The Clothes Make the Girl (Look Fat)?

by Brittany Gibbons

  DEDICATION

  This book is dedicated to my daughter, who changes her clothes every half hour. Never stop trying things on, Gigi. I love you from your toes to the top of your laundry pile.

  CONTENTS

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  DEDICATION

  PROLOGUE

  INTRODUCTION

  CHAPTER 1: THEY FOUND MY BODY IN A GAP FITTING ROOM

  CHAPTER 2: I BLAME CHER HOROWITZ FOR EVERYTHING

  CHAPTER 3: THE WORD YOU’RE LOOKING FOR IS “FAT”

  CHAPTER 4: WE CALLED HER THE BEAST

  CHAPTER 5: IF THESE SPANX COULD TALK

  CHAPTER 6: I’M GETTING MARRIED; SUCK IT, JULIA ROBERTS

  CHAPTER 7: BRITTANY WITH THE GOOD HAIR

  YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO HATE YOURSELF

  CHAPTER 8: ON THIS EPISODE OF JEANS HOARDERS

  CHAPTER 9: FAT AND PREGNANT

  CHAPTER 10: I DRESS LIKE A MOM NOW, APPARENTLY

  CHAPTER 11: I WOULD LIKE TO DEDICATE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR MY THIGHS

  CHAPTER 12: EVERYTHING I WANT TO SAY TO MY DAUGHTER

  CHAPTER 13: I’M NOT SORRY

  CHAPTER 14: THANK-YOU NOTES

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  COPYRIGHT

  ABOUT THE PUBLISHER

  PROLOGUE

  There is a certain level of hypocrisy in writing this fashion memoir while I’m sitting at my desk dressed like Winnie-the-Pooh.

  You know, naked from the waist down while wearing a crop top.

  But the truth is, even Anna Wintour isn’t dressed like Anna Wintour all the time. On her days off from Vogue, she’s probably feet up in a La-Z-Boy wearing leggings as pants and the free sweatshirt she got for signing up for a Capital One card in college.

  I’m still paying off that card, too, Anna. I see you.

  Now, before we get too far into things, I realize that some of you may be holding this book in your hands with absolutely no idea who I am. Maybe you bought it because the cover was cute, or someone left it in the bathroom of a bar, or your one passive-aggressive aunt thinks it’s a weight-loss book and gave it to you with well-intentioned concern about your health. However you got it, hello. My name is Brittany Gibbons. My first memoir, Fat Girl Walking, is a New York Times best seller, and I became famous for being a fat woman who takes her clothes off to make others feel less bad about their bodies.

  I started blogging in 2007, which is something frustrated writers do while they are waiting to publish their first novel.

  “She’s just writing on the Internet until she finishes her book,” my mom assured everyone in the grocery store each week.

  I began and failed as a food blogger, and then went on to build a half-million-per-month readership on my website, Brittany Herself, by chronicling my painfully honest body-acceptance journey. What started as something I did in front of a computer screen in my bedroom at 3 A.M. with a baby on my breast and another in the crib beside me, something born out of loneliness and insomnia and self-hate, has turned into a decade-long career often out of reach for someone living in a small town in Ohio. What follows is the weirdest résumé, ever.

  SPOKESMODEL

  The first time a major fashion brand reached out to me, it was done with a one-line cold-call e-mail in my in-box.

  I work with a major fashion brand who’d love to speak to you; I’d love to connect you!

  I was writing with an amazing group of women at the time on an online e-zine called Curvy Girl Guide, a website I’d thought of while brushing my teeth and wondering what my thick legs would look like in tall leather boots and feeling frustrated I couldn’t find any pictures of women like me online. I answered that e-mail, which very much could have been some sort of Nigerian lottery scam, and was connected with my first real fashion brand, Lands’ End. After creating two amazing swimsuit confidence campaigns with them through Curvy Girl Guide, I was signed to a solo fashion campaign to help them relaunch their plus-size line. It was through them that I cut my fashion teeth. I’ve gone on to work with many other fashion brands, some completely new to the plus-size space, and others that have been doing plus for a while, and are just finally ready to say the word out loud. I curate collections, I advise on seasonal lines, and I work as a spokesmodel, often appearing in catalogs and in online marketing.

  I’ve made a conscious effort to work only with brands that I would not only wear, myself, but that were actually affordable and accessible to real, everyday women. Women who, like me, didn’t invent Facebook and often financially put themselves last. I want to make that prioritization an easier step, and working with clothing brands that are within budget helps me convince you to do just that.

  MAKEOVER QUEEN

  I’ve spent a huge amount of time watching fashion makeover shows on television. What Not to Wear, How Do I Look?, A Makeover Story, Ten Years Younger, Extreme Makeover, The Swan, Revenge Body . . . you get the picture. What all of the shows have in common is that they come with a healthy dose of shame. Ten Years Younger used to put the subjects in a clear booth and make strangers on the street guess their age, and How Do I Look? would gather all of your friends and let them trash your wardrobe in front of you. I’ve sat Andy down on the couch, crouched down to his level, and told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever took me on one of those shows and they tried to take away my gray sweatpants with the hole in the crotch, I would burn the studio down and divorce him so hard he’d have to join a monastery to find purpose again.

  What Not to Wear was actually pretty fantastic in that Stacey and Clinton were not only insanely knowledgeable about fit and fashion, they were also extremely compassionate. However, can I just say, thank God I was never on that show because that secret footage they take of you before you know you’re getting a makeover would just be endless blurry black-and-white Big Foot–like film of me singing Hall & Oates in my car or stopping at every sample table at Costco on a Saturday.

  Shame aside, one of the bigger issues of these shows was that when it came to plus-size bodies, nobody really knew what to do with them, so instead they focused on ways to teach them to minimize themselves enough that they could wear the largest size they could find in a store, and hope for the best.

  First, most fat women don’t get the luxury of shopping in a real store, all our shit has to be ordered online, a Jesus candle lit when it ships, and then tried on in an empty dark bedroom with the air conditioner blasting to fifty degrees. We all know this. Second, you’re assuming any of us know how to dress ourselves, and some switch is magically going to flip back on inside us like, duh, I guess I do like belts to hit at my natural waist.

  People, no. We don’t have a style because we’ve never really had the option to develop a style. We’ve developed coping mechanisms . . . there’s a difference. Plus-size women are just now learning what straight-size women figured out in high school. We never got to be the princess, we never got to be the cheerleader, we never even got to be the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. We simply didn’t have access to the supplies.

  We have spent decades being ignored by the fashion industry, so I now spend a lot of time helping women figure out how to make plus-size clothing work for them, and I do it by surprising them with head-to-toe makeovers. We spend the day together, I help them discover their style, I come armed with piles of clothes sent from amazing plus-size brands that support me, and it’s truly the most empowering thing I do. Like, Tammy-Faye-Bakker-mascara-running-down-my-face empowering.

  CHUBBY MEDIA DARLING

  As a rule, I don’t watch myself on television. I might love my body and be really, really proud of the work that I do, but I’m still a w
oman and I know my triggers. Watching my interviews and appearances would negate all the good feelings I had about the experience, and instead I’d focus on some sort of physical flaw or weird thing my hair was doing.

  So I choose to abstain, but I do love getting my work out there, whether it be in glossy magazines or on talk shows. I am brought on to speak out about body shaming and the bullying of both teens and adults, as well as to offer fun plus-size fashion insight. Seeing these segments become more regular, and seeing them not treat body love and the struggle to achieve it like a trend is huge, but it wasn’t always that easy to get people to pay attention.

  I’ve resorted to some pretty provocative means to get my message across. I’ve stripped onstage during a TED Talk. I have stood in Times Square in my bathing suit, twice. I’ve walked around a bookstore in New York in a pair of see-through panties. There are literally more pictures of me on the Internet without clothes than with. And I faintly remember that long ago there was a woman who existed in a three-bedroom house in Delta, Ohio, who cried every night over her three sleeping babies because she wasn’t sure she deserved them, or that they’d ever want to be seen with her in public when she could barely stand catching her own reflection in the glass door of the supermarket. But I don’t know that woman anymore.

  ADULT SUMMER CAMP OWNER

  (NO, FOR REAL)

  You know what’s hard? Making friends as an adult. Everyone always talks about how hard it is for kids to make friends, but they never consider how miserable the experience is for grown-ups. With the exception of two lifelong friends, I don’t really keep in touch with the people I went to high school with, even though I’m living in my hometown. Connections in college never quite took. That leaves coworkers and the adults you’re put into contact with because of your kids. Sometimes that totally works out, but other times it doesn’t.

  There are very few things as painful as trying to make a one-way adult friendship happen, believe me.

  Five years ago I put that need for camaraderie, all the knowledge I’d picked up working at a summer camp after college, as well as growing up watching marathons of Meatballs, Indian Summer, Camp Nowhere, and Wet, Hot American Summer, and I created Camp Throwback. Camp Throwback is a weeklong nostalgic summer camp for adults. It has all the fun of adolescence, like friendship bracelets, field day, slip ’n’ slides, and parties, but with all the perks of adulthood, like booze. It’s also a really chill place where adults can go to fit in, meet cool people, and give absolutely no fucks walking around the pool in a bathing suit. I get to run this camp with a clipboard, megaphone, and knee-high tube socks every summer.

  Andy calls it my “precommune.” And he’s not wrong. I told him when he married me that if I was ever presented with a chance to live in a commune, I would take it. And I don’t mean the off-the-grid religion- or politics-based communes. Mass suicide is not a good look on me.

  I just want to live in the middle of nowhere on a big plot of land with a group of like-minded individuals so that we can grow some food, French-braid each other’s hair, raise our kids together like a village, and have our cycles align so we can all eat carbs and drink wine together on the couch watching Orange Is the New Black. The whole group-sex aspect would be entirely optional. Oh, and we’d probably have some chickens or whatever.

  DIGITAL SORORITY HOUSE MOTHER

  Curvy Girl Guide began as an online magazine in 2010, with a staff of over twenty writers, headed by myself and my friend Heather Spohr. As the online climate evolved, and editors and writers came and went, running it in its then-current form became ineffective. As in, we weren’t as effective as we needed to be, and became just another place for curated magazine content trying to keep up with other curated and regurgitated online magazine content. The race for shares and clicks and platform was exhausting. The nail in the coffin of the magazine came when I was sued by a huge photo service because a writer used a picture of Bryce Dallas Howard, a new mom out with her new baby, in an article railing against the shaming of postpartum bodies. We hadn’t paid for the photo they didn’t have permission to take. I paid the fines and soon after closed the magazine chapter of Curvy Girl, and looked around the Internet for ways to make real, actual change in the relationships women were having with themselves.

  I relaunched Curvy Girl Guide as a digital community in 2013. What began as a few hundred women sharing their lives has blossomed into thousands of women from around the globe. Our sisters host local meet-ups, provide 24/7 support, and are made up of every size of the body spectrum. Body image is a women’s issue, not just a fat women’s issue.

  TOTALLY NORMAL PERSON

  Lastly, there’s my personal life. I am married to Andy, my high school sweetheart, and we have three children: Jude (eleven), Wyatt (ten), and Gigi (eight). And for a long time, I thought that’s all there would be for me. I would graduate high school, maybe college, and get married, have kids, and lose myself to that life.

  Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Being a mom and wife are two strong-ass things that strong-ass women do every day. It’s just that I thought I’d be able to hide behind it, to make sure the best parts of me were other people.

  Don’t pay attention to the insecure woman behind the curtain. Here, look at these kids with cute clothes and trendy haircuts, instead!

  Girls like me, from small farm towns in the Midwest . . . we don’t grow up to have these sorts of careers. In fact, on my first real job interview after college, I was asked by the HR director where I saw myself in five years.

  “Hopefully staying home with my four kids and living near my parents.”

  I cringe thinking about that. I mean, who tells the person you want to hire you that your goal is to be unemployed?

  I never saw this life for me.

  I never saw this life for me.

  I never saw this life for me, but here we are.

  I am a blogger-turned-women’s-advocate who writes really graphically about sex, love, food, and my body, and I have an unchecked addiction to helping real women feel good in their skin and the clothes they put on it. And by real women, I mean two things:

  1. Humans who identify as women.

  2. Women who have to shop on a real budget while also facing real-life obstacles, like work, kids, college, heartbreak, and the general ups and downs of life.

  Real women, for the record, are not defined by their curves, thigh gaps, or chest size. Those are just things generally used to make us feel bad about ourselves and have nothing to do with our label or worth as women. It can be confusing, I know. Now back to real woman problems.

  Carving out “you time” when you are working sixty hours a week, or swimming in children, or under school deadlines, or suffering from anxiety or depression isn’t a reality for many women. It’s no wonder we feel terrible about ourselves . . . who has time for self-care when life is kicking our ass?

  I am hyperaware that getting free clothes sent to me and then showing them off on Instagram isn’t going to help anyone feel better about themselves, per se. It’s like watching a lifeboat of plus-size models in Chanel row by while I’m clinging to a piece of wood in an ill-fitting romper from Forever 21. Fifty percent inspiring and 50 percent utterly useless.

  What good is clothing inspiration if you can’t afford it and don’t feel like you are worth dressing or spending money on?

  It’s important to me to show you how to make things work in a way that is attainable, affordable, and practical to the life of the average woman, a woman, in my opinion, who needs to learn how to be a whole lot kinder to herself. Because that is what I am, an average woman who buys her shoes at Target, only recently started spending more on bras than on wine, and is meanest to herself.

  If it feels like a struggle, that is because it absolutely is. Oh my gosh, this book already sounds like such a downer . . . stay with me. My first book was a humorous memoir chronicling my life as a fat girl, from my childhood to the present. It was candid and painful and funny and ob
scene—all my best adjectives, really. While the book was met with a huge amount of praise, the negative reviews I received came from a point of view I didn’t expect.

  You see, some people were upset that my book wasn’t a how-to manual for learning to like yourself, and they were even more upset, by the end of it, to learn that I actually didn’t always like myself.

  Women, we cannot always bullet-point our way into self-love.

  I am not sure where we fell into this creepy comfortability with digesting self-help books as a guaranteed way to solve our problems, but if you pick up a book that promises to have you loving yourself 100 percent of the time by the end of it, set it down and light your money on fire. Or give it to orphans, whatever, just let it do something positive in this world instead of having it go toward a complete and utter scam.

  Because that is what the promise of constant high self-esteem is: a scam.

  Now, what I can promise you in this book is an honest account of the things that totally worked for me, the things that I failed miserably at, and the swear-to-God truth that some days I still hate my body. Of course those days are still there; the days when I sob in my closet, and hate all my clothes, and eat because it feels really fucking good to eat. The good news, though, is that those days are fewer and fewer, and when I do have them, it’s not a complete system shutdown anymore. It’s just a normal part of being a woman, and it’s important that you know that. Everybody has those days. Beyoncé has those days.

  So how do beauty and fashion fit into all of this? Well, on the surface, it seems pretty frivolous and superficial; like I’m just here feeding into society’s beauty standards. First of all, don’t let anyone ever make you feel bad for liking clothes and doing your hair and wearing makeup. You are allowed to enjoy yourself in this life, so you do you. Second, a great amount of self-confidence and strength can come from fashion.

  If an amazing dress is the motivation that moves you from lying in bed to leaving the house for a night out with friends, you find that dress and you go live.