Transition

by Henry Charles Mishkoff

  “We’re never going to find her, Billy,” Eddie complains. “This field must be like 200 acres.”

  “Just shut up and start looking,” Billy commands. “She’s right around here somewhere.”

  “Billy…”

  “Just do what I tell you to do,” Billy says, absently. “And don’t make too much noise. And stop every couple of seconds and listen. She’s here. We’ll find her.”

  And so the hunt resumes.

  She hears them rustling through the tall, dry grass. Every once in a while Billy shouts, “Hold it! Quiet!” And then it grows eerily silent, and it’s as if she can hear them listening, straining their ears for an auditory trace of her. Then Billy says, “Okay, keep looking,” and the rustling sounds pick up again, like twin scythes slicing through the hay, sometimes close, sometimes farther away.

  After this ritual has been repeated maybe a dozen times, Eddie starts to complain again. “We’re not going to find her, Billy,” he whines, over and over again. “Let’s get outta here. I wanna go home.” Billy keeps telling him to shut up, and Eddie quiets down for a minute, but then he starts whining again. Billy keeps telling Eddie to keep looking, but it seems to Sunshine that Billy’s getting less vehement each time. He’s losing his patience, she thinks. Soon, it’ll be over.

  And then, without Eddie even saying anything, Billy says, disgustedly, “She’s not here. We lost her. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

  Is it just a trick? Sunshine wonders. Are they just trying to get me to poke my head up so they can spot me? Well, it really doesn’t matter, because I’m not going to move for a long time. In fact, I might just go to sleep right here and not even think about moving at all until the morning.

  But no, it’s not a trick, she can hear them rustling steadily through the grass, making their way back to the truck. In a minute, it’ll be all over. In a minute, they’ll be gone, and then she…

  But the sound of crackling grass is getting closer and closer. It sounds like one of them is going to walk right by her. Maybe right into her. It keeps getting louder and louder, its cadence matching the beat of her heart. Swish… swish… swish…

  They’ll be on me in a minute, Sunshine thinks. It’s just not fair! After all this, to come so close…

  And the sound keeps getting louder and louder, closer and closer. Swish… Swish… Swish…

  Should I get up and run? she wonders. I could still outrun them. They’ll never catch me. But then I might have to go through this all over again. And next time, they won’t give up so easily. No, better just to lie still and hope that they’ll miss me. In the darkness, they could pass inches from me and not even see me.

  SWISH… SWISH… SWISH…

  And then she sees him. It’s Eddie, and he’s only a few feet away from her. If he stays on his current course, he’ll step right across her feet in just a couple of seconds. He’s moving at right angles to the direction in which her body is stretched out in the grass, and he’s either going to walk right past her feet, missing her by a hair, or he’s going to trip right over her.

  Eddie’s right foot lands not an inch from her left shoe, and he swings his left leg past her, but she can see that when he lifts his right foot again, his shoe will kick into hers. He’ll trip over her. Even if he doesn’t fall, she’ll be discovered.

  Everything seems to be happening in excruciatingly slow motion. Eddie’s left foot makes contact with the ground. His right foot begins to rise. His sneaker flexes as he raises his heel. She can clearly read CONVERSE ALL STAR, even in the dark, it’s that close. His toe leaves the ground. It begins its inexorable rise, aimed directly at the toe of her white running shoe. If only he’ll lift his foot just a little higher. It’s going to be so close…

  As many times as she later re-runs the scene in her mind, over and over and over again, she’s never sure if he would have missed her or not, whether she would have been safe if only she had just lain still. But at the last instant, when it looks as though Eddie’s shoe is only millimeters from hers, her nerve breaks, and she bends her knees just a little, pulls her feet back just a hair, just enough to get them out of Eddie’s way…

  He’s almost past her and he’s not even looking in her direction, but Eddie catches the movement in his peripheral vision. He stops suddenly, nearly stumbling. He turns to look down at her. Even in the dark she can see that his eyes are wide with surprise. She feels utterly helpless, immobilized, lying there in the grass, staring up at Eddie as he towers above her. Her fate rests entirely in his hands.

  For a few impossibly long seconds they stare at each other. It’s difficult to tell which one of them is more terrified. He breaks eye contact with her and glances off to the side, in the direction of where she hears Billy stomping through the field. It sounds as though Billy has already passed them, and his pace hasn’t changed, so he must not have noticed that Eddie has stopped.

  Eddie looks down at Sunshine, then back over at Billy, then back at Sunshine. He’s trying to decide whether to say anything or not, Sunshine realizes. There’s a chance that he might let me go.

  Eddie opens his mouth as if he’s going to speak, but nothing comes out. He opens his mouth to try again. No, she whispers. Please! His mouth snaps shut. His eyes grow wild with indecision.

  And then, just as she’s sure that he’s going to turn back and keep walking without giving her away, the sound of Billy moving through the grass suddenly stops. The silence is deafening. She hears it as clearly as a siren, as compelling as a church bell.

  “Eddie?” Billy calls, half a question in his voice. “Come on, let’s go.”

  And if Eddie had just turned right then, everything would have been okay. At least that’s what she tells herself later, when she replays the scene in her mind, again and again. But maybe he was already suspicious, she would think. Maybe even if Eddie had walked away right at that very instant, Billy might have wandered over to see why Eddie had stopped, just the same. Of course, that would have given her time to get up and run away again – if she hadn’t been too paralyzed with fear to move.

  And she realizes, in the following days, as the agonizing moment replays incessantly through her mind, that it’s pointless, that she’s obsessing about it for no useful purpose. What happened, happened. She can’t change it. It’s part of the immutable fabric of the universe, as constant as a fixed star.

  But still. If Eddie had only responded to Billy’s suggestion. If Eddie had only just turned around and moved along.

  But those second-guesses will come later. Right now, Eddie just stands there and looks down at her, wide-eyed, open-mouthed, until even a half-blind idiot can see that something is amiss.

  Until even Billy Barton can tell that something is up.

  2.3.7: Sturdivant

  “What you got there, Eddie?” Billy asks, suspiciously. The swish… swish… starts up again as Billy strides toward them. “You got something there for me?”

  Eddie doesn’t answer, but his silence is eloquent, as he continues to look back and forth from Sunshine to the rapidly advancing Billy.

  And then Billy is there, and she’s looking up at both of them, feeling, well, just plain silly lying there, sprawled out on the ground. Billy stares down at her with a terrifyingly blank expression, as if he’s peering at an animal in a cage at the zoo. “Hello again,” he says, conversationally.

  Sunshine feels as though she’s being spoken to from a great height, a voice out of the clouds. “Hi,” she says, weakly, feeling more foolish than scared.

  “How ya doin’?” Billy inquires.

  “Okay,” she responds, inanely. “I’m fine.” And you? she almost continues, instinctively.

  “You shouldn’t have oughta run away, you know,” Billy says, calmly. “You shouldn’t have done that. That wasn’t very smart.”

  “I just thought that it would be better for both of us if I did,” Sunshine says. Even though she’s pretty sure that her situation is hopeless, some small part of her refuses to give up. S
he’ll explain it all to Billy, he’ll understand, and everything will be okay. “I was afraid that you were going to do something that you would regret later,” she explains. “Something that would create bad karma for you.”

  “Oh, I see,” Billy says, reasonably. “Here I thought that you were running away just to save your ass, but all the time you were just worrying about my karma. Whatever the fuck that is.”

  “It’s the spiritual baggage that you carry with you,” Sunshine explains, earnestly. “Everything you do creates karma, either good or bad. Bad karma always catches up with you sooner or later. You have to carry it around with you forever, even into your next life. If you create too much bad karma, it could take several lifetimes for you to…”

  “Get up,” Billy says. All the reasonableness has drained from his voice and has been replaced by a frighteningly cold fury.

  “Excuse me?”

  Billy lashes out with his foot. His boot digs brutally into Sunshine’s side with a searing flash of pain. Tears come to her eyes. She cries out in surprise and hurt.

  “I said, get up.”

  She rises gingerly to her feet, holding her side, staring at Billy in wild-eyed fear.

  “If you try to run again, I’ll kill you,” Billy says, evenly. “Do you understand me?”

  Sunshine nods her head dumbly.

  And then Billy’s fist flies through the darkness, heading straight for her jaw, and she feels like she should be able to move out of the way, she sees it coming, but she just can’t move quickly enough, her muscles refuse to respond, like in a bad dream. She does manage to move her head just a little, so he doesn’t hit her flush on the jaw. But it’s more than just a glancing blow, and she screams and tumbles back to the ground.

  “Jeez, Billy…”

  “Shut up, Eddie.”

  For a sickening minute, she doesn’t know where she is. And then everything floods back in a rush, too soon, much too soon. Why did you hit me? she wants to ask, but her jaw hurts way too much for her to speak. And it would probably be better if she just kept her mouth shut for a change, anyway. When she touches her jaw, her hand comes away sticky with blood. But it doesn’t feel like anything is broken. And after the initial surge of nearly intolerable pain, it really doesn’t even hurt that badly.

  I’ve never been punched before, she thinks. In my whole life, nobody’s ever taken a swing at me.

  So this is what it feels like.

  “Take your pants off,” Billy says.

  She blinks, several times. Her jaw begins to throb. “You want me to take my pants off?” she asks, stupidly.

  “You want me to hit you again?”

  “No,” she answers quickly. “No, I don’t.” So he’s going to rape me after all, she thinks dully, as she slides her shorts off. What a strange word. Rape. Making love to somebody who doesn’t want to make love to you.

  “Your underpants, too.”

  This can’t really be happening, she thinks, as she removes her white panties. Not to me.

  But here she is, lying sprawled out in a field in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night, feeling so incredibly exposed, her torn T-shirt offering scant protection.

  And Eddie – poor, confused Eddie, she thinks – he just stares down at her, between her legs, bug-eyed. Billy’s eyes reflect nothing more than cold-blooded anger, even in the dark the depths of hostility emanating from his eyes make her shudder.

  “Spread your fucking legs,” Billy says, as he unhooks his belt and starts to climb out of his jeans.

  “It doesn’t have to be like this,” Sunshine says. This is all wrong. She feels so embarrassed, lying spread-eagled for their inspection. So vulnerable. “Please, listen to me. Making love can be a truly exquisite experience, but you have to…”

  “Shut your fucking mouth, bitch,” Billy says. “And don’t open it again unless I stick my cock in it.”

  And then his pants are off, and she can see his stiff penis swaying softly in the darkness. How can he be excited already? she wonders. I haven’t even touched him. Could the sight of my nakedness arouse him so quickly? Or maybe – she resists the thought, but it comes anyway – or maybe punching me in the mouth is what got him so excited. Seeing me bleed. Causing me pain. Making me cry.

  “Wait, just a minute,” Sunshine says desperately, as Billy falls to his knees between her spread legs. “I’m not ready yet. I’m much too dry.”

  But Billy just laughs and roughly grabs at her crotch. “Don’t worry, baby. You’re as ready as you’re gonna get.”

  And then he’s sprawled on top of her, his weight crushing her, his flesh pressed obscenely against hers. She can feel the tip of his penis pushing at her vaginal lips, and he’s trying to enter her, but she’s not ready, doesn’t he understand? “Wait!” she screams. “It’s no good! You’re hurting me! You’re hurting me!” But this just seems to excite him even more, and he drives into her, forcing her open, laughing cruelly as she screams.

  And then everything gets jumbled and confused. She feels like he’s ripping her open, tearing her apart, and it’s all so unnecessary, if he’ll just wait until she’s ready it’ll be so much better for both of them. And then the pain comes in waves, and she screams for him to stop, but he just laughs. She tries to push him off, but he’s like so much dead weight. She hits him, pounding on his back with her fists with all her might. She’s never hit anyone before, so maybe she’s not doing it right, because it doesn’t seem to have any effect on Billy at all. She doesn’t so much want to hurt him, she just wants him to stop, why doesn’t he stop, why doesn’t he stop, doesn’t he know that he’s hurting her?

  And then an incredible anger floods through her, and suddenly she does want to hurt him, to give him a taste of what he’s doing to her, to punish him for the despicable obscenity that he’s performing on her body, to wreak revenge on him for defiling the sacred act of love. She screams at him uncontrollably, calls him every vile name that springs into her mind. She tries to hit him harder, but he seems to be impervious to pain, and her blows just glance off him.

  But then he seems to tire of her assault, ineffective as it is, and he slaps her across the face – not very hard, because he lacks leverage, lying there on top of her, but repeatedly, over and over again, until it hurts her too much to keep shouting, and her arms are too tired to keep swinging, and she just lies there, sobbing quietly.

  And then, just when she thinks that she can’t possibly stand it for another second, just when she begins to wish that she were dead so it would all be over, it ends.

  “Oh, yeah,” he grunts. And seconds later, he rolls off her. He rises to his feet and climbs leisurely back into his clothes.

  Everything seems indistinct, dreamlike. Her vision is hazy. Even the sounds that manage to reach her ears are blurred, distant, like a bad connection.

  “You want a shot at her?” Billy asks. And she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Is he talking to her? Is she supposed to answer him?

  “Uh… no, I don’t think so,” Eddie says, and she realizes what Billy meant, and she moans. She’s so incredibly sore. She must be bleeding. The pain between her legs is throbbing, incessant. He may have caused some kind of permanent damage. If Eddie had said yes, if he had actually mounted her and tried to… she shudders and moans again, softly.

  “Okay,” Billy says. “Let’s get out of here. I need a beer.”

  But instead of walking away, Billy gets down on his hands and knees and lowers his head until it’s just inches from hers.

  “You’re not going to make any trouble for us, are you?” he asks. It sounds more like a statement of fact than a question.

  Sunshine shakes her head dumbly.

  “Well, that’s real smart, you’re a real smart girl,” Billy says, and he pats her on the head. She tries desperately to escape his foul touch, but all she can do is twist her neck a little. He grabs her hair roughly and yanks her head back so that she’s again looking into his eyes. She suppresses a scream.
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  “And you tell Nathan that we want Stevie back, okay? Just nod your head if you understand me.”

  Somehow, she manages to nod.

  “That’s a good girl. Tell him that he’s going to be very, very sorry if he doesn’t let Stevie go. Tell him Billy Barton said so. Will you tell him that for me?”

  Again, Sunshine nods, carefully. Every movement is agonizing.

  “Let’s go,” Billy says. He stands up and walks away. She can hear him moving through the grass, swish… swish…

  And then Eddie is standing over her, peering down at her, the strangest look in his eyes, a mixture of curiosity and revulsion, like she’s some kind of circus freak.

  “Come on, Eddie,” Billy calls. “If you’re not gonna fuck her, let’s get the hell out of here. I’m hungry.”

  “Okay,” Eddie says, sounding like he’s disappointed that the show’s over. “I’m coming.” He stares down at Sunshine for a few more seconds, then he too turns and walks away.

  Sunshine hears them, talking and laughing, Eddie’s unmistakable high-pitched giggle, the dry grass crackling, the sounds growing softer and softer and softer…

  And then they’re gone.

  2.3.8: Sturdivant

  She lies in the field, not moving, for what seems like hours.

  She’s waiting to hear the sound of a motor starting, the rumbling of a truck pulling away, before she’ll let herself believe that they’re really gone. But the sound never comes. Maybe she’s too far away from the road to hear it. Or maybe she’s been drifting in and out of consciousness and she missed it.

  She feels between her legs. She’s unbelievably sore. Surprisingly, she doesn’t appear to be bleeding. She touches her jaw, gingerly. There doesn’t seem to be any fresh blood there either, although she’s certain that it had been bleeding earlier. And her teeth all seem to be there, too.

  Maybe I’ll just lie here until morning, she thinks. But she pictures herself walking down the road, bloody and battered, her shirt ripped, and she knows that she craves the anonymity of the darkness. And she desperately wants to be back at the ashram, back with Nathan, just as soon as possible. Nathan will understand. Nathan will heal her broken body. Nathan will mend her savaged spirit.