The Robert Sheckley Megapack

by Robert Sheckley

  “Did you sell it?”

  “Of course not. At that time I didn’t realize that the patent office was closed permanently except for the games section.”

  “Were you angry about that?”

  “A little angry at the time. But I soon realized that the models we have are plenty good enough. There’s no need for more efficient or more ingenious inventions. Folks today are satisfied with what they’ve got. Besides, new inventions would be of no service to mankind. Earth’s birth and death rate are stable, and there’s enough for everyone. To produce a new invention, you’d have to retool an entire factory. That would be almost impossible, since all the factories today are automatic and self-repairing. That’s why there’s a moratorium on invention, except in the novelty game field.”

  “How do you feel about it?”

  “What’s there to feel? That’s how things are.”

  “Would you like to have things different?”

  “Maybe. But being an inventor, I’m classified as a potentially unstable character anyhow.”

  * * * *

  (Citizen Barn Threnten, age 41, occupation atomics engineer specializing in spacecraft design. A nervous, intelligent-looking man with sad brown eyes.)

  “You want to know what I do in my job? I’m sorry you asked that, Citizen, because I don’t do a thing except walk around the factory. Union rules require one stand-by human for every robot or robotized operation. That’s what I do. I just stand by.”

  “You sound dissatisfied, Citizen Threnten.”

  “I am. I wanted to be an atomics engineer. I trained for it. Then when I graduated, I found out my knowledge was fifty years out of date. Even if I learned what was going on now, I’d have no place to use it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because everything in atomics is automatized. I don’t know if the majority of the population knows that, but it’s true. From raw material to finished product, it’s all completely automatic. The only human participation in the program is quantity-control in terms of population indexes. And even that is minimal.”

  “What happens if a part of an automatic factory breaks down?”

  “It gets fixed by robot repair units.”

  “And if they break down?”

  “The damned things are self-repairing. All I can do is stand by and watch, and fill out a report. Which is a ridiculous position for a man who considers himself an engineer.”

  “Why don’t you turn to some other field?”

  “No use. I’ve checked, and the rest of the engineers are in the same position I’m in, watching automatic processes which they don’t understand. Name your field: food processing, automobile manufacture, construction, biochem., it’s all the same. Either stand-by engineers or no engineers at all.”

  “This is true for spaceflight also?”

  “Sure. No member of the spacepilot’s union has been off Earth for close to fifty years. They wouldn’t know how to operate a ship.”

  “I see. All the ships are set for automatic.”

  “Exactly. Permanently and irrevocably automatic.”

  “What would happen if these ships ran into an unprecedented situation?”

  “That’s hard to say. The ships can’t think, you know; they simply follow pre-set programs. If the ships ran into a situation for which they were not programmed, they’d be paralyzed, at least temporarily. I think they have an optimum-choice selector which is supposed to take over unstructured situations; but it’s never been tried out. At best, it would react sluggishly. At worst, it wouldn’t work at all. And that would be fine by me.”

  “Do you really mean that?”

  “I certainly do. I’m sick of standing around watching a machine do the same thing day after day. Most of the professional men I know feel the same way. We want to do something. Anything. Did you know that a hundred years ago human-piloted starships were exploring the planets of other solar systems?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, that’s what we should be doing now. Moving outward, exploring, advancing. That’s what we need.”

  “I agree. But don’t you think you’re saying rather dangerous things?”

  “I know I am. But frankly, I just don’t care any longer. Let them ship me to Omega if they want to. I’m doing no good here.”

  “Then you’ve heard about Omega?”

  “Anyone connected with starships knows about Omega. Round trips between Omega and Earth, that’s all our ships do. It’s a terrible world. Personally, I put the blame on the clergy.”

  “The clergy?”

  “Absolutely. Those sanctimonious fools with their endless drivel about the Church of the Spirit of Mankind Incarnate. It’s enough to make a man wish for a little evil.…”

  * * * *

  (Citizen Father Boeren, age 51, occupation clergyman. A stately, plum-shaped man wearing a saffron robe and white sandals.)

  “That’s right, my son, I am the abbot of the local branch of the Church of the Spirit of Mankind Incarnate. Our church is the official and exclusive religious expression of the government of Earth. Our religion speaks for all the peoples of Earth. It is a composite of the best elements of all the former religions, both major and minor, skillfully blended into a single all-embracing faith.”

  “Citizen Abbot, aren’t there bound to be contradictions in doctrine among the various religions which make up your faith?”

  “There were. But the forgers of our present Church threw out all controversial matter. We wanted agreement, not dissension. We preserve only certain colorful facets of those early great religions; facets with which people can identify. There have never been any schisms in our religion, because we are all-acceptant. One may believe anything one wishes, as long as it preserves the holy spirit of Mankind Incarnate. For our worship, you see, is the true worship of Man. And the spirit we recognize is the spirit of the divine and holy Good.”

  “Would you define Good for me, Citizen Abbot?”

  “Certainly. Good is that force within us which inspires men to acts of conformity and subservience. The worship of Good is essentially the worship of oneself, and therefore the only true worship. The self which one worships is the ideal social being: the man content in his niche in society, yet ready to creatively advance his status. Good is gentle, since it is a true reflection of the loving and pitying universe. Good is continually changing in its aspects, although it comes to us in the… You have a strange look on your face, young man.”

  “I’m sorry, Citizen Abbot. I believe I heard that sermon, or one very much like it.”

  “It is true wherever one hears it.”

  “Of course. One more question, sir. Could you tell me about the religious instruction of children?”

  “That duty is performed for us by the robot-confessors.”

  “Yes?”

  “The notion came to us from the ancient root-faith of Transcendental Freudianism. The robot-confessor instructs children and adults alike. It hears their problems within the social matrix. It is their constant friend, their social mentor, their religious instructor. Being robotic, the confessors are able to give exact and unvarying answers to any question. This aids the great work of Conformity.”

  “I can see that it does. What do the human priests do?”

  “They watch over the robot-confessors.”

  “Are these robot-confessors present in the closed classrooms?”

  “I am not competent to answer that.”

  “They are, aren’t they?”

  “I truly do not know. The closed classrooms are closed to abbots as well as other adults.”

  “By whose order?”

  “By order of the Chief of the Secret Police.”

  “I see.… Thank you, Citizen Abbot Boeren.”

  * * * *

  (Citizen Enyen Dravivian, age 43, occupation government employee. A narrow-faced, slit-eyed man, old and tired beyond his years.)

  “Good afternoon, sir. You say that you are employed by the government?”
>
  “Correct.”

  “Is that the state or the federal government?”

  “Both.”

  “I see. And have you been in this employ for very long?”

  “Approximately eighteen years.”

  “Yes, sir. Would you mind telling me what, specifically, your job is?”

  “Not at all. I am the Chief of the Secret Police.”

  “You are—I see, sir. That’s very interesting. I—”

  “Don’t reach for your needlebeam, ex-Citizen Barrent. I can assure you, it won’t operate in the blanketed area around this house. And if you draw it, you’ll be hurt.”

  “How?”

  “I have my own means of protection.”

  “How did you know my name?”

  “I’ve known about you almost since you set foot upon Earth. We are not entirely without resources you know. But we can discuss all that inside. Won’t you come in?”

  “I think I’d rather not.”

  “I’m afraid you have to. Come, Barrent, I won’t bite you.”

  “Am I under arrest?”

  “Of course not. We’re simply going to have a little talk. That’s right, sir, right through there. Just make yourself comfortable.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Dravivian led him into a large room paneled in walnut. The furniture was of a heavy, black wood, intricately carved and varnished. The desk, high and straight, seemed to be an antique. A heavy tapestry covered one entire wall. It depicted, in fading colors, a medieval hunting scene.

  “Do you like it?” Dravivian asked. “My family did the furnishing. My wife copied the tapestry from an original in the Metropolitan Museum. My two sons collaborated on the furniture. They wanted something ancient and Spanish in feeling, but with more comfort than antiques usually give. A slight modification of the lines accomplished that. My own contributions are not visible. Music of the baroque period is my specialty.”

  “Aside from policework,” Barrent said.

  “Yes, aside from that.” Dravivian turned away from Barrent and looked thoughtfully at the tapestry. “We will come to the matter of the police in due course. Tell me first, what do you think of this room?”

  “It’s very beautiful,” Barrent said.

  “Yes. And?”

  “Well—I’m no judge.”

  “You must judge,” Dravivian said. “In this room you can see Earth’s civilization in miniature. Tell me what you think of it.”

  “It feels lifeless,” Barrent said.

  Dravivian turned to Barrent and smiled. “Yes, that’s a good word for it. Self-involved might perhaps be better. This is a high-status room, Barrent. A great deal of creativity has gone into the artistic improvement of ancient archetypes. My family has re-created a bit of the Spanish past, as others have re-created bits of the Mayan, Early American, or Oceanic past. And yet, the essential hollowness is obvious. Our automatized factories produce the same goods for us year in and year out. Since everyone has these same goods, it is necessary for us to change the factory product, to improve and embroider it, to express ourselves through it, to rank ourselves by it. That’s how Earth is, Barrent. Our energy and skills are channeled into essentially decadent pursuits. We re-carve old furniture, worry about rank and status, and in the meantime the frontier of the distant planets remains unexplored and unconquered. We ceased long ago to expand. Stability brought the danger of stagnation, to which we succumbed. We became so highly socialized that individuality had to be diverted to the most harmless of pursuits, turned inward, kept from any meaningful expression. I think you have seen a fair amount of that in your time on Earth?”

  “I have. But I never expected to hear the Chief of the Secret Police say it.”

  “I’m an unusual man,” Dravivian said, with a mocking smile. “And the Secret Police is an unusual institution.”

  “It must be very efficient. How did you find out about me?”

  “That was really quite simple. Most of the people of Earth are security-conditioned from childhood. It’s part of our heritage, you know. Nearly all the people you met were able to tell that there was something very wrong about you. You were as obviously out of place as a wolf among sheep. People noticed, and reported directly to me.”

  “All right,” Barrent said. “Now what?”

  “First I would like you to tell me about Omega.”

  Barrent told the Police Chief about his life on the prison planet. Dravivian nodded, a faint smile on his lips.

  “Yes, it’s very much as I expected,” he said. “The same sort of thing has happened on Omega as happened in early America and Australia. There are differences, of course; you have been shut off more completely from the mother country. But the same fierce energy and drive is there, and the same ruthlessness.”

  “What are you going to do?” Barrent asked.

  Dravivian shrugged his shoulders. “It really doesn’t matter. I suppose I could kill you. But that wouldn’t stop your group on Omega from sending out other spies, or from seizing one of the prison ships. As soon as the Omegans begin to move in force, they’ll discover the truth anyhow.”

  “What truth?”

  “By now it must be obvious to you,” Dravivian said. “Earth hasn’t fought a war for nearly eight hundred years. We wouldn’t know how. The organization of guardships around Omega is pure façade. The ships are completely automatized, built to meet conditions of several hundreds years ago. A determined attack will capture a ship; and when you have one, the rest will fall. After that, there’s nothing to stop the Omegans from coming back to Earth; and there’s nothing on Earth to fight them with. This, you must realize, is the reason why all prisoners leaving Earth are divorced from their memories. If they remembered, Earth’s vulnerability would be painfully apparent.”

  “If you knew all this,” Barrent asked, “why didn’t your leaders do something about it?”

  “That was our original intention. But there was no real drive behind the intention. We preferred not to think about it. We assumed the status quo would remain indefinitely. We didn’t want to think about the day when the Omegans returned to Earth.”

  “What are you and your police going to do about it?” Barrent asked.

  “I am façade, too,” Dravivian told him. “I have no police. The position of Chief is entirely honorary. There has been no need of a police force on Earth for close to a century.”

  “You’re going to need one when the Omegans come home,” Barrent said.

  “Yes. There’s going to be crime again, and serious trouble. But I think the final amalgamation will be successful. You on Omega have the drive, the ambition to reach the stars. I believe you need a certain stability and creativeness which Earth can provide. Whatever the results, the union is inevitable. We’ve lived in a dream here for too long. It’s going to take violent measures to awaken us.”

  Dravivian rose to his feet. “And now,” he said, “since the fate of Earth and Omega seem to be decided, could I offer you some refreshment?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  With the help of the Chief of Police, Barrent put a message aboard the next ship to leave for Omega. The message told about conditions on Earth and urged immediate action. When that was finished, Barrent was ready for his final job—to find the judge who had sentenced him for a crime he hadn’t committed, and the lying informer who had turned him in to the judge. When he found those two, Barrent knew he would regain the missing portions of his memory.

  He took the night expressway to Youngerstun. His suspicions, sharply keyed from life on Omega, would not let him rest. There had to be a catch to all this splendid simplicity. Perhaps he would find it in Youngerstun.

  By early morning he was there. Superficially, the neat rows of houses looked the same as in any other town. But for Barrent they were different, and achingly familiar. He remembered this town, and the monotonous houses had individuality and meaning for him. He had been born and raised in this town.

  There was Grothmeir’s
store, and across the street was the home of Havening, the local interior decorating champion. Here was Billy Havelock’s house. Billy had been his best friend. They had planned on being starmen together, and had remained good friends after school—until Barrent had been sentenced to Omega.

  Here was Andrew Therkaler’s house. And down the block was the school he had attended. He could remember the classes. He could remember how, every day, they had gone through the door that led to the closed class. But he still could not remember what he had learned there.

  Right here, near two huge elms, the murder had taken place. Barrent walked to the spot and remembered how it had happened. He had been on his way home. From somewhere down the street he had heard a scream. He had turned, and a man—Illiardi—had run down the street and thrown something at him. Barrent had caught it instinctively and found himself holding an illegal handgun. A few steps further, he had looked into the twisted dead face of Andrew Therkaler.

  And what had happened next? Confusion. Panic. A sensation of someone watching as he stood, weapon in hand, over the corpse. There, at the end of the street, was the refuge to which he had gone.

  He walked up to it, and recognized it as a robot-confessional booth.

  Barrent entered the booth. It was small, and there was a faint odor of incense in the air. The room contained a single chair. Facing it was a complex, brilliantly lighted panel.

  “Good morning, Will,” the panel said to him.

  Barrent had a sudden sense of helplessness when he heard that soft mechanical voice. He remembered it now. The passionless voice knew all, understood all, and forgave nothing. That artfully manufactured voice had spoken to him, had listened, and then had judged. In his dream, he had personified the robot-confessor into the figure of a human judge.

  “You remember me?” Barrent asked.

  “Of course,” said the robot-confessor. “You were one of my parishioners before you went to Omega.”

  “You sent me there.”

  “For the crime of murder.”

  “But I didn’t commit the crime!” Barrent said. “I didn’t do it, and you must have known it!”