by Amber Lacie
“I think he forgot I didn’t have practice today.”
“Are you telling me he left you there?” His jaw began to clench, and I immediately began to spin a story to cover for my brother.
“It’s my fault. This morning I told him I was staying for the fundraiser committee. Then when we got to school I changed my mind. I asked him to meet me at my locker, but it was spur of the moment. I was going to wait for him, but I didn’t want to sit outside by the bleachers for that long.”
“Hmmm. And he’s here because?”
Looking over towards August, I took a step farther away to separate us. “He hung after for a bit and I ran into him. I told him I was planning on walking, but he insisted on bringing me home. It was the friendly thing to do.” Did I sound as nervous as I felt?
August awkwardly shifted on his feet behind me under the stare my dad was giving him. My dad might have been intimidating to August, but he didn’t scare me. He’s so full of shit. Why pretend to be a real parent? The only thing I was frightened of is what my dad would do to Daniel once he got home. After a few minutes, I cleared my throat and sat down on one of the stools in the garage. “Right. So, we’re just going to wait for Daniel out here then. I’m sure he will be home any minute. I think they had plans to play together tonight.”
Glaring at August I tried to signal to him to confirm what I had said, but he just stood there, staring back at my dad. “August, you guys are going to play tonight, right? That’s what you said in the car?”
Breaking the trance with my dad, August jerked his head towards me. “Yeah. I mean––I was coming here anyways, that’s why I offered to take you home. I’ll just wait out here for Daniel.”
My dad stood in the garage for a few minutes longer, eyeing us suspiciously, before finally going in the house. As soon as the door shut, I let out the breath of air I was holding onto. “Holy shit.”
“Are you hot? I feel like I’m on fire.” Walking into the garage, August grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and took a huge gulp. “You want one?”
“No. I thought he was just going to stand there all night. Jesus. Was I even the least bit convincing?”
“I don’t know. How often do you lie to your dad?”
Tucking my hair behind my ear, I pulled another stool closer to me and motioned for August to sit. “Normally, I don’t. I mean, he doesn’t know about you, but then again, Daniel doesn’t either. I’m worried about him. My dad can be a really big dick, especially to him. I just don’t want my brother to get hurt.”
“Your dad isn’t going to kill me if he finds out about us though, right?”
“No. He’s full of shit. I don’t know why he feels the need to puff his chest out. He’s not really a dad figure. He’s more of a roommate that makes the cash to pay bills. I’ve taken care of Daniel and I for years. My dad just pays for the roof.”
After finishing his water, August picked up my brother’s guitar he had tucked against the wall and began plucking the strings. It always amazed me how easy music came to him. I can’t count how many times I sat in that garage, listening to the boys make noise, while August made music. It never failed to amaze me.
We sat in the garage that night, well past nine o’clock, before August finally went home. It was nice just being the only people there while he strummed on the guitar and I watched. Every once in while, he would crack a joke and I would laugh. Not because they were funny, but because of how stupid the jokes were. They were awful, but I didn’t mind. The way his lips curled up when he smiled at me was worth it.
Before he left, he snuck me a small kiss, and I watched him drive away, while still hanging onto the feeling it left me. August was my happy place when the rest of my life was falling apart.
I’m not sure what time Daniel got home, but the yelling in the kitchen woke me up just after midnight. I waited for the sound of my dad’s footsteps to pass my door, so I could sneak into my brother’s room, but they never came. Instead, I heard tires squealing against the pavement. He had taken out his bike for a ride. God only knew what time he would be back. Just as I pushed the covers off my feet, my bedroom light turned on. Shielding my eyes, I yelled at Daniel. “What the hell? Warn someone first, asshole.”
“Sorry. I’m turning on the lights.”
“Yeah. I got that part already. Turn them back off.” My room went pitch black as I felt his body fall onto the mattress beside me. “Where were you?”
“With Brenden.”
“Are you drunk or high? Why do you reek like cigarette smoke?” Scooting over, I made some more room for him. “And why did you get home so late? What did dad say? He sounded pissed.”
“I smell like smoke because his mom smokes. I’m not drunk. I had maybe one beer and then Brenden and I hung out with his mom. She was having some friends over and she wanted Brenden to introduce me to them.”
“None of that makes sense. What parent introduces their kids’ friend to other people? It’s not show and tell hour. You’re not his toy.”
“I don’t know. That’s just what happened. God, for once I want no one to question me. Did I fuck up by not bringing you home? Of course, I did. Fuck, Arlo. I came in here to apologize, not get grilled. You’re not my parent.”
He didn’t mean for his words to sting, but they did. I wasn’t his parent, but I was the one who had taken care of him since mom left. Dad just foot the bill, and even then, sometimes he was short. I loved Daniel with everything in me. He was my best friend, but I realized at that moment how little I knew about him.
“I’m worried about you. I love you.”
“I’m fine. Can we go back to it just being Arlo and Daniel now, instead of Daniel and the police?”
Nodding, I sat in the dark with him. I knew he couldn’t see me, but I didn’t know what to say to him. The thought of him leaving kept me cautious of scaring him away, so we just sat on my bed in complete silence.
The next morning, I could barely pull myself out of bed. I don’t know what time Daniel went into his own room, but when I woke up, he was gone.
My thoughts were clouded, my focus being spent on him. I was so lost in thought, I even had time to come back in the house twice to grab all the things I was forgetting. The rest of the school day didn’t fare much better. I was in the middle of practice when my head coach started berating me in front of the other girls. My head wasn’t in the right place, and she was calling me on it.
“Byres. Are you here or not? You’re one of my strongest girls––I need you at the base, but if your head isn’t in this, it’s all pointless. I’m not risking someone else’s safety. Arlington? Do you hear me?”
“Yes, Coach. I’m sorry. It’s just my brother—”
“Not acceptable. There is no excuse. You leave your shit at the door. You hear me? Now wash up. You’re done for today. As for the rest of you ladies, we are going to run steps. Let’s go.” Coach blew her whistle and that was that.
After getting showered and changed, I made my way to the parking lot and sat on a cement divider, my feet dangling above the ground, as I waited for Daniel. He wasn’t supposed to be there for another twenty minutes, but I called him for an early pick-up after coach dismissed me. There was no sense in staying where I wasn’t wanted. Suddenly, a loud rumble caught my attention as August pulled up in his boat.
He rolled down his window and stuck out his head. “Someone call for ride?”
“I did, but I didn’t call you.” I hopped down, grabbed my backpack from beside me and slid into the passenger seat.
“Daniel sent me.” The way the corner of his mouth perked up had me questioning whether my brother actually sent him, or if this was something he had done on his own.
“Thanks for the lift.”
“No problem. It worked out for me anyway.”
When I didn’t respond, he let out a deep sigh. Don’t worry, August. I’m disappointed in me too. Trying to change the atmosphere between us, I asked about my brother. “Is Daniel okay?”
>
“Yeah, he’s fine.”
I turned slightly, so I could face him. “No, I mean is he okay? I’m so worried I’m losing him, but I’m not doing anything about it. My dreams are haunting. I keep losing him and then I wake swearing to myself that I’ll help him, but then the day passes by and I’ve done nothing. I can feel him slipping through my fingers like sand.” Tears began to slowly drip down my face as I sat in the car confessing to August every thought I had about my brother. I don’t know why I felt possessed in that moment to confess everything to him, but I know I felt better for doing it.
“Arls, I…I’m not sure what to say. You know Daniel better than anyone. He loves you. Have you tried talking to him about this?” August asked, shifting awkwardly in his seat. It was obvious he wasn’t comfortable with where I was taking the conversation.
“No. I don’t want him to hate me. He hates everyone else.”
“Even me?” August’s hushed voice echoed in the closed space of the car.
“No. He adores you. Brenden is bad for him. I should have stepped in between them, but I was too focused on myself. Then you came along. I know it’s a lot to take in. I’m sorry.” Using the sleeve of my shirt, I wiped my face. August didn’t need to see me like this, no one did.
“My mom says you should never apologize for loving someone.”
“What?”
“You worry about your brother because you love him. Don’t apologize for it. Own it. Tell him what you’re thinking. You said you wanted to help him, right? Well, you can’t do that if he doesn’t know you’re doing it”
I chewed over his words for a few minutes, before deciding he was right. “August, that’s actually really good advice.”
“My mom gives good advice. She gave me some for you.”
“Like what?”
“That I should give you space. I’ve been trying, and it’s hard as hell not to touch you, but seeing you like this––knowing you are hurting.” Another sigh fell from his lips as he reached for me. “Come here.”
Guilt crept into the back of my mind as I scooted closer to August. Fuck the consequences. Fuck the guilt. How could something that made me feel so alive, be bad? My hand slipped into his as his other hand wrapped around my waist. His hazel eyes looked down at me, and our lips crashed together. My nerves jolted from his mere touch. The way his tongue danced across mine had me pulling at his shirt, as my fingers slid underneath it. His hot skin felt amazing under mine. I was lost to him. The only thing that pulled me back was the sound of laughter outside the window.
Andrea and Corie were walking to their cars when they spotted us. I guess we put on quite the show. I’m not sure how long we were locked together, but it was long enough for them to give a slow clap when we pulled our lips apart. August leaned his forehead against mine as he pressed one last, soft kiss against my lips.
My hand reached for the door handle when August stopped me. “Fuck them.”
“They will tell everyone.”
“I’m not going to apologize for loving you.”
Fuck me. My eyes flashed back towards the most amazing person I’ve ever met in my life. His words were still ringing in my ears when I asked, “But what if Daniel finds out?”
“What if he does? I don’t see why we have to keep hiding everything?”
“He’s in a bad place. What if he thinks we went behind his back?”
“He’s not your dad, Arlo.”
“No, but my dad doesn’t know either. What if Daniel tells him?” The words fell from my lips and August sighed as he let go of my hand.
I pulled on the handle of the door, and ran after Andrea and Corie, who were already walking back toward the locker rooms. I had no doubt in my mind they were about to tell everyone.
“Stop, Andrea! Please.”
“Why? Give me one good reason. No wonder you’ve been a bust at practice lately. Your mind has been too busy focused on dick.”
“Andrea is right. It’s filthy, Arls. Why are you even dipping that low?” Corie propped her hand on her hip while popping her hip out to the side. She was not as badass as she was trying to portray.
“Fuck you! You’re just upset because Adam tossed you aside for someone else.” Any chance I had of stopping her, was now gone. I had just thrown her relationship of the past few months in her face.
Corie tilted her head back as she slid her sunglasses over her eyes. “Andrea, I don’t even know why you were friends with her to begin with. If she wants that filth with all his fleas, let her have him. Better yet, we will call her freak of a brother and tell him all about it. Brenden told me about his habit this morning.”
“What?” The fact that Brenden and Corie were even talking should have registered better in my brain, but it didn’t. I was too concerned with the fact that Brenden was talking about my brother.
“Tell ya what. Why don’t you go home and ask Daniel about the hundred he still owes Brenden from last week? Once you figure that out, come back to me, and I’ll tell you everything I know. Go on. Run back to that filth you were with. Have him take you to your drug addict brother.”
Anger. Frustration. Confusion. Hate. It all circled around me as I watched someone who I thought was my friend walk away with the biggest bitch in school. Once I could no longer hear their laughter, I turned around and walked back to where August was still waiting for me.
The door creaked open and I fell into the passenger seat. “Daniel owes Brenden money.”
“How much?”
“That’s your concern? How much money? It’s not the fact that he’s been buying shit off Brenden. Did you know?” How did this happen? How have I lost my brother to this?
“Not exactly. I saw them a couple of days ago talking in the hallway. Daniel passed something to Brenden, but I didn’t see Daniel take anything. I didn’t think much about it until you told me you felt like you were losing him. Daniel has always acted the same way towards me, but he’s different with you. If you’re noticing a difference, then there has to be a problem.”
I dropped my head into my hands letting out a sigh of frustration. Knots formed in my stomach as August drove me home. Words tossed in my head and I tried to formulate what I would say to him when I saw him, but nothing seemed to fit. Nothing seemed right.
When I got home, Daniel was in the garage, handing my dad tools as he worked on one of the bikes. My dad immediately looked up as I stepped around one of the oil pans lying on the ground.
“Afternoon, Princess. You look down. What happened?”
“I quit the team today.” That’s not what actually happened, but on the drive back I had already decided I would meet with the coach in the morning and let her know. I was done with the team.
The sound of metal clinking, echoed around me as my dad dropped his tools on the cement floor. “What? After all your hard work you’re just going to throw the towel in? That’s not how we do things in this house.”
“How would you know? You build bikes, not people. When was the last time you actually paid attention to what was going on in this house?”
I stood there clenching my fists expecting to defend my decisions further when my dad just turned around and walked into the house.
Turning my attention back to Daniel, who was sitting on one of the speakers his band had set up in the garage, his arms crossed defiantly against his chest, he said, “Wow. You deserve an Oscar for that performance. I’ve never seen him walk away so defeated. What really happened?”
“Why do you owe Brenden money?”
“So, that’s where we are starting from? Are we all just ignoring the fact that it took way too long for August to bring you back.”
I tried to calm myself down and took a deep breath. “Daniel, stop.”
“Why? How come we can talk about me, but we can’t talk about you?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not the one who owes a low-life drug dealer money. What did you buy? What are you on?”
An eerie laugh fell from hi
s lips as Daniel stood up and began pacing in front of me. “Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.”
“God damn it. Just stop this. Please, I love you. Do you hear me? I love you and seeing you like this is killing me.”
“Then look away.” Daniel spun around and kicked the speaker so hard he put his foot through it. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, he looked back over his shoulder.
“August, you touch her again and I’ll fucking kill you. You’re not good enough for her. I know you’ve kissed her more than once––I’ve known it for a while. Both of you are pathetic…going behind my back.” His eyes darkened as he looked towards me. “He’s going to hurt you. You think he’s going to stick around here with you? Nah, he’s going to leave you and never come back. You’re nothing but a cheap piece of ass to him.”
My eyes closed as I felt August stand behind me, pressing his chest against my back. “I’m not good enough, but it’s okay for you to treat her like shit? Is that the deal?”
Daniel’s eyes grew wide from August’s acquisition. “I’m not hurting her. I would never hurt her.”
“No? I’m pretty sure you just called her a cheap piece of ass. You’re hurting yourself and it’s killing her. Just ask her. You’re even haunting her fucking dreams.” August pressed his lips to the top of my head and my eyes flew open as Daniel stared at us. “Babe, I’m going to go. You two need to talk this out and I’m not helping the situation. I’ll call you later.” The loss of his touch as he stepped away from me did not go unnoticed.
Two things should have registered in my mind. One being that August called me ‘babe’ and the other being he was planning on calling me later. I should have been dancing in my skin with excitement, instead I was worried about the pain Daniel and I were causing for one another. The look of utter betrayal across his face killed me. I had lied to him. I had been lying to him at the same time he was lying to me. How did it come to all of this?
Daniel stood perfectly still as August drove away. Only the sound of the gravel crunching under the tires surrounded us. What do you say to someone you love when you know they are breaking? How do you cast them a net without giving them a piece of you? The answer is––you can’t. My heart knew the choice I was making before my mind even made it. If I was going to be forced to choose between Daniel and August, it would be Daniel. It would always be Daniel.