Vivienne's Guilt

by Heather M. Orgeron

  Immediately, my head starts imagining the worst. If anyone hurt her...I can’t even go there. “It’s okay. You can tell me.”

  “It’s nothing bad,” she says as tears roll down her face. I have never seen her cry before, and it makes me feel sick inside.

  “Well, what is it?”

  “I’m getting adopted. Both of us. We’re...we’re getting adopted.” Her right hand rises to cover her mouth like she can’t believe the words that just left her lips.

  I can’t help the Cheshire cat grin that spreads across my face. “That’s great news! Do you know the people? Are you nervous?”

  Sierra’s head bobs up and down, and it takes her a minute to stop crying long enough to speak. “It’s Cassie.”

  “Cassie,” I repeat, stunned.

  “Yeah. She pulled us aside earlier and asked how we’d feel about it...It’s good, right?”

  Wow. I could tell that Cassie really cared about the girls, but I’m honestly shocked. I guess you really shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. “Good?” I ask, widening my eyes. “I think it’s great. I mean, who wouldn’t want this life?”

  She smiles with her whole face. “I know, right? I can’t believe it...It won’t be right away because she has to go through classes and get certified, but in a few months...”

  “She has to take classes even though she works at CPS? She’s a damn social worker.” That just seems really stupid to me. Why make these girls wait any longer than they have already?

  Sierra sniffles, drying her tears with the backs of her hands. “I know. It’s dumb, but it’s okay.”

  “I’m so excited for you, Sierra. I think you’re going to be really happy.”

  She stares out across the yard. “Yeah...” she whispers, longingly. “Me too.”

  Vivienne

  “Where’s Prince Reid, Momma?” Tillie asks for what feels like the billionth time today.

  “I told you already that he had football practice. He’ll be home for dinner.”

  “Ughhh. It’s no fun when he’s not here.” She stomps her plastic heel on the tile and storms out of the room. I don’t even bother to correct her because I kind of wish that I could do the same.

  It’s the beginning of August and the last day of camp. It’s also the end of Reid’s first week of practice. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed having him around. My stomach begins to churn when I realize that in a few weeks he will no longer be here with us at all.

  Blinking back tears, I continue chopping onions to add to the gumbo. The onions are a plausible excuse if anyone were to walk in and find me crying, but I only wish that they were the true cause of my tears. The truth is, the thought of being alone in this house terrifies me.

  My phone vibrates against my leg, so I dry my hands on my apron and check to see whose calling. Hmmm, the area code’s from back home.

  “Hello.”

  “Hi. This is Veronica with Anderson and Associates. Is this Vivienne?”

  Anderson and Associates...haven’t heard that name in a while. “Hi, Veronica. What bidding does my sperm donor have you doing that requires you to contact me of all people?”

  She coughs, clearing her throat. “Umm, well...” she stutters. “Mr. Anderson heard about the death of your husband and wanted me to offer his condolences. He, uh, wants to know if you need any money.” Wow. This is rich.

  “Does he? And he’s so concerned about my welfare that he had his secretary call to check on me? How kind,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

  “Well...he, uh. I don’t...” The poor girl is tripping all over her words, afraid to say the wrong thing and get fired, no doubt. I walk over to the window above the sink and look out toward the lake to calm my nerves before I attack this woman for things that are in no way her fault.

  “So, how’d he find out about Abbott’s death?”

  “Oh, he had lunch with a client yesterday who expressed his condolences. Imagine Mr. Anderson’s embarrassment when he had no idea what the man was talking about...” Her voice is accusatory, and now she’s beginning to really piss me off.

  “Imagine that, Veronica. A man so estranged from the daughter that he abandoned as a child that he had no clue that her husband died two and a half months ago! You know...come to think of it, he probably didn’t even know she was ever married. It must be the daughter’s fault, though, right? Surely, I’m to blame for him leaving and then never hearing shit from him again, right? ”

  Veronica mutters something beneath her breath that I can’t understand.

  “I should’ve called this stranger in the midst of my grief to inform him of my husband’s passing to avoid the embarrassment that he no doubt felt in front of his colleague.”

  I hear a click and turn to find Cassie standing in the doorway with a worried look on her face. My lips and hands are trembling but not with sadness. I’m livid. The fucking nerve of this man. “Veronica, you can tell your boss that he has never bothered to be concerned for my welfare in the past and that he need not pretend to give a shit now in the name of saving face with his associates. I’ve been just fine without him for most of my life, and I will be just as fine for the rest of it. I certainly don’t want or need his money.”

  What kind of father has his secretary call his daughter upon learning that her husband died? It should hurt, but I stopped giving him that power long ago. I was only ever a nuisance...a check he was forced to write each month.

  Veronica is flustered when she answers, “Thank you for your time, Mrs. Parker, and we are truly sorry for your loss.”

  I laugh maniacally. “Thanks, Veronica, but please don’t attempt to humanize my father by apologizing on his behalf. I’m sure you realize as well as I have that he doesn’t give a damn about my feelings.”

  I can feel Cassie’s eyes burning a hole in my back as I end the call. “Hey, Cass, how was work?” I ask, washing my hands off in the sink so that I can get back to cooking.

  “Not bad,” she says, setting her things down on the counter. “What was that all about?”

  “Pfffft.” I shake my head and roll my eyes. “It was nothing important. Trust me.”

  She eyes me skeptically. “Didn’t seem like nothing. I know your father had something to do with it.”

  “Yeah...he found out about Abbott...had his secretary call to see if we needed money,” I say, raising my brows. “Can you believe his nerve?”

  Her mouth falls open. “Shut up! He didn’t?”

  “Oh yeah...but only because he found out from a client and he needed to pretend to give a shit,” I say, blowing my hair out of my eyes.

  “Asshole,” she huffs.

  “Whoa, what’d I do now?”

  Relief. That’s what I feel at the sound of his voice. My lips quirk into a smile as I turn my head in his direction. “You’re home early.”

  Reid walks into the room, his hair still wet from a recent shower. The smell of his soap overpowers the food cooking on the stove. “Yeah, coach sent us home. He has some family thing tonight. I’m gonna go spend some time with the camp kids. I’m gonna miss those little shits,” he says with a smirk. “Just wanted to let you know that I’m back.”

  “Well, you better go find Tillie first. She’s all kinds of upset that you haven’t been around today.”

  “All right,” he says, snatching a piece of smoked sausage from the cutting board in front of Cassie.

  Her face screws up in disgust as she watches him pop it into his mouth. “Ew, Reid...that’s not cooked yet!”

  He chokes. “You’re kidding right?”

  “You see me standing here cutting it. No, I’m not kidding.”

  I snort. “Cassie, it’s smoked sausage.”

  “So?”

  “So...” Reid says, swiping another piece, “it’s been smoked.”

  Cassie shrugs, looking at Reid like he’s an idiot. “So?”

  “Jesus, Cass, smoked is cooked.” Sometimes I swear that red hair is artificial.

  “If i
t’s cooked then why do you have to cook it, hmmm? I don’t think you’re supposed to eat it raw. That’s just gross,” she says, cringing.

  I release an exasperated sigh, and Reid just smiles, shaking his head to himself.

  “I’m going find Dimples. I’ll bring the girls out to the lake with me to hang out while you two finish up dinner. It smells delicious, by the way,” Reid says, sniffing the air on his way out of the kitchen.

  “Thanks, Reid. It’ll be done around five. We’re going to eat at the pavilion tonight. They’re here ’til seven,” I call after him.

  Reid’s head pops back into the doorway. “Sounds good. Call my cell when it’s ready and I’ll come help you bring everything out.”

  After we’re through eating, I give each of the children a memory book filled with pictures from their summer at Camp Aspie, and we spend the evening reminiscing and signing books. A few of the kids even climb on stage and sing.

  I can practically feel Abbott’s approval, and I know he’s smiling down on us tonight. I feel so much relief. We did it. We actually pulled this off. There were times when I felt like I’d made a huge mistake. But now, with the camp ending, I am terrified of what’s to come without them here. They gave me a purpose...provided a distraction.

  When seven o’clock rolls around and those white vans drive off, I’m actually sad to see them go.

  “You did it,” my best friend says with tears in her eyes. “I’m so proud of you, babe.”

  My throat thickens, making it hard for me to swallow. “Thanks,” I whisper, waving to the children as the white vans disappear into the night.

  “I have to get going, Viv. I need to have Sierra back at the Clawsons’ by seven-thirty.” Cassie makes a face and rolls her eyes.

  It’s all so stupid. Those people don’t want Sierra there any more than she wants to be there. “It won’t be like this for long, Cass. In a few weeks, you’ll start classes and then this back and forth will be a distant memory.”

  “She asleep already?”

  “Reid!” I gasp, nearly slipping down the last few steps. “Jesus, you scared me. I didn’t know you were here.”

  He reaches out a hand—an automatic reaction to stop me from falling. “Sorry, Viv.” He laughs guiltily. “I finished cleaning up outside and thought I might be able to catch Tillie before bed. Guess I’m a little late.”

  “Sorry, she was exhausted.” I scoot by him to walk into the living room, and Reid follows closely behind. “You wanna watch a movie or something?”

  “Yeah...a movie sounds good.” I smile, eager to soak up some time with my friend after not seeing him all day. “Grab the remote and find something On-Demand.”

  He walks over to his usual spot: the recliner. Reid grabs the afghan, kicks off his shoes, and gets comfy. It’s going to be so weird not having him here. Lonely.

  “Viv...hey...you all right?” Reid’s voice pulls me from my stupor.

  I swallow past the lump in my throat. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m gonna make us some popcorn. Be right back.” I scurry out of the room to the kitchen, and after I’ve put the popcorn in the microwave, I dig around in my purse. Even though I know that I shouldn’t...I take one of my pills.

  My mouth starts to water as the buttery popcorn smell fills the room. I dig two bowls out of the bottom cabinet then lean against the counter, tapping my fingers, listening to the steady popping. When the microwave finally dings, I dish it out and grab a few sodas from the fridge. I return to the living room and hand Reid his bowl, getting mine situated on the coffee table in front of the couch. I’m already feeling better. I know a lot of it’s psychological. Just knowing that relief is on the way has my body returning to normal.

  “Thanks,” Reid says, still browsing through the movies. “Are you sure you’re okay? I sort of heard what happened with your dad earlier. I didn’t want to bring it up in front of anyone else...but you just seem sort of down. If you want to talk about it...”

  My eyes roll back in my head. “No. Really, Reid, that’s not what’s bothering me at all. I’m completely serious when I say that his disinterest in my life no longer affects me whatsoever. It’s almost comical,” I laugh unconvincingly.

  Reid presses his lips into a flat line, nodding his head. “All right, but there is something bothering you, then?”

  “Just a rough day. I’m fine...You’ll be a great dad someday, Reid. I can tell by the way you were with the camp kids and by how much you love Tillie. That’s so important. If you take nothing else away from this summer, please don’t ever forget how important it is to make your children feel special. Tillie got more in three years from Abbott than I’ve gotten from that asshole in my entire life. I’m so sad that she won’t have more memories with him.”

  “I won’t forget,” he whispers back. “You’ll be enough, Viv.”

  “Huh? Enough for what?”

  “I just wanted to tell you that you’re a great mom...and Tillie’s gonna be okay.”

  How’d he know that I needed to hear those words so badly?

  “Thank you for saying that.”

  “No problem,” he answers, smiling nervously.

  The room grows uncomfortably silent, neither of us knowing what to follow that conversation up with. After a long and awkward pause, I break the silence. “Woo, you better pick something with some action so I don’t fall asleep on you,” I say, yawning and stretching my arms and legs.

  “You sure you don’t wanna just call it a night? If you’re tired...”

  “No,” I say too quickly. “I want to watch a movie.” I sit up to help keep myself awake and cradle my bowl of popcorn in the middle of my legs.

  Reid seems relieved not to have to cut our night short and smiles back at me warmly. “Action it is.”

  He rents some guy movie, and I hardly pay any attention at all. I keep glancing over to watch him. He’s so into it, mumbling and jerking with surprise. It’s true that boys really never grow up. Abbott was the same. Anything with guns or fighting and he was like an eight-year-old kid.

  I try so hard to keep my eyes open, but I keep feeling my head fall back and then jerk myself awake. Finally, I give in and rest my head on the couch. I end up dozing off, and when I peek through my barely opened lids at the television, it’s no longer the same kind of action we were watching before. The room is filled with breathy moans and grunts of passion. On the screen is a tangle of naked, sweaty limbs. I turn my head to the side to avoid watching and find that Reid is no longer watching the screen either. He’s watching me.

  Reid stares at me with hooded eyes. He must think that I’m still asleep, and I don’t tell him any different. I watch his hungry eyes rove up and down my body, and it causes my pulse to race. It’s a look my body recognizes and responds to. One that makes me tingle in places it shouldn’t. It makes me feel alive and desired, and it makes me feel guilty as well. If I didn’t know better...if I didn’t realize that this was all in my head...I’d swear that Reid just made love to me with Abbott’s eyes.

  Reid

  A tap, tap, tapping sound rouses me from a dead sleep. I grab the ends of my pillow and pull them up over my ears, squeezing them tightly to my head in an attempt to drown out the annoying sound. The goddamn wind must be blowing something up against the pool house, and I have no desire to go outside and check it out in this weather. The room flickers bright yellow with a flash of lightning, which is almost instantly followed by a loud, resounding boom. The rumbling of the thunder causes the metal frame of my bed to rattle, so I squeeze the pillow even tighter, letting out a frustrated sigh when it seems to do no good. Finally, there’s a moment of silence. I toss and turn, trying to find a comfortable position. Just when I think that I might finally get a little sleep, I hear a faint cry coming through the window. There’s a very good chance that it’s only a stray cat, but I don’t want to take any chances with Tillie next door. With that thought, I jump right out of bed, taking only a moment to slip into the basketball shorts from the floor, and rus
h over to the front door. Through the peephole, I can barely make out the top of Tillie’s little, blonde head.

  What’s she doing out of the house at this time of night? Instantly, I begin to panic because I can think of no good reason for Tillie to be standing outside of my door in the pouring rain, especially in the middle of the night. My hands shake as I fumble with the locks and yank the door open.

  I’m greeted by a frantic little girl. The rain and thunder are so loud that I can barely make out what she’s saying, but I hear the words “blood” and “mommy”, and I begin moving on autopilot. Lifting Tillie into my arms, I run over to the main house and up to Vivienne’s room.

  I find her curled into a ball in the middle of her bed, whimpering in pain. There’s blood covering the sheets and her shorts. I blanch at the sight as I set Tillie down on the chair next to the door. I tell her not to worry, and that Mommy will be okay, but what the hell do I know? I feel like I’m borrowing someone else’s body, walking through someone else’s life, because this cannot be happening to me.

  “Vivienne?” I walk over to the bed, unsure of what it is that I’m supposed to do. How the hell do I keep finding myself in these situations? I reach out a trembling hand and place it gently on her back. Vivienne flinches, cowering away from my touch. “What happened? Are you okay, Viv? Do you...do you need a doctor?”

  “Reid?” Her voice is pained but laced in relief.

  “Yeah, Viv. It’s me. I’m here.” I reach out a tentative hand, running the backs of my knuckles gently down the side of her tear-soaked face.

  “Ow! Oh my God...Oh God, it hurts...” Vivienne cries out in pure agony. She clutches at her stomach, releasing a deep, guttural moan. Even in the darkness, I can see the red stain on the bed growing larger.

  “Talk to me, Viv. What happened? Is it your period?”