Memories: A Husband to RememberNew Year's Daddy (Hqn)

by Jackson, Lisa

  “A what?” Veronica silently prayed she’d heard incorrectly.

  “A daddy, like all my friends have.” Amy said the request matter-of-factly, as if her mother should be able to see the perfect logic of it all. “Then you wouldn’t have to be alone.”

  “I’m not alone,” Veronica protested. “I’ve got you.” She squeezed her daughter and Amy giggled, then squirmed off her lap to run to the bathroom.

  Veronica was left with a cooling cup of coffee and a Christmas wish list she couldn’t hope to fill. She stared at the crayon-written letters and sighed. Sooner or later this was bound to happen, but she’d been counting on later. Much later. She’d been married to Hank, her high school sweetheart, three years when she’d learned she was pregnant. Their happiness had been complete. Tears shimmered in her eyes when she remembered Hank’s reaction to the news that they were going to have a baby, how his handsome mouth had stretched into a smile and the sound of sheer joy when he’d laughed out loud, grabbed her and twirled her off her feet. She’d counted herself as one of the truly blessed people in the world. Amy’s birth had been incredible. Hank had been with her in the delivery room and when he’d first held his little daughter, he’d cried silent tears of joy.

  Then, within a year, he was dead, her life shattered with no way to put the jagged and crumbling pieces together again.

  Veronica closed her eyes. Maybe no one was supposed to be as happy as they’d been. Maybe everyone was supposed to suffer, but it wasn’t fair. It just wasn’t fair. Big, blond, strapping Hank should have lived until he was in his nineties. Instead, he’d been cut down at twenty-six. Almost four years ago. Four long, lonely years.

  He was simply irreplaceable.

  She blinked rapidly and told herself that it didn’t matter. Even if Amy wanted a daddy, they could do very well without one. Veronica had long ago determined that she could be both mother and father to her little girl. She held her cup to her lips and grimaced when she noticed she was shaking.

  Amy was back quickly and scrambling onto the couch.

  “Did you wash your hands?” Veronica said automatically.

  Amy nodded and Veronica saw that her daughter’s fingers were still wet. One thing at a time. They’d tackle drying those little fists another day.

  “Hey, lookie!” Amy was standing on tiptoe on the cushions of the couch, leaning against the back pillows, her nose pressed against the glass as she stared outside. Veronica twisted to squint through the frosted panes. Icicles glistened on the eaves of the porch and snow touched by silvery moon glow blanketed the ground. “Lights,” Amy said. “New lights.”

  She looked through the branches of the trees and noticed the warm glow of lamps shining from the house across the lake. “Well, what d’ya know? Someone must be staying at the old Johnson place.” That thought bothered her more than it should have, she supposed, but she couldn’t help her dream of someday owning the old lodge by the lake and converting it into a bed-and-breakfast inn. The lodge had special memories for her, memories she knew she would cherish to her dying day. Her father had been caretaker of the grounds and she’d grown up swimming in the smooth water of the lake and chasing her sister through the long grass of the shoreline. In winter, her father would let them build camp fires on the beach and cross-country ski along the old logging roads.

  “It’s creepy there!” Amy shuddered theatrically at the mention of Johnson’s property.

  Ronni laughed. “No,” she said, squeezing her daughter, her melancholy chased away by Amy’s analysis of a place she found absolutely charming. “It’s just that the house is big and rambling and has been vacant for a long time. Believe me, with a lot of money and a little bit of elbow grease, it would be the nicest place around for miles.”

  Amy wrinkled her nose. “Elbow grease?”

  “It means hard work. The old lodge needs TLC—that means tender loving care.”

  “I know that. But it has cobwebs and broken windows and probably snakes and bats and ghosts!” Amy said, obviously remembering the walk they’d taken down the winding lane that ran past their property and ended up at the Cyrus Johnson estate.

  Veronica had ignored the No Trespassing signs and helped Amy over the gate so the little girl could observe ducks and geese gather on the private lake. It had been early morning, they’d watched in awe as the sun rose over the mountains, chasing away the shadows of the land as a doe with her speckle-backed fawns drank from the water. An eagle had soared high overhead and on the ground chipmunks had scurried for cover.

  But Amy remembered the spiders and imagined the ghosts of the rambling old lodge. She’d never wanted to go back to the lake again, and Veronica, hoping her daughter would outgrow her fears, never mentioned that it was her secret dream to buy the place someday—to create the same haven for Amy that had sheltered her. Even the old caretaker’s house could be rented out—maybe to Shelly.

  The Johnson property had been on the market for nearly a year and no one had shown any interest. A real estate agent and friend of Veronica’s, Taffy LeMar, had promised to call if she heard any gossip about a serious buyer.

  Not that Veronica had any real hope of owning the hundred-plus acres. As rundown as it was, the lodge and property were worth over half a million dollars. Financially she was doing all right but she couldn’t hope to secure such a large mortgage.

  “I wonder who’s inside?” Veronica thought aloud. Apparently not anyone who was taking up permanent residence, or Taffy would have called her. But Veronica was left with an uneasy feeling—that same inexplicable sense of dread that had clung to her all day.

  “Ghosts and witches,” Amy insisted. “That’s who lives there!”

  “I don’t think so.” Rubbing her chin, Veronica tried to imagine who would move into a drafty old lodge in the middle of winter. They were probably just renting it for a week or two—an eccentric couple looking for a rustic retreat for the holidays. Or they could be trespassing. The electricity wouldn’t be turned on but they could use kerosene lanterns for light, a camp stove to cook on and camp fires for warmth. Water would be the only problem as the pump was probably fueled by electricity, but they could always carry buckets from the lake. She gave herself a swift mental kick for letting her imagination run away with her—she was as bad as Amy.

  “Creepy,” Amy said again before being distracted by the sparkling ornaments. She dashed across the room and searched through two boxes of Christmas decorations before dragging out a piece of red tinsel and draping it around her neck like a glittery feather boa. “Look at me, I’m a Christmas tree.”

  Veronica grinned widely. “No way. You’re an angel.”

  “Not an angel.” A look of sheer vexation crossed Amy’s small features. “A tree.”

  “You need a star on top, don’t you?”

  Amy’s eyes rounded. “Do we have one?”

  Shaking her head, Veronica said, “I can’t remember. Seems to me it broke last year when I was putting it away. We might have to buy a new one.” That thought brought her no joy. All the Christmas ornaments she had she’d bought with Hank. Their first tree had been a little tabletop pine with one strand of lights and a few red balls that reminded them both of the animated tree from “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” and each year they’d purchased a larger tree and picked out new decorations. Each Christmas Eve, they had opened a small gift in their stockings, which traditionally had been a special ornament with the date inscribed across it. Once the stockings were empty, they hung their new little decorations on the tree, sipped mulled wine and made love beneath the branches. With only the light of a few candles on the mantel and an old afghan and each other for warmth, they had stayed awake until midnight when it was officially Christmas Day.

  A deep, grieving sadness stole through her heart as it always did this time of year. If it weren’t for Amy, she’d chuck all her Christmas traditions. Oh, Shelly would probably demand their little, fragmented family still get together. But Veronica was certain that were it not for
her daughter, she would probably just give Shelly, her sister’s husband and the boys each a gift certificate to their favorite store, forget the cards, decorations, stockings and tree, fly away for the holidays and spend the last two weeks of the year soaking up the sun somewhere, lounging around a tropical pool, sipping iced tea and pretending that the Christmas season had never existed.

  “Can I buy the new star?” Amy asked, dragging her back to the here and now.

  “Sure you can. Whatever star you want,” Veronica replied, forcing a note of gaiety into her voice. “I bet we’ll be able to find one at the church bazaar. Now, come on, you can help me make dinner.”

  Amy followed her into the kitchen area, tinsel dragging on the floor after her like the train of a bridal gown.

  “Can we have macaroni and cheese tonight?” Amy had asked the same question every night for the past five.

  “I was thinking about turkey soup and hot bread. See, I was cutting up carrots when you came home.”

  Amy wrinkled her nose. “Don’t like—”

  “We’ll even add this pasta I bought,” Veronica added quickly, forestalling her daughter’s protests. “Here, take a look.” Reaching into her cupboard, Veronica pulled out a wrapped package of red, green and yellow pasta shaped like miniature Christmas trees.

  Amy’s mouth rounded into a gasp of pleasure. “Can I do it?”

  “You bet. When the broth’s boiling and if you’re very careful so you don’t get burned, you can help me by tossing in a handful or two.”

  “I can do it,” Amy vowed. She threw another loop of tinsel around her neck and pushed a chair near the counter all the while singing the first few words of “Oh, Christmas Tree” over and over again.

  *

  “I can’t believe there’s no cable,” Bryan grumbled for the dozenth time. At fourteen, he seemed to think it was his God-given right to watch MTV around the clock. He adjusted his Seattle Mariners’ cap, twisting it so that it was on backward, the bill pointing down his back, his brown hair poking out around the edges.

  “No TV, period,” his father reminded him as he lugged a basket of kindling and set it near the river-rock fireplace which rose two full stories to the ceiling. The place was dusty, drafty and needed so much work that Travis second-guessed himself for the first time since moving from Seattle. The rooms were barren and the moving van wasn’t scheduled to show up for a couple of days so he and Bryan planned to work together—kind of a father-and-son project—to put the old house in order before their things arrived. So far, the son part of the team couldn’t have been less interested.

  Travis had decided they’d shore up the sagging porch, clean the floors and windows, determine how much rewiring and new plumbing was needed and just spend some time getting to know each other again—to make up for lost time.

  Bryan dropped his basket onto the hearth and glanced up at the chandelier, which was constructed of deer antlers that supported tiny lights, most of which had probably burned out years ago. “This place stinks. It looks like something out of The Addams Family!”

  “You don’t like the haunted-house ambience?” Travis asked, smiling and dusting his hands. The kid needed to be jollied out of the bad mood that he’d hauled around with him for the past week.

  “I hate it, okay?”

  Boy, Bryan was pushing. Travis told himself not to explode and tell his son to find a new attitude. “It’ll be great if you give it a chance.”

  “Are you crazy? It’s a pit! Beyond a pit! Should have been condemned fifty years ago. Probably was.” Bryan flopped down on one of the two mattresses they’d brought. He propped his head on his rolled sleeping bag and scowled at his new surroundings as if he’d just been locked into a six-by-twelve prison cell.

  “Give it a rest, Bryan,” Travis warned, even though he, too, saw the problems with the old lodge, maybe clearer than his son.

  Cobwebs trailed from the ceiling and the leftover meals of spiders—dead, drained insect carcasses—vied with mouse pellets for space in dark corners. The pipes creaked, the lights were undependable and all the old linoleum would have to be replaced. Toilets and sinks were stained and the grout between what had once been beautiful imported tile had disintegrated. Fixing the place up would probably cost him as much as his original investment, but it would be worth it, he silently told himself, stacking kindling on ancient andirons. Any amount of money spent would be cheap if it meant saving his boy.

  He glanced over his shoulder at Bryan and saw the sullen expression in his son’s eyes, the curled lower lip, the ever-present baseball cap on backward and tattered, black clothes that were three sizes too big for him. His fashion statement wasn’t really the problem, nor did Travis object to Bryan’s earring or the streak of bleached-blond hair that contrasted to his natural deep brown, but Bryan’s general attitude needed an overhaul, and fast.

  “You’re gonna love it here,” Travis said, striking a wooden match on the hearth. Sizzling, the match flared and Travis touched the flame to bits of old newspaper wadded beneath the firewood.

  “In your dreams.”

  “Give it a chance, Bryan. I’ve heard that you can see eagles and deer, maybe even elk and rabbits.”

  “Big deal.”

  The fire began to crackle. “We both agreed that we needed to change—”

  “No, Travis,” he said, rarely calling his father anything but his given name ever since the divorce. Jabbing a thumb at his chest, he added, “I didn’t agree to anything. This was your deal. Not mine. I would have stayed in Seattle, with my friends.”

  Travis bit down hard on his molars so that he wouldn’t make some snide comment about the friends Bryan chose, not necessarily bad kids, but the kind that seemed to scare up trouble wherever it was hiding. Bryan’s choice of friends had been one of the reasons that had prompted this move to Oregon. One kid had been caught smoking marijuana several times; another had convinced a few pals to skip school, which ended in a joyride cut short when he wrapped the car around a telephone pole, sending several boys to the hospital; and a third had attempted suicide. Not a healthy environment. “Staying in Seattle wasn’t an option.”

  “Yeah, because I don’t have any say in anything that happens to me.”

  “Not true, Bryan.”

  His son’s lips folded over his teeth in annoyance and he popped his knuckles. “Did anyone ask me what I wanted when you and Sylvia got divorced?”

  “Your mother and I—”

  “Got married ’cause she was pregnant with me and then you found out that you didn’t love each other. The only reason you stayed together so long was because of me.” He made a sound of disgust in his throat and glared at the ceiling. “I don’t know why you bothered.”

  This was getting complicated. Travis walked to the vacant mattress, which lay only a few feet from Bryan’s. He sat on his rolled sleeping bag and clasping his hands together, hung them between his legs as he looked his boy straight in the eye. “Your mother and I weren’t the greatest match, it’s true, and yes, she was carrying you, so that pushed up our wedding plans, but we’d already committed to each other. We were going to get married and have kids, one way or the other. It just didn’t work out.”

  Bryan’s lips tightened.

  “We tried.”

  “Who cares?”

  “You do, I think, and I feel badly that you got hurt.”

  “I’m not hurt, okay?”

  Travis felt like giving up, but he gritted his teeth.

  “I just want to move back home,” Bryan said.

  “This is home now.”

  “Never,” Bryan muttered.

  “Look, Bry, it’s complicated and hard, I know, but you have to realize that Sylvia and I each love you very much.”

  Levering himself up on an elbow, Bryan stared straight at his father, his gaze, so like Travis’s boring into him. “So that’s why she took off for France.”

  “She needed time and space.”

  “It’s been three years!”


  “She likes it over there.”

  “So she can be away from me. Doesn’t have any responsibility then, does she? She can hang out with that gigolo—you know, Jean Pierre or whatever his name is.”

  Damn! Travis had to bite his tongue. His ex-wife wasn’t a bad person, just incredibly self-centered. Half of what Bryan was saying about her was true. Sometimes it was impossible to explain that whimsical woman who thought more of herself, her “freedom,” than she did of her family. But then she alone wasn’t to blame for the divorce. Travis, in his own way, had neglected her and their son. “Your mother’s just unconventional. Always has been.”

  “Does that translate to basket case?”

  “No.”

  “Then it must be a fancy way of saying she doesn’t give a damn about me!”

  “Bryan, listen—”

  “Oh, just forget it.” He flopped back on the sleeping bag and stared at the ceiling again. Making an angry motion with one hand, he said, “I don’t want to think about her, anyway. I don’t want to think about anything.”

  “Things have a way of working out,” Travis said, cringing inside at the patronizing ring to his words. “You’ll get used to living here, maybe even like it.”

  “Why? Why would I want to live in some little Podunk town?”

  “You needed a change.”

  “You mean you did.” Bryan eyed his father disdainfully and Travis was suddenly painfully aware of his jeans and flannel shirt as opposed to the suits that Bryan had seen him wearing since the day the kid was born. He couldn’t deny the fact that he’d been little more than a part-time father at best, spending more hours with his fledgling businesses than with his son in the first few, formative years of the boy’s life. He’d kicked himself to hell and back for his mistakes, but it didn’t make any difference. The past was the past. Now it was time for a new start.

  “Look,” Travis said, climbing to his feet. “We worked hard today. Let’s spoil ourselves and go skiing tomorrow afternoon.”

  “What? No more chopping wood? Splitting kindling? Mopping floors?” Bryan sneered.

  “Careful, or you’ll find yourself doing just those things,” Travis warned, though he smiled. “We’ll check out Mount Echo. May as well since it’s practically in our backyard. What do you say?”