by Amber Lacie
“I love you.”
“You keep saying that.” Dragging the toe of his black boot through the dust on the floor he turned to face me. “Why?”
“Because it’s true. Because you’re hurting, and I can’t fix it.”
“Arlo, don’t worry about me. I always hurt.”
“I know. Tell me how to fix it.”
“I can handle it.”
“But you can’t. What did you buy from Brenden?”
He stood perfectly still, staring at me. He was not going to tell me, and I needed to figure out another way into his head. I held out my hand for him. It took him a few minutes, but eventually he reached for me. I led him inside to his room and watched as he collapsed on the beanbag in the corner.
“You and me, we’re the same. You cry, I cry. You bleed, I bleed. Remember?”
“Quit saying that. It hasn’t worked for a while. Tell me why you quit.”
“Coach said my head wasn’t at practice, so she sent me home early and I called you. You didn’t come. You sent August.”
“I didn’t send him. He asked if he could pick you up. I was helping dad. We were getting along so I told August, ‘Sure.’ I know he likes you.”
“Then why are you mad that he kissed me?” Holding my hands up in front of me, I stopped him before he could reply. “Wait, I need to finish first. Anyway, August picked me up. I don’t know why it hit me all at once, but it did. I worry about you all the time. I have dreams where you just disappear, and I know if I had held onto you, I wouldn’t have lost you. I was talking to August about it and then we kind of kissed.”
“That fucker. He took advantage of you.” Hatred mixed with pain scratched against his words.
Turning my head to the side in confusion, I looked at Daniel. “No, he didn’t. I wanted him to kiss me. I like when he touches me. It’s not a bad thing.”
“Whatever. Say what you want. It still doesn’t explain why you quit.”
“Andrea saw me. I heard laughing and when I looked up, Corie and Andrea were clapping their hands. They saw everything. I tried to go after them because we both know Corie is going to blast it all over school, but then she told me you owed Brenden money. She called you a drug addict. She’s so cruel to everyone all the time. I normally ignore her, but not when it comes to you. You’re not a bad person. You’re not a drug addict. You’re my brother. I wasn’t going to let her stand there and make up lies. So, I decided I didn’t need them and I walked back to the car. That was that.” Pressing my fingers to my temple, I made soft circles as I tried to stop my impending headache.
“Arlo.”
His voice was soft, but I still snapped back at him. “What?”
“She’s not wrong. I already paid Brenden, but since I didn’t pay him on time, he says I owe him more. Fuck that. I’ll just go to someone else.”
“No. That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard you say. Don’t go to anyone. Just stop.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It is. Do you love me?”
Dark brown eyes stared at me from across the room. I know using his love for me against him was cruel, but I didn’t feel like I had a choice.
“Daniel, if you love me, you’ll stop. Now. Don’t you miss when we were best friends and we told each other everything?”
“More than you know.”
“Then quit.”
“Fine. But Arlo––I don’t want you seeing August anymore.”
The kick of his words to my ears was deafening. “Why?”
“He’s not right for you. I don’t trust him.”
“I don’t think that’s your decision to make.”
“It is if you want me to stop.”
My stomach sank, along with my heart, but I would do anything to help him. That night I promised Daniel I would not see August anymore. It was one of the hardest promises I ever made. It was even harder to keep, but I did it.
Any time August came over, I hid myself away in the house. He called me for a few weeks and I never returned one phone call. He tried stopping me in the hallways between classes, but I always pushed myself to keep walking. I found Daniel watching me a few times, his face always forlorn. I hope he knew how hard it was for me to go against everything that felt right.
Daniel and I finished out the school year with both of us making the honor roll at the end of the semester. The night of graduation dad took us out to dinner. It was a rare occasion when he would put aside the shop for us. As we enjoyed our steaks and warm dinner rolls, smiles and laughter was shared between all of us. The light in Daniel’s eyes shown so brightly, and I had all my hopes locked in his promise to me. It seemed he had turned his life around and I was so proud of him.
On the way home from dinner, dad let Daniel drive. I was sitting in the backseat singing loudly and off key to songs coming across the radio. Daniel kept shaking his head laughing at us as dad tried to sing along. He barely knew any of the words, but he tried.
As we turned into the driveway my breath caught in my throat. Two cars were parked in front of the garage. One belonging to August, the other was a white sedan with Nebraska plates. I wasn’t certain whom it belonged to, but I had my suspicions. Daniel slowly put the truck into park. Dad stepped out and looked at the screen door cracked open on the side of the house.
“You kids stay out here. Talk to August, play that shit you call music. I’ll get her to leave. Okay?”
Blood began to fill my mouth as I realized I was biting my cheek. I was trying to keep myself calm, holding back everything I wanted to say about the wicked woman we all knew was in the house. My brother and I looked at each other before stepping out of the car. Without saying a word, Daniel nodded towards August and walked away from us towards the end of the driveway. I took that action as permission to finally talk to August and put what happened behind us.
My heart jumped with every step I took towards him. His tall, lean frame was leaning against the garage.
“August––I’m sorry.”
“Me too. I should’ve known you would choose him. I’m not mad. He was in a bad place.”
“What do you mean I chose him?”
“He told me about your promise to him. I was pissed at first, but I think it might have worked.”
Looking back over my shoulder, I tried to make out Daniel’s shadow as he paced back and forth. “He’s better.”
“I know. He owes you a lot. Look, he knows why I’m here.”
I took a step closer letting the smell of sandalwood wrap around my mind. Confused, I asked the question that was warring through my brain. “Why are you here?”
“My dad called. He’s finally got a stable job and he wants me to come spend the summer with him in California. My mom and I talked it over, and she thinks I should go. I don’t want to go to college; it’s just not for me. If I go with him, it would give me a chance to spread my wings a bit. He says he knows this guy who works for a recording company. Maybe, if I can get them to listen to me sing, I can do what I’m meant to do.”
The ground fell from under my feet as I stood there, staring at the very first boy I’ve ever truly loved. “When do you leave?”
“Tomorrow.”
A hot, angry tear carved into my flesh as I blinked. “How long have you known?”
“A few weeks.”
Nodding my head, I asked, “And Daniel? How long has he known?”
“A few weeks.”
“And neither of you said anything to me until now?”
“I know you’re mad. I get it, but you’re the one who pushed me away.”
I tried to swallow the lump that was building in my throat. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. He needed you more than I did. Never apologize for loving someone.”
“What about apologizing for not loving someone like you should have? How does that work?”
August grabbed my wrist pulling me closer to him. “Who didn’t you love?”
“You. I wanted to. I had
to give you up. It was the deal I made and now you’re leaving. I fucked this all up.” I sniffed, brushing a few tears from my cheeks.
“Babe––don’t be upset. I should’ve fought for you. Neither of us did this right. I’m going to take a few months and then I’ll be back. I’ll come back a better person. I’ll do everything right and you won’t have to make a choice again. I love you.” His soft fingers lifted my chin, pulling my lips towards his, scorching my flesh. Weightless. It’s the only word I can think of to describe how I felt with his lips on mine while his arms were wrapped around my waist. For a split second everything was perfect.
It all ended just as quickly as it began, and the ground slammed back into my feet as he pulled his lips from mine. Fuck gravity. I never felt so heavy in my life. August left me standing next to the garage while he silently walked back to his car and pulled out onto the road.
Daniel was walking back towards me after he watched August drive away, but I wanted nothing to do with him. I was so angry and so hurt. I didn’t want to hear whatever lame excuse he was going to come up with, so I headed into the house, slamming the screen door behind me.
Of course, Lilly, not to be out done by a simple broken heart, was sitting at the kitchen table as I walked in. Her face was worn. Mascara smudged under her eyes, while she desperately blinked out more tears. Always so dramatic.
“Arlington, my baby. I’ve missed you.”
“Have you? When exactly did you miss me? When you were on your back fucking your way across the country? When you were destroying our family? Tell me exactly where I fit in.” Anger laced words flew out of my mouth like a whip across her face. I delighted in the way she recoiled from me. “Do not ever call me your ‘baby’ again. You’re not my mother. You’re nothing more than an incubator.” Turning my attention to my father, I spat, “Dad I wouldn’t touch her if I were you. She’s probably crawling with STD’s.”
Lilly leaned back in her chair, gasping, while she tried to cover her mouth. Of course, she was too drunk to figure it out. Her hand slid around her face like someone trying to find a light switch in a dark room.
“Arlo. I’m surprised by you.” My eyes sent daggers towards my dad, now standing behind the ill looking creature in the chair.
“Obviously, you don’t know me like you think you do. Do me a favor? While you’re fucking her tonight, try to keep it down. The last time that whore came around, you two were so loud, Daniel and I hid in the garage. Just remember, she never sticks around. She gets you drunk and you fall for her sob story. Then in the morning, she’s gone, but not before she hurts everyone in this house. You allowing her in the house is even worse. Both of you can get fucked.”
Just then, the screen door creaked open behind me. I knew Daniel was standing there. His eyes felt like tiny daggers piercing my skin, but I wouldn’t face him. I was pissed, and I knew I had crossed some more lines with my dad that night. I didn’t plan on Daniel taking the brunt of the aftermath, but like always, I was only thinking of myself. I left everyone in the kitchen and locked myself in my room. It was late, though not late enough to sleep, but I didn’t care. I grabbed my pillow, sank into my mattress, and cried until I fell asleep.
The clock on top of my dresser was shining its red numbers boldly as I opened my eyes to the dark room. It was just after two in the morning. I’m not sure how long the yelling had been going on by that point, but it was finally loud enough for me to hear it. Something hard slammed against the wall, knocking a few books off my bookshelf.
Softly cracking my door open, I peered diagonally down the hallway into the kitchen doorway. I couldn’t see much, but what I did see, I will never forget. Daniel’s feet were standing directly in front of my dad and they were fighting. As I rushed into the room, Lilly grabbed me by my waist, pulling me to the side.
“No, you’ll only get hurt.”
As if I wasn’t hurt already. “Get the fuck off me.” Prying her drunken fingers from around my waist, I shoved her to the ground. By the time I turned around, Daniel had his hands around my dad’s neck as he lifted him off the floor and slammed him into the wall. My frantic hands found their way to Daniel and I began pulling at his arms. He wouldn’t let go, so I did the only thing I knew would get his attention––I put myself between them and grasped Daniel’s face in my hands.
“Arlo?” Blinking, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. The dark glare in his eyes slowly diminished as he dropped our dad onto the floor.
“It’s me. I’m here.”
Slowly wrapping his arms around my shoulders, I leaned against his chest. How long had he held his anger in? How long had he held his feelings back? I’ve never witnessed a person have so much strength before. It was like he was possessed. Deep sobs began to fill my ears as he cried against me. Lilly was still yelling, but I didn’t hear a word she said. My only concern was the broken boy in my arms.
My dad pushed himself off the floor and took a step towards us, but he froze when I looked at him. Looking back now, I realize I would have chosen Daniel over anyone. It didn’t matter if he was right or wrong. It didn’t matter who got hurt in the process. He was my brother, and I would’ve protected him forever. At that moment, I had chosen Daniel and the pain in my dad’s eyes told me he knew. He saw it in the way I pushed them apart. I wasn’t saving my dad. I was saving Daniel. My dad did the only thing he knew how to do.
“Get out,” he shouted, his deep baritone voice sent shivers across my skin, while Lilly’s wailing increased to banshee level.
“Don’t make him go. Please, daddy, don’t make him go.”
Shaking his head, my dad threw his hands up in the air as if to motion he no longer cared. “Both of you. Get out.”
BOOM! His words reverberated through my body, slamming me into a reality I wasn’t prepared for. “What?”
“Arlington, you made your choice. Get your stuff and take him with you.”
I was prepared to battle him, but surprisingly I didn’t need to. Daniel straightened himself up, kissed the top of my head, and placed himself between our father and me. “You can make me leave, but not her. She’s the only good there is in this family. She’s smart and loving. She was everything to me neither of you were. If you need someone to leave, then I’ll go. I have places to stay. I’ll make do. She stays.”
Confusion. Love. I’m not sure exactly what I felt at that moment, but it was the first time in a long time that I saw my brother for who he truly was. He was amazing, kind, and I knew he loved me more than the other two people in the room. He was sacrificing himself for me. With a nod of my dad’s head, Daniel slipped out of the room and into the night. I watched from the screen door as he grabbed a few things out of the garage and headed out into the dark on foot. I didn’t know where he would go, but I knew everyone he did. It wouldn’t be hard for me to find him.
I stood with my feet planted firmly in place for longer than I should have. Lilly and my dad were watching me, waiting for me to break. Taking a deep breath, I turned around, flipped them both off, and headed back to my room where I could lock away the world. Flipping them off seems childish now, but at the time I couldn’t find the words I needed to express my anger that night. The only solace I had when I laid my head back down was knowing that my brother loved me.
I was hoping Daniel would have gone to Blake’s or maybe August’s, if he could catch him before he left that night. Neither had happened. My worst fear came true. He had found safety with Brenden. The only connection we had for the next month after that awful night was over the phone. If I didn’t answer when he called, he would hang up. He wasn’t going to deal with our dad and I didn’t blame him. My hope was that after a while dad would cool down and we would be able to handle everything like adults.
Lilly had decided to hang around, which only made the entire situation worse. I couldn’t stand being in the house. Not with her there. Dad was waiting on her hand and foot, the shop was way behind on repairs, and no one seemed to notice me. I had all but disapp
eared. The only time any attention was paid to me was last night at dinner when Lilly suggested I start looking for a job. She wanted me to start pulling my weight, since I wasn’t going to school. What she didn’t intend to do was give me a reason to sign up for the fall semester at Loyola University.
Even though August was in California it didn’t stop me from loving him. The first time he called me was to check up on me. The second time was because he thought he had forgotten to tell me something, but when I asked what it was, he had forgotten. The third time was when he called me to tell me he missed the sound of my voice. If I didn’t have an obsession before that, I did now. Talking to him was the only thing I looked forward to.
August was my therapy. I talked to him about everything. My dad, Lilly, and Daniel were all topics I frequented. When I told him about signing up for school, he was more than supportive. He helped me apply for financial aid, as well as gave me advice on how to talk to my dad about it. I knew money would be an issue, and since I was no longer pre-occupied with cheerleading or school, I got a part-time secretarial job at a lawyer’s office in town. It wasn’t hard work. A few days a week I filed papers and answered the phones. It didn’t pay much, but what it did pay, I put in the bank.
Screening phone calls to make sure my dad didn’t talk to Daniel was getting hard and with August calling me more it didn’t help. While my friends had cell phones, I had never had one. My dad had refused to pay for something he felt was just a ‘fad’ so I went without until I got my first paycheck.
Flipping the small phone in my hands several times, I felt like an adult. I had a job, I was registered for college, and now I was paying a bill all on my own. The world was mine. I owned it, and no one could tell me differently. My fingers brushed against the black keys before dialing Brenden’s number. There wasn’t a guarantee that Daniel would be there, but it was worth a try. It rang four times before someone finally picked up.