Silent

by Sara Alva

  The knocks grew less gentle. “Alex? Your social worker called. She said you might be interested in heading up to Hill View to have lunch with your friend?”

  I sprang out of the bed like I was on fire, startling Carlos into a duck-and-crouch move that left him in a little ball under the desk.

  “Yes! Oof.” I tripped over my shoes in the mad dash across the room. “Yeah, I do!”

  I crashed into the wall and flung open the door at the same time, just as Jessica took a step back. “Oh, well, there’s a shuttle leaving in a few minutes for afternoon activities. I just wanted to let you know.”

  “Yeah. Thanks. I’ll be ready.”

  Running around—like a headless chicken—I threw on the first clothing I reached. Carlos crawled out from his hiding place, too busy eyeing me like the insane person I was to be embarrassed I’d scared him.

  “Where does that shuttle thing pick people up?” I asked breathlessly, stopping for only a second to run my hand through my bed-hair.

  He pointed down the hallway toward the front of the house. “Um, on the corner. To the left.”

  “Thanks, man!” Giddy and hyper-charged, I clapped him on the back a little too hard and raced out of the house.

  The shuttle took me back to those grass-covered hills and dropped me off near the front building of the facility. I was a little reluctant to show my face in there again, but not enough to slow my frantic footsteps.

  Nothing could keep me from Seb.

  I signed in and received a special badge, since my group home was part of the “Hill View Family,” then sprinted across the field toward the dream of being in Seb’s arms. I pulled up short outside his bedroom, though, when I saw a woman crouching in front of him and speaking in a low, singsong tone.

  “Sebastian, we’d really love for you to join us in the dining room for lunch today. All your friends are waiting for you there. And your roommate Harold…won’t it be nice to eat lunch with him? Come on, sweetie. Come along now. That’s it.”

  She stretched out an arm to take his hand.

  “Quit it.” I stormed into the room and pushed her arm out of the way. “Quit talking to him like he’s a retard.”

  Besides, I was the only one who should be getting to hold his hand.

  Seb’s face lit up, and he smiled. A small, tight-lipped smile that was mostly in his eyes—but it was enough to quiet my fears.

  He was still there.

  I squeezed him in a hug. “Hope you didn’t miss me too much.”

  The woman cleared her throat. “You must be Alex.”

  Reluctant to draw away from Seb, I only half-turned to her. She had an ID clipped to her pants, displaying a miniature replica of the syrupy smile and bobbed haircut she wore now. Pam Garcia, the tag read.

  “Pam.” I gave her a brief nod.

  “Alex, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t use the word ‘retard’. There are many special needs kids here, and all of them deserve respect.”

  I floundered for a response. “I…I wasn’t trying to…I mean, what I was saying is that Seb’s not…” I eventually ground to a halt, deciding to cut my losses. Besides, she had a point. I was sure Seb had heard the word often enough in his lifetime. No need for me to add to the count. “Sorry. I just meant that…you shouldn’t baby him like that. Right, Seb?” I elbowed him for support.

  He blinked.

  Shit.

  “C’mon, Seb.”

  He blinked a few more times and lowered his eyes, that same light smile on his lips.

  Who did he think he was fooling? I wanted to shake him. He hadn’t gone completely blank, but he obviously wasn’t ready to do much communicating. Didn’t he know the genie couldn’t be put back in the bottle? We all knew he was in there now. And I for one would never stop trying to get him to come out.

  “He’s nervous,” I mumbled to Pam. “Could we maybe have a minute alone?”

  “I don’t think—” she began, then pursed her lips as she reconsidered. “Well, hold on a second. I actually do need to grab something.”

  She ran over to the window and propped it open so she could yell to a man who was kicking a soccer ball around with some younger kids. “Hey, Robert, come here for a minute?”

  The Robert guy jogged over, and she leaned out the windowsill to whisper something in his ear. Then he went back to his soccer practice, though he kept one eye trained on Seb’s bedroom.

  Great. A fucking babysitter.

  Pam left with a stern look in my direction that seemed to say, I hope you’ll be good. Obviously, Suzie had filled her in about Seb and me.

  I sighed and scooted closer to him, wishing his bed wasn’t so visible from the window. “Hey, you all right? Everyone treat you okay before I got here? Sorry it took me a bit. I had to do a lot of explaining…and apologizing, y’know…to Eleanor and Greg, and I had to talk to this therapist lady…but Suzie really stuck up for me. So I’m not really in any serious trouble, and I’m getting to stay at that group home down the hill a little ways, and we’ll be able to—”

  A shout from outside interrupted us. One of the little kids had tripped and skinned her knee, and Robert rushed to provide aid.

  Within a second, Seb was hovering over me, straddling my lap with a playful smirk on his face.

  “Ugh.” I flopped back on the bed as his hand began grazing my thigh. “Why don’t you tell that lady the whole keep-it-in-your-pants look should be for you more than for me.”

  He swooped down and pecked my lips.

  “I dunno how long that guy out there is gonna be distracted.”

  He kissed me again, forcing his tongue into my mouth.

  “Besides…we should, um, talk or something…about…about you…and…”

  It was hard to get my thoughts out through the persistent kisses.

  “…and how come you didn’t…you know…”

  Seb kissed me one last time, hard, and then jumped off. I knew without asking that Pam was back.

  “Now, let’s see if we can’t open the lines of communication a bit better!” she announced, striding into the room and triumphantly displaying a small white board and marker. “Here you are, Seb.” She placed it in his hands. “What do you say, should we go get lunch at the dining hall? Maybe you could write a happy face for yes? We can work out a system.”

  She leaned over and stared, chewing on the corner of her lip, but Seb made no move to write anything.

  “He’s not a trained monkey about to perform a trick,” I put in after a few moments. “Jesus. Why don’t you give him some space?”

  Pam narrowed her eyes on me. “Alex, your social worker suggested you might be able to help during this process, not hinder it.”

  “What? I didn’t…I’m not—” I began, before again giving up. This lady obviously didn’t like me, and I doubted there’d be much I could say to change her mind. “Look, could I maybe take him down to see my place? So he knows I’m nearby? It might make him more comfortable.”

  That wasn’t my real motive, of course. With any luck, Carlos would’ve found a more exciting place to spend a Saturday, and I’d have the room to myself.

  “That resident counselor lady will be there.” I pressed on. “Jessica, right? So, uh…you know. All supervised and stuff.”

  Pam rested her hands on her hips. “I suppose that might be a good idea.”

  “Great!” I leapt up, pulling Seb by his shirtsleeve.

  “Yes, it’ll be a nice walk. I could use the fresh air,” Pam responded cheerily.

  If she didn’t like me, I hoped she knew the feeling was mutual.

  It only took about fifteen minutes to walk back, at a leisurely pace. Since Seb was as quiet as always, Pam quizzed me on the way down. Mostly about myself—what subjects I liked in school, and what hobbies I was into. She received short, one-word answers, and not just because I was annoyed with her presence. I really hadn’t worked out my life yet…beyond the fact that it was going to involve Seb.

  A few times, I thought
I felt his fingers grazing mine, like he was expecting to hold my hand. I didn’t reach for it, though. Even if Pam did know what was going on between us, there were more factors to take into consideration. Santa Monica and Suzie were one thing—in the first case no one knew us, and in the second, it was Suzie’s job to help us, no matter what our sexual interests were. But if I was starting a normal, school-five-days-a-week kind of life again, things would be different. If I made the decision to step out of the closet with Seb, I might not even get the chance to figure out what kind of person I was going to be here. I’d be labeled and categorized automatically. I’d be gay Alex.

  It was a lot to think about.

  “Here it is.” I pointed to the large one-story building for Seb. It was white like the little cottages at the main facility, but nothing really caused it to stand out from the other houses on the residential street. “Maybe you’ll be able to move out to one of these group homes pretty soon, huh? I heard there’s a couple around here.”

  Pam didn’t say anything, but I saw the doubt in her eyes.

  I led him inside and down the narrow hallway to the bedrooms. As I’d expected, the place seemed mostly empty…except for my room, of course.

  Carlos was still at the desk, and still on his computer. He glanced up with mild interest as we entered, looking a little less flaming this afternoon in a pair of straight-leg jeans and a tight blue t-shirt.

  I clenched my hands in frustration, though it didn’t really matter since Pam the Watchdog was still with us.

  “That’s my roommate, Carlos, and that’s my bunk—the bottom one. I always get stuck on the bottom.”

  Seb’s eyes grew bright for a moment with silent laughter, and I rolled mine in response. Pam only saw my face, of course, and frowned. She paused in the doorway as Seb hunched over to sit on the edge of my mattress. I stayed standing.

  Carlos took out his ear buds. “Are we getting another new person? I didn’t think there were any more rooms.”

  “No,” Pam answered. “Sebastian lives up on the grounds. He and Alex are friends, so they’re just having a little visit.”

  I jerked a thumb at Carlos. “Seb, Carlos. Carlos, Seb.” And then I held my breath and waited, hoping Seb would at least give him a nod of recognition.

  He didn’t.

  Carlos raised one delicate brow—a plucked one, I realized. “Oh. He’s, uh…oh.”

  Pam shot him a stern look, and he just shrugged.

  I wasn’t sure what to do. Did I need to start cheerleading for Seb to be more expressive? I considered it, for a moment—considered begging him to shake Carlos’ hand, asking him pretty please, or encouraging him with a you can do it! But somehow that seemed a little too close to how Pam had spoken to him earlier…a little too much like he was a special kid who needed to be babied.

  And my Seb wasn’t a baby.

  “So…uh…yeah, it’s cool we’re gonna be close like this. And Suzie said I’d be able to go up there all the time, to use the basketball court or the pool or whatever. We’ll be able to, uh, hang out.”

  I continued to watch Seb closely. He stared back, and it took me a few moments to recognize he was also watching me. He was studying my behavior the same way I was studying his—noticing the little twitches as I drew my hand through my hair, picking up on the tone of my voice and the words I chose. Using those silent skills of observation that had led him to figure me out before I had figured out myself.

  So what would he realize from his inspection?

  That I was too nervous to sit next to him and be open about our relationship in front of a counselor and my obviously gay roommate. That I was one person when I was with him, and another when we were faced with a social situation. That I was still hiding who I really was.

  Not exactly the best role model.

  “Hungry yet, Sebastian?” Pamela stepped into the quiet. “We could go to the kitchen here and make some sandwiches, if you like. What do you say? You want to give the whiteboard another try?”

  She’d brought it along, and again placed it in Seb’s lap. He didn’t even lift a hand to grasp it.

  Crap.

  “Do you?” I put in meekly. Even Carlos recognized how pathetic I sounded, and gave me a weird look.

  Seb’s dark eyes kept searing into me. I couldn’t read much from the rest of his face, but there was a hint of something questioning in his steady gaze. Well, Alex? What do you want?

  Not what did I want for lunch…but what did I want for me.

  Decision time.

  Old Alex should’ve been a more comfortable skin—something I could slip into with ease—but right now in this room it didn’t feel that way. In fact, it was a little like those damn shoes that had changed my life. They’d been worn in all the right places, but I’d still outgrown them.

  Gay Alex would probably face a lot of challenges, but so had old Alex. And while old Alex might’ve been content, he’d never been wildly happy. But what really sealed the deal was that I had one huge advantage over old Alex. I had Seb, and all the love Seb offered.

  And love was something old Alex had never really gotten enough of.

  My resolve strengthened by Seb’s powerful eyes, I crossed the distance between us in two purposeful strides and sat next to him, lacing his fingers with mine. Then I shut out the rest of the room, so the only thing in my field of vision was his beautiful face.

  “Seb, listen…you know I love our time together when we’re alone. You know I love it.”

  His lips twitched in a quick smirk.

  “But…I want you here…with me…all of the time. Even when there are other people around. ’Cause I’m just selfish like that.”

  I should’ve added that I’d like him to be more present when I wasn’t around, too, but that selfishness I spoke of wasn’t just a joke. I guess I did still want him to need me, in some way.

  “Besides, you’re an awesome person, and you really shouldn’t deprive the world of you,” I finished. And before I could overthink the move, I closed in for a very chaste but still square-on-the-lips kiss.

  His brows lifted in surprise as I pulled away. So that’s how it’s gonna be?

  “That’s how it’s gonna be. No more hiding.”

  For either of us.

  He gave me a slow, dazed nod. Okay then.

  “Yeah.” I kissed him again. “It is okay.”

  Pamela let out a sigh, ending my Seb tunnel-vision. I thought she might’ve been angry about the kissing, but she was smiling. “I guess your social worker was right about you, Alex. Thank you.”

  Carlos was resting his small, pointy chin in his hands, leaning over on his desk and gawking at us. “Just my luck. I get a hot gay roommate, and he’s already taken.”

  I caught my reflection in the closet door mirror as my skin went crimson. “You…you think I’m hot?”

  Seb’s hand tightened around mine and his eyes narrowed. Watch it. You’re mine.

  Carlos grinned. “Oh, and just so you know, you don’t have to worry about any Jesus freaks in this house. Everyone’s really cool.”

  Which meant of course I would have to worry at some point, but not even that undercurrent of reality could take away from the warmth in my heart as Seb’s thumb traced my knuckles.

  “All right then, boys, now I really am starving. Should we head to the kitchen?” Pamela asked.

  Seb shook his head.

  She smiled like he’d just popped a bottle of champagne after dropping rose petals at her feet. “No? Maybe back to the dining hall then? They do have a wider food selection.”

  He shook his head again.

  Now her brows wrinkled in concern. “You’re still not hungry? You barely even touched your dinner yesterday.”

  Seb started to shake his head yet again, but this time in a that’s not what I meant kind of way. He picked up the whiteboard and worked diligently for a few seconds, holding it against his chest so not even I could see.

  When he flipped it around, there was a picture
of a big fat hamburger on it, complete with cheese and lettuce hanging out the sides and poppy seeds on the bun. And underneath that, spelled to perfection, he’d written:

  McDonald’s.

  I almost let out a victorious cry, all charged up to celebrate Seb’s accomplishment. But then I remembered I didn’t want something like this to be an accomplishment. I wanted it to be a part of our everyday lives.

  So I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and looked up at Pam. “Yup. What he said.”

  ~*~

  “I’m out for a bit, man. You go ahead.” I tapped a chubby black-haired kid who was waiting on the sidelines. He might’ve been one of Seb’s housemates, but I’d been too wrapped up in Seb to learn everyone’s names these past few weeks.

  The boy trotted off eagerly, joining the basketball game that was already underway. I wasn’t really tired, but basketball still wasn’t my sport. Besides, I’d thought of a better way to pass the warm spring afternoon.

  Settling myself on a grassy hillside, I wrapped my arms around my knees and squinted into the sunlight. Any damage to my eyes was worth the view. Seb had taken his shirt off and thrown it carelessly on the court bench before jumping back into the game. Sweat trails danced further down his chest with each bounce of the ball, outlining his pecs and firm stomach. He faked left and then shot out to the right, springing to his toes to make the basket.

  Of course, he’d needed only a basic introduction to the rules of basketball before he proved to be a natural. Far better than I was, anyway.

  He grinned at me, all flushed and glossy with sweat, and I made sure to nod approvingly. It was hard to be jealous of his athletic abilities when I got to reap the benefits of that body.

  Although, I could do with a little more reaping.

  I was going to have to work on that—figuring out some time for us to be alone. Maybe they’d let us go on a picnic? We could find a spot of land, away from all these pesky prying eyes. Some place where I could hold him against my chest again, run my hands over his skin. Remind him of how much I loved him. Kiss him, maybe even…