Powers in a Teenage Witch
Page 9
Megan helped me up on the bus that was to take me home, and when she entered, she said, “Well, it was nice meeting you.”
“What are you talking about? I’m not dead yet.” I said, joking around.
“Oh?” She said and walked out.
Weird.
Was she going to kill me?
Does she know something I don’t?
Oh well, maybe next year I will find out.
* * *
[I1]The story beginning is solid and it has a drawing effect and makes me feel that I will enjoy your book
[I2]You established the sex of your character right at the beginning, good.
[I3]Good, you quickly established the character name which is Selena.
[I4]Without going too deep yet, I can already sense you understand the concept of projecting inner thoughts. I look forward to seeing if there is consistency in these in the rest of the manuscript.
[u5]Perhaps you can rewrite this as " But it sounded word for word like the radio broadcast from earlier on". Please check.
[I6]Here, it gets interesting … time to see the flow of your fiction storyline … I can also sense at this point that your POVS(Point of view) narrator is “Selena”. I look forward to seeing if your POVS will be handled well.
[I7]Short description, this is good.
[I8]She seems frightened at the moment, I think it will be difficult for her to enjoy this situation or the story her mother was about to tell her…. How about “I would like that”
[I9]I doubt that an official letter from a school will involve telling the recipient about the possibility of meeting a life time partner, at least, not in the letter… from a reader’s point, I felt uneasy seeing these… I know it’s fiction but we can still try to make it feel real .. what do you think?
[I10]Strong way to end the chapter. Now I feel like reading more.
[I11]I hope to see where and how this would be used later on in the story.
[I12]Can I come in with a suggestion here, this is starting to look like a trope but it can be made more unique, at the moment, it is looking like harry porter movie at this point … can I suggest another means of transportation to Saturn.
[I13]Trope alert! Can I suggest you change this part. Of course, the decision is yours to make.
[u14]Finished?
[I15]Good!
[I16]Do you mean it was written on the palm?
[I17]At this point, you pointed out a personality of Selena, I will be keeping track of how her personality develops from this point. You had also showed earlier that she was into hot boys and she is also into books.
[I18]Selena likes Math but not English as she fell asleep in the English Class or perhaps, it was because she didn’t expect to be in the class with the special kids students. One thing is established in her character thus far, she likes hot boys like an average teenager and she seems to be intelligent at the same time.
[I19]As a reader, I got confused here. Is she acting dumb like she didn’t understand that her mother was scared that a dangerous person can go over to Saturn.
[I20]Good, I will like to see more differences between living in Saturn and earth, I also hope to see more differences between a regular school on earth and a wizard school, I hope to see weird things happen, weird creatures not used in other novels, hope to see conflicts, tragedy, escapes etc
[I21]Hot? “Easily” perhaps?
[I22]I lost interest at this point as a reader, all I am reading about are classes, I am not intrigued anymore. Can I suggest spicing things up?
[I23]Another class again…This is dragging for too long, can I suggest a bit of something interesting and intriguing in between all these classes… Now, this class seems interesting...am drawn back in as a reader at this point again.
[I24]The teachers introduced so far seems to be like regular ones on earth. Can I suggest a funny or weird or cool or interesting wizard teacher at this early part of the novel. A teacher that will do something so amazing that I will still remember his/her name even after flipping over to the next chapter. So far, I can only remember two character names, Megan and Selena. I am certain some readers will only remember Selena at this point. I hope to read something to fantasize about in the next chapter.
[I25]Megan seems like a regular character at this point, noting unique, weird or crazy about her.. I cannot established any personality of hers aside from the fact that she seems lazy to go to class…. There is no notable character at this point aside from Selena .. I will suggest spicing things up by adding interesting personalities to another character … the decision Is yours.
[I26]Consistency … Good
[I27]Am curious as a reader here, who is this? Interesting …
[I28]Good, we finally see the Feleth in action, can you give a little description of what the feleth looks like …
[I29]Can I suggest you make things more scarier and dangerous here, a little bit of magical incantations.
[u30]Perhaps you mean to write " I didn't want to stay awake" Please check and re-adjust. Thank you.
[I31]Interesting way to end this chapter. AM CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!
[I32]Finally, another character that sounds interesting, I wait to see what you will do with her character.
[I33]The portion classes seems to be the most interesting of all classes.
[I34]Another difference pointed out, still hoping to see a whole lot more of these, it creates a form of magical excitement and invokes the imagination.
[I35]Selena role is developing which is good, you have been maintaining her voice and I have begun to see her do mischievous things in the future starting with the girl that knocked her out.
[I36]Good…
[I37]You have not told us much about the origins of the Nuxsums.. who are they? What are their ideologies? What harm have they caused the world? Are they powerful than witches and wizards? I hope to see more on them
EDITS…
I later realized that Nuxsums is a single person character and not a group of people. Adding “s” to the end of Nuxsums made it look to me like you are talking about a group of people.
[I38]Another strong ending to the chapter but I have a question, do you think Mr. Xjungtha should be so dumb to drop a contact with the school that has a voice message that starts with ‘Peace be with lord Nuxsums.’I don’t know much about the Nuxsums at this point but I can bet that the university is not a friend of theirs or maybe, the voice note was a set up?
[I39]You have showed earlier that even though Selena is naughty, she is also smart.. so, I agree she can do these.
[I40]Did they use these to come to Saturn from earth, I remember mentioning earlier about troupe alert in the use of trains.. Can I suggest thinking of a way to make this cloud thing a form of transportation between the planets but of course, in a bigger way
[I41]Selena seems to spend lots of times thinking about things instead of actual exciting and maybe magical things happening, this gives room for a withdrawal feeling along the way please… a little reduction will be in order but this depends on you. Selena should do more, learn more, engage more with mysterious and magical creatures or people, or even fall into tragic traps.. Just some suggestions along this part.
[u42]Please the intended meaning of this statement is not understandable. Check please.
[I43]Still no background yet on this guys please…
[I44]I see Megan woke up early this time…
[I45]Change what? The process of acquiring ward? Can you tell us how the process was before now?
[I46]Finally… some action… good …
[I47]Have they taken broom lessons before? This was never mentioned.
[I48]You seem to focus lots of attention on Selena course subjects, this might make readers feel they are studying instead of relaxing and enjoying your novel.
[I49]I believe you will put in a name for this later …
[I50]I received a mail at this point where you mentioned that this was a series, I want to believe that
everything about Nuxsums has been mentioned earlier…
[I51]I mentioned at a point that there was no point where I saw the students being taught how to ride a broom and yet, they all rode it in the search for their wards like experts without a single incident, may I suggest that this part of the lesson be taught a little earlier … this depends on what you want at the end of the day.
[I52]I have not seen Nuxsums done anything tragic or made any attempt to capture Selena for a while now. May I point out now that at this point, the storyline is going in a circle focusing on Selena, her classes, Hurvey and a little of Megan.. the plot is no longer becoming visible, there are no conflicts, no bad guys planning something at the other end… things seems to be stagnant at this point and as a reader, I am feeling withdrawn … if you can adjust and add some conflicts to the chapter above my comments.. I think it will be nice… but as always, this depends on what you want.
[I53]How am I sure Selena knows what a Nuxsums looks like, there was no mention of her researching about them even though they are after her life and the only time it seems she met one in the story was when she threw some papers downstairs on a man that seems to wear wizard hat.. Still, I am not so convinced at this point that Selena is taking this situation of Nuxsum seriously.
Can I also add that at this point, I am aware that the character Selena is into hot boys but there has not been one single case of a boy mentioned anywhere in this story after she got to school. The only time it seems she met a hot boy was on her way to school in the cabin where she sat with Megan… A character of a hot boy in her class that she is into will spice things up, maybe some funny, awkward and magical moments between them… this is a suggestion and as always, everything depends on you.
[I54]Police?? This is Saturn and not earth, I will suggest that you use another word to capture the law enforcers in Saturn .. Something unique that will still easily make it known to your readers that these are law enforcement agents. Perhaps, something with a magical tone to it.
[I55]I am sorry but I am so confused right now, I was always thinking that the Nuxsums were a group of bad guys but at this point, I can see that Nuxsum is a single person… So again, I will be hoping that everything about Nuxsums has been clarified in the series before this one.
[I56]May I point out an issue here please… Selena just came to this courtroom today as ordered by her teacher, why will Oymz tell her she will pay when she was not the reason he is in jail? Or is Selena famous which makes her easily recognizable by bad guys…Even if this was the case, this part of the story has not been written well.. For instance, I was not aware that Oymz saw Selena at any point in the courtroom until he was about to be taken away… will it not be better to have a description of Ozymz looking at her as she came into the courtroom or when she was seated? Perhaps, look at her with hatred in his eyes.
[I57]This does not sound like what Selena mother will say. Her character so far has showed that she loves her daughter deeply.
[I58]The Hook of your story was about Selena and Nuxsums. It’s good to see some action from Nuxsums.
[I59]Finally …
[I60]Who is Blake… as your reader, this character name does not sound familiar to me… I want to believe this character has been in very little scenes in the storyline. Hence, he does not stand out unlike Megan and Huxvey the principal..
[I61]Blake is friend to Selena?? I will suggest he should be giving more scenes especially since he is the one trying to save her live now.
[I62]I will suggest again that this should be changed to something else.
[I63]Boyfriend? I once wrote above about having a boy character, she cannot suddenly have a boy that she loves when we did not seen any interactions between them in the story building up to these. This part of the story seems not to have been properly developed.
[I64]They also seem to talk as if they have been interacting with each other before the incident or even dating … please look into this ..
[I65]This is a line level cliché . I will suggest you change it please.