Vivienne's Guilt

by Heather M. Orgeron

I spin around to face her. “I just noticed all of your messages while putting her down and was going to call you when I got out of her room. I’m sorry that I made you worry. I sort of freaked out earlier, and Reid watched Tillie so I could take a nap. I ended up sleeping all afternoon.”

  Her expression cools and is replaced with a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry you had a rough day, Momma. Do you need me to come back? I can stay here with you.”

  “No,” I respond a little too quickly. “I mean, it’s okay. Reid was here. He was really helpful and great with Tillie.”

  I can tell I’ve hurt her. “Oh, umm, okay. Well, I’m glad you have Reid to help you,” she responds dejectedly.

  “Come on, Cass. You know it’s not like that. I just don’t want to keep you from your life, and I’m trying really hard to do this on my own. I’m very thankful that Reid was here, but I don’t plan on needing him. It’s just nice knowing someone is here in case. I don’t want to disrupt your life, too.”

  “It’s fine, girl. I get it. And for the record...you and Tillie are my life. You don’t disrupt anything. I love you, Vivienne, and I want to be here for you. You need to do this in your own way, and I respect that. Just know that I’m always a phone call away. You don’t have to do anything alone.”

  I walk over to Cassie and give her a big hug. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Cassie,” I say, taking a step back. “You and Tillie...you’re all I have left. I’m sorry if I’m hurting your feelings. I don’t know the right way to do this. I’m just winging it and hoping that I am doing the right things.”

  She shakes her head. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be making you feel guilty.” She pulls a gift bag from behind her back and holds it out to me. “Forgive me?” she asks with a pout.

  “Of course, there’s nothing to forgive,” I answer. “What’s this?” I ask, reaching out for the bag.

  Cassie nibbles on her lip. “Don’t be mad, okay? I got you something.”

  Oh God...

  “What? Why? It’s not my birthday, and I’ve been a moody bitch lately.”

  A grin lights her face. “That’s precisely why I got you this...amazing gift.” She reaches out to stay my hand and adds, “Just keep an open mind...I know how prudish you can be.”

  I glare at her. “What did you do? And I’m not a prude.” I reach into the bag and pull out...“A dildo?” I shriek. “Seriously, Cassie?”

  “A vibrator,” she says proudly.

  “There’s a difference?”

  Cassie rolls her eyes. “Duh.” She grabs it from my hands and removes the packaging. After inserting two AA batteries, she turns it on before passing it back to me. “A vibrator...vibrates. A dildo...is just a rubber dick. It doesn’t do anything.”

  I can’t even...“Why the hell would I need this, Cassie? That’s the farthest thing from my mind.”

  “Because, Vivienne, you’re a woman. A woman who had a very active sex life and just lost her husband. You’re going to have needs, and I know you aren’t going to go off and sleep with anyone else. You’ll be thanking me soon. Trust me,” she says, winking at me. “I can’t have you taking out all that sexual frustration on my goddaughter. Just looking out for my favorite girls.”

  How is this my best friend? She’s so crude and inappropriate.

  “I’m not going to use this,” I say, trying to hand it back to her.

  She pushes it away. “Oh, you will. I wasn’t sure on the size. I figured Abbott must have been well endowed to keep your prude ass craving his dick. This one is nine inches with a thick girth. But, if it’s not right, we can make a trip to the sex store. There are different sizes and...”

  I raise my hand, palm out, cutting her off. “I’m not a whore, Cassie!”

  “Hey! I resemble that remark. And besides, you have to fuck real dick...attached to actual men to be a whore. Plastic and fingers don’t count.”

  A cough draws both of our attention to the doorway. “Uh, I thought that we were going to get in that game of pool tonight? I...uh, let myself in. Bad time?” Reid asks, trying to stifle a laugh.

  Perfect fucking timing, as usual. I’m sitting on the sofa with a vibrating penis in my hand, and I’m sure he just got an earful of that titillating conversation.

  I throw the vibrator at Cassie. “Turn it off!” I say, glaring at her.

  She’s laughing so hard that she can’t catch her breath, and I must be the only one who fails to see the hilarity in this situation because Reid is in hysterics against the wall.

  “Goddamn it, Cassie. Turn the fucking thing off!” I’m furious, mortified, and on the verge of tears.

  That slut gets up and starts chasing me around the living room with the buzzing vibrator, and I’m screaming like a little girl being chased by a cockroach. Reid has plopped himself on the couch to watch our shenanigans with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

  I feel Cassie poke me in the butt with it, and I fall to the floor in hysterics.

  “Stoooop!” I yell, slapping at Cassie, who is now on top of me, attacking me with the vibrator.

  Cassie always has been the fun friend. She never fails to cheer me up or force me out of my comfort zone. We’re opposite in so many ways, from our looks to our sense of humor. She’s overtly sexual, and I guess I am a bit of a prude, although I will never admit that to her. Somehow, we just fit.

  “Hey. No fair. Can I try the sword?”

  I turn my head and see Tillie staring at Cass and me wrestling on the floor. We must have woken her up with all of our noise. “Umm, hey, baby,” I say with a forced smile.

  Cassie switches off the vibrator and tosses it to Reid on the couch like she’s playing hot potato.

  Just shoot me.

  “Here, Reid, go put your toy away before someone gets hurt,” Cassie says with a smirk.

  Reid shoves the vibrator into the gift bag and places it on the top shelf of the entertainment center. Our eyes meet and his are filled with mirth.

  “Hey, Dimples,” he says to my daughter, his eyes never leaving mine.

  “Why can’t I play, too?” Tillie whines.

  I push Cassie off me and sit up, brushing my hands off on my shorts. “Well, because it is past your bedtime, young lady,” I say, panting. “I’m sorry we woke you up. We won’t play any more games without you.”

  Standing, Cassie reaches out for Tillie, wiggling her fingers. “Come here, sweet thang.”

  Tillie leaps into her arms. “Auntieee!”

  Cassie begins walking in the direction of the stairs. “I’m going to read the princess a story and get her back to bed,” she says guiltily.

  I watch them round the corner and snort out a laugh.

  “So, ummm, that wasn’t awkward at all,” Reid says, reaching his arms out to help me up from the floor.

  “You ready to run back home yet?” I ask as we make our way to the kitchen.

  “What? Are you kidding? Why would I? Mom’s house is so boring. Believe it or not, I’ve never encountered hot women wrestling with sex toys in her living room,” he teases. “I love it here.”

  “Spoken like a true man,” I say, rolling my eyes at him.

  “Oh, I’m all man,” Reid says, puffing up his chest. Yes, you are.

  “Right...Okay, well, I guess rain check on the pool lesson. I didn’t know Cassie was coming over. She just showed up with her incredible gift,” I say with an exaggerated eye roll.

  “Yeah, no problem...That was, ummm...very thoughtful. I didn’t realize women gifted those to each other,” he says with a grin.

  “Hah! Yeah, she’s thoughtful, all right. I’m pretty sure most women don’t buy each other sex toys. But, as I am sure you’ve realized by now, Cassie is not most women.”

  He jams his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and rocks back and forth on his heels. “Yeah, she’s something...”

  What does he mean by that? Does Reid have a crush on her, and seriously...why do I even care?

  “Yeah, so...if we could n
ever mention tonight...ever again, that would be great,” I say, nervously biting the inside of my cheek.

  “Don’t sweat it. I haven’t laughed so hard in forever. It was nice to see you having a good time,” he says, grinning to himself. “You have a beautiful smile, Vivienne, and a laugh that begs to be heard.”

  Tucking a lock of hair behind my ear, I look up to meet his eyes. “Thank you, Reid.” That sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach returns. “It’s harder than I ever imagined...living without him.” I shake my head. “I don’t just mean physically being without him; that’s just as devastating as I ever thought it would be. But, trying to live, to smile, to be happy, to find joy...it all feels wrong. I smile, and I think what the hell is wrong with me? Abbott’s dead. I laugh, and I feel like a horrible person because I should be miserable. He’s gone. And, in those brief moments, I forget. I forget that he is dead, and I feel so guilty, Reid. It hasn’t even been a month. I shouldn’t be happy. Not even for the briefest of moments.”

  Reid closes the short distance between us. “Vivienne, don’t. Uncle Abbott wouldn’t want you to be miserable. I can’t say that I understand the pain that you feel, because really, how could I? But, you can’t feel guilty for being alive. None of this is your fault. No one expects you to be a walking corpse, and that’s exactly what you’re describing. To live your life with no emotion, no happiness, no laughter—that’s not living.” Using his shirt, he wipes away tears from my face that I didn’t even realize were falling. “It wouldn’t be good for Dimples, either. That little girl needs you to be whole. She needs to see you smile and laugh and live.”

  I nod. He’s right. Rationally, I can see that. But my feelings. My grief. This pain...It’s far from rational. “Do you want to sit out on the porch? I need some air.” I’m starting to feel as if the walls are caving in on me.

  “Whatever you need, Viv,” Reid says as he follows me out to the front porch swing.

  We each sit on an end and the swing sinks with our combined weight. The chains rattle as we shift around to get comfortable. Turning to face Reid, I pull my legs up, resting my chin on my knees. I close my eyes and listen to the calming sounds of nature: the breeze rustling the leaves, crickets chirping, the movement of the water.

  After a few minutes, I’m starting to doze off when Reid finally breaks the silence. “So...Viv, what do you do?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Sorry, I mean do you work or stay home with Tillie? Obviously, you would need some time off. I’m just wondering if you have a job that you need to get back to.” How shitty is it that my own nephew has no idea what I do for a living? I wish Abbott would have been able to be closer to his family.

  “No. I was a teacher. I taught kindergarten for a few years until Tillie came. Abbott and I decided that I would stay home at least until all of our kids were in school...” I trail off. And the hits just keep on coming.

  “You all right?” Reid asks. “You got kind of quiet there.”

  “Yeah...I just...I just realized that there won’t be any more babies...Tillie won’t have any brothers or sisters.”

  He reaches out and rubs my knee with a look of apology. “I’m sorry, Vivienne.”

  I place my hand on top of his. “It’s okay. Just another dream I’ll have to get over, right?” I say, giving his hand a squeeze in return. “At least I have Tillie.”

  A smile spreads across his face at the mention of her name. “She’s really something, Viv...coolest kid ever!”

  Just then, Cassie comes barreling through the door with a bottle of wine, two glasses, and a Bud Light. “Out like a light! Let’s get this party started,” she says, handing the beer to Reid. “You look like a beer drinker.”

  Reid responds with a nod of approval. “Thanks.”

  Reid

  I grab the beer from Cassie’s hand. I’m so fucking relieved that she showed up to distract Vivienne from her thoughts. Viv’s moods make my head spin. One minute we’re laughing and having a great time and then right before my eyes, she crumbles.

  Cassie’s arrival seems to have worked. Vivienne rises up from the swing and follows her friend over to the patio table where they are all whispers and giggles while pouring their wine.

  “To best friends,” Cassie says, holding out her glass to Vivienne. “I love you to the moon and back.”

  Vivienne raises her glass as well. “To sisters,” she says to Cassie as they clink their glasses together. “And to new friends,” she adds, looking in my direction.

  I reach out and tap the neck of my bottle to the tops of their glasses. “To beautiful ladies,” I say, giving them each a flirty grin.

  “Can we keep him?” Cassie begs.

  Vivienne laughs. She laughs, and I see so much in that carefree giggle: a glimpse of the woman who’s still in there somewhere, hidden beneath the pain. I want to bring that girl out to play. I want to see her uninhibited and free. I want...I want things that I definitely should not want from her.

  It’s only been a few days, and I was hoping that this infatuation would begin to wane, but if anything, it only gets stronger with every moment I spend in her presence. I find myself jealous of Uncle Abbott for finding her first...for being free to date her and love her...and fuck her. If she were anyone else, I’d be all over that. But she’s not anyone else. She’s my aunt—my dead uncle’s wife and completely off limits.

  We sit out on the porch for about an hour, drinking and talking. I mostly listen. Those two women rarely stop to breathe. They have a bond unlike any friends I’ve ever known. The girls reminisce about their college years, and Abbott’s name is a constant. I try not to let the mention of my uncle sour my mood. It’s absurd this jealousy. I’m generally a good guy, and I know this is beyond wrong. The feeling is so foreign, and I don’t know what to do with it. I barely knew my uncle, and maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to think of Viv as his. I’m confused as fuck because really, I barely know Vivienne. It shouldn’t be this hard to put her in the “friend zone.” I keep telling myself that I wouldn’t touch her—that I’m not that guy. But deep down, I know that I wouldn’t be able to stop myself if she gave me even the slightest hint that she’d be into it.

  “All right, guys, it’s been real, but unlike some people,” Cassie says, looking back and forth at Vivienne and me, “I have to be up early for work tomorrow.” Cassie pokes out her bottom lip as she pushes up from her chair. “I’m having issues with one of my placements...Sierra...again,” she says to Viv. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with that girl...” she trails off. “Anyway, I probably won’t be back ’til this weekend. I’m going to spend the next few afternoons with her and see if I can figure out what’s going on. But call me if you need anything...and answer my damn calls!”

  Vivienne nods slowly as if it takes a concentrated effort to hold her head upright. “I will, I promissssse,” she slurs.

  Is she drunk? Surely she couldn’t have drunk that much in the little time we’ve been out here.

  “Reid, would you mind walking me to my car?” Cassie asks.

  “Yeah, sure.” I start to rise as Viv returns to her spot on the swing, and my movement throws her balance off. I reach out and grab her by the arms before she falls flat on her ass.

  “Shit!” she shrieks as I lift her up to my chest. “Oh my God! You did that on purpose!” she yells, swatting at me. “Why’d you move the sw-the swing?”

  Fuck, she’s cute tipsy.

  Cassie erupts into a fit of laughter. “Oh my...that was great! You should’ve let her bust her ass.” Her eyes glisten with tears as she hugs her stomach, trying to contain herself.

  “Fuckkk youuu, bitchhh,” Viv slurs. “He moved the swinggg,” she says, poking me hard in the chest as she looks up at me with murderous eyes.

  “You aren’t usually this much of a lightweight, Vivienne. Did you start before I got here?” Cassie taunts.

  “Shut your sasshole!” she spits out, leveling her gaze on Cassie, who is sti
ll clearly amused. “I t-toldd you I’m fineee. It’s not myyyy f-fault he moved the swwwwing.” Her body begins to tremble, and I can tell she’s really getting upset. Does she honestly believe I would try to make her fall?

  “All right, ladies, that’s enough,” I say, trying to prevent Viv from going over the edge. When did I become the voice of reason? I hold the swing steady with one hand and lower Viv back into her spot. “You sit here until I get back. I don’t think you need any more of this,” I say, grabbing the wine glass that she somehow still has clutched in her tiny fingers.

  “What do you knowww? Hmmm? Y-you don’t knowww w-what I neeeed.”

  “Oh, but I do...” Cassie teases. “It’s on the top shelf of your entertainment center,” she whispers loudly and then scurries away from Vivienne before she has a chance to attack. She yells back over her shoulder, “You’re welcome!”

  Shaking my head, I push Viv back down in her seat. “Stay...let her go.”

  “What’s she talkinggg abouttt? On my enter-entertainment centerrr?”

  Maybe she did start drinking earlier because she is fucking lit. I’m not about to explain that one. “Just, please stay right here. I’m going to walk your scaredy-cat friend to her car, okay?”

  I feel her begin to relax when I whisper, “Be right back,” into her hair.

  What the hell is going on?

  I jog to catch up with Cassie, who is almost to her car by now. I could’ve just let her go by herself...I’m pretty sure she only asked me to follow her for a chance to get me alone. That probably sounds cocky, but I’m really good at reading chicks, and Cassie isn’t very good at hiding her signals.

  “Cassie, wait up,” I call out.

  She stops in her tracks and spins on her heels, rewarding me with a seductive smile. “Didn’t think you were coming,” she says, flirting with her eyes. They are beautiful eyes...green with yellow flecks that shimmer in the moonlight. Cassie is a huntress...a little vixen.

  Shit! Why can’t I be interested in the one who is clearly interested in me? Why do I have to fall for complicated? Complicated? No, not just complicated...fucking impossible.