Love Me For Me

by Lauren Hawkeye

  “What’s wrong?” I jolted, then stood as she slammed the door shut behind us. She faced me, her hands tugging distractedly on her ponytail.

  “Your mom’s here.” Her words were like a blow to my gut. My mouth fell open, and my mind rejected the notion.

  My mom had only visited me at school once before, which was when Kaylee had met her.

  It hadn’t ended well.

  “Are you sure?” I clenched my hands into fists.

  “Like, ninety-nine percent.” Kaylee bobbed her head nervously. “She—aah—made quite an impression last time she was here.”

  That was putting it nicely. The last time Felicity had visited, Kaylee had barely turned away before my mother had commented on my best friend’s ‘sexual appetite’, simply because Kaylee had mentioned in passing that she was going on dates—first dates—with two different boys that weekend.

  She’d been hurt, I knew, though she’d never have told me so.

  “Is she alone?” Frantically, I began to strip off the dress that Kaylee had loaned me, which I had pulled on when Alex had driven me back to campus. Kaylee grabbed a pair of jeans and one of my usual tank tops and flannel shirts from my closet and tossed them at me.

  “As far as I know.”

  I hissed a breath out through my teeth as I hitched the jeans up over my hips. Kaylee couldn’t have known how important it was for me to know that.

  “Serena.”

  I was feeling so frantic as I tugged my tank top over my head, it took a moment for me to register the horror in Kaylee’s voice. Furrowing my brow, I followed her stare down.

  She was staring at the silver scars that striped my upper arms. I’d always made sure to confine my cuts there, because it was easy for me to hide them.

  “Oh.” I stared back at her. I didn’t know what to say.

  The knock I’d been waiting for sounded. I snapped my lips shut, tore my gaze from Kaylee’s, and slid into my flannel shirt. I buttoned it up to the top with fingers that were suddenly clumsy.

  Before I reached for the door, I pulled the elastic band from my hair, loosening my ponytail so that my hair fell down around my face.

  I didn’t want to open that door.

  She was my mother. I didn’t have a choice.

  Slowly, dread making my fingers thick and stupid, I opened the heavy door to the room I shared with Kaylee. She had been right—it was my mother.

  “Serena.” Felicity looked me up and down quickly, and when she sniffed I knew I’d been found wanting. “I came to take you to lunch.”

  My fingers clutched at the top button of my shirt. It was on the tip of my tongue to refuse, but I still clung to the wild hope that Felicity might come to her senses, might realize I’d been telling the truth all along.

  “All right.” Mechanically, I turned. My bank card, identification and a handful of bills lay on my bedside table; I shoved them in the pocket of my jeans.

  “Hi, Mrs. Baker.” Kaylee would have sounded friendly enough to anyone who didn’t know her; as close as I’d been to her the last two years, I could hear the hint of stiffness in her voice. “Nice to see you again.”

  I wrinkled my nose. I hated hearing the woman who had given birth to me addressed by Bob’s last name. I shouldn’t have cared, really—it was a tiny detail in the massive mess that was my life.

  Felicity didn’t answer, instead sniffing to show her disdain. When I turned around again, I saw that her gaze had fallen on Alex’s suit jacket, which I’d worn home and now lay at the foot of my bed.

  My face flamed, and though I read the aggressive challenge in her eyes, I pressed my lips together.

  No way was I telling this woman about Alex. He was too new... too special.

  I wasn’t going to taint what I had with him with the darkness that was my family.

  “I’m ready.”

  Felicity gestured at the door with a jerk of her head, then sailed out herself. I followed her trim, black clad figure with my eyes before glancing back at Kaylee.

  She collapsed onto her bed helplessly. I nodded, feeling halfway dead inside, before following Felicity out of the room.

  She was waiting for me in the hall.

  “I saw a coffee shop in the next building. Let’s go there.” Her voice was stiff. I shook my head vehemently before I could even think about it.

  “No.” That coffee shop was Daily Grind, where I had gone with Alex the day we’d met. No way was I going there with Felicity.

  She raised her eyebrows at me, not at all impressed.

  “Their stuff is lousy.” I looked down at my feet, clad in flip flops that I’d slid into at the last minute. The glitter of my nail polish seemed to wink at me, a reminder of last night and how happy I’d been.

  Stupid as that little detail was, it bolstered my courage.

  “There’s a little cafe right around the corner, Felicity. It’s simple, but decent. Let’s go there.” My voice was tight. After a moment in which she looked at me with narrow eyes—probably because she wasn’t used to me taking control—Felicity nodded once, curtly.

  “All right.” She resumed her brisk walk, leaving me to follow behind like a clumsy puppy out of my dorm building and all the way to the cafe.

  “Here?” She barely repressed the curl of her lip as she looked up at the cafe sign, which was only slightly faded by the sun.

  Kaylee and I came here regularly. The food was cheap, but good, and the coffee was strong.

  “It’s fine, Felicity.” I snapped as I stalked ahead of her, the rubber of my flip flops slapping against the soles of my feet. The bells on the glass door jingled as I pushed through, and though I kinda wanted to slam it in her face, I held it open long enough for her to catch.

  I didn’t bother to ask where she wanted to sit. For once, I found myself past the need for her approval. I selected a booth at random and slid into it.

  When she joined me, I saw a flicker of surprise on her face. I supposed I should have felt vindicated, that I could affect her in some way, but instead I felt weary.

  I had spent so long waiting for some kind of empathy from this woman, I couldn’t find it in me to care.

  A waitress brought us glasses of iced water, and I sipped at mine while Felicity ordered a coffee. When the waitress left and I could feel Felicity’s eyes on me, judging me, I switched from drinking my water to playing with the paper packets of sweetener that sat in the middle of the table.

  I didn’t speak. She would—I knew—I just had to wait for it.

  “I didn’t care for how our last conversation ended.” Felicity started, her voice snippy. When I looked up I saw the disapproving set to her mouth.

  I wanted to scream. I didn’t want to be a stereotype, didn’t want to hate my mother, but every word that came out of her mouth hurt me.

  I was sick of it.

  “I didn’t either.” Instead of looking down, as I normally would, I looked right back at her, right into eyes that were the exact same color as my own, the color of ice. Her lips parted with what I imagined was a hint of surprise.

  “You’ve gotten quite the attitude lately.” She paused as the waitress brought her coffee. Pursing her lips, Felicity peeled back the lid from a tiny container of creamer with perfectly manicured mauve nails, grimacing when the cream splashed onto the table.

  I didn’t answer, my fingers instead straying the hair surrounding my face. A piece of it was lodged behind my ear, and I untucked it so that it swung in a curtain over my cheek.

  “Why don’t you ever make an effort with your appearance, Serena?” Felicity made a clucking sound, reaching across the table to tuck the tendrils behind my ear again. I flinched away from her touch, shaking the strands back into my face. “You used to be such a pretty girl.”

  I used to be innocent, too. My thoughts were a scream, but I knew better that to give them a voice.

  I’d tried that. It didn’t work.

  “Some people think I’m pretty just like this.” My words were matter of fac
t, but my thoughts strayed to Alex.

  The expression on his face when he first saw me in my dress last night lifted my spirits and gave me courage.

  I heard the harsh exhale of my mother’s breath. She hated it most when I was calm, reasonable. I think it made her feel like she wasn’t affecting me at all, like I wasn’t listening.

  I was listening, all right. And every time she disappointed me, every time she continued acting the way she had since I was fifteen and it had all started, the more it sliced at me like a razor blade.

  “Why are you here, Felicity?” My voice was quiet. She didn’t deny that she had a reason.

  “Why don’t you ever come home for a visit?” She drummed those beautifully manicured nails on the laminated tabletop, and the sound scraped across my eardrums. “Your schoolmates from high school, they all go home to visit their families. It doesn’t look right.”

  “Whatever will the neighbors think,” I murmured, shocked that I’d said the words out loud for once. Felicity reared back as though I’d slapped her and I shook my head a fraction.

  “You know why I won’t come home.” I looked her directly in the eye. I saw the flicker that told me she knew what I was referring to, but I also saw the anger.

  With a sinking heart, I saw that she still thought I was lying.

  “Bob misses you,” she finally said, her voice accusatory. Something thick and hot slithered down to coat the inside of my throat, making it hard for me to breathe.

  The way she’d said it—Bob misses you. It implied both that she didn’t, and that I was behaving badly towards my stepfather.

  “He’s your father. You owe it to him to visit.” Her words infuriated me, and when I spoke, my voice was a furious hiss.

  “He is not my father.” I spat the words, and could hear the venom dripping from them. I had never known my real father, might have welcomed a real substitute, but it would be a cold day in hell when I acknowledged Bob as a parent.

  This was the point in our meetings where I would usually tune out, nodding like an automaton just to get through.

  I didn’t know what had changed, but I was done.

  “Felicity, I can’t do this anymore.” I laid my palms flat on the table, enjoying the coolness against my suddenly slick palms.

  “Can’t do what?” Felicity rolled her eyes and finally deigned to take a small sip of her coffee. I studied her as she did, this woman from whom I had come from.

  Same pale eyes, same golden hair. That was all that I could find of myself in her.

  It made me sick that I was glad.

  Mechanically, I stood. When I looked at her, at the woman who had failed to protect me, I felt as though a thick wall of glass had slid into place between us, diffusing her effect on me.

  “I can’t do this with you anymore. I can’t pretend.” Digging in my pocket, I pulled out a five dollar bill, to cover her coffee and the waitress’ time.

  I looked at the stranger who should have been my mother.

  I felt numb.

  “Until you believe me, I can’t do this.”

  Felicity’s mouth fell open as I turned away from her, and I had a quick impression of her sputtering into her cup. Part of me, the part who had once thought dandelions were flowers and had picked bouquets of them just for her, wanted to run back, to throw myself into her arms.

  Wanted to take back every word I’d said in the last five years, just to make her my mother again.

  “Is it the boy whose jacket is on your bed? Is that why you’re acting this way?” She shouted after me. And though it twisted my heart to hear her even speak of Alex, though I wanted to turn back and tell her that he was the best thing in my life, I swallowed the words down.

  “Are you spending time with too many boys again, Serena?”

  I’d been forced into adulthood before I was ready. Adults stuck to their word, and I’d said I was leaving. So I pushed on, out of the coffee shop and back to campus. Back across the grass, and back into my dorm room.

  There, even though Kaylee sat on her bed watching me with concern, even though I hated being vulnerable in front of anyone... there I did something that I hadn’t done in years.

  I curled up under the covers in my bed, huddled into the fetal position, and cried.

  ***

  “Serena.” I heard Kaylee’s voice as if in a dream, and snaked a hand out above the covers to bat it away. Though I wasn’t quite awake, I still knew that I was miserably unhappy, and I wanted to wallow in that dark place.

  Alone.

  “Serena.” Kaylee’s voice became more insistent. Scowling, I shoved the covers back, blinking when I discovered the late afternoon light streaming in through the window.

  And I remembered. I’d had the best night of my life, and then Felicity had shown up. I’d cried into my pillow, great sobs that wracked my entire body, and then I must have drifted off.

  “Ugh.” Slowly, I sat up. Kaylee was sitting on the edge of her bed, two cardboard bowls in her lap. “What time is it?”

  “Supper time.” Reaching across the small space that divided our beds, she handed me one of the bowls. It was full of creamy white goodness, and my mouth watered even as my hand tried to shove it back at her.

  “I can’t eat this.” I heard the longing in my own voice. A bunch of empty calories sounded just perfect right at that moment.

  She smiled thinly at me and scooted back on her own bed, digging into her own bowl with a plastic spoon.

  “Seriously, Kaylee, I can’t. Thank you, but if I eat this I won’t be able to button up my jeans tomorrow.”

  “You’re going to run it off anyway.” She rolled her eyes at me, and I threw a pillow at her. “Besides, are you really going to waste birthday cake flavored ice cream with gummy bears and sprinkles?”

  “Damn it.” I looked down at the bowl in my hand. It looked fabulous. And though I knew she wasn’t going to bring it up, Kaylee was showing that she was my friend, trying to cheer me up.

  “Screw it.” I heaped my spoon high with ice cream and shoved it into my mouth. The sweetness coated my tongue and I moaned. “Oh my God, this is amazing.”

  “I know, right?” Kaylee spoke around a full mouth. “Every time Joel and I break up I sneak off and eat an entire pint. By myself.”

  “Like you’d ever know it.” I snorted. Kaylee was naturally slim, and I’d pay for this ice cream next time I went for a run. But right at that moment, it just felt good to let go of my rigid control, to let loose, and let a friend share my burden.

  It’s not like she’d brought me acid or weed to help me feel better, after all. It was just a bowl of ice cream.

  My phone vibrated when I was nearing the end of my bowl, and I reached for it one handed

  Whatcha wearing?

  I snorted out a laugh at the new text from Alex, which made Kaylee cock her head questioningly.

  “It’s from Alex.” Though Felicity’s parting words rang in my ears, I tried not to let the memory sink the feelings that Kaylee had buoyed with a bowl full of vanilla and gummy bears.

  “Ooh, are you sexting?” She teased. Though I knew she was joking, since the Serena she knew would never do such I thing, I flushed, and she hooted, shoving another mouth full of ice cream into her mouth.

  “Go Serena!”

  I mock glared at her as I typed my reply, one handed.

  Since I’m sure you meant to ask what I’m doing, I’ll answer that one instead. I’m eating a bowl full of empty calories with Kaylee.

  The response was quick.

  If you come over, I’ll get to see what you’re wearing for myself. PS: I’ll help you burn some of those calories off.

  Warmth surged throughout me. The memory of last night—well, the part before I’d freaked out—made dampness gather between my legs, and I squirmed on the bed.

  “Whatever he’s offering in that text, I want some.” Kaylee emptied her bowl with a loud scraping of the spoon on the bottom, then tossed it into the small wastebasket that
sat between our beds. “And since I don’t want to torture you any more than you’ve already been today, I’ll leave you be.”

  I looked up from my phone as she shrugged into a bright pink hoodie.

  “Kaylee?”

  She turned, her hand on the door.

  “Yo.” She looked back over her shoulder, and though she was full of bravado, as usual, I could see the concern written on her face.

  I could still hear the horror echoing through her voice as she saw the scars on my arms. I’d have to tell her something... sometime.

  “Thanks.” I offered a tentative smile. She smiled at me then, a crooked grin that somehow seemed more vulnerable than she usual came across.

  “Life sucks sometimes.” Her voice was flippant, but I heard the thread of seriousness that ran beneath it. “I know that better than you might think.”

  And then she was gone, leaving me alone.

  Except I wasn’t alone.

  My fingers flew over my text keys and I couldn’t hold back the shiver of anticipation.

  I’ll be there in five minutes.

  Chapter Nine

  ‘This is not what I thought you meant by burning off those calories.” Dubiously I eyed the weighted black bag that was suspended from the ceiling in Alex’s spare room. I’d given it a little practice shove, and it was really damn heavy.

  “What did you think I meant?” Alex unzipped his hoodie, then turned and gave me a grin that told me he knew exactly what I’d thought. His T-shirt clung to the fuzzy inside of his hoodie and gave me a quick glimpse of his abs before it fell down again, and I felt myself warming all over.

  If I was going to get all sweaty, I could think of a more fun way to do it than by punching a bag. And didn’t that show progress on my part, that I could think dirty thoughts and not immediately chastise myself.

  “So what do I do?” I shook my hair out of my face impatiently. I already had the gloves on my hands, and couldn’t pull it back myself.

  “Let me do that.” Rummaging in his jeans pocket for a second, Alex withdrew a plain black hair elastic—my hair elastic, I realized.

  “You left this here last night.”