Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

  Becky and Sean left, and Sienna and Sarah weren’t too far behind them. Sienna was leaving for a weekend music camp in the morning, so I knew she wouldn’t be at the party. And Sarah didn’t like to go alone, so I was pretty sure she wouldn’t be there either. I would have preferred for someone to have been watching over Reed, but he was also a big boy. And he was distancing himself from me, on purpose. I needed to let that happen.

  Tyler and I went through the drive-thru at MicNic’s for some frosty shakes to take back to my house. I called my parents and asked if we could just hang out in the living room and watch movies for a while, which of course they were thrilled to let us do. Any date that was happening under my father’s roof was preferred by him.

  My dad had quite the collection of Adam Sandler movies, so we just picked from the home library for the night. Somehow, Tyler had never seen “Happy Gilmore,” which was my favorite of the bunch. We watched it and my dad found his way into the living room a few times to watch with us. Watch over us, I thought. Tyler was careful around my father. Not confident and respectful like Reed. He was polite, but I always had the feeling that he was wishing we were alone more.

  My parents went to sleep at about 11 p.m. with orders that Tyler had to go home by midnight. Tyler questioned me about how hard that time was set in stone, and I told him that the odds were high that my dad had set an alarm just to make sure that we followed his rules. He grimaced a little at that.

  Tyler took full advantage of the hour of alone time, however. Within minutes he had me on my back in a full make-out session on the sofa. My heart was racing from his potent kiss. I couldn’t lie, they were delicious. But I was also nervous. His hands were firm on my sides, but slowly sliding up my body. For the longest time he was careful to only hold my back and slide up to my face and neck.

  When his hand finally slid up the back of my shirt, I felt both a thrill and a rush of nervousness through my veins, my heart double-beating somewhat. I wanted to experience this kind of closeness so badly. Even Sienna had serious kissing sessions with the two or three boyfriends she had. I was always the one hearing the stories, desperate to understand it all on my own. But I had also always fantasized that it would be Reed who was touching me.

  Tyler’s kissing grew more intense, and he was slowly working from my lips to my neck, his hand sliding from my back to my sides before finally, softly caressing my breast. My breath hitched a bit at the sensation of it. It was more personal than I had imagined it would be, and a little thrilling at the same time.

  He kept his hand there, his fingers teasing my skin softly while his kissing slowed, almost as if he was gauging my reaction. I wasn’t saying stop. But I wasn’t sure I was saying ‘go farther’ either. He met my eyes for a moment, and I caught a flash of those irresistible dimples as my hand grabbed at the back of his hair. I was in a bit of a trance staring at his lips, unaware of anything around us when he spoke.

  “Is that your phone?” he asked.

  “Huh? Oh…I don’t. Hold on, let me see,” I reached into my pocket and brought the screen up to my face. I had two missed calls. Both from Reed. “Hey, I just need to see what this is. Hang on,” I said, sitting up and sliding myself from underneath him just a bit, hiding the screen from his view.

  I tapped the text screen and saw a string of text messages as I stood up and walked into the kitchen. “Can I get you anything while I’m up? I’ll just be a sec. I think it’s Sarah,” I lied. Why was I lying? This was so bad.

  “Yeah, a Coke would be great,” he smiled, sitting up and straightening his messed hair a bit with his hands. He turned back around to watch the television, thankfully a little distracted.

  When I got behind the counter in the kitchen, I scrolled through Reed’s texts. There were dozens of them. They started about an hour ago and were stranger as the time stamp went on.

  Hey there, pretty girl. Thinking about you.

  Nolan? Are you out with Tyler? I thought you were coming to the party. Where are you?

  Is he touching you?

  Haaaaaaaa, hhaaaawwaaa. I like tequilaaaaa.

  Noooooo LAAAAAAAN :-P I’m sorry I M an asshole.

  I don’t need you. I have a girl. Her name’s Tamara. She said she’d do anything I want, so suck it!

  I didn’t mean that. But if you’re with Tyler, fuck you.

  The last few made me wince. The rush of making out with Tyler had completely worn off now and I was yanked back to the reality that is my unrequited love for what was quickly becoming a teenaged disaster. Reed was in bad shape, and I knew it. I almost hesitated to listen to the messages, but worried, I did anyhow.

  The first one was from Reed, and he was so incoherent that I couldn’t really understand him. I thought he might have dialed me from his pocket. He was laughing uncontrollably and I could hear a girl giggling in the background when the message cut off. The next one came about 30 minutes later. This one was from Sarah.

  “Nolan. You need to come get Reed. We’re at the desert party. I wasn’t going to come, but Calley’s in town and we thought it’d be fun. He’s messsssed up, man. He keeps trying to talk people into fighting. Shit, I think he just asked Calley to hit him. I tried to get him to let us take him home, but he refused. Said the only way he’s going home is if Nolan comes to get him herself. I’m so sorry. I know this is the last thing you need, but I’m worried, Noles. Call me as soon as you get this. I took Reed’s phone to keep him from making stupid drunk phone calls.”

  Too late for that, I thought. My head was swirling. I knew I was going to go get him. I had to. Any other choice was one I couldn’t live with. But I was also overwhelmed with how to get out of the situation I was in now. Tyler in my house, midnight and my parents not wanting me to be out driving in the desert. I took a deep breath and walked back into the living room to get through my first hoop.

  I smiled faintly, showing a little worry in my brow when I sat on the couch next to Tyler. “Hey, so I am so sorry to have to bail on our night like this, but my friend’s in trouble and needs some help,” I tried vague, hoping I could get out of this without a lie.

  “What’s going on? Can I help? Let me get my shoes on and I’ll take you wherever you need to go,” he was being sweet.

  I just held my hand on his arm to slow him a bit. I was going to lie. “No, no. It’s ok. It’s just Sarah. She went to the party and has been drinking too much. She’s at her house now, but is really sick. She’s alone and she sounds freaked out.”

  I held my breath hoping he went along with my play, and when he did I was so relieved. Lying was hard. I needed to do less of this, I thought.

  “Oh, ok,” he paused, still seeming to be thinking about trying to come with me. “As long as you are ok. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Promise you’ll call if you need me, though?” he said, standing and holding one of my hands as we walked to the front door.

  “I promise,” I smiled, and he bent down and kissed me one last time. Still a hard kiss, no less passion than just minutes before. But where my knees went weak earlier, they were only filled with urgency now. I needed to get to Reed.

  “Call you tomorrow?” he said, as he hopped down the front steps and into the gravel of my driveway.

  “Mmmmm,” I smiled and nodded.

  As soon as his lights faded around the corner, I shut the front door and paced around the living room a few times, running my hands through my hair and putting it in and out of a ponytail. I didn’t know how I was going to get through this next hurdle.

  I knew my parents were barely sleeping. I knew that they were waiting for Tyler to leave. If I could just hold out a few minutes in my room, I was pretty sure they would think I had truly gone to bed. I shut out all of the lights, locked the front door (I would go out the back) and made my way to my room where I even went so far as to change into my baggy sweat pants and giant Coolidge football shirt that I had stolen from Mike years ago.

  With the lights off, I sat with my knees up to my chest in the fa
r corner of my bed and dialed Reed on my phone. My chest beat rapidly and sped up with each unanswered ring until finally Sarah answered. She was whispering.

  “Noles?” she asked.

  “Yeah, it’s me,” I just waited. Not sure how to make my next move.

  “Did you listen to my message,” she was still whispering.

  “Yeah, I got it. I’m trying to wait out my parents and then I’ll sneak out the back… why are you whispering?” I was curious. I could hear the party still raging behind her.

  “I don’t want Reed to hear me. He keeps asking about his phone. He thinks he lost it. Of course, then he forgets about it and five minutes later he asks where his phone is,” her frustration coming through in her tone. Sadly, I could imagine how Reed looked. The time he lambasted me in front of everyone drunk was still scorched in my mind, and the way he looked and sounded was hard to erase.

  “How bad?” I asked, not sure if I really wanted to know.

  “Pretty bad. Like way worse than I have ever been, and you’ve seen me at my worst, girl,” she added. She was right. I was the pro at curing Sarah’s hangovers. She’s been getting lit up since 8th grade. The product of very loose parenting.

  We sat on the phone silent for a long time. When I finally felt like I could make my move, I let out a heavy sigh. “Sarah, I don’t know if I can do this,” I admitted.

  She sighed back. “I know. But Noles?” she was still whispering.

  “Yeah?” I responded.

  “You have to. You’re the only one. And you know it,” she said. She was right. I was. And I knew it. Whatever this stupid torture dance was that Reed and I were doing with each other, it was still very much about us. I couldn’t understand why he was pulling me close but then pushing me away. It was killing me. And there was Tyler, who was…unexpected. Part of me felt like I deserved Tyler. But that same part of me was also angry. And I didn’t know if that was the right reason to be with him.

  I hung up with Sarah and managed to silently escape my room. I made it look like I was in bed, but barely. I didn’t really want it to look like I was trying to pull of a hokey sneak-out, which was exactly what I was doing.

  I backed out my car slowly, leaving the lights off until I got to the main road. When I made it to the turn off for the desert party, I felt a swift sense of terror. I was scared. Not for me, but for Reed. I had this sick feeling that I was late, but I was also dreading seeing him in this condition.

  Parking my car on the other side of some of the brush around the tables to keep it out of sight, I turned the engine off, killed the lights and hit the call button to find Sarah. I ended the call instantly, though, when I saw him standing on the roof of the black Mustang. His shirt was off, tucked into the back of his jeans and hanging behind him. The tops of his plaid boxers were peeking out from the waist of his jeans, his stupid perfect abs on display for the girls who were fawning over them. His hat was on backwards and he was singing something at the top of his lungs, his words not really making sense.

  He stilled when he saw me. Thank god Sarah spotted me first. She rushed over to me and shoved his phone in my pocket, leaning my ear to her. “He just started asking for you again, so good timing, chica,” she winked, trying to bring levity.

  “Great,” I smirked, rolling my eyes a little. I sucked in a deep breath as Reed was climbing from the top of the car and winding his way to me on his unsteady legs. His swagger was faulty when he was like this. When he finally stopped to stand a few feet in front of me, he bent down to take a bow and then looked back up with a smile.

  “You came,” he had a huge grin, but immediately it turned to a frown. “He’s not here, is he? Are you mad at me?”

  His thoughts were everywhere. How the hell was I going to get him home? Pursing my lips, I nodded once and decided I was going to have to be tough to get through this. “Reed, it’s time to go home,” I said politely but firmly.

  Unfortunately, he started pouting. “Oh, come on. Don’t you want to stay and party with me and my friends?” he asked, waving his hands in all directions at the rest of the drunk teenagers littered through the campsite.

  “No, Reed. It’s time. Now, come with me,” I was firmer. I held out my hand and he just stared at it, his arms slumped down at his sides. His face was somber. After a few very awkward seconds, he grabbed my outstretched hand loosely and just looked back up at me shrugging.

  “OK,” he said.

  I made eye contact with Sarah and she mouthed, “do you want me to come?” I just shook my head. I knew Reed was harmless in this state. I could knock him over if I wanted to. The only things he could hurt me with were words, and she couldn’t protect me from those.

  I got him over to my car and slid his long legs into the front passenger seat, grabbing the seat belt and handing it to him. He just smiled with a stupid grin. “Do it for me?” he asked, like a child. I grabbed his hand and put the belt in it and slammed the door.

  Swearing to myself as I rounded the front of the car, I threw my side open and slid in forcefully, slamming it shut again. I started the car and peeled out a little as I backed up. I had no idea how I did that.

  Reed looked out the window most of the way to his house. His playful demeanor was now more quiet, deep in thought. When I pulled up into his driveway, he turned towards me one more time. “Promise you’re not mad at me?” he asked like a kid who broke their parents’ lamp.

  I may have told a lot of lies tonight, but I still couldn’t lie to him. “No, Reed. I can’t promise that. But we can talk about that tomorrow,” I said, getting out of the car and coming over to his side.

  Getting him into his house and up his stairs was a feat in and of itself. I think I blanked out on the last few minutes because suddenly we were in his room with the lights off and he was flat on his bed. I pulled his shoes off and jerked the shirt out from under him that had been tucked in his pants. It was one of my favorites. A dark red and blue plaid button down from Abercrombie. Under different circumstances, I would probably find a way to take it home and sleep with it so I could take in his smell while I slept. But tonight it smelled of alcohol. In fact his entire room did.

  His breathing was heavy, so I was pretty sure he was passed out. I fluffed a pillow and slid it under his head. It was pretty dark, but I was fairly sure his eyes were shut. I waved my hand in front of his face a few times to make sure. To be perfectly honest, I may have given him the finger once or twice, too, in my own amusement. I went into his bathroom to splash some water on my face, cracking the door just a little so the light didn’t disturb him. When I was done, I sat back on the edge of the tub and let out a heavy sigh.

  I turned the light off and came back into his room. I checked on him one final time, looking closely at his face. His face looked flushed in the moonlight that was streaming through his window. I put my hand on his head gently and he felt a little warm. I snuck back into the bathroom keeping everything dark to get a wet wash cloth when I heard him speak.

  “Nolan?” he asked softly. I couldn’t tell if he was dreaming and talking in his sleep or not. I stood still at the sink and waited a few seconds. He didn’t say another word so I came back into his room and carefully put the cloth on his head, pressing it a few times before removing it to cool him off. I left it on his night stand in case he needed it later and then carefully made my way to his door, my footsteps quiet.

  “Are you still here?” he asked again. I froze and waited. “Nolan?” he was really talking. This wasn’t a dream.

  “Yeah, I’m here,” I sighed and leaned into the frame of his door. His eyes were closed, but his face looked pained. I walked back to him to get a little closer so I could see his face. I picked up the cloth again and put it on his head. He reached his hand up and put it on mine. His eyes still closed.

  “I love you,” he said simply. “I fucked up. But I love you.”

  There was no way I was going to be able to drive anytime soon. I felt like Dorothy flying through the tornado to Oz. Eve
rything was spinning, and I couldn’t get a full breath. I sat down on his bed and just stared at him, his breathing heavier now. He was fully asleep moments after dropping that bomb on me.

  It was the earliest hours of the morning, and my friends were sprinkled around town, none of them able to talk me through this. I had to do this on my own. Reed said he loves me, I thought, over and over. Arguing with myself, I would one minute have myself set on chalking it up to his drunken state. But my heart was fighting against all other reasoning. The scariest part was I so badly wanted it to be true. And I wanted him to say it to me again in the morning.

  I must have spent an hour sitting bedside with Reed, listening to the light rhythm of his breathing and watching his chest rise and fall. I found myself checking his forehead a few more times until I felt like his fever was reduced. It was 2 a.m. by the time I was able to get my feet working enough to tackle his stairs. I stopped in his kitchen for a glass of water and was washing it at the sink when I heard the sound of his front door opening. The lights went on and I didn’t know what to do. I was sure it was Buck, but I didn’t want to scare him.

  “Hello?” I said, loud enough for him to hear but not loud enough to frighten him.

  “Hey, who’s that here?” I heard him say back.

  “It’s me, Buck. Just Nolan. I gave Reed a ride home. I was just leaving,” I said as I rounded the corner, but then stopped suddenly as Buck was bent over, his bags dropped haphazardly on the ground and his tie pulled out from his neck. He was breathing hard and reaching to clutch at the side table where he set his keys and without warning he fell to his knees and then rolled to his back.

  “Oh my god, Buck,” I screamed, rushing over to him. I pulled his tie out completely and started to unbutton the top of his shirt, his body was covered in sweat and his face was red. He started to grip at his chest and I knew.

  “I’m calling 911, now!” I shouted rushing to the phone in the kitchen to make sure they had an address to go by.