“And Jace never looks at me that way. I’ve never felt loved the way Scotty loves her. I’ve never felt beautiful. I’ve never felt important. He always has to work, and I understand that but…he’s never around. And when he is around…he’s not.”
“Jace?”
“My boyfriend.”
His hand stilled. A minute passed without movement. “I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”
“We’ve been together for a few years… Of all people, he should understand how important this is to me. But he doesn’t care. When I asked him if he even wanted to be with me anymore, he said yes. But he still acts the same…I don’t understand.”
Ash stayed quiet but he didn’t pull his hand away from mine. “What does he do for a living?”
“He’s a firefighter. So I understand why he misses so many things. I guess I get tired of it.”
“I don’t see why that’s relevant. If you were my girlfriend, I’d make sure I was there for everything. There’s nothing I wouldn’t miss just to be with you.”
Those were just empty words.
“If he hurts you this much, you shouldn’t be with him anymore. A man should make his girlfriend feel like the most beautiful woman in the room every single day. He should shower her with affection and love. She should never question his loyalty and devotion. He should be the rock of the relationship, the solution to every problem, the crutch to every injury. He shouldn’t be the reason why a gorgeous woman is crying on a slab of bricks on one of the most important nights of her life.” His voice was quiet but it contained his rage.
“How would you know? You’ve never been in a relationship before.” It was irrelevant and I wasn’t sure why I said it. I was just upset.
“No, I haven’t. But it’s because I haven’t found a girl I’d be willing to commit to in that way. My hesitance of a relationship doesn’t make me a worse boyfriend. It makes me a better one because I actually care. Believe me, if you were mine this wouldn’t be happening right now. I’d be everything your parents never gave you. I would stand by your side and worship you every day. And I would make sure you felt beautiful every night in my bed.”
I finally looked at him, unsure what to expect.
He looked back at me, the pain in his eyes. “When you’re in pain, I’m in pain.” That was all he said.
“You hardly know me…”
His hand squeezed mine. “But you’re my friend. And I care about my friends.”
Giving into my weakness, I rested my head on his shoulder. It was nice to be comforted by someone, especially someone I never expected to care. Ash continued to hold my hand, never loosening his grip.
People started to head to their cars and drive away. We were hidden by the brick wall, unseen in the darkness. Neither one of us moved and it didn’t seem like we intended to.
My phone lit up with a text message.
Where the hell are you? It was my sister.
I’m with a friend. I’ll catch up with you later.
Are you okay?
Yeah. I will be.
I returned my phone to my clutch.
“I don’t mind staying out here all night, but maybe we should head home.” His lips were close to my ear.
“Yeah. I’m starting to get cold.” I sat up and fixed my make up.
Ash took off his jacket and placed it over my shoulders.
“You didn’t have to do that…”
“With you, I’m always a gentleman.” He grabbed my hand and walked me to my car. “Will you be okay to drive?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Okay.” He opened the door for me. “You leave it unlocked?”
“Who’s going to steal it?” I finally smiled.
He chuckled. “Good point.” He took my hand and helped me get inside. Then he shut the door. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
I fidgeted with my keys for a moment before I started the engine. Then I drove home, letting the silence echo in my mind. The warmth from Ash’s hand still clung to mine. It seemed to be forever burned into my skin.
When I got home, Ash was already there. He was leaning against his BMW, looking clean in his suit.
I got out and he walked with me up the stairs.
“Do you want to come to my place?”
I gave him a suspicious look.
“I can make hot cocoa.”
“Hot cocoa?” That was random.
“My mom used to make it every time I had a bad day.” He shrugged. “I guess it’s a tradition I’ve held onto.”
The offer moved me. “Sure.”
He unlocked the door and we walked inside.
I wasn’t sure what to expect before I walked in. I guess I expected it to be dark and messy. There would be condoms everywhere and Playboy magazines. But it was nothing like that.
Brown leather couches sat in the living room. A red rug was on the floor and a cherry wood table was in the center. Pictures of his family decorated the counter. And there was a painting on the wall.
It was a young boy and girl walking hand in hand. They were on the beach, their backs to the viewer. The boy was taller and older. He carried a toy bucket and shovel. The girl wore a sundress with a hat. I recognized the brushstroke immediately. “Livia?”
He nodded. “She painted that for me.”
My heart melted just from looking at it.
“We used to be close when we were little. Actually, we’re closer now. Whenever our parents would fight, I would take her to the beach so she wouldn’t have to listen to them yell. I always thought I was being discreet about it, but she figured it out…at least I think that’s what this painting means.”
I couldn’t stop looking at it. “It’s beautiful.”
“My sister is very talented.”
I turned to him. “You’re very fond of her.”
He shrugged. “I love her. Sometimes.”
I smirked at him. “You love her. All the time.”
“You caught me.” He patted the sofa. “Sit down and I’ll get that hot cocoa for you.”
“Thanks.”
He disappeared into the kitchen then reappeared with a steaming mug. “I hope you like marshmallows.”
“I never have hot chocolate without them.” I took a sip. “It’s good.”
“I used real cocoa. Well, my mom used real cocoa. I just copy her. I always assumed I would make them for my kids so I stole her recipe.”
“Kids? You want to have kids?”
He suddenly looked uncomfortable. “I just meant if I did…”
That’s not what he said but I wouldn’t push him on it.
He stared at me from his side of the couch.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“You keep staring at me.”
“What else should I stare at?”
I guess I was used to Jace staring at the TV. I didn’t answer him and I kept drinking my warm beverage.
“Just in case you didn’t know, you did really well tonight. You sold your first photo for fifteen hundred, and The Purple Meadow sold for three thousand.”
I almost dropped the mug. “People actually paid that much money?”
He nodded. “Why wouldn’t they? You’re very good at what you do.”
“Wow…I could pay rent for the rest of the year with that.”
He laughed. “Maybe you should treat yourself instead. Buy a new dress or something.”
“No, I need a new lens for my camera. My old one is pretty scratched up.”
“I’m sure that stuff can be expensive.”
“It is. But I’m sure your medical stuff is too.”
He shrugged. “I guess.”
I crossed my legs and held the mug in my hands. “Why did you decide to go to medical school?”
“Well, my father is a surgeon. He had tremendous influence when it came to my life ambitions.”
“And that’s the only reason?”
“No. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to have a respectable title. I want
ed to make my dad proud.”
“But you don’t want to help people?” How could he leave that out?
“That wasn’t a driving factor until recently.”
He really did tell the truth, bluntly and with no regrets. I used to think he was a jerk but at least I always knew what he was thinking. Jace would say one thing then do the exact opposite. It made me wonder if he was lying.
“Are you feeling better?” he asked.
“A lot, actually. Thank you.”
“I’m glad I could help. I can’t say I’ve ever felt the way you do, but I have felt excruciating, heartbreaking pain. We have that in common.”
What pain did he refer to? “May I ask what?”
He ran his fingers through his hair before he returned his hand to his lap. “It involves someone else’s secret, so unfortunately, I can’t share it with you.”
Someone else’s secret? What are the odds that I know them? “Is it someone I know?”
He nodded but didn’t speak.
The only mutual friend we had in common was his sister. “Livia?”
“Yeah.” His voice was weak.
I wondered what happened… I wasn’t going to pry into her business, but I was concerned. “I hope everything worked out okay.”
His eyes darkened. “She’s better now. But I’ll never be better.” His eyes moved away from mine and looked out the window.
The despair in his voice broke my heart. I’d never seen him so dark and desolate. “I’m here if you need anything.”
He turned back to me. “Thanks…”
Silence stretched between us. I sipped my mug and felt the marshmallows melt in my mouth. It was much better than the cheap packaged kind. I might have to steal the recipe from him, but not so I could make it for my kids, just so I could make it for myself. “Can I ask you something?”
“You can ask me anything, Alaska.” His voice was quiet.
“Why do you have so many one-night stands?”
He averted his gaze again. I wasn’t sure if it was out of shame or because he just didn’t want to look at me. “I don’t want intimacy and I don’t want to be close to anyone. I just want to release my frustration and drive.”
“Why?”
He still wouldn’t look at me. “When you’re close to someone, they can hurt you.”
That was not a response I expected. I assumed he would say something gross, like he was trying to bed as many girls as possible until he settled down for marriage. “Has someone hurt you before?” I couldn’t picture him in a relationship.
“Not in the way you’re thinking. But someone very close to me was…hurt. And I couldn’t bare it if something happened to my wife or child. It’s just easier this way…”
I didn’t know what to say… Whatever happened to his sister really shook him up. Every time I saw her, she was happy and beaming. She was full of life and joy. It was hard to imagine her ever going through a dark time. But whatever happened was something Ash never forgot about. It was clear he wasn’t the asshole he always projected, and the depth of his pool was so deep I couldn’t see the bottom. “You’re nothing like I first thought.”
He kept staring at the window. It was like he hadn’t heard me.
I grabbed his hand with mine and caressed his knuckles. The skin was burning hot and soft. His fingertips were dry, probably from constantly washing them. I left my mug on the coffee table and scooted closer to him. Then I rested my head on his shoulder.
His head leaned against mine and he played with my fingers. Neither one of us spoke, just staring out the window together. Sitting close to him made me feel unnaturally comfortable. I inhaled his scent and listened to his steady breathing. Before I could control myself, my eyes became heavy and closed. And I fell asleep.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Ash
I downed my second beer while I watched the game on the screen. The Padres were playing the Giants but it was a boring game. It was nine to zero and the Giants were winning. I wasn’t even sure why I was watching it.
Sage rested his arm over the back of the booth while he looked at me. “Everything okay?”
“I’m fine.” I sighed and leaned back.
“You seem…down.”
“I’m fine.” I clenched my jaw in irritation.
“Alright. I’ll back off.” He glanced around the bar, taking in the talent.
I wasn’t sure why I was in such a bad mood. Alaska slept at my place a few nights ago. Her head rested on my shoulder and she breathed quietly beside me. I sat still and listened to her, feeling her chest rise and fall. Her fingers eventually loosened around mine and she hooked her arm around my waist, snuggling with me like a teddy bear.
My heart surged into overdrive for hours. Then I couldn’t keep my eyes open for a minute longer. I lay my head on hers and fell asleep.
It was the first time I’d ever slept with a girl.
I wasn’t even sure what happened. I chased after her because I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t prepared for the sight of her tears. Seeing the pain in her eyes broke my heart. It was exactly what I wanted to avoid, to care enough about someone to feel what they feel. But it happened.
My mind became weak and I held her hand, wanting to take care of her. I didn’t want her to be upset. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to smile. But then she broke my heart.
She has a boyfriend.
And he sounded like a fucking asshole.
I practically stalked her through my peephole and not once did I see some guy come over. A delivery man never brought flowers. He never showed up to fix her car or give her a ride when she needed it. He wasn’t at that damn art show. I never met the guy but I already hated him.
I was so confused.
“Blonde at the bar is making eyes at you.” Sage nodded to the left.
I turned and spotted the busty blonde who was eye-fucking the shit out of me. She probably knew about my performance through reputation, and my defined physique was obvious through my clothes. I had brains and money. What more could a girl ask for? I turned back to Sage and drank my beer.
“Are you going to talk to her?”
I shrugged. “Eh.”
“Eh?” He stared at me like I just told him I signed up for clown school.
“She’s alright…”
“Um…that girl isn’t a perfect ten. She’s like a twenty.”
“Why don’t you talk to her then?”
“I don’t like slutty girls. I need someone with more depth.”
I wasn’t listening to him. I felt the girl bore her stare into my skin. I drank my beer then wallowed in my misery.
When I smelled the scent of strawberries, I knew I had company. I turned and saw the blonde standing beside me, her hands on her hips and her chest up.
“Hey.” She gave me a white smile.
“Hi…” I turned away and looked at the TV.
Sage raised an eyebrow.
“You’re Ash, right?”
“What gave me away?” I sounded bored.
“I’ve heard a lot of things about you—great things.” Her smile never dropped.
“Yeah?” Just go away.
“Why don’t we go somewhere quiet where we can talk?”
Uh…
Sage glared at me and mouthed, ‘what the hell are you doing?’
I just wasn’t in the mood. I didn’t want to go back to my empty apartment and fuck some random girl. The idea left a bad taste in my mouth. “I’ll pass.”
She flinched like I slapped her. “You’ll pass?”
“I’m not feeling well tonight.”
“Maybe you need another beer.”
I was losing my patience. “Just leave me alone, alright?” I glared at her then waved her away with my hand. “Go throw yourself at some guy who actually wants you.”
If she had a drink, she’d throw it in my face. “Fuck off, Ash.” She stormed away then headed back to the bar.
Sage reached across the table and p
ressed his palm to my forehead. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
I pushed his arm away. “Don’t touch me.”
Sage dropped back into his seat, his eyes wide. “I’ve never seen you turn down sex—ever.”
“Well, I did. Get over it.”
“Is there something going on that you aren’t telling me about? Because I feel like I’m talking to a completely different person.”
I threw my cash on the table. “I have to go.”
“Okay…”
I never left without finishing a beer, but I abandoned my glass and headed out. I just wanted to be alone, to not be analyzed and ridiculed. I didn’t even find that girl attractive. She was busty and thin, but she was hollow and stupid. I didn’t even want to look at her.
When I came home, I sat in my car for a while, feeling the sadness creep in.
What was wrong with me?
I ran my fingers through my hair then leaned back in my chair. My head was spinning and I felt like I was falling. My life hadn’t been the same since that art show. Alaska’s scent was permanently lodged into my nose. The scent of lavender was heavy. Even when she wasn’t around, I smelled it.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
“Where do you want to have dinner?” a man said.
I sat up and looked out my window. A man was walking down the stairs, holding hands with a woman in a gray dress. When they came closer, I realized who it was.
“Anything but Chinese.” It was Alaska. She held his hand while she walked beside him.
“You don’t like Chinese?” he asked. He wore a short sleeve shirt, and his entire arm was marked with a tattoo. It had black lines that snaked all the way to his forearm. He had short hair like he shaved it, and his eyes were a menacing green. He was filled out and packed with muscle.
“No, as I’ve said on numerous occasions.” The annoyance was in her voice, but she kept it hidden. But I recognized it.
“How about Mexican?” he asked.
“Sure.”
I felt sick to my stomach watching them walked together. His hand was wound tight around hers.
Suddenly, he stopped before they reached his car. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be at your art show.”
“It’s okay.” Judging the sadness in her tone, it wasn’t okay.
He hooked his arm around her waist and kissed her. It was brief and passionless. His lips pressed against hers softly before he pulled away.
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