Vivienne's Guilt

by Heather M. Orgeron

  “No one,” I answer quickly.

  Reid and Cassie both laugh at my expense. I’m getting used to being a source of their entertainment. I think they enjoy embarrassing me a little too much, but I’m okay with it. Embarrassment is better than depression.

  I try to avoid looking Reid in the eye as we gather our things and head back to the house. I wonder what he thinks about me staring at him all through my performance, but I’m too embarrassed to ask. Sometimes, I swear I catch him looking at me with the same longing Abbott would and maybe that’s why I get lost in his eyes so often. My mind sees what it wants to see.

  Vivienne

  Another month has come and gone. I can’t believe it’s July already, I think as I hang the red, white, and blue streamers from the ceiling of the outdoor kitchen. The Fourth was one of Abbott’s favorite holidays. Every year, we had a pool party and barbecue for all of our friends. Abbott was the king of the grill. He said that feeding people made him happy, but I think that he just enjoyed showing off his culinary skills.

  This year’s celebration will be much quieter than previous years. I still can’t bear to be around too many people. The truth is, I wouldn’t know how to act. I’m not the same person that I was before meeting Abbott. I haven’t been that girl for such a long time. He changed me. We changed each other. There’s no going back, but it seems there’s no moving forward, either. We danced through life with Abbott always taking the lead. He was my compass...my north star. When he moved, I moved, and now that he’s gone, I’ve forgotten the steps. I’m afraid to make a mistake and land flat on my face.

  I don’t want to have to see the pitying looks on people’s faces or to be forced to lie when they ask how I’m doing. I’m not okay, but that’s not what people want to hear. The truth would make them uncomfortable, and I’m not in a place to have to be concerned with other people’s feelings.

  “Momma,” Tillie calls, bursting through the back door.

  I glance over at her and smile at her disheveled appearance. Her pigtails are sagging, and she’s already lost one of her red bows. Her white skirt is covered in dirt. She is so Abbott’s kid.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “They’re here, Mommy,” she says excitedly. “I sawed Auntie get out of her car, and she has the guh, Mom!”

  The girl is Korie, Sierra’s little sister. Cassie arranged it with the Clawsons for the girls to spend the Fourth of July with us. We haven’t had the chance to meet Korie yet, but Cassie and Sierra talk about her so often that it already feels like she’s a part of the family. Korie is four and close to Tillie’s age. To say that she’s excited would be an understatement.

  I drop the roll of red crepe paper and the tape into the tray on the top of the ladder then climb down so that Tillie and I can go up front to greet our guests.

  After slipping my white crochet cover-up on over my bathing suit, we walk around the side of the house, and Tillie takes off running. She has already introduced herself to Korie, and the two have run off together by the time that I reach the car.

  I smile when I approach and see that the three of them are dressed festively in red, white, and blue. Even Sierra, which is surprising. She’s usually got the whole emo/goth girl thing going on.

  “Wow, Sierra, you look beautiful in that dress. You should wear them more often.” I walk over and kiss her temple.

  An unsure smile moves across her face as she smoothes down her skirt. “Thanks, Mrs. Vivienne. Cassie insisted that dressing up like the flag is a requirement to attend this party, so here we are,” she says miserably.

  Pressing my hand to my chest, I gasp. “Did you just admit that you wanted to see me so badly that you put on a dress?”

  To that, she gives me an impressive eye roll and stalks off, but not before looking back at me with a half grin. Love her.

  “Hooch!” Cassie comes running around the side of her car, and I shake my head when I get a good look at her outfit. Red and white striped denim shorts with a navy tank covered in tiny white stars and a pair of plastic star sunglasses sitting on top of her head. But the shoes are where it’s at. Somehow, this chick got her hands on a pair of star spangled rubber shit-kicking boots.

  “Nice shoes, Clotille.”

  Cassie strikes a pose. “No need to be jealous, Momma. Yours are in the trunk.” She winks, smacking her gum.

  She’d better be joking. “You’re late! You said you’d be here early enough to decorate. Look how sweaty I am from working outside all by myself this morning!” I scrunch my nose in disgust. She knows how much I hate to sweat.

  “I know I was supposed to be here earlier, but it wasn’t my fault your surprise was late...”

  Good grief. Those words shouldn’t make me so nervous. “You got me another surprise?”

  “Oh, stop looking at me like I’m going to whip out anal beads or something.” Cassie laughs. “You are going to looooove this surprise.”

  I hear a car door open and close, and my heart leaps when I see a familiar face peek around the back of Cassie’s car. “Surprise!”

  Tears fill my eyes. “Momma?”

  “Hey, baby doll. I told ya I’d be back, didn’t I?” Her thick country drawl makes me smile.

  We meet halfway, and I fall into my mother’s waiting arms. The same arms that rocked me to sleep as a baby and held my hair when I was sick. The same arms that saw me through my first heartbreak and lent me their strength as I watched my soul mate being lowered into the cold ground. I didn’t realize how badly I needed this. “I can’t believe you’re really here.” I bury my face into her shoulder, breathing in the scent of her perfume, drawing comfort from the familiar cadence of her heartbeat.

  “I’m here, baby,” she says, rubbing circles on my back. “I’m here.”

  I peer over Mom’s shoulder and mouth the words thank you to Cassie. She waves me off like it’s no big deal, but this is such a big deal, and as I watch her gather the girls and herd them into the house, I’m reminded again how lucky I am to have her in my life.

  “How are you, baby? You don’t say too much on the phone. I thought that you were doing well...ya know...considering. Now Cassie’s tellin’ me that’s not the case. Talk to me, Viv.” Mom pulls back just a little so that she can see my face. With her thumbs, she rubs away my tears while allowing hers to glide freely down her cheeks.

  To this day, there’s something about Momma’s eyes that won’t allow me to lie. I can fake it a little on the phone, but standing here in front of her, I feel completely exposed. My lips tremble, and I try to be strong. I shake my head and feel my throat grow thick. “It’s...hard, Momma,” I cry. “It’s just really hard.”

  Her face contorts with sadness, and I see my pain reflected in her tired brown eyes. “Oh, baby girl...I’m so sorry.” Momma pulls me back into her arms, and her body shakes with silent sobs as she runs her fingers lovingly through my hair. And as I fall apart in her familiar embrace, I feel the broken pieces of my heart come together just a little because when Momma whispers that it’s going to be all right, I desperately want to believe it.

  “I would’ve come back sooner, but I couldn’t afford the flight and the time off of work so soon after the last trip. It kills me that you’re going through all of this without me.”

  I hate my father so much for leaving her to struggle on her own. This shouldn’t be her life. “Mom, you know that you only have to ask, and I’ll fly you here anytime.” Thankfully, money is the thing that I don’t have to worry about. Abbott received a ridiculous inheritance from his grandfather on his twenty-fifth birthday, and we also had great life insurance. Even knowing this, Mom is too proud to ever ask for help.

  “I know. I just don’t like to be a burden. I’m a grown woman and perfectly capable of taking care of myself. But when Cassie called and told me that she wanted to fly me here as a gift to you...well, I couldn’t refuse the chance to come and check on my babies. I only have a few days, but let’s make ’em count, okay?”

  She must
really be worried about me to accept such an expensive gift from Cassie. I smile, swallowing hard. “She always knows what I need before I do...I’m so glad you’re here, Mom.”

  “That girl is a blessing. Knowing that she is here to help you through this is the only way I get any sleep at night.” Mom laces her fingers with mine and tugs. “Come on, darlin’, let’s go inside and get ready for your party.”

  Matilda hadn’t noticed Mom when we were outside; she was too focused on her new best friend. So, when we walk into the living room and she sees her Grammy, she lets out an ear-piercing scream and barrels across the room. “Grammy! How did you getted here?” The smile on her face is the very thing Hallmark cards are made of. Seeing her in my mother’s arms and the bond that the two of them share makes my heart soar.

  I watch their reunion with a smile. After a few minutes of catching up, they walk over to meet Korie at the doll house in the corner of the living room. Momma sits on the floor between the girls, not hesitating to pick up her own doll and join right in. I take this moment to sneak off to the backyard to finish decorating.

  When I step through the back door, I find Cassie busily hanging streamers and flags and Reid cleaning the grill. Sierra is setting up the table decorations and snacks. There’s nothing left for me to do. It all looks so amazing. He would love this. I half expect to walk back into the house and find Abbott in his white apron and chef’s hat. He’d have his patriotic playlist blaring, singing along obnoxiously to every song.

  “Hey, Viv, you wanna bring out some meat? I’m ready to fire this bad boy up.” Reid’s face lights up like a little boy with a shiny new toy.

  “You know how to use that thing?”

  Reid laughs. “I’ve grilled before, Viv. Never on anything this fancy, but I’m sure I can figure it out.” He winks.

  Right. Well, better him than me. I’d probably burn the house down.

  I walk into the kitchen and find Abbott seasoning chicken breasts and belting out “God Bless the U.S.A”. He’s really into it and doesn’t notice when I come in.

  I sneak up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist. “Hey, sexy. You look really hot in that apron.”

  “You just like watching me rub my meat.” He turns his head to the side, giving me a sly smile.

  “I do.”

  “Dirty girl. You kiss your Momma with that mouth?”

  “I do lots of things with this mouth.” I glide my hand down his waist and palm him, feeling his body instantly tense up.

  “Babe, you don’t play fair,” he says, squirming to adjust himself. “Why do you always do this to me? We have a house full of company. Hands off the goods.”

  “No one would notice if we disappeared for a few minutes...”

  Abbott sighs. “Jake’s out back waiting on the chicken titties. Trust me, he would notice.”

  Giggling, I give him a little squeeze before I let go and walk back toward the door. “Well, by all means, let’s not keep Jake waiting.”

  He pokes out his lip. “But now all I can think about is nibbling on your tender titty meat.” He picks up a chicken breast, kneading it. “Chicken titties have nothing on Vivie titties.”

  “No?” I ask, laughing. “So, you won’t be replacing me with poultry, then? That’s a relief.”

  “You two are so fucking weird,” Cassie says, slipping in through the dining room entrance.

  I burst out laughing, and Abbott turns red in the face. I don’t know how he still embarrasses around her. She’s caught us so many times...

  Cassie walks over to Abbott and grabs the seasoning from his hand. “Go wash up and take care of your wife...I’ll handle Jake’s meat,” Cassie offers suggestively.

  “What are you doing, Viv?” Cassie asks, walking up behind me in the kitchen. “You came inside almost ten minutes ago to get the meat.”

  Shaking myself to clear my head, I realize that I have been standing here staring at the island all this time. “I’m sorry. I was daydreaming, I guess.”

  “Must’ve been some dream judging by that smile on your face.”

  “It was,” I say, still grinning from ear to ear.

  Cassie walks over to the fridge and starts pulling the trays of food out and setting them on the counter. “Good. Go get the little ones ready to swim, Momma. I’ll take this out to Reid.”

  After swimming with the girls for a bit, I climb out of the pool to relax in my lounger. The biggest downside to taking these pills is how quickly I become exhausted. I begin to doze off almost instantly to the sounds of little girl giggles and the smell of barbecued meat.

  I faintly hear the sound of Cassie snickering, but don’t open my eyes until...

  “Oh my God!” I jump straight up, reaching down into the front of my bathing suit top for the ice cubes that my former best friend decided would be funny to pour down there.

  “First to fall asleep at a party gets slumbered,” Cassie teases. She pokes out her tongue and hides behind Momma for protection.

  Momma chuckles, scooting around to get out from in front of my target. “Now, Cassie Lynn, don’t go puttin’ me in the middle of this.”

  “Oh, this is war!” I shout, grabbing a handful of ice from the drink cooler and chasing her around the pool. Sierra appears out of nowhere, grabbing Cassie by the arm to slow her down. Good girl.

  She eyeballs Sierra, trying to look upset. “Traitor!” she shouts, but she’s laughing so hard that Sierra isn’t frightened at all by her poor attempt at a scolding.

  She’s got her hands crossed over her chest so that I can’t get into her top, so I pull the front of her bottoms open and drop the ice inside there instead. Hah! Take that!

  Sierra high fives me as Cassie takes off screaming and dives into the pool where she can rid herself of the ice without showing everyone her lady garden.

  When she comes up and clears the water from her face, Cassie narrows her eyes at me. “That was a low blow, Vivienne.”

  “Pun intended?”

  She laughs. “Pun intended.”

  “Hey, uhh, Cassie. You need someone to check out your injury?” Reid calls from the grill, practically pissing himself laughing.

  “Keep it up and you’ll be next,” she threatens, lifting herself from the pool.

  “Hey now, Cassie. That boy’s too young to be talkin’ to like that. Behave yourself,” Momma says, looking appalled.

  Cassie and I look at each other before bursting into a fit of giggles. Somehow having Mom around has reduced us to a couple of teenaged girls, and it feels incredible because that girl felt happy and protected. That girl hadn’t yet had her entire world turned upside down. That girl still believed that Momma could make everything better. Because that’s what Mom’s do: they share your pain and assume your burden. She’s hurting right along with me, and I know this because the only thing that I could imagine to be worse than experiencing this pain myself would be to watch my baby girl go through it instead.

  Mom, Cassie, and I sit at the table, watching the girls chase each other around with red Solo cups of ice. We all have a big laugh when Tillie and Korie sneak up on Reid and pour a cup of ice down the back of his shorts. I’m pretty sure he heard them coming and only pretended to be surprised. He’s come a long way from the boy we met less than two months ago.

  I glance over at Cassie and see the beginnings of tears forming in her eyes as she watches the girls together. I see the way that she smiles without realizing it. How her body involuntarily jerks when Korie, who can’t yet swim, gets too close to the edge of the pool. Her body language is telling. It reveals more than any words could.

  “Cass?”

  “Hmm?” she asks without ever taking her eyes off of Korie.

  “What are you waiting for?”

  She turns to me with a look of confusion. “Huh? What are you talking about, Viv?”

  “You love them,” I say simply.

  I watch her swallow her tears. “Yeah...so?”

  “So...What. Are. You. Waiting. For?
”

  A lone tear trickles down her cheek, and she quickly swats it away. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “They love you, too, you know?”

  “Mmhmm.”

  “So, why are you working so hard to find them a family when you know damn well that they belong with you? They belong with us, Cassie.”

  Cassie shakes her head, choking on a sob. “Why are you doing this? Don’t you know how hard this is for me?”

  I lean forward, resting my hand on her knee. “But it doesn’t have to be. You love them, and they love you. Everything else is just...it’s just paperwork, Cass.”

  “Viv,” she whispers brokenly. “I don’t know the first thing about being a mother. I didn’t even have one...I grew up in foster care. They need a real family. They deserve that. I can’t be selfish and take that away from them trying to fulfill some dream of the family I never had.”

  “Cassie Lynn,” Momma calls from across the table. “What exactly do you think a real family looks like? Families come in all shapes and sizes, sweetheart. Love. That’s what matters...This,” she says, circling her finger between the three of us, “this is a family. This is as real as it gets, baby girl, and if you love those girls the way I think you do...well, they couldn’t ask for better.”

  Cassie wipes her tears before turning her attention back to the kids. “I’ll think about it,” she says, dismissing me.

  I walk over, crouching down before her, and grab hold of her trembling hands. We aren’t finished here just yet. “I know what’s going on here, Cass. You think you aren’t worthy...that you don’t know how to love...” I look up and meet her eyes through wet lashes. “But, I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of your love, and it’s one of the things I treasure most in this life.”

  Cassie’s green eyes overflow with tears, her body trembling, and nods. “I do love you...so much, Viv.” I feel her fingers tighten around mine.

  “I know, and you do it so well, Cassie. You show me every day in so many ways, and you do the same for them. Those girls will never have to wonder if they’re loved because you’ll make sure that they know it.”