But she doesn’t feel grateful. She feels scared. And sick.
“You hear that, Eddie?” Billy laughs. “It’s okay with her if we ‘make love’ to her.” It sounds like something filthy and degrading. Sunshine shudders. “Well, we ain’t gonna ‘make love’ to you, sweetheart,” Billy sneers. “We’re gonna fuck your goddamn brains out. And whether it’s okay with you don’t mean a sack of shit to us one way or the other, does it, Eddie?”
“Yeah, that’s right, Billy, it don’t mean shit to us,” Eddie agrees, but Sunshine gets the feeling that his heart’s not in it, that he may be desperate to please Billy, but he may not be so eager to participate in Billy’s plans. Or is that just wishful thinking?
Billy touches the sharp tip of the knife to Sunshine breastbone, just below her bra, and presses the cold point into her flesh. He is going to cut me, she thinks frantically. I should have run while I had the chance. But then he grabs her bra with his free hand, pulls it taut, and cuts the fabric cleanly with the sharp blade. It breaks with a snap.
Billy whistles appreciatively. “Holy shit, Eddie,” he says, “get a load of them knockers.” Instinctively, Sunshine tries to cover herself with her hands, but Billy knocks her arms away roughly. “Oh, no, baby, don’t do that,” he admonishes. “You ain’t got nothing to be ashamed of. Not a goddamn thing. I mean, they are a little on the small side, but they’re kinda perky. I like ‘em.” He makes a show of licking his lips as he stares at her exposed breasts.
“And besides, you’re into this ‘free love’ shit, ain’t you?” Billy says, on a roll. “I mean, if looking at your titties makes us feel good, then you’re supposed to let us do it, aren’t you? I mean, you should be happy at the chance to make us feel good, right?”
Sunshine is hopelessly confused, way out of her depth. Although she knows that Billy is only mocking her, she has to admit that there’s an element of truth in what he says. How can there be anything wrong, she wonders, with letting people get pleasure from looking at my body? Even if it goes further than that, even if they touch me, even if they make love to me – if it makes them feel good, how can it be wrong? What harm can it do?
Isn’t that what Nathan would say?
But at the same time, she realizes that the situation is so unsettled that she can’t be certain that her logic makes any sense. And no matter what conclusions the mental exercise leads to, she can’t escape the pervasive feeling of fear and degradation, with a small but unmistakable dash of indignant anger mixed in.
The anger surprises her, it’s an emotion that she hasn’t felt for a long time.
And anger, she knows, is not healthy.
“Well?” Billy demands. “You don’t mind us looking at your titties, do you?”
“I… I guess not.” If only Nathan were here! He’d be able to sort it all out for her, to make some sense out of this confusion.
“What about if we touch ‘em?” Billy asks, innocently. He folds up the knife and sticks it back in his pocket, which Sunshine takes as a hopeful sign. He grabs Sunshine around the waist with his left arm, pulls her close to him, and begins to roughly fondle her with his free hand. “You don’t mind if we play with ‘em, do you?”
He squeezes her left nipple between his thumb and forefinger so hard that it brings tears to her eyes. “You’re hurting me,” she says. “You don’t have to be so rough.”
“But I like hurting you,” Billy explains, mockingly. “It makes me feel good to hurt you. And you want me to do whatever makes me feel good, don’t you?”
“But it’s supposed to feel good for both of us.” Maybe if she can just explain it to him, calmly and logically, he’ll understand. “It’s an experience that we have to share. It’s no good if just one of us enjoys it.”
“Is that right?” Billy asks, in mock surprise. “Well, what about if me and Eddie enjoy it? That’s two of us. Will that make it okay?”
“That’s not what I mean.” Why is he being so deliberately obtuse? “You know that’s not what I mean.”
“C’mere, Eddie,” Billy demands. He circles Sunshine so that he’s behind her, his beefy arm around her waist. “She wants both of us to squeeze her titties. So me and you can share the experience.” Rearranging his grip so that he holds her firmly by her upper arms, he shakes her gently to make her breasts bob and sway.
“Gee, I dunno, Billy.” And again, Sunshine gets the feeling that Eddie’s not nearly as enthusiastic as Billy wants him to be. “Maybe we oughta just let her go,” he suggests, tentatively.
“You fucking candy-ass pussy,” Billy says, disgustedly. “You chicken-shit faggot. You ain’t never even touched a tittie in your whole fucking life.”
“I have too!” Eddie says, defensively. “Plenty of ‘em. I just don’t know…” His voice trails off.
“Don’t know what? Don’t know if you can get it up?”
“I CAN TOO!” Eddie screams. He balls his hands into fists. His face reddens. “I can too,” he repeats, more softly.
“Oh, poor baby,” Billy taunts. “Is the itty-bitty baby gonna cry?”
“You shut your mouth, Billy Barton,” Eddie says, which seems to surprise him as much as it surprises Billy. “You got no right to talk to me like that,” he says, sounding more hurt than angry. “Not in front of her, anyways,” he adds, quietly, nodding at Sunshine.
“Squeeze her titties, Eddie,” Billy urges again, the derision gone from his voice. He shakes Sunshine again so that her breasts sway gently. “Look at her, she’s laughing at you,” Billy continues. But Sunshine, far from laughing, is wearing a completely vacant expression. “She doesn’t think you’re man enough for her. You’re not gonna let the dumb cunt get away with that, are you?”
Eddie licks his lips nervously and looks at Sunshine, who stares back at him hollowly. “She’ll tell,” he says, flatly. “We’ll get in trouble.”
“Are you shitting me? She ain’t gonna say a fucking thing to no one, no way, no how. Are you, sweetheart?”
Sunshine, drifting, isn’t even aware that she’s been addressed.
“Hey, you with the titties,” Billy says, jovially. “Hey! I’m talking to you. What’s your name, baby?”
“Her name’s Sunshine,” Eddie offers. At the sound of her name, Sunshine’s head jerks up and her eyes focus.
“Oh, I get it,” Billy says, teasingly. “You two know each other, do you?”
“Cut it out, Billy,” Eddie says, but he’s clearly pleased by the ribbing. “I just remember from the alley, that’s all.”
“Well, what about it, Sunshine?” Billy leers. “You’re not going to tell anybody about this, are you?”
Sunshine thinks about it. She knows that she should probably say no, as Billy obviously wants her to. But is that true? I shouldn’t lie, she tells herself, not even under these extreme conditions, not even to save myself. It wouldn’t be right. And I most certainly will tell somebody – I’ll tell Nathan, if no one else. But I probably won’t go to the police, which is what Billy’s really asking me. So if I say no, I won’t really be lying, will I?
She shakes her head slowly, still not sure if she’s doing the right thing.
“See, Eddie, what did I tell you?” Billy crows. “You just don’t understand these people like I do,” he brags. “They’ll fuck anybody, anytime, anyplace. She’d just as soon suck you off as shake your hand. In fact,” he continues, as a light bulb seems to switch on in his head, “in fact, I’ll bet she’s fucked Stevie already, probably a whole bunch of times. That’s why he doesn’t want to come home – he’s knee-deep in snatch out at the pussy farm.” Feeling exceptionally clever, Billy laughs uproariously. Eddie manages an appreciative giggle.
“Go ahead, ask her, Eddie,” Billy urges. “Ask her if she’s fucked Stevie. She’ll tell you.”
“Oh, come on, Billy, I can’t…”
“Eddie, for shit’s sake, will you grow up?” Billy sounds disgusted. “Just ask her the fucking question.”
Eddie looks at Sunshin
e and licks his lips nervously. “Did you… you know…” He hesitates. He’s obviously never spoken like this to a girl before. “Did you… did you do it with Stevie?” he finally blurts out. “Did you?”
Sunshine’s one thin ray of hope – that, perhaps, Eddie would refuse to get involved, and that Billy, left to himself, would chicken out – is rapidly being extinguished. She lowers her eyes, defeated. “Bhakti… Stevie and I have made love,” she admits, quietly. Why does she feel so ashamed to say that? She feels a wave of anger. How can they take something that is so beautiful and actually make her feel embarrassed about it?
“What did I tell you?” Billy howls. “Stevie’s out there getting his pipes cleaned every fucking day, and we’re wondering why he doesn’t want to come home. What a bunch of chumps we are.” He spits on the ground. “Well, Eddie me boy, I think it’s time we got ourselves a piece of the action, don’t you?”
Eddie’s eyes dart back and forth from Billy to Sunshine. He bites his lip. He blinks. “I… I guess so, Billy,” he says, although he doesn’t seem to be entirely sure of exactly what Billy has in mind.
“Squeeze her titties, Eddie. Do it.”
But Eddie just blinks, looks at Sunshine, looks back at Billy, then blinks some more.
“Eddie, you’re pissing me off,” Billy snarls. He seems to be frustrated that he can’t break through Eddie’s paralysis. “She’s fucked Stevie, for Chrissakes. She’s fucked Stevie. She wants it, don’t you get it? She wants to fuck both of us.”
“I…” Sunshine starts to speak, but the sound of her own voice frightens her. She feels like she’s drowning. She knows that she should fight for the surface, but a part of her wants to give up, to surrender to the creeping numbness, to detach herself from the spreading pain. She clears her throat, and she desperately tries to clear her brain as well.
“I don’t mind,” she finally says, weakly. “I’ll make love to you. I’ll make love to both of you.” Somehow, she has to try to shape the situation to her perceptions, to take it out of their frame of reference. They just want to hurt her, of course. But she will show them what a sweet, magical experience lovemaking can be, and they will see the light.
They offer her pain, but she will give them love in return.
“You see, Eddie? She’s hot for you,” Billy says. “She can’t wait to get her hands on you.”
But Eddie begins to back away, slowly. “I’m going back to the truck, Billy,” he says, dully, as he retreats. “You go ahead,” he says. “You do her. I’m going back to the truck.” And he whirls around and starts walking slowly but purposefully back toward the road.
“EDDIE!” Billy releases his grip on Sunshine and starts to chase after Eddie, but he takes only a step or two before he changes his mind, unwilling to abandon his prize. “EDDIE! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!” he screams, as he reaches for Sunshine’s arm…
But somehow, without even being aware of it at all, Sunshine backs up, just one step, just enough to stay out of Billy’s reach. It’s mostly an instinctive revulsion of Billy’s hand as it snakes toward her, it’s not as if she’s made a deliberate decision to shy away from him…
But then something in his expression tells her that he thinks that she’s trying to escape, and the idea of flight begins to bounce around in her brain. And when he advances a step toward her, she backs up again, staying just out of his reach. He steps forward again, and again she retreats.
“If I have to come after you,” Billy growls, “you ain’t gonna like it.”
But when he takes another step toward her, she takes another step back. And she half-decides that maybe she should run, that she might not get another chance. Maybe it’s now or never. And so when he lunges at her, launching his unwieldy frame in her direction, she’s already on her toes, and the adrenalin has already started to pump through her veins. And she sidesteps him with ease.
Billy crashes to the ground.
But with surprising agility, he immediately scrambles back up to his feet.
But Sunshine is already gone.
2.3.6: Sturdivant
Even before Billy hits the ground, Sunshine has turned and bolted, like a hare sprung from a trap.
It feels good to be doing something, anything, after all that terrifying inactivity. And it feels especially good to be running, burning away the raw edges of the nerves that have been fraying ever since she ran into the truck… how long ago? It seems like hours.
But that’s all behind her now. Now, she’s as free as a bird, and she’s running like the wind.
“EDDIE!” she hears Billy scream. “SHE’S GETTING AWAY!” Billy is running behind her, he’s making a startling amount of noise as he lumbers through the dry grass like a bull elephant crashing through the underbrush. She tries to be as quiet as she can, although she suspects that it really doesn’t matter. For one thing, they probably can’t see her in the dark as long as she’s more than a few yards away from them. And for another thing, even if they could see her, it seems unlikely that they could keep up with her.
She doesn’t have the slightest idea of where she’s going, or even in what direction she’s running, but it really doesn’t matter. Getting away is all that matters. There will be time enough to get her bearings once she’s sure that she’s safe. And even if she becomes hopelessly lost, she can probably find a road or a house if she just wanders around long enough.
Or maybe I’ll just lie down in the tall grass and go to sleep under a canopy of stars, she thinks, and worry about finding my way out in the morning. By then, the events of this evening will seem less like an ordeal and more like a bad dream.
“She went this way. She’s over here, somewhere,” she hears from behind her. From farther behind her than last time. It sounds like Eddie’s joined in the hunt, but that doesn’t matter, she can outrun the two of them just as easily as she can outrun either one of them.
And then, for a moment, she flashes on the mini-race with Jillian, the sprint to the aid station. And it’s like she’s there all over again, leading the way, giving it all she has, squeezing out every last ounce of energy, wringing out every last drop of speed.
But of course, it’s not Jill Kendal breathing down her neck. And it’s not just a game. It’s serious. Deadly serious.
And then the strangest thing happens, and it happens so quickly that she’s not entirely sure of what’s going on, but she must have spooked some kind of small animal – a fox? a rabbit? Whatever it is, it bolts directly across her path, not three feet in front of her. And suddenly, it is the race to the aid station, and she swerves, instinctively, to avoid the sudden movement. She half expects to trip over a camera tripod, right out here in the middle of the field; but it’s her own feet that get tangled up. She frantically windmills the air with her arms, trying desperately to keep her balance as she spins crazily through the field, like a drunken scarecrow…
And she’s going backward, still moving at a pretty good clip, when her feet finally sail out from under her. She lands flat on her back. Her head hits the soft earth and bounces. The force of the fall knocks the breath clean out of her. She can’t breathe, not at all. She’s going to suffocate. Someone will find her lying in the middle of the field, her shirt ripped, her mouth bloodied, a bruise on the back of her head, stone-cold dead of asphyxiation. It will be a real mystery, the newspapers will have a field day. Triathlete Found Dead in Field. Police Baffled.
She knows that she should get up and run, that she’s not badly hurt from the fall, but she can’t even breathe, much less move. She opens her mouth wide, like a fish out of water, and she tries to will some air into her lungs, but nothing happens. She starts to feel lightheaded. Oh no, I’m passing out, she thinks, and I’m never going to wake up. She struggles to get to her feet, but the world is spinning, and she collapses in a jumbled heap.
And then suddenly, just as quickly as it vanished, her breath returns. Air fills her lungs in great, heaving gasps. She’s breathing so noisily that she’s afraid that her pur
suers will hear her. But it can’t really be as loud as it sounds to her, can it? She stretches out flat on her back, and lets the welcome air flow through her, and her labored breathing slowly returns to normal.
And just when she feels sufficiently recovered to try to move on, she hears them. It doesn’t sound like they’re very far off, but she can’t fix their direction, and she’s afraid to get up. It’s okay, she thinks, they can’t see me. I’ll just be real still, and they’ll never find me.
“We’ll never find her, Billy,” Eddie says, as if he’s picking up her thoughts. “She’s gone. Let’s…”
“Shut up,” Billy orders.
“Billy…”
“I said shut up! Listen!”
They must both be standing completely still, she thinks. I can’t even hear the grass rustling. From somewhere off in the distance, she hears the strangely comforting sound of occasional traffic. Is she near a road?
The dull drone of crickets fills the night. An owl hoots off in the distance. Her heart pounds. Once again, she’s afraid that her breathing is so loud that they’ll be able to track her down just by following the noise.
“What are we listening for?” Eddie asks, in a stage whisper. “I don’t hear anything.”
“That’s right, asswipe,” Billy retorts. “I don’t hear anything either. She’s not running anymore.”
Sunshine fights the urge to stick her head up to try to ascertain where they are. It sounds like they’re no more than maybe fifty yards away, and it doesn’t sound like they’re together. Maybe they spread out to search for her.
“She’s probably too far away for us to hear her anymore,” Eddie whines. “She’s real fast, remember?” he adds, with a touch of sarcasm.
“We’d hear her. If she was still running, we’d hear her,” Billy says, with chilling conviction. “She’s laying low. She’s right around here somewhere.”
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