Feel Me Fall

by James Morris

  My mind drifted. If I make it back, I’m not sure I want to go back to school. If I make it back, maybe I’ll just get my GED.

  Then I caught myself.

  If I make it back.

  If, not when.

  That wasn’t positive thinking. I didn’t know when the shift occurred, but it had to stop. It had to stop now. If I was drifting, I could only imagine the state Viv was in.

  I forced conversation. I forced normality.

  “Viv, what’s your favorite video game?”

  She looked at me as if she hadn’t heard me correctly.

  “Seriously,” I added.

  “I don’t like video games. Not anymore.”

  “But you used to love them.”

  “I used to love a lot of things, Em.”

  She turned and went back to her thousand-yard-stare. I couldn’t let her drift away.

  “C’mon, there’s gotta be at least one. BioShock. Maybe Call of Duty?”

  “I think of all the time, all those hours I spent playing, it’s like a whole part of my life was wasted. Time I won’t get back.”

  “What about all the turd-trucks out there? The frig-balls? All the people you made fun of? You laughed about those things. You had fun.” I wanted to tell her how much I needed her to smile. For both our sakes. One smile, Viv. Please.

  “It’s funny,” she said, her face numb. “I can’t remember that now.”

  We finally bunked for the night. Two bamboo beds. One for Molly and me, the other for Derek and Viv. It was odd to have our beds in the middle of a road. Even though I knew we were completely remote, I couldn’t help but envision an eighteen-wheeler rumbling over the hill, flattening us. The last thing I’d see before thinking gee, we’re saved would be its bright lights blinding me.

  I’d lost count of how many nights we’d slept in the jungle. I knew it was important to remember, for to stop counting was to give up hope. But there was something terrible about keeping track of misery. It felt like being held hostage, and in a way we were.

  Maybe our journey really was our forty days and forty nights in the desert, as Nico had said. But if I was tempted by the Devil, I’m not so sure I’d be able to resist.

  As Derek finished piecing the bed together, Viv said, “I don’t think we would’ve survived without you.”

  “That’s true,” I said.

  “Maybe I missed my calling,” he joked.

  He lay down on the bed, his face to the night sky. “Look at those stars. I’ve been in some far out places. But damn. You couldn’t count ‘em all if you wanted to. It’s like the more you look, the more you see.”

  Viv reached up and grabbed into the empty air. “They look so close, it’s like you could almost touch them.”

  “Do you see one you like?” Derek asked.

  “I like ‘em all.”

  “Pick one.”

  Viv searched the sky. “That one.”

  “Where?”

  His hand followed hers up in the sky where their hands came together. “That one,” she said. “The flickering one over there.”

  “It’s yours, then.”

  While I thought her interaction with Derek was slightly creepy, at least she was talking like a normal person.

  Molly said, “You can’t just give her a star.”

  “There’s more than enough for you. Pick one. You, too, Em. They’re ours for the taking.” He paused, enjoying the view. “I never look at stars in L.A. But they’re always there, you know?”

  I said to Derek, “Which one is yours?”

  He pointed. “The one right next to Viv’s.”

  I couldn’t tell the difference. One twinkling light looked like any other. I turned my head to the side, feeling the slats of bamboo under my body and I succumbed to the dark. Derek was still stargazing and the last thing I heard before falling asleep was his voice. “It’s weird,” he said, “but I’m gonna miss this place.”

  Chapter 24

  In the hospital, my mind keeps spinning and I stand to look out the window. I don’t know what I expect to find. An answer? A sign? I open the blinds and it’s dark outside. The occasional car drives past, the streetlights are on, and it’s quiet. The businesses surrounding the hospital are closed, a few windows with squares of light, and I think of what people are doing up at this hour. In the sky there are only a handful of stars, dim from light pollution, so many galaxies hidden. I try to find Viv and Derek’s stars.

  I woke first. It was still early, given the position of the sun in the sky, and the jungle continued with its madhouse of noise. I sat up in bed, the bamboo creaking beneath me, and sensed movement nearby.

  I turned and my breath stopped.

  In the middle of the road was a lone jaguar. I’d seen pictures in books, one or two at the zoo, but to see one only a few yards away, in the wild, not enclosed by a cage, was both majestic and frightening. Covered in dark spots over a brown coat, it looked like an immense house cat. It was lean and muscular, an apex predator, built for speed and power. Its dark eyes gazed into mine and I sensed its presence. There was a consciousness behind those eyes. It stayed looking at me, and I stayed absolutely still. Around me, Viv, Derek, and Molly slept, and I wondered if I should try to wake them.

  The jaguar slunk lower and moved one large paw at a time towards me. It never looked away.

  I stayed statue-still and wondered if this is how my story would end.

  The animal moved closer and closer, every inch seeming like hours. My concentration never broke.

  Soon it was three yards away, then two, then one.

  The jaguar was almost right in front of me. So close, I could lift a hand and pet it if I tried. Its broad head was built like an anvil, and though he never opened his mouth, not to lick or pant, I knew a row of teeth lined his powerful jaws. If he wanted to attack me, there was nothing I could do. Absolutely nothing. He was the Amazon’s perfect killer, and I was at the mercy of his power.

  He was a stunning creature. This close, his markings didn’t look like spots, but like black butterflies tattooed onto fur. He seemed to look into me, and I felt the same about him. How long we gazed at each other, I can’t say. Seconds? Minutes?

  I should’ve been scared; I should’ve wanted to scream, but I had the oddest sensation of letting go. I had been through enough. I was tired of being scared. I gazed right back, not with any intention other than I am here, I mean you no harm.

  His ear flicked, and then as if hearing something far away, he turned and swiftly loped off. He barely made a sound. One second he was there and the next he shot away into the jungle. I reached out in the empty air right where the jaguar had been. Right there. I didn’t even need to straighten my arm.

  I thought of waking Viv and the rest of them to share what had happened, but I feared they wouldn’t believe me. Or maybe I wanted to keep the experience for myself. I would be all right. Somehow I knew this on a deep, spiritual level. I could face anything. I had faced Death. I wondered if they would’ve had the same outcome.

  After the encounter, I waited for the rest of them to wake at their own pace. With the sunlight hitting their faces, it wasn’t long before they were up, stretching, using the bathroom, and preparing to head out.

  I tried again to make conversation. “How’d you sleep?”

  Viv and Molly looked at me like how do you think?

  Derek said, “Great. Never better.”

  We walked down the road, and it was faster than walking through the jungle. Just a straight line, sometimes hilly, but easier than cutting through growth and watching where you stepped. Even the mosquitoes weren’t as bad.

  “Derek,” I said, trying to keep things positive, “who was your favorite comic-book character?”

  “Why?”

  “I was trying to see if my guess was right.”

  “I’m not really into comic books, so your guess is as good as mine.”

  “I was gonna say Tarzan.”

  “Tarzan? The yodeler in the j
ungle? I’m disappointed, Em. Too easy.” But a few steps later he added, “Now that you mention it….” He took in his surroundings. “Yeah, I can see it.”

  Molly asked, “Who would be your Jane?”

  “You mean of you three?”

  “As if we’d let you,” Molly replied. “I mean of anyone.”

  “Who needs a Jane, anyway? Not when there’s a Viv.”

  I saw the slightest smile from Viv. At least it was something.

  In the morning haze, Derek broke into song, singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-A.” I was glad to see him in such good spirits. The jungle energized him, and we needed his energy; we fed off it. So did Viv. She didn’t seem to respond to me anymore, but Derek’s song was infectious and she sang the chorus.

  “C’mon, everyone!” he said, his hands out like a conductor. “My oh my, what a wonderful day!”

  I didn’t join in as it was a shade too close to Nico singing marching chants.

  Viv said, “You should’ve been singing ‘Follow the Yellow Brick Road.’”

  “You’re right, but it’s not yellow.”

  “Muddy.” Viv snapped her fingers, the most animated I’d seen her since Nico’s death. “Follow the Muddy Brown Road.”

  “Genius! That’s it!” Derek took to changing the words from ‘yellow’ to ‘muddy’ and continued to sing. No one knew the rest of the lyrics until they picked up again near “We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz.” Against all reason, I joined in and somehow found myself hopping and skipping. Maybe it’s exactly what we needed. Pure release, pure silliness. If a rescue plane spotted us, we would’ve made quite the scene.

  Viv stopped singing. “Wait, that doesn’t work. Who are we seeing? Not the Wizard.”

  Derek thought. “A native of ‘Zon, like the Amazon?”

  Viv sang it aloud, testing it; “We’re off to see the native of ‘Zon, the wonderful native of ‘Zon.” She shrugged, as if to say it’s not perfect, but it’ll do, and she and Derek led the song. It was horrible karaoke, but lovely to see. We all sang, and it was the first time we were all smiling. I chalked it up to loopiness, lack of sleep and total absurdity, but Derek seemed genuinely happy.

  The trees were our audience and we sang and sang until we grew tired and fell into that awkward silence after laughter. For a long time it was just us and the road, our feet hitting dirt, rising and falling, the four of us never straying very far. Like the mother’s warning in “Little Red Riding Hood,” we stayed on the road, happy to never enter the jungle again. Though the terrain never altered, a road gave the illusion of going somewhere.

  That’s when we stopped in our tracks.

  No one spoke. I think we all thought it was a mirage.

  Ahead of us, there was a man, a man wearing a shirt and shorts. He carried a small, dead boar over his shoulder and his free hand held a wooden spear. He was about a city block away, walking.

  Derek asked, his voice barely audible, “Do you see what I see?”

  We were scared to believe. I was terrified. There is something indescribable at finally getting what you want but fearing to touch it. I couldn’t take another disappointment. Not this close.

  I shot forward, but Derek grabbed me harshly. “What if he’s dangerous?”

  “He’s not.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because we’ve got nothing to lose.” I jerked free and ran towards the man, screaming, “Hey! Over here!” Viv and Molly followed, the three of us waving our hands. I have no idea what the man thought seeing us, three hysterical girls running towards him as Derek came up the rear.

  He stopped and turned, his hand tightening on the spear.

  As we approached, I saw that he was short and probably native. He had teak skin, his dark hair in a basic bowl-cut, and he had a weird juxtaposition of Western clothes while going barefoot. His shirt was red and emblazoned with the Coca-Cola logo, and his pants were green board shorts. Take away his boar and spear, and he could’ve been a surfer.

  I stopped a few feet away so as not to scare him. “English? Do you speak English?”

  He shook his head and spoke in a language I didn’t understand or recognize. If he looked surprised to see us, he didn’t act it.

  I did the clichéd American-speaking-to-a-foreigner and spoke slowly and loudly, while miming my movements. “Plane crash…we fell…from the sky….we need…help.”

  Seeing my hands as birdwings that fell, he nodded. He spoke calmly and seemed to understand and pointed far behind us, speaking about what I could only assume was the crash. He made a sound as if it was loud and mimed other planes in the area, even the spinning kind, which I think meant helicopters. He mimed boats, too, as he seemed to “row,” and people, as he put his hand near his eyes making circles that looked like binoculars.

  “People are looking for us?”

  The man nodded.

  Suddenly, Molly started to cry, which caused Viv to cry, and I felt tears on my face, too. We hadn’t been forgotten. We’d never been forgotten.

  I was overwhelmed with a mix of feelings. Joy and sadness, hope and loss, but most of all I felt alive. It was the happiest moment in my entire life.

  “Can…you…help…us?”

  He nodded and motioned for us to follow him. He pointed to the boar and rubbed his belly, and then pointed at our bellies. We were going to eat. We were going to a village. We were saved.

  Thank God, we were saved.

  Chapter 25

  The hideous turbulence stopped. My heart gradually fell back to a normal rhythm. Outside, the wings stayed flat. I released my hands from the armrests and my armpits were damp with sweat. Now that the flight was level, I felt stupid. The plane had always been flying; we hadn’t crashed; all was normal.

  I said to Johannes, “Is it always like this?”

  “No, that was definitely not the norm. Sorry this was your first. But wow, every time you fly after this, it’s gonna be a cakewalk.”

  “Who says I’m flying again?”

  “That’d be a shame.” He leaned in and whispered. “’Cause it means we couldn’t travel.” He smiled and I smiled and everything was going to be okay. “To be honest, that was the worst turbulence I’ve ever felt. I need a drink.” He pressed the Call Attendant button.

  “So you get a drink and I don’t?”

  “Aging has its perks. Seriously, thank god there was a barf bag nearby.”

  “Looking on your face, I never would’ve known.”

  “I couldn’t freak out if you were freaking out. I’m the one who talked you into it.” He looked past me and out the window. “The only thing that keeps me sane is thinking of what it was like for people back in the day who had to cross the ocean in boats. If they hit a storm, it might be days of them slopping all over. Can you imagine that? Days.” He shuddered and looked at the onboard map on the seatback in front of him. “Only a couple more hours. Think you can handle it?”

  “Two hours is doable.”

  Viv unbuckled her seatbelt and said, “I’m gonna use the bathroom. Stretch my legs.”

  Johannes watched as she walked down the aisle. When he was sure she was gone, he reached into his carry-on bag and pulled out a small book. It was thin, more a chapbook than a paperback, and he handed it to me.

  Longing For What Never Came

  The Collected Poems

  By Johannes DeKoning

  “These are yours?” I asked. “I didn’t know you wrote so many.”

  “It’s not like I’m a Poet Laureate. It’s self-published.”

  I ran my fingers over the spine, and then opened it up to the table of contents. There were about fifty titles listed. “What are you talking about? This is so cool. This is your work. You made this. It didn’t exist before.”

  He was touched. “It’s yours. I thought you might like it. But put it away before you-know-who comes back.”

  “I’d totally kiss you if I could.”

  “We have plenty of time.�
�� He winked.

  I asked him, “Can you autograph it?”

  He hesitated and then gave a why not? shrug. He pulled out a pen, paused and then wrote. Handing it back, he said, “It’s true.”

  It read: To Emily, my favorite student.

  “I better be,” I joked and nudged him. “And you’re my favorite teacher.” I put the poetry book back in my cross-body bag, and moments later Viv sat down.

  “Everybody else had the same idea,” she said. “Should’ve seen the line. What’d I miss?”

  I looked at the onboard map. “I think we flew about a quarter of an inch.”

  We followed the man. Molly and Viv and I hugged, our faces wet with tears. I’d never felt so happy. So relieved. So blessed. I had nothing in common with this man, not language or location, but I loved him. It was silly, but my love for him was greater than anything I’d ever experienced. All of creation radiated from him, pulsing with shockwaves of joy. He was the very center of the universe and I walked on a cloud of pure adoration.

  I grabbed Derek’s shoulder. “We’re going home. We’re going home!” I wanted to do cartwheels. Goodbye jungle, hello home! My body was about to burst; every nerve seemed to tingle, my pain receded to nothing; I felt alive. I shouted, “We’ve been rescued!”

  The man looked at me, curious, but when he saw my smile, he mimicked my shout: “Rescue!”

  I realized I never asked his name. I pointed to myself and said, “Emily. Em-I-Lee.”

  He repeated it.

  “Yes!” I pointed to each of us in turn. “Molly. Moll-Lee. Derek. Der-rick. And Viv.”

  He repeated each of their names, calling Viv “And Viv.” I didn’t correct him.

  I pointed at him. “What…is…your…name?”

  “Jacinto,” he said.

  “Jacinto.” I wanted to hug him but not knowing his traditions, I refrained. Instead, I gave a slight bow and a big smile. “Nice…to…meet…you…Jacinto.” Emotion needed no language; it was felt, and my smile was contagious.