by Amber Lacie
“The bathroom beat me up.”
“Do I need to have a talk with it? Maybe the bathroom and I should take this outside. It could get serious.” The corner of his mouth curled up as he smirked at me.
“Smartass. I banged my head on the towel rack and then on the sink.”
“Babe, you’re a klutz.” Perhaps it was the look of annoyance on my face, or perhaps it was my over dramatic eye roll, whatever my reaction was, it caused him to change his attitude. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” A soft hiss left my lips as I pressed against the growing bump on my head.
“You need ice.” August started digging through the freezer. I knew there was no ice because I hadn’t filled the trays in days, but I let him look anyways. I was feeling spiteful. A look of surprise crossed my face as he handed me a frozen bag of corn. “No ice, but this will work.”
“This is not how I pictured my afternoon turning out. I’m thawing vegetables on my forehead.”
“You look cute doing it.” August held his hand out for me and led me to my room. With most guys, you would know what they wanted when they brought you into a bedroom, but with him, I never knew. Sometimes we would just talk, and other times he would make me speechless. He said he liked the element of surprise.
Still holding the frozen bag against my head, I plopped down on my bed. “Now what? I thought we were going out?”
“We will, but I want to make sure you’re okay first. I also want to talk to you.”
Sometimes I would walk in my dreams. If I was going up stairs or walking down a path and I stumbled, it felt like the world was falling out beneath my feet and my body would jerk me awake. That’s exactly how I felt, except I wasn’t dreaming. I knew eventually August would go back to California, but I had put it out of my head.
“You’re going back, aren’t you?”
Sighing, he ran his fingers through his hair as he grabbed my desk chair and placed it in front of me. His long legs straddled the chair as he leaned forward bracing his arms along the back of it. “I don’t want to leave you. Come with me.”
“I can’t. We’ve talked about this––I want to at least get one year of school under my belt. What if California isn’t good for me?” My mind was running a mile a minute. I was trying to picture all the scenarios in my head where me going with him would have worked out, but I was failing miserably. August, as if he knew what I was really thinking, was quick to stop me.
“School, or Daniel? Which is it? We both know you don’t care about the shop. You can get a job anywhere, and there are colleges in California. It’s not like they just exist in Chicago, Arlo––so tell me the truth. You’re afraid to leave Daniel.”
Blood pumped through my veins as rage began to take over my thoughts. “Daniel needs me. I can’t just leave him. Who would take care of him?” My phone had begun to chirp across the room, but I ignored it. I wasn’t done with the conversation. “What do you want from me? I can’t leave him. I love him.”
August jerked back at my response, as if I had just slapped him across his face. “You love him––what about me, Arlo? Do you love me?”
“Of course, I do! But Daniel is different. He’s my brother, my twin…you wouldn’t understand.”
“You’re right, I don’t. I’m trying to help you. I want to give you the world and instead you’re choosing to stay here with some junky. I can’t fucking wrap my head around it.” August’s voice boomed around me as I stared at him with tears sliding down my cheeks. Some junky.
“That junky happens to be my brother. He loved me well before you were in the picture, August. Please don’t make me choose.”
Sighing, he leaned forward as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Arls, look at me.” My eyes were burning with anger as I stared back at the boy who had stolen my heart. “I love you. I don’t want to leave you. Babe, I want to do this for us. Me leaving…that’s me changing things. I’m going to make everything better for you.”
“How?”
“I’ll cut a record deal. What money I earn, I can use to get Daniel the treatment he needs and then I can bring you to me.”
“I thought he was ‘some junky’.”
“Don’t do that. He’s my friend. I shouldn’t have called him that. He’s your brother. If he’s important to you, then he’s important to me. Now, don’t be angry with me, I want our time together to be happy.”
Nodding my head, I looked out the window. Part of me didn’t believe August would come back for me. The other part of me was holding him to his word. I didn’t have the money to help Daniel, but maybe if August did get a contract he could help me. Hell, maybe the people in California would have better treatment plans. All I could picture was all the musicians and actors with addictions. They had to get help somewhere. Maybe the West Coast was the answer.
“Arlo––” August started to say something else when my phone chirped again. Whoever was calling me was growing impatient. Stretching his long arms out, he leaned over and grabbed my phone off my dresser. His eyes flashed down towards the screen before he tossed it over to me. “It’s Daniel. Just answer it.” He did his best to try and hide it from me, but I could hear the annoyance in his voice.
“Hey.”
“I called you. A lot. I called you, a lot.” Daniel’s voice was low and shaky. Something is wrong.
“I’m here. I was in the shower.”
“Is he there? He’s there, isn’t he? You always choose him over me.” His words slurred a bit, almost like he couldn’t control his lips. Long breaths echoed in my ear. I motioned for August to follow me as I walked into the kitchen, grabbing my purse off the counter.
“You know we’re dating. He’s going to be with me. What did you take?”
“Automatically assuming I’m on something. I’m not a fucking attic.” He had meant to say addict, but his words weren’t coming out right.
Covering my phone with my hand, I tossed my keys to August. “You drive. He’s on something.”
Nodding his head, August held open the door for me. “Is he at the apartment? That’s at least thirty minutes from here.”
“I don’t know, yet.” Whatever argument August and I were having was over. The color in his face slowly dissipated as we walked to the truck. He was worried, and I could see it. “Daniel, where are you?”
“Right where you fucking left me. Where you always leave me.” Nodding my head to August I mouthed the word ‘apartment.’ My silent words didn’t need a response. He started the truck and sped out onto the road.
“I didn’t leave you. Where’s Ben? Can I talk to him?” I tried desperately to distract him, so he would calm down.
“He’s not fucking here. Fuck his rules. Fuck him. Fuck you. I got what I wanted.”
“What did you get? What did you do?”
Eerie silence followed my questions, with only a few slow breaths rasping across the line.
“Remember when we were little––what I always said to you?” His voice was soft. My heart sank.
“You and me, we’re the same. You cry, I cry. You bleed, I bleed.” Tears had begun to fall. I looked over at August. His foot pressed harder against the gas peddle as we sped down the streets, running through stop signs.
“I don’t want you to cry. We’re the same, but you’re better. You’ve always been better.”
“You made me better. Daniel––I’m scared. What’s wrong? You need to tell me, so I can help you.” My heart was frantic. I was terrified. What if he had taken too much of something? What if he was hurt? I motioned with my hands for August to go faster. We were already breaking traffic laws, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was helpless.
“Brenden came by last night. I have had them for a while, but I wasn’t going to use them. I needed you first. You didn’t answer. Everything hurts. I know you feel it.”
“Daniel, please––I’m begging you. What did he give you?” I focused on the streets we were passing. Twenty more minutes and we would
be at his apartment.
“I’m not drunk.”
“Are you sure? Because right now you sound like you’re on the edge of something. I don’t want you to fall. I love you.”
Silence, followed by deep breaths echoed in my ear. Dear God, please let me get to him. “I’m crying. I don’t want you to cry.” His words were laced with fear.
“It’s too late. I’m already crying. I love you. Please, I’ll be there in a second. I’m trying, but there’s so much traffic.”
“You’re so beautiful. I always wanted to be like you. Maybe grow old and have a family. I could have had a little boy and named him Jack.”
“You still can.” Everything stopped. My heart, my breath, the world…it all froze. Nothing moved. All I could hear were his words echoing in my mind. What the hell did Brenden give him? “Daniel, please just stop. If you love me, you’ll stop.” I was desperate. I could hear what I thought was breathing, but it was faint. Then––it just stopped.
We pulled up in front of the apartment and I threw open my door. My feet hit the pavement before August could even park the truck. I wasn’t waiting. Each step felt like I was trying to run through miles of quicksand. I couldn’t reach the door fast enough. “Fuck! Daniel, please. I’m here. The door is locked. Please.” Frantically I banged my palms against the glass door, but the deadbolt held firm as I pushed against the door.
Turning my head, I searched for August. He was running towards me from the corner. “It’s fucking locked. Jesus, he had to have taken something. August, please, help me.”
August ran back to the truck. I didn’t know what he was doing, but I wasn’t moving. I needed to get to my brother. “Daniel, please. I’m downstairs. Open the door.” I screamed into the silence echoing back at me on my phone.
My hands were red from slamming against the door. My body moved to the side as August pushed me out of the way. Using a crowbar from the back of my truck, he swung it twice at the door until it shattered. Reaching in, he scraped his wrists against the glass as he turned the lock.
I didn’t wait for him to open the door. Squatting down, I carefully stepped through the door, ducking underneath the push bar handle. “Daniel, I’m inside. I’m coming up the stairs. Please.” Breathe. Just take one fucking breath.
A scream of frustration ripped through my chest as I tripped up the stairs to his apartment. The door was locked, but it didn’t stop me. I slammed my shoulder into it repeatedly as I screamed Daniel’s name over the phone. He didn’t answer. I could hear August running up the stairs behind me. He was already on the phone with the police. I didn’t notice when he called them, but I could hear the sirens. They were close.
I took a step back as August kicked at the handle of the door. He busted the frame enough to see the lock. Using a pocketknife, he popped open the door. I stood in complete horror looking down at my brother. Some sort of string and a needle were on the mattress next to him. He was lying peacefully with his eyes cast towards the only window in his apartment. Two pigeons sitting on the edge of the building took off as I stepped closer. The birds were free––and so was my brother. I hoped whatever he found after life was peaceful. God knows his soul never rested while he was here.
The room suddenly filled with people, and I collapsed on the floor as I watched them try to revive my brother, but he wouldn’t take another breath. His heart would never beat again. Police were asking me a million questions. I did my best to answer them, but in the confusion, I just felt lost. In a room full of people, I was alone. Tape was strung out across the room, and people with clipboards walked around making notes of some sort. Nothing anyone said or did could erase what had happened. Nothing would make this better. Nothing. I had everything before this morning, and now––I had nothing. Eventually, someone wrapped a heavy blanket around my shoulders and August walked me down the stairs.
Ben was standing outside answering some questions. Our eyes met, and I began to sob. I could feel August let go of me and I found myself clinging to Ben. I don’t know what pulled me to him. Perhaps it was because he gave Daniel a chance when no one else would. All I knew at that moment, was he felt the same pain I did.
Ben’s arms brushed against mine as I felt myself being pulled away from him. In a daze, I walked back with August to the truck. Slipping inside, he drove me home. The only thing that kept me from running back up there was August, and the thought of him having to tell my dad.
August slowly turned into my driveway. Neither one of us had spoken to one another during the drive. The only sound was my heart shattering around us. My dad was sitting on the porch waiting for us, but I didn’t have to say anything. The tears and pain etched into his face told me he already knew. I stepped out of the truck and slowly made my way into his arms. My dad hadn’t picked me up in his arms since I was little girl, but when he lifted me into the air, I wrapped my arms around his strong neck and refused to let go. He smelled like motor oil and grease, but it made me feel safe again as he carried me into the house.
I sat with my dad at one end of the couch and August on the other. Neither spoke. They just took turns handing me tissues. I had way too many pillows and blankets, but they kept bringing me more. I think it was their way of taking care of me. Eventually I fell asleep with my head in August’s lap and my feet on my dad’s.
The mirror was showing me someone I didn’t recognize. She looked just like me, but she didn’t feel like me. I didn’t feel like me. Spinning the mascara in my hands, I decided against it. There was no sense in faking my beauty. It wouldn’t repair the damage in my chest, so what was the point. I dropped it back into my purse and splashed some water on my face.
The sound of someone’s shoes clicked against the stark white floor in the bathroom. The thing about funerals is that no one ever gets to be alone. People are constantly checking on the family to make sure they’re okay. Of course, I wasn’t okay. My brother was gone. All I wanted was for them to stop asking if I was okay. Each comment of sympathy was like pouring salt in an open wound. It was a reminder of what would never be.
“Hey.” A soft whisper spoke behind me. Looking up, I met Andrea’s gaze in the mirror.
“What do you want?”
“I was sent in here to check on you by August. I don’t think you need me, though. I think you just need to breathe.”
Tears brimmed my eyes once again. “I can’t breathe. Half of me is gone. My reflection is gone.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Everyone’s sorry. Want to know how much it helps? It doesn’t. He’s still fucking dead and I’m still here. It’s fucking bullshit.” My voice grew louder. The echo startled me, and I dropped my head to my chest in a hushed whisper. “I’m so angry.”
“I know you don’t want to talk, but if you do, just call me. I can’t fix it, but I can listen.”
Nodding my head, I took another deep breath. This isn’t her fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault, but my own. I knew he was having a hard time after Corie’s death. I should have helped him more, but instead I spent time juggling my life, while his was slipping away. “I’m sorry, Andrea. I don’t mean to be shitty.”
“Don’t lie. You’re always shitty. It’s what you do. Own that shit. You ready? August is going to flip shit if he doesn’t see you soon. He really loves you, Arls.”
“He shouldn’t.” I don’t know why I said it. Maybe I was angry, or maybe I thought I didn’t deserve it. Andrea ignored my comment and linked her arm with mine, leading me out of the bathroom.
Seeing all the people circling about wiping their eyes made me sick. They didn’t know him. They didn’t love him like I did. They didn’t have the right to cry. The falsity of it all was making me nauseous. I spotted August standing near two planters full of flowers talking to his mom.
As I walked over, his mom gave me a sympathetic smile and walked away. August grabbed my hand and led me outside, where the sun was shining brightly in the sky. Fucking traitor. The sun shouldn’t have been out. The sky should�
��ve been filled with clouds and rain. Even the sun was a reminder of how the world was unaffected. Didn’t it realize what a beautiful soul we lost?
“Arlo, I wish I could make this easier for you.”
Sniffing, I wiped the back of my nose with my hand. “Well, you can’t.” Anger laced my voice. It wasn’t necessarily directed at August, it was just how I felt at that moment.
“Don’t you think I know that? I hate seeing you like this.” Running his hands through his hair, he stared back at me. I knew he was hurting too, but I refused to recognize it. I wasn’t ready for anyone to hurt, except me. “Come with me,” he whispered.
“What?” Shock dripped from my words. Was he bringing this up again?
“Come with me. I can take you away. You won’t have to be alone and I can help you.”
“My brother just fucking died and you’re out here asking me to go with you to California? Are you fucking kidding me? How convenient his death must have been for you? I mean, now you get what you wanted all along. There are no more junkies to worry about, so now we can just run off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Is that it?” Hate laced words flew from my mouth, attacking him without a moment’s hesitation. I was angry. I was hurt. I was pissed.
“Stop it! That’s not it, at all. I was just thinking that if you were with me I could make sure you were okay. You’re not being fair.”
“Fair? You want fucking fair? Fair is not being made to bury your brother. Fair is not having to feel this kind of pain. Fair is not having the man you love trying to steal you away from everything. Fair is not doing this, right now.”
“Ahh.” A deep scream bellowed from August’s chest. I knew he was frustrated, but that’s exactly how I felt. “Just stop. For once, just let me love you. Why is it a competition between me and him? Huh? Why is it always Daniel before me?”
My heart recoiled from his words. Did he just compare himself to my deceased brother? “It’s not a competition anymore, is it?”
“Arls, I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant.”