I headed past the bar when I spotted someone I recognized. Jace’s tattoo was visible under the dim lights. He stood at the bar while Sarah sat in a stool, her legs open. He stood between them, his face pressed close to hers. With one hand on her ass, he kissed her. Then he pulled away and said something, making them both laugh. Then he kissed her again.
It’d been two months but the sight still bothered me. It wasn’t the fact he was with someone else, the fact he didn’t love me. But it was the fact I wasn’t good enough. Sarah squeezed her knees around his waist and let him grope her openly. She wasn’t shy about what she wanted. Her low-cut shirt showed her obvious cleavage, and Jace stared at it every few seconds, not being discreet about it. She was outgoing, slutty, and lively. No wonder he preferred her over me. I preferred staying at home, hiding from the world. I wanted a quiet conversation over music. I wanted a relationship based on trust and friendship. I never dived head first into anything.
I thought I was living my life the right way, but I clearly wasn’t. My parents didn’t want me and neither did Jace. I needed to change my life, be different. I needed to be fun and outgoing. I wanted to lose myself and be like my sister. I didn’t want to be in pain anymore. I wanted to be reckless without any consequence.
I turned back around and marched to the table.
Kyle was sitting in the same spot, looking bored. Payton and Blondie were still going at it, hard and heavy. I’m sure they’d leave in a minute or two, shacking up at someone’s apartment.
I came back to him then stopped in front of him.
He looked at me, the confusion back.
Okay…now what?
He stared at me, waiting for something to happen.
I took a deep breath then cupped his face. Then I kissed him.
I was drunk off my ass. I had too many glasses to count and my head was starting to spin. I was sitting on Kyle’s lap with my arms hooked around his neck. His erection rubbed against me every time he moved. The alcohol lowered my inhibitions, making me crazier than I’d ever been. We kissed with aggression, sucking each other’s mouths while our tongues rubbed together.
He suddenly pulled away. “You want to get out of here?”
Do it, Alaska. Come on. “Yeah.”
“Awesome.” He finished his beer then grabbed me by the hand. He led me out of the bar. My sister and her date were already gone. Now it was just me and Kyle.
Kyle steered me to the left, but I wanted to go to the right. I wanted to make sure Jace got a glimpse of me. Feeling brave, I put Kyle’s hand on my ass and made him squeeze it.
He smirked. “You’re my kindof woman.”
We marched past Jace and I hoped he saw me leave with some random guy. I didn’t need him. I was doing just fine without him.
We got into his Jeep.
“I have a roommate,” he said. “Your place?”
“Sure. I live alone.”
“Sweet.”
I gave him the address.
“I can’t believe I’m going home with the hottest chick in that bar.” He said it with pride.
“You already got me. You don’t need to feed me lines anymore.”
He gripped my thigh. “It wasn’t a line, baby.”
My mind was sluggish and my movements were slow. I stared out the window while he drove to my apartment. If I were sober, I’d be scared to death. I would think this wasn’t a good idea. But tonight, alcohol was numbing me.
He parked outside then walked with me up the stairs. When we reached the landing, he groped me and kissed me. His erection rubbed against my hip, telling me exactly what he wanted.
We hit the door and he pressed me into it, gripping my thigh while he shoved his tongue into my mouth. I dropped my clutch so I couldn’t get my keys out.
“I want to fuck you so bad,” he said into my ear.
No one had ever said that to me before. I wasn’t sure I liked it. “Are you going to keep kissing me or make good on your word?”
He smirked then grabbed my clutch from the ground, shoving it into my arms. “Get the door open.” The intensity was in his eyes.
When I moved to turn around, he was yanked off of me.
“Get away from her.” Ash gripped him by the throat then shoved him hard to the ground.
“What the fuck?” Kyle cringed when he looked up. “I thought you said you didn’t have a boyfriend?”
“I don’t.” I looked at Ash, unsure what was happening. “What the hell are you doing?”
Ash kept staring at Kyle, the rage on his face. “Leave. Now.”
“Mind your own business, asshole.”
Ash kicked him hard in the side then punched him in the face. “Go or I’ll break your ribs.”
Kyle slowly got to his feet, gripping his side. “Shit…” He headed down the stairs, trying not to fall.
“What’s wrong with you?” I marched to Ash, feeling the anger.
“What’s wrong with me?” He gave me the same look of fury. “You’re picking up guys at bars and fucking them at your apartment? You’re obviously drunk and don’t know what the hell you’re doing.”
“I know perfectly well what I’m doing. It’s my decision to make and I can do what I want.”
“Not on my watch.” He clenched his fists while he stared me down. “You’re too good for this.”
I shoved him hard in the chest, feeling the emotion break the surface. “If I’m too good then why did Jace treat me like shit? Why did my parents leave? I’m not valuable. I’m just like everyone else. And if I want to get drunk and screw some guy I will.”
“No.” That was all he said.
I put my hands on my hips. “What? Are you just mad it isn’t you?”
His eyes narrowed.
“You want to fuck me, don’t you? That’s what you said. You just wanted to get in and get out then move on. Right?”
His body tensed and his shoulders straightened.
“So, come on. Let’s do it. It really doesn’t make a difference if it’s him or you.” I shoved him so hard he slammed into his door. Then I pressed myself against him and kissed him.
Ash’s lips were unresponsive. He remained immobile while I gave him my best moves. He breathed hard, trying to fight it. Then he reciprocated. He kissed me hard, crushing his mouth against mine, and his hands dug into my hair. The longing and desire leaked from his skin and into mine. He was a much better kisser than Kyle. It wasn’t sloppy and wet. It was purposeful and sexy. He sucked my bottom lip then breathed into my mouth.
“Fuck, you’re good at that.” I gripped his face and kissed him harder.
He reached behind him then got the door open. We practically fell into the apartment, but he supported both of us with his strength. He was over a foot taller than me so I had to stand on my tiptoes to reach his lips. After he slammed the door closed, he scooped me up and pulled my legs around his waist. He held me against the door while he kissed me.
I wasn’t nervous. All I knew was that I wanted him, wanting to feel his lips all over my body. I wanted to feel him inside me, stretching me. I didn’t suck in bed. I could prove that I didn’t.
He moved me down the hall and into his bedroom. Then he sat me down and moved on top of me. My legs squeezed his waist, holding him to me. His sheets felt soft underneath me, and my head rested on the pillow. His lips worshipped mine. His tongue made my spine shiver.
I grabbed the hem of his shirt then pulled it up.
He abruptly broke our kiss then grabbed my hand, steadying me. The desire faded from his eyes and he breathed hard, but a change had occurred. Then he pulled away. “I can’t do this…”
I sat up. “Why?”
“It’s wrong.” That was all he said. He didn’t look at me again.
“What? You can sleep with any other girl but you can’t sleep with me?”
“You aren’t just any other girl,” he snapped.
I yanked down the strands of my dress then pulled it off. Other than my underwear, I was na
ked. “Come on. This is what you wanted, isn’t it?”
Ash wouldn’t look at me.
“Why am I not good enough for you?” I felt the tears form under my eyes.
“No.” His voice was quiet. “It’s the other way around, Alaska.”
I gripped his arm and tried to pull him to me. He wouldn’t budge. “What’s stopping you?”
“You’re drunk.”
“So? All the girls you fuck are usually drunk.”
“You’re different.”
“How?”
“You just are,” he snapped. He yanked his arm away. “The next morning, they regret what they did. They let me use them, and that hurts them, wounds them. I don’t want you to feel that way.”
“I don’t care, Ashe.”
“Well, I do. I don’t want you to regret me. That’s not how I want this to go. If you ever want to sleep with me, I don’t want it to be like this. I want you to look at me and feel something for me. I want you to be sober. I want it to mean something.”
Where was all this coming from?
He stood up, still not looking at me. “I know you’re going through a hard time, but fucking random guys isn’t going to solve your problem. I know Jace hurt you, but don’t change who you are because of it. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, on the inside as well as the outside. You’re the kind of woman I dream about. You’re perfect in every way. I enjoy your silence as well as your company. I love the fact you care more about quality than quantity. I love the fact that you’re devastatingly beautiful but you’re completely ignorant to it. You’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever known, and I will not let you ruin that for one stupid asshole.”
I sat still, unsure what to say.
“I’m sleeping on the couch.” He walked out, still not looking at me, and then shut the door.
I wanted to chase after him, to continue the conversation, but I felt dizzy and uncoordinated. His bed was so comfy and I didn’t want to get up. Vertigo took me and I couldn’t think straight. I lay back on his pillow then felt the sleep descend. Within seconds, I passed out on Ash’s bed.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Ash
I’d been watching her apartment through my peephole on and off all night. I had to know she got home safely. If she didn’t return by one in the morning, I was going to call her.
When she showed up with some asshole, sucking his face off, I wasn’t pleased. He didn’t give a shit about her. He just wanted to get between her legs and come hard. He wouldn’t call her again. She would just give him something to brag about. She would regret it the next morning, and it would only make her feel worse with every passing day.
So I got rid of him.
But I didn’t expect the next part. She kissed me, slamming me into the door. The instant our lips touched, my breath was pulled out of my lungs. The alcohol was heavy on her breath, but I still loved her taste. I’d wanted to kiss her since the moment I set eyes on her and I was too weak to resist her. I’d fantasized about her, imagined how good it would feel to kiss her.
Even drunk, she met every expectation.
I carried her into my bed, feeling my desire come forth. I’d wanted to get between her legs since our first conversation. I wanted her to moan and scream under me, feeling the same level of pleasure. I wanted to rock her world and make her come hard just before I released.
But then I stopped.
I saved her from an asshole that wanted to use her, and I was about to do the same thing. Alaska had become my friend when I didn’t expect it, and she became something more on the way. As much as I tried to deny my feelings, I knew she was very special to me. I’d sacrifice anything for her. She didn’t even need to ask.
So I couldn’t go through with it. It was damn hard to say no, but I did. The last thing I wanted was to be a regret. I didn’t want to sacrifice the relationship we’d built over the last four months. It wasn’t worth a night of drunken sex. I wanted her, really wanted her, but on different terms.
I couldn’t count the number of drunken girls I picked up at a bar and took advantage of. I fucked them without remorse then never thought about them again. I got off, so I couldn’t care less what happened to them.
But I would never do that with Alaska…because I cared about her.
I slept on the couch but didn’t get much sleep. I kept thinking about the kiss we shared. My body had never been lit up like that. She made me pant and moan with just a simple kiss. It took a lot more to get me hot, but with her, it didn’t require much.
When she stripped off her dress, it took all my restraint not to look. I’d imagined what her naked body looked like countless times. She was all curves and valleys. I wanted to run my tongue alone every groove. I wanted my face to be between her legs, tasting her.
But I stayed strong and looked the other way.
She never would have shed her clothes in front of me if she weren’t drunk. It was wrong to take advantage of her disability. But that didn’t make it easy.
I woke up early and made a pot of coffee. Then I started studying, knowing she wouldn’t wake up for hours. I kept her in my bed so I could keep an eye on her. I didn’t want her to sneak off and do something stupid.
When it was noon, my bedroom door finally opened.
I waited for her to walk down the hallway and appear. When she didn’t make a move, I wondered what she was waiting for.
Then her small feet hit the hard wood floor lightly, coming closer to me. She finally rounded the corner, her dress back on. It was wrinkly and there was a faint beer stain on the front. She didn’t wear her heels, and her hair was a mess. Her makeup was smeared across her face. She had raccoon eyes.
But somehow, inexplicably, she looked beautiful—like always.
I stared at her, waiting for her to speak first.
She rubbed her head as she approached the other side of the table. “I have a migraine…”
She was lucky that was all she had. “Sit down. I’ll get you some Aspirin.” I stood up then pulled a chair out for her.
She eyed it hesitantly before she sat down, pulling her dress down so her thighs wouldn’t be exposed.
I disappeared into the kitchen and fetched everything for her. I made French toast and eggs, and brewed a pot of coffee. And I poured her a glass of orange juice. When I set it before her, she looked like she might faint.
“This looks so good…”
“Then eat it before it gets cold.” I sat back down and returned to studying.
She ate quietly, moving like a sloth. She downed her juice then finished off her coffee. Her plate was spotless by the time she was through. She kept her eyes averted and she remained quiet.
She rubbed her temples then slouched over the table.
“It’ll go away. Give it time.”
“Thank you for breakfast,” she whispered.
“You’re welcome.”
She still didn’t look at me. It was like she was embarrassed to.
“Do you remember what happened last night?” Maybe she didn’t.
“Yes…” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I’m sorry for my behavior.”
“It’s okay.”
She covered her face sighed. “I guess I just wanted to prove something.”
“To who?”
“I don’t know…myself. I saw Jace at the bar with that girl. I was going to walk away from Kyle but I just got so upset…I made a hasty decision, wanting to make myself feel better.”
“You don’t need to prove anything, Alaska. When a woman doesn’t mind being alone, that’s how you know she’s strong. If you don’t want to go out and sleep with strangers, don’t. That’s not you.”
“But why can’t it be…? Look at you. You’re happy with your life.”
I was happy? “Alaska, I’m miserable.”
“You are?” She finally shifted her eyes to me.
“Yeah.” I swallowed the lump in my throat while I looked at her.
�
�Why?”
Should I tell her the truth? That I had feelings for her…in a way I never felt before? But she was so fragile. And I didn’t want to put too much pressure on her. Now wasn’t the time. “I’m tired of having meaningless sex. I never get close enough to the fire to be burned, but I’m so far away that I freeze. I want to be warm, even if I have to risk the sting of the flames.”
“Then why don’t you stop?”
She obviously didn’t pay as much attention to me as I did to her. “I haven’t slept with anyone in over two months—almost three.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
She looked at me with new eyes. “What does this mean? You’re going to start dating?”
There’s only one girl I’d like to date. “I’m not sure.”
She rested her chin on her hand. “I feel so stupid now…”
“Why?” What did that mean?
“I just…I was being an idiot. I’m so glad you were there, Ash. I would have gone through with it then loathed myself later.”
I was glad she saw it that way. “What are friends for?”
She focused her gaze on me. Her brown eyes were hypnotic, blinding. “Thank you for being there for me…you’ve been so sweet to me for the past few months. I really appreciate it. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
Feeling brave, I grabbed her hand on the table. “You’re welcome. I really care about you, Alaska. I want you to be happy.”
She nodded. “I need to stop moping around and let Jace get to me. I need to move on.”
“But in a better way this time,” I teased.
She chuckled. “Yeah…definitely.”
I didn’t pull my hand away. I didn’t want this connection to end, to sever this feeling. “Have you tried out your new lens?”
“No, not yet.” She sighed. “I need to get back to work.”
“Let’s head to the beach and give it a try.”
“Today?”
I had homework to do, but it didn’t seem important anymore. “Yeah.”
“That sounds like fun.”
“Get ready and we’ll go.”
“Okay.”
I walked her to the front door then waited for her to walk out.
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