakfast I had enjoyed in years.

  Tyler picked me up promptly at 4. I let him come to the door to meet my parents. I could tell my dad had questions since he had never heard of a Tyler before. My mom nudged me a little because he was cute, and I smiled at her with my cheeks flushed. My dad shook his hand and asked him a few questions about his car, like he always did. Tyler seemed to pass their test as they let me get in the car with him.

  It took almost two hours to get into the city and park for the game. We rushed from a parking lot a few blocks away and managed to get into the ballpark before the free shirts were gone. We both were giddy about it and put them on over what we were wearing right away. They said “Diamondback Red, White and Blue” and were hideous, but they were free. I liked that Tyler had the same silly respect for freebies as I did.

  The game was awesome. I had never sat in a suite before, and it came stocked with free food and a private restroom. I licked wing sauce from my fingertips and gulped Diet Cokes the entire time. The game was a close one, but the Diamondbacks pulled out a win in the bottom of the 9th. This sent the crowd into overdrive and everyone stayed for the fireworks display after the game.

  I jerked a little from surprise when the stadium lights went out. I realized they needed to make it dark for the show, but I wasn’t expecting it to be so sudden. Tyler put his arm around me to let me know he was close. I let him leave it there through the entire display.

  As we walked out through the crowds, he grabbed my hand. I let him lead me because I hadn’t been to a game in years and he seemed well versed in how to best get to our parking lot. I expected him to let go when we made it through the gates onto the streets, but he held on instead. It felt strange. Part of me liked it, but another part knew I just liked not feeling alone.

  We got to his car and he opened the door for me and closed it. He got in and then we spent the next 20 minutes trying to dodge the crowds of people leaving the game and the festivities. He managed to find the highway quickly and we were well into our trip back home.

  The ride back through the desert was uncomfortably quiet. I was thinking about calling Sean, wondering if Reed made it through the party for his dad. But I also knew Tyler was thinking about kissing me goodnight. And I didn’t know how to make the two connect.

  I slipped my phone onto my lap and sent Sean a quick text. I lied to Tyler and told him I was letting Sarah know something for the morning. He just smiled, buying it hook, line and sinker.

  We pulled into my driveway a little before midnight. I felt bad that Tyler had to drive so much out of his way, but I wasn’t very comfortable driving alone at night yet, especially so far.

  “Thanks for tonight, I had a really nice time,” I said, pulling my buckle off and closing up my purse.

  “I’m glad you came,” he said, stopping and just looking into my eyes. He was considering his next move, and I was cowardly waiting, unsure how I would react. When he slowly started to lean forward, I heard my phone buzz and I startled. Blinking and shaking my head a little I told him I should get inside.

  He got out of the car and came to open my side. A little overly gentlemanly for my taste, but I appreciated the gesture. He placed his hand on my back as he walked me to the door. Before I reached the step, I turned to look at him and just gave him a sideways smile.

  “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to do this yet,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t be offended. He just smiled back.

  “It’s OK, I can wait,” he said, then he leaned in to kiss my cheek. I watched him walk away and when he got to his car he loudly whispered, “call you tomorrow.”

  I waved and then quietly went inside. I carefully shut the door to my room and then slid my shoes off and my double set of shirts, putting on the soft worn T-shirt I preferred for sleep. Comfortable, I pulled my phone from my purse and readied myself for the worst.

  Thanks for checking, Nolan. Party went OK. Reed was a bit hungover, so he didn’t drink. He didn’t really talk much, though. Sarah and Sienna came by, said they’d see you tomorrow.

  I wrote back, hoping I caught him before he went to bed.

  Thanks. I miss you guys. Maybe we can all go to MicNic’s tomorrow?

  He was up.

  Mmmmm, burgers. Let’s do it.

  Sean was so easy. Why couldn’t I have fallen for him? Another text buzzed me right away.

  I think I might love Becky.

  I smiled at this. It made me happy to see him so happy with someone who cared equally for him. I wrote back right away.

  Good. Now tell her!

  He just sent back a smile. I went to bed, glad to know Reed was safe and not hurting himself. But I couldn’t shake the worried feeling I had. And I was so conflicted over Tyler. He said he’d wait, but what if I made him wait forever? I guess I owed myself time, too. I pulled my head under my covers and fell asleep instantly, my tossing and turning from the night before nowhere to be found.

  17. Up and Down

  The next few weeks were fairly tolerable. I caught glances of Reed here and there, and the flirtation from Tyler continu
ed, but on an extremely safe level. The attention was a nice distraction, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to make a decision just yet. It was like I was sort of stuck, somewhere between the version of me that was ready to grow up a little more and move on and the part of me that was still that silly girl that obsessed over a high school quarterback, drawing my name with his on corners of my homework.

  I started to volunteer for a few early morning shifts working with kids with disabilities. It was a form of water therapy that we did in partnership with the Boys and Girls Club, and it was honestly the most amazing thing I had ever done. I had a little girl, Nancy, who would work only with me. She was maybe 7 or 8. The first day I volunteered was her first day in the pool, and she refused to go in with anyone but me. She said I made her feel safe. Nancy had Downs Syndrome and extreme anxiety. But when she floated on her back through the water, staring at the sky, her face would transform into this serene expression. I called her my mermaid princess, because her hair would float around the water in all different directions, just like the Disney movie.

  We had to move the last week of sessions to the evening because several of the area swim teams were competing for regional meets and had booked the lap pools for the morning hours. As much as I wanted to avoid my problems by never having to come face to face with them, I also knew that I couldn’t run forever. I was bound to have to sort out how to be in the same place as Reed when school began in the fall, and it didn’t seem fair to give up something that was bringing me such joy just to put that confrontation off just a little bit longer.