I hated seeing how heartbroken she was. It shook the foundation of who she was as a person. “Don’t let him tear you down. He was just one guy. There are hundreds of good ones out there.”
“I have yet to meet one,” she said bitterly.
I didn’t agree with that. “Scotty is a really good guy.”
She softened slightly. “He is. And he loves your sister so much.”
“Not all men are pigs.”
“Just ninety-nine percent.” She played with a strand of hair. “You know…when we first met I judged you. I thought you were a jerk for the way you carried out your personal life. You picked up random girls that you didn’t give a damn about, had your fun, and then sent them on their way.”
I didn’t want to discuss my personal life.
“You never lied to them. You told them from the beginning what they were getting out of it. You’ve never had a girlfriend because you knew you couldn’t be a boyfriend. Now when I think about it, your view of sex and relationships is perfect.”
Perfect?
“Why do we bother being in relationships? It just makes both people worse people. They hurt each other and betray one another. All it does is rip them apart. Ash, you were right from the beginning. It’s a waste of time to get close to someone. You love your friends and your family with everything you’re worth, so you don’t need much else.”
It was the first time someone agreed with my promiscuous lifestyle, but it was also the first time I questioned it. “It’s not all it’s cut out to be…”
“How so?” She stared out the window.
“Well…you have sex with people but there’s no intimacy. You feel hollow and used. They don’t hold you after sex or get to know you. There’s such a lack of communication that it’s hard to believe you’re really with another person.” Doubts had been swirling in my head lately. Ever since Alaska found out what Jace did, I hadn’t slept with anyone. I never had the urge and I never went to the bars. I just stayed home, worrying about her. “It’s really not all that fulfilling.”
“But you never get hurt. People can’t let you down because you don’t let them. No one ever gets close enough to nick you. You’re far away from the fire so you never get burned.”
“But I also never get warm.” I stared at her while I said it.
“It just makes me question everything…”
I knew she was hurting right now so it was natural to feel dead inside. But I hoped this didn’t rearrange everything she believed in. I hoped she didn’t just start sleeping around, becoming like every other girl I met in La Jolla. Because she was too good for that, too classy. She deserved to be worshipped by a guy, not used. “I think Jace just wasn’t the right guy. You’ll find someone that makes you believe in love again. And this time, he won’t let you down.”
She kept staring out the window, lost in thought.
And I stared at her, wanting to know what those thoughts were.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Alaska
Over the next few weeks, I was still pretty reclusive. I didn’t want to do anything. Even photography didn’t catch my attention. I worked with old photos I already had and tried to make them better, but I didn’t take my camera out. Right now, I couldn’t find anything beautiful in the world.
I hadn’t told my sister the truth and I knew I needed to confess. She didn’t like Jace anyway so she would probably be thrilled we were broken up. But she might go bat-shit crazy when I told her what he did. Even though she was my younger sister, she was protective of me. I was the same way with her.
I finally met her for lunch at a taco shop. After she stuffed everything into her mouth then downed all her soda like she’d just spent a month in the desert, she started talking. “What’s new with you?”
That was my opening. “Nothing.”
“Any new pictures?”
“No…I’ve just been working on older stuff.”
“So, do you know any more about the guy from the art show?” She had a twinkle in her eye.
“What guy?”
“Ash—I think that’s his name.”
“My neighbor?”
“Yeah.” Her eyes lit up. “Have you seen him grab the paper in his boxers?”
My face reddened. “You sound like a teenager sometimes.”
“What? He’s hot.”
I never really thought about him in that way, but I couldn’t deny that he was a good-looking guy.
“Is he single?”
“He’s no good for you,” I said immediately.
“What? Why?”
“He’s not the kind of guy who looks for a relationship.”
“Who said I was looking for a relationship?” She smirked.
I hit her arm. “Don’t be gross.”
“He seemed like a nice guy.”
“He is.” I recalled all the sweet things he did for me. “He’s actually a really good guy, one of the best people I know.”
She studied my face. “You have a crush on your neighbor?”
“What? No!”
“Then why are you smiling like that?”
“He’s just helped me get through a tough time…I’ll never forget his kindness.”
“Tough time? What’s going on?”
Now I needed to come clean. My pleasant mood disappeared. “Jace and I broke up over a month ago.”
“Yes!” She clapped her hands in excitement.
I gave her a glare.
“I mean…” She rested her hand on mine. “Are you okay?”
“I’m getting there.”
“I’m glad you finally dumped him. I hate to say it but he wasn’t in love with you anymore. His eyes were always wandering and he never paid attention to you. If you told me he was cheating on you, I wouldn’t be surprised.” She laughed at her own comment then sucked down the rest of her soda.
Now I felt awkward.
She caught the look. “What?”
“Nothing.” I picked at my rice but didn’t eat it.
The sadness filled her eyes. She looked at me like she lost the whole world. The remorse and pain shined bright, and she took a deep breath, steadying her emotions. When she looked at me like that, it made me want to cry. I stayed strong and pretended she hadn’t wounded me. “Alaska, I’m so sorry…” She squeezed my hand and sighed. “I’m such a bitch. I’m sorry. I didn’t know…”
“It’s okay,” I said quietly.
Flustered, she ran her fingers through her hair. “How did this happen?”
“Ash caught him. They got into a fight then he came home and told me what happened. Like an idiot, I didn’t believe him and stayed with Jace. But then Ash caught him again and recorded everything…I couldn’t deny the evidence.”
She rested her face in her hands, the shock evident. “That piece of shit.”
“I stayed in my apartment for almost an entire month. Ash made me food and brought me groceries. Then he brought me little surprises every now and then. He really helped me a lot…”
“He sounds like a great guy.”
“He is.”
“What happened with Jace?”
“I ignored his calls for a few weeks until he came to my apartment and tried to break down the door. I returned his belongings then told him to never bother me again. Of course he denied everything, but that just pissed me off even more.”
“Did you cry?”
“No. I acted like I didn’t give a damn.”
“Good…I’m proud of you.”
“Yeah…”
She stared at me, pity in her eyes.
“I feel like I wasted so much time… If he had just broken up with me when he wasn’t happy anymore everything would have been different. I wouldn’t consider the relationship a waste of time. I would remember what he had and think of it in a fondly way. But now…I hate him. I hate myself for saying that but it’s how I feel. I hate him.”
“I hate him too. If I ever see him, I’ll kick him in the nuts.”
“Don’t bother. He isn’t worth your time.”
“Didn’t Ash get a few hits in?”
“Apparently, he slammed his skull with a beer bottle…”
Her eyes widened. “Hot damn, we have a WWF wrestler on our hands.”
I chuckled. “He can get worked up sometimes.”
“This guy has gone over the moon and back for you.”
“No, he’s just a nice guy.”
She snickered. “I think he’s got the hotts for you.”
“When we first met, he hit on me at a bar and asked if I wanted to head back to his place.”
“And you said no?” She looked at me like I was crazy.
“That’s not my style and you know it,” I said. “Instead, we’ve become friends. But he said he wouldn’t mind it if we were fuck buddies too.”
“Then why aren’t you…?”
“Because he’s my friend.”
“Look, you were in a relationship for two years and that ended in flames. You’ve only been with Jace since I can remember. It’s time to live it up, you know what I mean?”
“We’ve only been broken up for a month and a half and you want me to start dating?”
“Who said anything about dating? Just go out and have fun. Sleep around. Make out with a random stranger. Just relax.”
She was always the party animal, not me. But I was at a point in my life where I doubted the purpose of relationships. They seemed to be important during times of financial hardships for women, and when the population needed to grow. But now…what purpose did they serve? People just ended up hurting each other anyway. One out of every two marriages ended in divorce.
“Come on. Go out with me and just let loose. You’re so hot, Alaska. The guys will be giving you the deed to their house just for a date. Believe me. They do it to me all the time.” She winked.
I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. I was still in my moping around the house phase. “I’ll think about it.”
“Nope. It’s happening. Deal with it.”
There was no arguing when it came to my sister.
I’d been single for two months. Two months had come and gone and I was still upset. I didn’t miss Jace. The longer we were apart, the more I realized how wrong our relationship was. He didn’t treat me with any respect whatsoever. While I loathed him, I also doubted myself.
Was there something wrong with me? Scotty was in love with Livia. Why couldn’t Jace be in love with me? Was I lacking in some area? Was I not pretty enough? Did I suck in bed? What did I do to deserve this betrayal?
I hated to admit it, but the break up with Jace took a toll on my confidence. I shouldn’t let it affect me but it did. How could he treat me like scum unless I really was scum?
My sister was dragging me out tonight and I was supposed to meet her at the bar in fifteen minutes but I still stood in front of the mirror, trying to figure out what to wear. I decided on a gold dress because it highlighted my skin tone. Gold bangles were on my wrist and I wore black pumps.
But I stuck out like a sore thumb. I was used to wearing my sweatpants all day long. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually tried not to look hideous. The dress was slightly loose around my stomach from the weight I lost during my depression. It was an accidental side effect. I didn’t mean to lose any weight. My chest was already flat as it was.
When I decided that dwelling on my imperfections would just make me later, I grabbed my clutch and stepped out my door.
Ash was outside his door, taking out the garbage. He froze when he saw me. His eyes quickly took me in, starting from my toes and to my face. His eyes were wide like orbs. “You look…where are you going?” He cleared his throat.
I stepped closer to him, feeling wobbly on my heels. “I look ridiculous, huh?” I looked liked a girl that was trying too hard. Loser was written all over my forehead.
“No…” He shook his head. “Definitely not.”
I gripped my clutch as I felt my calves and ass burn from standing in the heels.
“You look…gorgeous.”
“Really?” I looked down at myself again.
“Yeah. A million bucks.”
“Thanks…”
“So, where are you off too?” He left the garbage by the door and came closer to me.
“My sister wants to go out...” I released a sigh while I said it. “She says I shouldn’t stay cooped up forever. And I need to loosen up and not let that asshole ruin my life.”
“I agree. But be careful.”
“I will. I’ll probably stay huddled in a corner while my sister takes to the dance floor.”
He smirked. “Will you be drinking?”
“A little bit to take the edge off.”
“Well, I’m staying in tonight so if you need a ride, just text me.”
“Thanks.” He was always a good friend to me.
“Have a good time.”
“Thanks.” I turned away.
“Alaska?”
“Hmm?” I glanced at him over my shoulder.
“You look damn fine.” He winked at me.
I blushed. “Thanks…” Then I headed down the stairs to my truck.
“That’s all you’re going to drink?” Payton pushed the glass closer to me.
“I’m not a horse.”
She rolled her eyes. “What happened to loosening up?”
“Is loosening up synonymous with being wasted?”
She shrugged. “I think so.”
Now it was my turn to roll my eyes.
She looked across the bar. “Oooh…look at those two guys.”
I followed her direction. They were cute but I didn’t feel anything. “They’re fine.”
“Fine? No, they are hot. Look at those arms. We should talk to them.”
“Uh…I’m good.”
She glared at me. “If you’re just going to sit here and talk to me, then you aren’t even out. We could have done this at home.”
“How about we take baby steps?”
“Are you not over Jace?”
I was definitely over Jace. “Of course, I am.”
‘Then pick up a new guy.”
For some reason, Ash’s face came into my mind. There was no reason for it, and I couldn’t explain why I reacted that way. “I’m just not ready for that…”
“I didn’t say marry the guy. Just have fun.”
“I don’t know how to have fun…”
“Then I’m going to teach you.”
“How about we just head home and watch TV in our pajamas?”
She gave me the darkest scowl I’d ever seen. “I’m not even going to respond to that.”
Maybe I should have just stayed in tonight. Ash could have made me hot cocoa and had a quiet conversation with me. Wait. That was exactly why Jace betrayed me. I was boring and unremarkable.
Payton waved at the two guys.
“What are you doing?” I hissed. I grabbed her arm and yanked it down.
“Here they come.” She gave them a wide grin then sat beside me.
My heart was beating at a million miles an hour.
One of the guys had blonde hair and blue eyes. His arms were thick like he carried trees for a living, and the other guy was a brunette. They were both six feet tall and easy on the eyes. They whispered to one another while they walked, probably deciding who gets whom.
I was not ready for this…
The brunette moved to me. I guess I was his pick. “Hey.” He pulled his sunglasses over his eyes. “I need to protect my eyes from the sun.” He held his hands out like I was a burning ball of fusion.
“Huh?” I didn’t get it.
He pulled his glasses off. “Your dress. It’s gold.”
“Oh.” Duh. “I get it…” God, I was awkward.
Payton immediately started chatting with the blonde. I knew he was into her because he was leaning close to her, hanging on every word she said.
“I know you’re going to think this is a line, and I don’
t really care, but you’re seriously one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. When you guys waved us over, I almost didn’t believe it.”
Most beautiful woman? Yeah, it was a line. But I wasn’t going to be a jerk about it. “Thanks…”
He stared at me hard. “So, what do you do?”
“I’m a photographer.” I guess meeting someone new wasn’t that bad. He seemed nice.
“Cool. What do you photograph?”
“People and places. I do weddings and portraits.”
“Even cooler.” He sat in the stool beside me then scooted it closer to me. The music was loud so conversations were difficult. Or maybe he just wanted to be closer to me. I wasn’t sure. “So, you got a boyfriend?”
My body stiffened at the question. “No.”
“That’s the answer I was hoping to hear.”
I turned to Payton to see if she was just as uncomfortable as I was. Her and the blonde guy were making out like the world was about to end.
He caught my look. “Looks like they’re paired off for the night.”
Damn.
“I’m Kyle, by the way.” He leaned closer to me like he might kiss me.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Alaska.”
“Alaska? That’s a very cool name.”
Did he know any other word besides cool? “Thanks…”
He stared at me hard for a moment, his eyes lingering on my lips and my eyes.
I knew what was coming.
He leaned in, going for the kill.
My heart kicked into overdrive. I wasn’t ready for this. I couldn’t make out with a stranger at a bar. It would lead to other things I couldn’t handle. His cologne moved into my nose and my head started to spin. The music was loud, thumping in my ears, but I could still hear my sister’s sighs of pleasure while she practically dry-humped her date.
I pulled away and almost tripped over my chair. “Sorry…I can’t.”
Confusion flooded his face. He watched me like I was a bomb about to go off.
I stormed away from the table, heading for the entrance. I had to push around people just to get through. It was dark and light was limited. The smell of marijuana came into my nose. It felt more like a club than a bar.
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