Love Me For Me

by Lauren Hawkeye

  “Shit, Serena. Are you okay?” He set me back onto my feet and I sagged back against him for a second, wheezing. The wind had been knocked right out of me.

  My hands settled on my stomach... right on top of his, which were holding me tightly. My breath made a sudden appearance and caught tightly in my throat as I registered the fact that his arms were wrapped snugly around my waist, my back pressed to his chest. I looked down, hiding beneath the tangle of blonde hair that had fallen free during the doggie rodeo, and noted that those forearms of his were solid and corded with muscle.

  They were lickable. I had a hard time catching my breath again, but it had nothing to do with being knocked over.

  “It’s fine. I’m fine.” Clearing my throat, I pushed forward, extricating myself from Alex’s arms. I didn’t really want to, but I didn’t know what else to do.

  “You sure you’re okay?” His voice was gruff, and I knew that I wasn’t the only one affected by the touch. I brushed the hair out of my eyes and snuck a peek up at him.

  “More than.” My voice was breathy, and I mentally cringed. Could I be any more obvious?

  His eyes swept over me in that unnerving way that he had, lingering for a fraction of a second on my breasts. I looked down and saw that my tank had been pulled further down than normal, and I flushed as I nonchalantly tried to pull it back into place.

  “Still want to play with these hooligans?” The dogs thumped their tails as Alex cast them a stern look. I couldn’t hold back a giggle as he tried to suppress a grin and couldn’t quite manage it.

  “Wow. They’re clearly terrified of you.” Though my heart was still racing from the feel of his arms around me, I squatted down in front of the dogs. One was stocky and solid, dark brown with white markings. The other looked a bit like pictures I’d seen of dogs that pulled sleds in Alaska, with brilliant blue eyes.

  “The husky mix is a male named Cuda. The one built like a tank is Macey.” Macey rolled her eyes my way and assumed a mournful demeanor before delicately licking my cheek. “She’s my special girl.”

  Macey wagged her tail as Alex spoke, then, clearly unable to hold herself back any longer, leapt on him. I watched with surprise and delight as the big, bad Alex Blackthorn hunkered down to give the dog a firm butt rub.

  I bit my lip and wondered if it was horrible that I kinda wished I was in the dog’s place.

  “Well, who’d have thought?” I spoke a bit more loudly than I needed to, hoping to mask the flip flopping of my heart in my chest. Alex looked up from Macey for a second to cast me a halfway goofy grin.

  “What’s that?” He reached into his hoodie pocket and withdrew two dog biscuits. He offered them to Macey and Cuda as he stood, brushing his hands off on his jeans.

  “Alex Blackthorn, the boy with the tattoos who always comes to class late, is a total softie.” My heart thumped as I teased him, but somehow I knew that with him, I could. I could be playful and wouldn’t be punished in any way.

  Even when his eyes darkened and my pulse skittered in my veins, I felt safe. Nervous, overly warm and edgy...but safe.

  “A softie?” His voice was playfully mocking as he stepped towards me, the whisper of a smile on the corners of his lips. I swallowed as he came close enough that I could feel his breath misting across the top of my head. I lifted my head, looked up wide eyed, and frantically wondered how it was that I, the girl who had never been aroused, was feeling wet and achy before he’d even touched me.

  He dipped his head and I ran my tongue over my lips. This was it, I thought. He’s going to kiss me. His lips came closer... closer...

  “When it comes to these big dopey dogs, you’re absolutely right.” The words were warm against my ear. I snapped my head back, stepping back involuntarily with the movement, to find him smirking at me as I tried to catch my breath Damn it, he knew exactly what he was doing to me.

  I liked that he wasn’t into playing games either.

  “Shall we?” Pulling a short leash from his back pocket, he handed it to me, then extracted a second and attached it to Cuda’s collar. “Let’s give them some exercise before they knock you on your butt again.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” I tried not to sound disappointed, but oh, I’d wanted that kiss, wanted it more than I should have. He had a way of making me forget all the reasons I couldn’t get involved.

  “But if they do knock you down outside, do I get to help you wipe the dirt off your butt?”

  I turned to gape at him, not sure if I had heard correctly. He stood, framed by the doorway, the grin on his face telling me that he was joking... mostly.

  “Guy’s gotta try.” He smiled mischievously, shrugged, then held out his hand for mine. Hesitantly, I took it, savoring the sizzle I felt when our hands met.

  “Let’s go.”

  ***

  “That was fun.” I couldn’t hold back the grin as we left the shelter, pausing so that Alex could lock the building behind us. We’d thrown Frisbees for Cuda and Macey until my shoulders ached and I couldn’t lift the plastic disc even one more time. But it had been worth it to see the dogs have so much fun.

  “Was it really?” Alex shoved the key ring into his pocket, then cast a sidelong glance at me. He seemed almost nervous, as if my response was important.

  I was a bit taken aback that this beautiful boy cared what I thought. That he actually wanted to know if I’d had fun.

  “It was great.” Our arms brushed, and the heat that had dialed down to a simmer while we played with the dogs roared back to a full boil. “I—”

  I cut myself off, realizing that I’d been about to share a detail of my past with him. I furrowed my brow as I thought about it, then realized that I could share this with him.

  It didn’t have anything to do with my secret.

  “I’ve always wanted a dog. Like, since I knew what they were.” I smiled as I brushed dog hair off of my jean jacket.

  We paused at a crosswalk. He pressed a hand to the small of my back to urge me ahead of him when the light changed and I momentarily forgot what I was saying, the thought lost beneath the press of his fingers.

  “Go on.” He said. Our fingers brushed as we reached the other side of the street, but he didn’t take my hand in his, as he had earlier. Not sure what to do, I stuffed my hands in my pockets and after a moment, he did the same.

  “I asked for a dog on every birthday, right up until I was a teenager. Asked for one for Christmas. Even asked the tooth fairy once.” I laughed lightly, remembering the letter I’d penned in washable marker, on construction paper.

  “Do your parents not like dogs?” His voice was light, but I thought I heard a thread of tension behind it.

  “My parents have been divorced since I was a kid. I don’t know my dad. My mom would have let me get one, I think, if she’d had time to help me care for one. She worked a lot.” And I’d been responsible for myself at a very young age. I had been home a lot. Home by myself. “She remarried when I was twelve. My stepfather... he doesn’t like animals.”

  “I don’t know how anyone can not like animals.” Alex huffed out a breath. I peeked through the curtain of my hair to see a scowl marring the lines of his face. “All they want is a little care, a little love. In return they’ll give you everything.”

  My steps faltered. His description of animals wasn’t too far off of how I’d felt the last few years around my mother. All I wanted was for her to care for me—for her to be my mother—and I would have been the best teenager on the planet.

  Clearly that hadn’t worked out.

  Alex caught my arm, steadying me so my stumble didn’t turn into a fall. Before I could stuff my fingers back into my jeans pocket he took my hand in his, twining his fingers through mine, his thumb stroking the sensitive spot between my thumb and forefinger.

  My insides went liquid and I forgot why I was sad.

  He likely made every girl feel this way, all fluttery and hot. After all, I knew how his hands felt when they spanned the curve of
my waist, knew how his voice sounded when whispered low in my ear... but I really didn’t know him, the real him, at all.

  Right at that moment, I didn’t care. He chased the darkness away.

  “Which dorm are you in?”

  “MacKinnon.” I had to take two strides for his every one, but I noticed that he tried to keep his stride level with mine as we turned from the street onto the campus. “Which one do you live in?”

  I wondered if he would ask me to go back to his dorm with him.

  I wondered if I would say yes.

  “I live off campus.”

  I hadn’t been expecting that. Not a lot of students did, because the cost of living in downtown West Haven wasn’t cheap. “It’s just a couple of blocks away.”

  “Oh.” My eyes widened, though I tried to keep the surprise out of my voice. I was here on scholarship, and it still barely covered my living expenses. He was a football player and might have a bigger one. Or the shelter might pay really well.

  It wasn’t any of my business and I didn’t know him well enough to ask. I bit my tongue, and stayed silent until we’d crossed campus to where my dorm stood.

  “Thank... thank you for a fun night.” I smiled up at him shyly. Since I’d never been on a date, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do right now, so I just told him the truth. “I liked it. Really.”

  He said nothing, instead staring down at my lips, my smile. Though I knew that he had snuck past my guard, had made me want things that I didn’t have any business wanting, I still felt overwhelmed by the urge to grab him, to pull him close to me and to never let go.

  “I’m glad.” I couldn’t have missed the intent in his voice. My nails dugs into my palms as the silence between us stretched out, thick and heavy.

  “Well. Um. Goodnight.” I turned towards the neon lights of the dorm, a stone settling in the pit of my belly.

  “Serena.” Alex’s voice was raspy, and it was exactly what I had been waiting for. I looked back over my shoulder, my heart in my throat.

  “Yes?” I whispered.

  “I want to kiss you.”

  My skin suddenly felt too tight. He stood beside a battered old car, his hands stuffed into his pockets, the streetlights casting a buttery glow over his face. He wasn’t reaching for me, instead waiting for my consent.

  He couldn’t have known how important that was to me.

  He was beautiful. He could have had any girl he wanted, yet he was asking me if he could kiss me.

  “May I?” His face was solemn. Longing was an ache in my belly as I nodded, jerkily. And then he closed the distance between us, placed his hands on my waist the same way he had while we were dancing, and dipped his head down.

  All the wondering about whether or not he was into me flew from my head as he slowly pressed his lips to mine. I had thought he would crush me to him, would devour me with his kiss, but he was slow and in control.

  It was no less hot. His hands slid around to splay over my lower back as he tasted my lips with excruciating slowness. My breath caught and I curled my fingers around his upper arms, right where his tattoos lay hidden beneath the soft leather.

  Even through the thickness of the jacket I could feel the iron of his muscles, a hardness that spoke of something beyond football practice. I moaned softly into his mouth as my fingers danced, exploring up to his shoulders, his neck.

  He made a sound deep in his throat, before backing me slowly against the parked car. I felt the chill of the metal seep through my jacket and my shirt, as he finally closed the last inch of space between us, pressed his body against mine, and deepened the kiss.

  “Oh.” I parted my lips beneath the warm swipe of his tongue. I’d kissed with my tongue before, but never like this, never like I was being savoured.

  An unfamiliar heat surged between my legs, and I felt the tips of my breasts pucker as they brushed against his chest. He wasn’t doing any more than kissing me, his hands still roaming the expanse of my back, but I felt my breath coming faster, harder.

  “Is this okay?” With excruciating slowness he moved his hand from my back, across the stripes of my ribcage, and over to... oh man.

  His large palm cupped my breast, over my tank but inside of my jacket and sweater. His thumb strummed over my nipple and I choked out a gasp against his lips, my hips pressing forward into his own.

  “Serena.” His pelvis arched into me in response for one, long, satisfying second, and then he pulled back entirely, breaking the kiss, a groan escaping his lips as he did.

  I could still feel the hardness of his need pressing into my stomach, the skin there sensitive and overly aware from the touch. There was a quick flash of self preservation in which I wondered if this was wise.

  It wasn’t, I knew it wasn’t, but by this point I didn’t care.

  My head swam as I tried to get some sense of my bearings back. I vibrated with need, wanting his lips on mine again.

  He gave them to me, but in the form of a short, sweet, frustrating kiss.

  “Night, Serena.” His hands moved to my hips, squeezed gently, then pushed me towards the dorm. Dazed, I did as he urged, walking the short distance across asphalt to the front door.

  I only snuck one quick glance back over my shoulder, once I’d reached the glass door that had been smudged by a thousand fingerprints.

  He was still leaning against the battered car, his arms crossed as he watched me—protectively?

  I shivered. The look on his face was of restrained need... and it said clearly that he had claimed me as his.

  He waited until I was inside the building, looking back through the glass door, before he pushed off the dented metal and walked away, hands stuffed into his pockets. He left me pondering what it felt like to have someone watching out for my well being.

  I was pretty sure that I liked it.

  Chapter Four

  Though she wasn't there when I went to sleep, the next morning I woke to Kaylee lying flat on her back on the bed, her feet in the air. She was painting her toenails a sparkly green, and she swung them over the side of the bed when I opened my eyes, disregarding the fact that they were shiny and wet.

  “I haven’t seen you for like, two days!” She squealed and bent to pry the twists of toilet paper out from between her toes. With a little butt wiggle, she bounced the few steps to where I slept and seated herself cross legged at the foot of the bed, staring up at me expectantly.

  “Yes?” I drew the word out as I raked fingers through my sleep snarled hair, propping myself up on my elbows. Despite the fact that she liked to party, Kaylee was an early riser¸ and entirely too perky about it.

  It was difficult to face her before eleven, and even more so without coffee.

  To distract those laser beam bright eyes from their focus on me, I made a show of yawning. “Do we have any instant coffee left?”

  “Yep.” As I’d predicted, my Energizer Bunny of a best friend hopped off the bed and moved to the kettle that sat on our shared dresser. We tried to keep it filled with tap water so we could have tea and the not-so fabulous instant coffee that at least provided a jolt of caffeine, though Kaylee bitched about it every single time.

  I sat the rest of the way up in bed, rubbing sleep from my eyes and finger combing my hair into a loose braid. I watched blearily as Kaylee scooped brown granules into my mug, then a scoop of powdered skim milk, then boiling water.

  “I don’t know how you can drink this without sugar.” She wrinkled her nose as she brought me the mug. “It’s nasty enough even with it.”

  “Not all of us are naturally svelte.” I made a face at her as I accepted the mug. Kaylee, I knew, had never worked out a day in life and loved cheesecake, pasta, and French fries from McDonald’s. It was hard to be mad at her about it when she constantly bemoaned the fact that my boobs were bigger than hers. “Thanks.”

  “Now that that diversionary tactic is over with,” She plopped back down on my bed in the exact place she’d been before I’d requested coffee. �
��Where’d you go the night of the party? And what was up with that guy you were dancing with? Who is he? Is he a student? He was sexy as fuck!”

  “Whoa, Nelly.” I held up a hand against the onslaught, even as guilt washed over me. I shouldn’t have left her at the party, even if she was hanging out with Joel. Not very best friend-y of me

  Figuring I needed the caffeine to get me through the grand inquisition, I gulped at the liquid, hissing when it seared my tongue.

  Kaylee huffed with impatience as I stuck my tongue out, trying to cool it.

  “I’m sorry.” Once I could speak, I bit my lip and looked up at her. “I shouldn’t have left you alone.”

  Kaylee huffed out an impatient breath, then stole my cup for a sip.

  “Yuck. Why do we buy this shit?” Even though she proclaimed disgust, she chugged half the mug of watery coffee. “And that’s not the part I’m so interested in. I was with Joel. He doesn’t drink, you know that. I was fine.”

  “And how is that going?” I didn’t really have any hope of distracting her for any length of time, but any extra second I could get was golden. I didn’t know what I was thinking or feeling about Alex myself, let alone how to put it into words for someone else.

  Kaylee rolled her eyes. “After I’d had a few too many sips of that punch, we made out. He groped my boobs a bit, which was great, and then started in on the true love crap.”

  I hid a smile behind the mug as I drained it, then pulled a pillow to my lap and wrapped my arms around it. Joel and Kaylee had been on and off for over two years. He was a nice guy, but he wanted to get serious—like engagement ring serious—which skeeved Kaylee right the hell out.

  “So. The hottie.” Reaching over, she drummed her fingers on my knees, then, apparently deciding they were boring compared to her toes, reached for a bottle of metallic purple polish that clashed horribly with the glittery green and began to stroke it onto her fingernails.

  “Well... what do you want to know?” I shifted uncomfortably on the bed. Kaylee squeaked when I jostled the bottle of polish, grabbing it before it could spill all over my navy bedspread.